Heater, Mother of Lance

Recent Posts

Things Eun-Seo Finds Interesting, Installment Four

For context, you can find out how Eun-Seo rescued me came into our lives here. You can also find Installment One Here, Installment Two Here, and Installment Three Here.   “My neighbor/friend introduced me to this indie band called Faded Paper Figures and I really…

September 26, 2018

Concern trolls: This one is for you!

Back in May before either of us headed out on our summer adventures, Eun Seo sent me an installment of things she likes and I labeled it in gmail as “Follow Up” and “dooce”—you do not want to know how many labels I have in…

September 18, 2018

Fueling Quality Time in Park City with the 2019 Hyundai Santa Fe

This post was written in partnership with Hyundai. …… A few weekends ago the girls and I spent the weekend in Park City attending an event to celebrate the launch of the 2019 Hyundai Santa Fe SUV. When I asked them if they wanted to…

September 12, 2018
The Valedictorian of Being Dead

I done wrote me some words on dead trees!

Yeah. So. I’m not not gonna lie. Today is a pretty big fucking deal for me. Huge AF. And it’s all happening in the middle of a gigantic, unending move and a kid starting high school and somehow we shoved a summer’s worth of missed…

August 27, 2018

Adventures in pond water

Right. So. Where to begin, where to begin. Let’s just jump in (pun intended as you will soon discover) with my leaving Paris on Monday morning. Leaving France this year proved a tiny bit less dramatic than when I left last year since I knew…

July 27, 2018

France won the World Cup and all I got was a lesson in how to chill out

On Sunday I befriended a 20-year-old French kid named Etienne while sitting on the concrete railing of a walkway leading down to the Seine. We were gathered with hundreds of others in front of a relatively small television to watch the final match of the…

July 17, 2018

“To see the world with lights on for a change”

Greetings once again from a second story apartment in Le Marais, an historic district in Paris where last year I witnessed Parisian people behaving distinctly un-Parisian when Anderson Cooper climbed out of a black Mercedes with his luggage and headed toward the entrance of a…

July 9, 2018

A relic from my redneck heritage

I know that this is going to come as a huge surprise to almost all of you—WAIT. TANGENT IN THE FIRST SENTENCE. WHO SAYS I DON’T DELIVER. I just had my DNA analyzed by one of those private companies that is probably going to sell…

June 25, 2018

Excuse the dust, my inability to be polite showed up

Last week the girls an I visited Disneyland to celebrate Marlo’s ninth birthday (this whole thing happened NINE YEARS AGO) and yes, while I was very busy standing in hour-long lines with swaths of Disney-frenzied humanity, I was also processing what the fuck is going…

June 18, 2018

Yo Daddy 2018

Dear lord god, the run up to the end of the school year was like getting on one of those rides at an amusement park that turns in circles really fast after you’ve just chugged a whole jug of queso made out of toe cheese….

June 7, 2018