• http://www.spintech.com.au Registered Trademark

    But what if I really, really, really wanted to touch your boobs? And what if I was extra nice while asking? Would you let me then?

  • http://www.dooce.com dooce

    Chances are, if you are extra nice while asking, you’re gay.

  • http://www.spintech.com.au Registered Trademark

    Possbily true, but in this case, not. At least I don’t think so.

  • http://www.realityremixed.com Keith

    When I form my band (and I will eventually form my band), I will call it “Evil Petting Zoo.” Our first album will be called Music To Have A.D.D. To.

  • Alex

    Ok, most of the stuff above is just gibberish; except for the burrito comment. Wow, that hit home like a sledgehammer. If I were riding a donkey, I would have fallen off, smitten.

  • http://convivial.blogspot.com Heather #2

    BAD ASIAN DRIVERS?! I can’t wait to see what that brings out of the woodworks!

  • http://marcneedham.com Marc

    I’ve been reading your website for a (very) long time and have a small concern.

    Will you become less cool when you move away from LA? I hope not. I mean, I’ll still keep reading but the minute you begin to sound like a suburban mom… I don’t know, I might have to weep a little.

    Good luck with everything!

  • http://kustapie.blogspot.com kate

    don’t stop blogging once you’ve moved, ‘k? and being that it’s imminent, good luck with it. i’ll bet chucklesworth is feeling the itch, too, eh?

  • http://us.imdb.com/Title?0118577 Ex-liontamer

    That certainly is sage wisdom …. for those who choose to live in a playground.

  • http://overflow.blogspot.com Cody

    You forgot the Pizza Orgasm. But then I’m a guy.

    You are so right about the sunscreen.

  • Mary Brockington

    You are as funny as Dave Barry! Like Dave Barry x Courtney Love! I love it.

  • http:///ALLISON113 ALLISONIC

    I play a mean triangle!

  • http://queserasera.blogspot.com Sarah B.

    Me! In an all girl band! Oh Heather, all my sweet Anna Waronker dreams are finally coming true.

  • http://thetextobscured.net ismat

    Can I handle your publicity? I know of several markets where such an all-girl band would be a major hit.

  • http://www.megchem.com megchem

    I personally can’t wait until you’re a suburban mom….i picture beans up noses and lots of bodily functions…sigh…LA will miss you! Also, isn’t there a double-double orgasm too? And…I think noon is the start of drinking especially if it’s hot.

  • http://www.touchup.com The Inmate

    So…just for reference, if at any given time I have to ask in order to touch somebody’s boobs, then I should automatically assume my chances for an affirmative answer are slim? Are you in some way supporting the unauthorized touching of boobs?
    That’s really what makes boob touching such a risky activity. You never know whether you should go ahead or not.

  • Lisa

    I was thinking that I liked both of those songs. Where do you find your music? I’d like to broaden my musical horizons. Could you educate me a bit, please?

  • http://paulsboutique.blogspot.com Paul Gutman

    Frankly, if your orgasms burn like wasabi, you might want to consider stopping. Don’t get me wrong, I love wasabi…but burning orgasms…sounds like another all girl blog-rock band.

  • andrew

    yah i guess i’m a bug coming out of the woodwork if i’m offended by your racism about the asian stuff? i like your writing except for that stuff. it’s cheap humor and untrue and hurtful.

  • http://tequilamockingbird.blogspot.com julia

    i notice your all-girl band has no name as of yet. so, as my “you’re moving away, and, although i don’t know you, i really hope it all goes well” gift to you, i’ll let you use the copyrighted band name i was gonna use when i start my band: nigella lawson’s cleavage. i get lots of hits on that via google, so i’m sure it would draw big crowds. plus, i have no musical talent, so it’s not like i was ever really gonna use it anyway. but, you know, you don’t have to use it. so…uh…good luck with the move. and the band. and stuff.

  • http://www.www.com The Inmate

    Lighten up, Andrew. If you read some of the archives, you’d know that the Asian Database Administrator is just a character loosely based on a real person, not an actual representation of anyone or any ethnic group. Even so, it’s still funny, and if you don’t get it, doesn’t mean it’s “cheap humor”.

  • http://aprilgem.com/log April

    If there were cute boys in that all-girl blog rock band, I would love to be a groupie.

  • http://yo.needs.a.fucking.reality.check me

    “It’s cheap humor and untrue…” – no it’s not. “It’s… hurtful.” – yeah, that’s why it’s funny. In conclusion, shut up Andrew.

  • Nigella Lawson’s Buttocks

    Julia, that is the BEST band name ever! Dooce, you so gotta use it. I’ll even make your t-shirts for ya!!

