Heater, Mother of Lance

Recent Posts

Look at me! Asking for your advice! Please be gentle!

This is a random request to start off a blog post, but you didn’t come here to read the website of a law-abiding citizen who really believes that George Washington cut down that cherry tree with all of their patriotic, law-abiding heart. NO. You came…

September 19, 2019

“Rocking flannels all summer like Kurt Cobain”

As I write this I’m sitting in bed propped up on pillows as some random dude I hired off of Nextdoor feeds me grapes and makes tiny origami shapes of Benicio Del Toro while singing the entire Bee Gees catalog. A cappella. He was originally…

September 11, 2019

A post about Paris unlike any I have ever written

Today’s post is brought to you by Tangents Unlimited®, a production of Heather B. Armstrong’s mind that you’re gonna wanna diagnose after reading this manic rambling spiral into HEATHER HAS MANIC DEPRESSIVE DISORDER AND YOU KNOW THIS BECAUSE YOUR AUTHORITY IS THE DIPLOMA YOU POSSESS…

July 16, 2019

Self-care after finding that lost dog scare

I promised you the other dog story that started out as the original story only to end up being a completely different story about That Other Dog who gave us a total scare the day after I published that post. She’s okay now, but her…

June 19, 2019

“Welcome to your life, there’s no turning back”

I need to write this all down, down baby, down by the roller coaster. Sweet, sweet baby, I’ll never let you go! Well, that just happened. Those words shot straight out of my fingers without any consideration on my part. If any of that means…

June 4, 2019

“I’m glad there is an internet job my mom is qualified for.”

YOU ARE GOING TO WANT TO READ THIS ONE ALL THE WAY TO THE END. OKAY? Okay. So. So many announcements, let me try to keep it all straight but I cannot promise anything. Except crying. There will be crying, so much of it and…

May 28, 2019

A nightmare raving

I have a ton of announcements to make, blah blah blah… bookplates are late but are being mailed (sorry! thank you for being patient), we’re going to LA next weekend and possibly going to San Francisco in June. I will give you all those details….

May 15, 2019

Lots to talk about, huddle up, team!

SO MUCH TO GET DONE HOLY GOD I LEAVE FOR MY BOOK TOUR IN ONE WEEK… LET ME INTERRUPT THIS FREAKOUT WITH WHAT IS KIND OF URGENT: I am adding an extra city to my book tour, and I’m giving you guys the opportunity to…

April 15, 2019

Eat, sleep, read, and then take a detour through Ontario

FIRST AND FOREMOST HEAR YE, HEAR YE: I’m debuting my new book at the The King’s English Bookshop in Salt Lake City on April 27th and hosting a Q&A with the lead anesthesiologist of my treatment, Dr. Scott Tadler. Also! My mom will be there…

April 8, 2019

And so the madness begins (did it ever have a specific beginning?)

Friday I was on a conference call when someone asked me about my availability on a certain date and when I looked around I couldn’t find my phone. I was sitting in front of my laptop but I have a far easier time visualizing whole…

March 25, 2019

Anglo-Saxon Jesus starring Jared Leto

Last week in the newsletter for my upcoming book I announced the official tour dates and events associated with it including one here in SLC that will feature the doctor who served as the lead anesthesiologist on my treatment. He will join me for a…

March 12, 2019