This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Fun for the whole family!

Last week I began my official training schedule for a half marathon I am running at the beginning of March.

(Pausing to give you ample time to shake your middle finger at me)

I’ve been running a few miles here, a few miles there, but I finally figured out and wrote down a training regimen that will work me up to that distance at a healthy pace. I promised myself that this wouldn’t be “Marathon 2011, The Sequel” where I break every single bone in both legs and go ahead and run the race anyway.

I wrote a little bit about foam rolling back in 2012 when I was still recovering from my injuries, and I’d still be using that specific roller if it hadn’t gone missing in the move. This time I bought the larger 26-inch version in pink because I very much like to come home from a run and wonder, “Where in the hell is my foam roller?”

Do yourself a favor if you have a small child whose favorite color is pink: do not ever order ANYTHING for yourself that is pink.

Marlo uses this roller to build tents and forts, pretends that it is a horse and will ride it around the kitchen. I have found it hidden under stacks of stuffed animals in her room and once even in her bed because she told me she wanted to sleep with it.

The other thing you see there that looks very much like a sex toy is a RAD Roller, and I do not know how I trained for that marathon without this. The pink roller is great for the larger areas of my body (outer and inner thighs, for example), but this little tool works out the knots in my neck, shoulders and lower back like nothing else I’ve ever tried. I’m still working on my form when it comes to running and experience a lot of pain in those areas because of it.

Before I had a RAD Roller I woke up one morning and searched the house like a mad woman for a tennis ball. Leta was like, “What is going on?” And I just mumbled TENNIS BALL TENNIS BALL under my breath like a zombie. When I couldn’t find one I had her stand with all of her body weight on the heel of one foot on the back of my upper right shoulder and momentarily felt relief. I told her, “Children are so useful!”

Unfortunately, Coco likes this smaller roller as much as Marlo likes the pink one. She thinks it’s a dog toy that I bought specifically for her, and I have found her CHEWING ON IT OH MY GOD I MAY HAVE LOST MY MIND. If I leave it sitting out anywhere she will snatch it up, carry it back to her dog bed and start gnawing on it.

I really should just buy that dog a butt plug and let her have at it.

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