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A Necessary List of Things That Scare Me Shitless

2003/03/19

opossums
flying cockroaches
denim couches
acrylic nails
gold lam�
tornadoes
Andy Rooney
tabasco
Arkansas
black ice
anything under the hood of a car
exercise balls
swamps
TRL
Ross Dress For Less
short, stubby toes
gigantic panties
Code Red Mountain Dew
eels
wicker
treadmills
club soda
prunes
penciled eyebrows
berets
lizards
glass elevators
mushy peas
baloons
Pamela Anderson’s breasts
cats in heat
swollen ankles
dentures
plaid
Willy Wonka
The Day After

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  • http://zchannie.blogspot.com zchamu

    Gin. Gin is the liquor of the devil.

  • http://quixotical.org Anna

    At first I was thinking, “Opossums? Who’s scared of opossums?” And then I remembered I have an intense fear of koala bears and so should shut the hell up.

    If you didn’t like “The Day After” make sure you never see “28 Days Later.”

  • http://www.inmate.com The Inmate

    Worst torture imaginable: sit me through a National Geographic special on the Praying Mantis, a la Clockwork Orange. Shitless is not even in the same continent as how scared those things make me.

  • Igor

    Inmate,

    If you’re about on a par sizewise for a regular member of the species I hardly think a praying mantis is going to look at you as a suitable food source.
    Humans are a far scarier bunch.

  • http://moose.com moose

    wild pigs
    grizzly bears
    tiny dogs with sharp teeth
    making mistakes
    throwing up
    forgetting
    dooce’s reserved rights
    just kidding

  • robley

    i have denim couches. i didn’t realize for over a year that they were denim, either. i thought they were just blue and perpetually cold.

    i -did-, however, sew a motorhead backpatch onto one of the cushions.

    my left ankle was also too swollen to wear a shoe for 5 months following surgery, and how i skated on it when i shouldn’t have and never went to physical therapy.

    FEAR ME GODDAMNIT.

  • Pinkie

    The pencilled in eyebrows look scares me too. Specifically because it makes them look like clowns and clowns scare me.

    Wow, am I the first post?

  • http://www.lutero.com/weblog Tim

    But… but… the martini glasses were so sexy.

  • http://homepage.mac.com/imjeffp imjeffp

    >balloons
    >Pamela Anderson’s breasts

    Isn’t this redundant?

  • lordgoon

    My ancestors in England used to eat mushy peas at least once a day, and they all seem to have turned out all right. Er…wait, though…they also used to eat ‘trotters’ (picked pigs’ feet wrapped in terrycloth) whenever they went to the movies. Okay, so…never mind.

    I’m with you about Andy Rooney. Even just watching him on TV, you can smell the formaldyhyde.

  • http://tequilamockingbird.blospot.com julia

    my list is strikingly similar. although a couple of my items are like clusters of your items. for example: andy rooney wearing gold lame and a beret while lounging on a plaid denim couch, drinking a code red mountain dew while watching the day after while petting a cat in heat.

    see? scary stuff right there.

  • http://www.ericalynn.com ericalynn

    I’m totally there with you regarding Willy Wonka.

  • http://www.chriscrosdale.com Croz

    How about an opossum with acrylic nails, wearing denim and lame, that had eyebrows like Andy Rooney and a hat like Willy Wonka?
    Okay, that would be scary too.

  • Micheal Jackson

    all that, and i didn’t even make the list…

  • Michael Jackson

    and i didn’t spell my name right.

  • http://www.clamhead.com Keri

    Do you mean Willy Wonka the character or Willy Wonka the movie? Because, you know, when they take the boat through that tunnel, that was some pretty scary stuff. But Willy Wonka himself wasn’t that scary…

  • http://www.brochspot.com Broch

    Ironically, most things on the list are things that one would encounter on a weekend trip to Memphis, Little Rock, Dallas, well hell, any place south of the Mason Dixon line…

  • Danika

    Snakes
    Carrot Top

  • http://www.apeymonkey.com christa

    I’m afraid of Willy Wonka (the character) too.

  • http://www.injust-spring.com Alex

    - My mother’s tattooed eyebrows (which are done way to high so she looks constantly surprised)

    - My mother’s tattooed lipliner

    - My mother’s constant bad perms

    - Eh, what the hell, my mother!

  • http://aprilgem.com/log April

    Um. Okay. Stupid question. What’s TRL?

