An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Father’s Day 2016

My own father would prefer that I listen to at least one of the 18 voicemails he’s left on my landline in the last two weeks rather than buy him anything to commemorate Father’s Day this year. Why can’t I offer him that one little courtesy? Because I don’t listen to voicemail on my cell phone and barely have time to keep up with the five email addresses I have to monitor let alone messages left on Facebook, twitter, Instagram and EVERY SINGLE OTHER APP ON EARTH. I want to buy him text messaging lessons instead.

Also, since Marlo’s birthday was yesterday I feel like I should welcome any new father into the fold of this here mishmashed tribe of parenthood. I remember my first Mother’s Day and feeling disoriented, like, wait a minute. I am this now? And at times it can feel like the world would like to reduce you to just this when in fact the this has only magnified everything else you ever were and are.

1. Chino Pants from Bluffworks $125 (Bluffworks is offering free two-day shipping when you enter DOOCEDAD at checkout, order by 5PM tonight for delivery by Friday)

2. Rigards Copper Optical Glasses $168

3. Stone Island Sweatshirt $175

4. Striped Cuff Socks $23

5. Rachio Smart Sprinkler Controller $199

6. Brass Flashlight $16.99

7. Campsuds $9.43

8. Backpacking Stove $104.98

9. Gardening Cultivator $23.99

10. Survival Heirloom Seed Vault $18.96

11. Japanese Gardening Knife $61

12. World’s Okayest Dad Mug $9.99

13. DJI Phantom 3 Standard Camera Drone $499.95

14. Ben Sherman Faux Leather Sneakers $44.99

15. Everett The Dinosaur $39.95

16. From Dude to Dad by Chris Pegula $10.05

17. Dada by Jimmy Fallon $6.25

18. Paper by Mark Kurlansky $16.25

19. Father’s Day Cards by Studio Boketto $3.77

20. Drink Rocks $16.99

21. Leaders Eat Last by Simon Sinek $16.64

22. You Suck at Drinking by Matthew Latkiewicz $13.56

23. The Pollan Family Table by Corky Pollan $12.13

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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