Misc

Yesterday Beth called to tell me about the experience that inspired this entry on her website. When she got to the part where her mother called up from the bathroom, “Do you want that book in your bathroom?…Sensational Organisms?” I honestly thought to myself, “I wonder what organisms would be considered sensational? Amoebas? Single-celled? Ticks? I wonder if she’d lend me that book because I’d sure like to know how you’d determine which organisms are sensational and those that aren’t sensational. Who has that authority?”

Obviously, since we’ve all arrived at the punch line, the organisms which are considered sensational are vaginal, clitoral, g-spot, anal (ahem), and a combination thereof, or so says the author of this convenient pocketbook you can carry around in the back of your pants:

When I picked up Beth for our walk yesterday she came outside with the pocketbook in hand and tossed it into the back of Leta’s stroller. Tossed! HA! TOSSED! Since Leta doesn’t yet speak proper English — although she’s been saying, “Wow,” and “Uh oh,” and, “Go,” with much frequency, highly appropriate to this post I just realized — Beth and I decided that we could talk freely about sensational organisms without little ears picking up naughty words. However, I fully expect Leta to look at me one day and just shout the word, “COCK.” That’s all I say every day, all day.

During the walk Beth and I both agreed that neither of us could be a lesbian, not because we don’t find women attractive, but because the thought of, um, doing, the uh, you know, that to a woman is frankly repulsive to the both of us, not that there’s anything wrong with doing it, just we wouldn’t want to. Dooce.com is obviously a family website, so I can’t just write the words, “Eating the pink taco,” and get away with it.

When we arrived back to my house I broke out the pocketbook and flipped instantly to a page with the title, “Suck, Don’t Blow.” And I remembered reading somewhere that a woman could die if she got air in her vagina because the air could get into her blood stream. When I told Beth this scientifically proven fact she got this look on her face, like, WHAT? I COULD HAVE DIED? And she turned to Leta and said, “Leta, if you going to remember anything, remember to tell him to suck and not to blow.”

We both stood there silently pondering the possibility of dying during oral sex, and I asked her, “Can you imagine the coroner’s report? MAN (or Woman, let’s be fair) BLEW AIR INTO VAGINA, KILLED INSTANTLY.” I just don’t want to go out that way.