  • http://convivial.blogspot.com Heather #2

    I make a solemn vow in front of God and all dooce.com readers never wear sandals in your presence, lest you become shitless.

  • Carrie

    What about those flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz? (shudder) Personally, I found them much more creepy than Willy Wonka, but to each her own, right?

  • The Inmate

    1. I think it’s spelled “Yuppie”. As in, not like “Puppy”.

    2. What’s up with asking for my e-mail address? I don’t want to give my e-mail address to anyone. Particularly not to some of the nutcases that show up in here!

  • Bruce

    Bushes

  • http://www.dooce.com dooce

    April: TRL is Total Request Live
    Inmate: Thanks for the spellcheck.
    Heather #2: I bet I would adore your fucking toes!

  • http://www.incae.edu The Inmate

    Wow that was quick. I don’t expect anyone to redo graphics that fast. Hats off, Dooce. I just couldn’t leave it well enough alone….glass-half-empty, overcritical bastard that I am.

  • http://www.bathtubgin.blogspot.com windowsill wendy

    anna nicole smith
    spiders
    ‘trotters’

    in that order. yikes.

  • http://www.jenandtonic.ca jenB

    - tiny panties
    - acid wash demin making a comeback
    - any sitcom on ABC

  • Stephanie

    Yes, yes, yes – That goddamn The Day After! If I had never seen that, I truly believe I’d be a much more carefree girl right now. I’d like to give the producers a good cockpunching random panic scenes from that movie that flash in my head every time someone tells me to “go about my daily routine”.

  • rickster

    Isn’t it interestng that “balloons”, “Pamela Anderson’s Breasts”, and “Cats in Heat” are all in a row??

  • http://www.uberdesign.com/ nick

    oh – no, don’t knock the dew. code red is sweet, sweet nectar.

  • http://notsograceful.blogspot.com anna jr.

    dude, i just moved to arkansas.

    and it’s really not so bad at all.

    kind of like utah, i’m guessing.

    as far as things that scare me go, the number one thing on my list is vomit.

  • http://funtime.studiom11.com Funtime Ben

    I’m scared by the little granules on the bottom of English Muffins.

  • http://feministe.us/blog/ ms lauren

    i’m deathly afraid of fish, eating fish, fish in fishtanks where i eat, fish touching me in the water, fish in lakes, fish gills, and fish bric-a-brac.

    i can’t believe someone asked what TRL is! (*flips hair*)

  • http://blab-o-rama.com Beerzie Boy

    People who use the word “utilize” or “plethora”

  • http://feministe.us/blog/ ms lauren

    by the way, i can spread my short stubby toes like a fan.

    it’s pretty fucking weird.

  • http://blab-o-rama.com Beerzie Boy

    Oh, yeah. Richard Simmons.

  • black b

    dooce, you left off those creepy bugs that your dashing husband almost ate.

    bugs. all bugs. flip me the freak out.

    also clowns.

  • Jon

    On Pam’s noticeable features – is that before or after the implants were taken out?
    They hypnotize me, they do.

  • dayna

    raisins.
    raisins are terrifying little grape gremlins.
    *eeeeek*

  • Tiff

    That isn’t really a post by Michael Jackson is it??? Holy Shit if it is…I knew you were great and popular, but the King of Pop…you the WOMAN!

  • http://misspriss.org/weblog/ Cyberangel

    Leona Helmsley

  • http://inapuddle.com Anne

    I whole-heartedly agree with the acrylic nails… and I’ll bet there’s a host of Doocers (readers of Dooce, that is) that are shamefully off to dispose of their fake freaky nails where the evidence can’t be found.

  • http://www.sourbob.com/ sourbob

    Dooce, don’t forget:
    Your AP English teacher.

  • http://dirtnerdluv.diaryland.com/index.html andrew

    I saw my first opossum a year or so ago here in Chicago. Holy crap! I almost called the cops cause it was so scary ugly. Nobody warned me. And you know what’s scary about wicker? Flying cockroaches can hide in them! I grew up in Hawaii and so I know…Wow I just creeped myself out remembering.

  • http://mervis.blogspot.com mervis

    Sinking ships. Anchors.

  • jacqui

    *shudder* gold lamé. oh my god freak flashback to tasteless 80s fashion. you are sooo right with that. and what about people who speak in “quotes”? they really need a slapping…

  • http://www.one-gal.com/blog/ annie j.

    The Day After should be required watching material in school.

  • http://www.theagathaexperience.com Agatha

    What about JAP-ee girls? They scare the bejeezus out of me.

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