Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

Recent Posts

The view from inside the bubble

Last week I had to drive to Leta’s middle school with physical proof that I had paid all her fees online so that I could pick up her class schedule. This kind of shit annoys me to no end about the idiotic and asinine red…

August 15, 2017

Attention all runners and those who want to be

Hahahaha! Oh man! Remember that one time I ran the NYC Marathon in 2011 and broke every bone in my body, including my ankle at mile 22? I didn’t reveal that in the account that I wrote because I don’t know? It’s a weird thing…

August 10, 2017

The Parisian perspective on everyday life

Within 24 hours of being home from Paris I was dealing with 70 packages of unopened mail, a dog who had rolled in her own feces, and a basement flooding with water from the washing machine. The plumber was in my house until after 1AM…

August 8, 2017

No sheep will ever go missing on this street

My neighbor adopted an Australian Shepherd puppy just a few days before I left for Paris despite the fact that she has frequently witnessed Coco’s attempts to take home the prize for America’s Next Top Asshole. His name is Bandit, and he may not turn…

August 3, 2017

Books People Send Me, Installment Four

I got home from Paris on Sunday afternoon having not slept a wink on the flight home. In fact, I spent ten hours plotting the brutal kidnapping and torture of the guy sitting in the aisle seat who fell dead asleep, sprawled out his legs…

August 2, 2017

Le secret de Paris, from someone who sure does talk about balls a lot

When people found out that I was going to be spending three weeks in Paris, the reactions broke into two distinct camps. People were either, “Oh my god, what are you thinking? I’d get bored after four days! You’re going to want to go home…

July 18, 2017

Parles-vous more slowly? Gracias!

The flight I took from SLC to Paris is a nonstop flight they added in 2008, the first transatlantic flight out of SLC. And they do it every day, not just when they feel like hopping on over to France to pick up some pain…

July 11, 2017

Mother, I did not go where you told me not to go, sort of

I am getting on a plane to Paris tomorrow and holy shit, I am not even going to pretend like I have any fucking clue what I am doing. I have been traveling 25 of the last 35 days, once even to Texas OF ALL…

July 7, 2017

Thoughts on mortality via my ever-evolving hair

This post is in partnership with 2-Minute Club who is offering $20 Off + Free Shipping on Pura D’or shampoo and conditioner system with code DOOCE. …… At the age of five after my family moved across town into a different school district in the middle of my…

July 6, 2017

Books People Send Me, Installment Three

At the end of the summer a library in Cache County, Utah, is going to be getting a slew of books that are all over the map in terms of content: coloring books, self-help, guides to better parenting, cooking with kids, murder mysteries that involve steamy…

June 28, 2017

In which I go overboard for the sake of my child’s self-esteem

This post is in partnership with Warner Bros. Pictures …… On June 30th, Warner Bros. Pictures is releasing a new comedy starring Amy Poehler and Will Ferrell called The House, a film about two desperate parents and the lengths they will go to for their…

June 26, 2017