  • http://www.thesafeword.com/daily/kerry.html Kerry

    I think Carbonated Vomit would be a cool name for a band.

  • http://amindofamind.blogspot.com Naaman

    Of the times I’ve been down to LA, it’s certainly important to wear sunscreen, cruise down sunset with 24 inch rims, and wear clear sunglasses indoors at dinner.

  • http://blab-o-rama.home.att.net Beerzie Boy

    Re Remarks about your boss (Prada shoes or not):

    Youi need to use my all-purpose blog disclaimer:

    “Your Humble Narrator wants you to realize that cruel, slanderous, or uncharitable remarks, (which could be interpreted by the small-minded as slanderous) such as referring to his project executive as a Miss Piggy look-alike, are not made to elicit cheap laughs or to vent his anger.”

  • Zeek

    Carbonated Vomit – trademark that one. I almost laughed lunch all over my keyboard.

  • ex southern babtist

    Dooce, Oh boy, are you in love or what?

  • jennay

    When Colleen and I start a band, we’re gonna be called Middle Finger and the Fuck Yourselves.

  • http://convivial.blogspot.com Heather #2

    Jennay: your name, when repeated in my mind, sounds like Forrest’s pronunciation for his true love, Jenny. Oh, but I’m writing to tell you how much I like your band name.

  • simon

    does two samakes make a bukkake?

  • http://www.two-muses.com lynn

    ach, bettie serveert. a touch of chez nous…chez dooce?

  • http://minimoo.com mini moo

    how many actors did you actually date ?

  • http://www.dooce.com dooce

    mini moo: my legal team has advised me not to answer that question.

  • http://www.blurbomat.com The badass motherfucker husband

    Any of you fools even think of my wife’s boobs and i’ll tear your head off. With my bare hands. p.s. I don’t wear gnome shoes.

  • http://harrumph.com heather

    dating actors in la sounds alot like dating fashion photographers in new york. exciting yet extremely unfun at the same time. bring on the drums, baby!

  • http://harpold.com leslie

    dating actors in LA sounds like dating musicians in new york. or anywhre, for that matter. now i’ve gotta go stay up all night and write us some songs!

  • http://www.zosiablue.com Zosia

    I think I would like to read an in-depth thesis someday on what exactly wasabi and warm french fry orgasms are. Burning and salty? Condiment-y and fattening?

  • Cat

    Geez, all these fast food orgasms. Pizza?! Burgers?! And the oh so common wasabi condiment… People, you’ve got to work for the good ones! Don’t settle for less than glorious concoctions and decadent desserts. I’ve got two categories to add to yours, Dooce. Long Island Iced Teas and Triple Layered Chocolate Ganache Tortes Topped with Whipped Cream and Sprinkles.

  • moose

    once, after signing a guest book at an art show in wyoming, they showed up at my east coast dorm room door. men in black suits and ties. we were afraid it was the fbi or narcs or something. now, not so far from slc, they are everywhere. men in black suits and ties on bicycles. sure you wanna make this move? sure you’re sure.

  • http://www.cuene.com Asian Database Administrator and Proud

    So, if I shouldn’t eat it, can I at least *touch* the whole burrito? DO I have to ask for that?

    Aside: I think, if someone really loved you, they’d sing Mason Jennings “Butterfly”. Then they wouldn’t have to ask about the boobs, would they.

  • http://www.shauny.org/pussycat shauna

    ahh, you have learned much, daniel-san. (i’ve felt a mr. miyagi moment coming on all day). i do love the name of your band, and think you have the perfect hair to be the lead singer. now i must go buy a bass. woo!

  • http://http://thepropagandist.com the propagandist

    i always thought “sucking chest wound” would make a cool name for a band. so there ya go.

  • http://inspirationstrikes.blogspot.com Monkey Matt

    heh heh. boobies.

  • bi coastal

    it seems more men in los angeles are gay and don’t know it.

  • blair

    wow. la seems so plastic. I love it.
    What ive learned from living in rural Canada:
    - fuck the french
    - ice fishing and beer are a good mix.
    - Shakin one off while in a tree stand during hunting season rocks.
    - Rush is a Canadian supergroup, yet every Canadian hates them (and rightfully so)

  • blair

    If i had a band, they would be called ‘Dad Aftertast’

  • http://blab-o-rama.home.att.net Beerzie Boy

    Your Band Name: Cotton Pony

    Why: I think you know.

  • http://chris.rock Buddha Sack

    You know what that is, right? A D-W-O: Driving While Oriental. Peace Out!