Heater, Mother of Lance

Recent Posts

How to Charm Me

Pretend not to notice that I’ve tripped over my own foot and landed headfirst into your cubicle.

July 17, 2001

How to Annoy Me

Print out something just for the specific purpose of walking behind my chair, stopping, and leaning down to smell my hair.


I wonder if she’ll notice that I’ve taken the track ball out of her mouse, and when she finally does, will she know it’s me? Will she know I secretly yearn to have her scream and slap me silly?

July 16, 2001


I’ve got deliverables coming down my pike, landing on my plate and pushing me offline, outside the scope and up to the next level.

July 13, 2001


C-A-L-L A-T-T! C-A-L-L A-T-T!

July 11, 2001


I shouldn’t have had that seventh slice of cantaloupe.

July 10, 2001


Sho no doo be cooking, in my book.

July 2, 2001

Radiohead in Santa Barbara

Santa Barbara has to be the most simultaneously beautiful and boring city on earth. Every street and passageway is flanked by gigantic palms trees and inordinately large pink flowers drowning in sunlight the color and intensity of gold. Yet, my cronies and I spent the…


Prince: The Hits 2

How to Annoy Me

Distract me when I’m driving. This is LA, not some second-rate pseudo-city where people drive cars as a part of playing grown-up.

Reasons I Should Not be Allowed to Work From Home

Too many cushiony horizontal surfaces prime for nappage. 13 bowls of cereal today, all within a two hour period. Oprah. Total Request Live. Horizontal surfaces. Rabid Naked IMing� Shower? Why? Porn. Have you seen my couch and it’s lovely horizontal surface? That box of Wheaties…

June 27, 2001