the smell of my desperation has become a stench

And now something completely trivial

Hey. How are you? I’m changing the subject today to something totally banal and inconsequential because my emotions are completely fried like they do it up in Kentucky.

The babysitter we use to watch the girls a few hours after camp in the afternoon is young and vibrant and unsullied by the tidal waves that come with having kids and mortgages and staggering legal fees that build up when sued by a publishing house (oh, summer of 2006, how I do not miss thee). Her hair is always washed and curled, and she has the cutest red lipstick on every single day. I asked her recently about her beauty habits because mine have devolved into yoga pants, t-shirts, a ponytail and minimal mascara. Here is what you’ll find in the makeup bag of a hip 26-yr-old who, when I told her about my excitement about seeing Beck perform live asked, “You mean that guy from the Nineties?”

1. Aesop Mandarin Facial Hydrating Cream $49

2. Ulta Mineral Bronzer $5

3. Dr. Jart Detox BB Cream $36

4. Maybelline Concealer $5.99

5. Stila Liquid Eyeliner $20

6. Beauty Blender Duo $24.95

7. Ardell False Lashes $10.68

8. Nars Multi-Purpose Stick $39

9. Nars Eyeshadow Brush $32

10. Mac Blush Brush $35

11. NYX Eyebrow Shaper $8.69

12. Nars Eyeshadow $25

13. Lush Feeling Younger Skin Tint $18.95

14. Mac Pro Lipstick $16

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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