• kelledy

    I used to wait tables in an upscale restaurant inside of a very annoying upscale department store. It was Halloween, and attempting to be festive at my super snooty and uptight job, I drew a pumpkin on my cheek with face paint. My boss walked in the restaurant during the lunch rush, and just as I was about to take another order for Cobb salad bleu cheese on the side, my boss had a breakdown and just kept pointing at me and spastically repeating “GET IT OFF!!! GET IT OFF YOUR FACE!! GO TO THE WASHROOM!! GET IT OFF!! {insert choking noise} GET IT OFF YOUR FACE NOW YOUNG LADY” And so I went to the bathroom and used the pink public bathroom soap and my face was tight with degradation for the rest of the shift. When I came out of the restroom, someone had summoned the paramedics, as Mister GETITOFF had hyperventilated. He had real pumpkin issues, apparently.

  • sarah d.

    my boss, bob, had an un-necessarily complicated spreadsheet he liked to call “the matrix”. every time he had me make a minor change to it, he would have me print it out even though he and i were the only people who ever saw it. sometimes he would have me print it out two or three times a day and then yell across the office for me to come to his office to “go over the “the matrix.” other than that he was a sweet guy.

  • http://www.injust-spring.com Alex

    “Uh, Alex…how do you keep your teeth so white?” this was said by my very first boss as she looked in the mirror picking out black shit from in between her two front teeth. My reply was, “I brush them.”

    Other than that, all of my bosses have been mild mannered and sadly, shock-free.

  • keller

    Icky italian boss: “When was the last time you had a good fuck?”
    Me: “Uh…”
    IIB: “Ever have your ass hole licked?”
    Me: (shocked speechless)
    IIB: “You’ve NEVER had your ass hole licked??? I’ll lick your ass hole. Come over here so I can lick your ass hole!”

    He just kept saying ‘lick’ and ‘ass’ and ‘hole’.

    I don’t work there anymore.

  • http://crimeny.net kelly

    I’m an office assistant on a college campus.

    “Kelly, great job cutting up those flyers. We’ve got about 800 of them now, right? That’s not too many…”

    “Yeah, I guess 800 isn’t… too… many?”

    “That’s what I thought. There’s 3 mistakes on each of them. Here’s a sharpie.”

  • http://dooce.com teletranUno

    about 2 years ago, my boss approached me with a legal-looking documanet:

    Him: “can you scan this, then change these dates to reflect this quarter?”
    me: “This is a Tax ID form. It’s kinda illegal to forge this.”
    Him: “Oh, well, i’ve already contacted the IRS, and the new form is on the way, i just need to supply this to IBM, and they needed it like, a month ago.”

    I wish i could say i quit the next day. instead i continued to work for the king of all shadiness for another 2 years. oof.

  • http://perils.typepad.com Paula

    My boss did a vanity search on my name and found my blog. This was when he decided he needed to start accumulating reasons for pushing me out after I refused to side with him against the entire department on matters too stupid and long to get inot here. Anyway, while I didn’t write anything about anyone or any goings-on there, I had written some things after my stint at IBM. He found a post where I mentioned taking a personal day and going to Borders and then to a coffee shop and started yelling at me, cornering me in my cube and flailing his arms about. He said “This is fucking bullshit! How the hell do I know that when you take a sick day you aren’t just running around shopping and sipping lattes. Or, maybe you’re just surfing the net and wiping your ass to my stupidity! This is fucking bullshit!”

    On the last declaration of bullshit, his finger — the one he’d been pointing in my face for several seconds — actually made contact. The next day I went to HR and the rest is history (I’m currently collecting unemployment).

  • ksea

    “Do you always smell so fresh?”

  • TobyJoe

    “Go ahead and laugh, retards always do!”

