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I’m putting “vibrator” in this title so that it shows up in my twitter feed again

| February 6, 2014

There is a pair of sister missionaries serving in my neighborhood who have knocked on my door a few times in the last couple of months. I always chat with them and ask them how they are holding up because my brother was once a missionary, and kindness goes a long way when you’re a kid living in a foreign place doing this sort of work. That’s always something to remember when a Mormon missionary knocks on your door. They are just kids. And you really should give both of them a noogie.

Also, it’s probably a good idea to keep a batch of special brownies on hand for situations like this. Be a good hostess!

(Wouldn’t you be more apt to open your door if they were walking puppies?)

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Recently when they stopped by we had a brief chat and they invited me to a function down at the local ward house. After I said goodbye I was feeling particularly naughty and tweeted this:

For those of you unfamiliar with this website, I really didn’t have them try to fix my vibrator. I wouldn’t do that. I’m a lovely flower, you see. But unfortunately, I seemed to have offended one of the gatekeepers of heaven.

“Oh high and mighty super cool Twitter girl.” I love it when someone else writes next month’s tagline for me and I don’t even have to reimburse them.

I’m going to stand before God one day, you guys, and the best part about this is that I didn’t find out about it on facebook (the place where I found out that Jesus is very directly involved with the outcome of professional football games and cares a lot about beauty pageants). Some of the more zealous Christians have finally embraced twitter! This is exciting because I have a lot of burning questions:

She never did answer my question, so I should probably crowdsource that one on facebook. I didn’t check twitter after that for more than a day because I was too busy trying to fix my vibrator (not going to take the chance that when I die and meet God that he’s no good with tools). When I did finally have a free moment to sit down and open it on my phone I discovered… well… my goodness dear. Holy Roly Poly. I feel terribly responsible for the fact that this woman is going to have some serious ligament damage to the fingers she uses to tweet:

My favorite thing to come out of this is the hashtag #readyourbible which needs it’s own tumblr, could someone make that happen, please. Also, this: “So many in this world hurt God’s heart. :(”

Frowny face? That’s all she could muster for God? She can do so much better than that. How about any one of these faces:

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No? How about something more religious? Maybe hint that you’re praying for my soul?

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Something emotional?

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How about you just get mad at me and tell me what you’re really thinking.

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Or maybe take a really deep breath, step away from your computer or your phone and spend some quality time by yourself.

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