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the smell of my desperation has become a stench

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the smell of my desperation has become a stench

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Next thing you know I’m going to be meditating and posting inspirational quotes on Facebook

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Dear Daughter

Newsletter: Month Ninety-Six

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Guten Abend. I’m GenObst Birgräumfahrzeug Rask

Guten Abend. I’m GenObst Birgräumfahrzeug Rask die Erziéher.

Mein Mutter is letting me tell you a few things in case you are speaking to her in the next few days. Just sit back and burp.

One. I will never fix her a hot dog. I know how to fix her one. But I won’t.

Two. Relax, it’s easy. It won’t be rushed. You will only be signing away your left kidney. She collected many wonderful kidneys today!

Three. When I stand on my hind legs I am ¾ her size and TODAY I TURN SEVEN MONTHS OLD! HBD TO ME! 🎉🎂!!

Don’t worry, I won’t eat her because she’d taste like calcified twigs. But she lets me get *just close enough* that I could make her go missing in three seconds and no one would find her. But I’d still be starving.

Four. She lets me kiss her even though I’d eat poop wrapped in poop and baked in poop and frosted with special poop frosting.

Five. Her arthritis is bad 😢. I almost broke her right arm three times this week — that’s as far as she can straighten her right arm. I also dragged her across the kitchen floor on her butt when I darted for that wonderful ring-ding-dong-a-long music at the front door.

Six. She is also more uncoordinated than a pony stoned on bath salts. She gets rocks in her shoes just by sitting on the couch.

See? You can’t be worse than me. But, I *can* high five. 🐺🙌🏻

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