Heater, Mother of Lance

Recent Posts

The delivery that Marlo didn’t even know she needed

I am in the thick of trying to finish my book by my deadline in April, and recreating the exhilarating experience I had while writing the first 25,000 words in Paris is a bit like jamming a square peg into a round hole. First, I’m…

February 21, 2018

Life, a magnificently glorious fiasco

Last night my mother and stepfather brought Leta home from her dance lesson—wait. TANGENT ALREADY MOTHERFUCKERS. I just remembered an email I got years and years ago after I’d written a post wherein I referred to my stepfather as my “step-father” more that two times,…

February 14, 2018

Books People Send Me, Installment Eight

Oh my god, I have fallen behind on book installments and now I cannot see the floor of my office, wherever will I have illicit sex with the coworker who didn’t seem interesting at first until he told me he had seen Radiohead at a…

February 5, 2018

The End of The Rolling Groceries

A few years ago I had just driven out of the parking lot at the grocery store when I pulled to the side of the road to tweet something like: “The sound of all of the food rolling around in the back of my car…

February 2, 2018

A gift guide that does not at all resemble a gift guide, WTF, Heather

OK, first things first… I’ll eat your brains. Sorry, had to do it. Was compelled. You may not have any idea what that first sentence is in reference to, and if you aren’t I will not hold it against you. If you are, however, and…

January 22, 2018

“Today is a good day to die”

Dear god, I can finally talk about it, my mild to moderate fibromyalgia—wait. Sorry. Not that. I can’t get that stupid commercial out of my head from the months of watching “Felicity” on Hulu and having Leta say every word to the commercial out loud…

January 16, 2018

Our nighttime routine, interrupted

A few nights ago I was putting Marlo to bed—this is how it goes these days, and it’s different from even six months ago: I have her tell Leta goodnight, and she usually does this either in the most adorable or the most annoying way…

January 12, 2018

Reflecting on the year that was not last year, thank god and medicine

I was thinking back over the last couple of weeks and suddenly remembered, oh my god, Christmas happened! And I survived it! Like one survives forced repeated viewings of The Revenant. Don’t get me wrong, we had a wonderful, relaxing day and woke up to…

January 8, 2018

Fun with plumbing and potential electrocution

Last night I sent a text message to the cohost of my podcast that eventually turned into a cathartic rant ending with I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. I know that sounds pretty dismal, but a few months ago one of our listeners called my cohost…

December 19, 2017

“They say be with the one that you love”

Last week Spotify released its year end summary of user’s listening habits, including an individualized playlist of someone’s most played songs of the year. First of all, the timing of this is almost as egregious as Costco playing Christmas music the day after Halloween. GRUMBLE….

December 12, 2017

Decking the dadgumm halls

Anyone who has listened to my podcast recently knows that since I moved into this house at the end of February I have been dreading the holiday season for a completely different reason than I normally dread it—yes, of course I dread it. Whose website…

December 5, 2017