  • http://justjill.typepad.com jill

    Our office gave our volunteers Christmas gifts each year. This particular year, my boss insisted that she be the one to wrap and handle the cards… I was very suspicious at this point, because she usually never did anything. After handing out said gifts, I peeked at one of the cards, and sure enough, she had SIGNED them “Love, Amy” No mention of anyone else in the office. She was trying to Whore herself off as the ONE and ONLY gift giver. Funny thing was too, that just 3 days later while at lunch, she said, “Oh and by the way, I signed “with love from the Special O office.” yeah sure… she knew I knew and for some reason I got fired one month later!

  • http://www.r80o.com Mark

    “Don’t deposit your paycheck until NEXT Wednesday”

    Paydays are Tuesday.

  • Sarah

    Well it looks like just about everyone who reads dooce has or has had a crazy/terrible/obnoxious/perverted/skanky boss.

    A lot of bad bosses out there? Yes.

    I’ve had a bunch too. Creepy old men who asked me out, talked to my breasts (guy! my face is up here!), called me (with no irony) a “good girl” (after I single-handedly pulled off an insanely huge project, under budget, inside of a week, for an urgent customer engagement), and the worst: a psycho woman who passed off all my work as hers, would come in only about four hours a day, scream at me and the rest of the team to work the weekends to meet completely imagined deadlines, and then ask me to babysit her daughter while she IM’d her husband all day for advice on how not to get fired. Good times, good times.

    Here’s my advice to that psycho beeyotch who made my life a sleepless hell for four months before she did get her ass fired: get help before you turn your innocent children into little fuct-up versions of yourself, you narcissistic sociopath.

    But the best boss I ever had really knew what she was doing, had a sterling professional record herself AND was punk-rock. She appreciated all the hard work I did, helped me be successful, gave me invaluable professional mentoring, and fully appreciated that my reading http://www.mnftiu.cc on the company clock every now and then didn’t mean I was a slacker, it just meant I had a (however questionable) sense of humour. When I got promoted she quipped “So are you feeling self-actualized yet?”

    So glad to have had just one really good one. For that while there, I actually *liked* going to work, and was proud of the work I did there, and I laughed a lot. We don’t work together anymore (have both moved on to other things), but we’re friends now that I’m no longer her direct report. Whoever works for her now, enjoy! She’s the best!

  • http://mihow.com mihow

    “I’ll pay you overtime.”

  • http://www.nikky.org - nikky -

    he was a pretty cool guy and we got along great. one time we were sitting around when he told me he used to be a male prostitute. at first i didn’t believe him, of course. but then he went into great detail about some of his clients; stuff i know he wouldn’t have been able to make up.

  • http://www.crowndozen.com stace

    worked in a candy store for four years- district manager said: “have you ever given a blow job with these pop rocks in your mouth? it’s great!”

  • http://www.orangerhymes.com Renee

    Upon finding out that my vacation days were being spent in Cozumel, Mexico my boss emailed me and said to bring back pictures of myself in a bikini, then added maybe naked.

    I’m still kicking myself for deleting it and not using it against him for all his other idiot behavior while I worked there.

  • Bette

    Hmm. A former boss — female and childless — said, “Well, you’re past your first trimester, so you shouldn’t be tired anymore.” Heh. If I hadn’t been so freakin’ tired, I woulda educated her on the fact that women experience pregnancy differently…and kicked her teeny, hemorrhoid-less ass.

  • http://talpidae.diaryland.com Shawna

    I recently did an analysis regarding a new instructor certification requirement (not actually necessary to do my job and only added so that the company could say that their employees were EXTRA qualified) for my (very) part-time job and found that paying for the new $300+ certification would reduce my net annual income from that job to $63. When I shared this interesting tidbit with my boss she emailed back “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOUR POINT IS.” and “I’M GLAD YOU MENTIONED IS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY BECAUSE… IT LOOKED LIKE THE ONLY THING THAT YOU WERE IN IT FOR WAS THE MONEY.” Dude, I make $63 a year working for you. I wouldn’t be working here if I was in it for the money.

  • http://www.talkingcrow.com/blog/ rosebaby

    has it been two years already? no schoolgirl comments, but tied for first for me are 1) “your fired for doing _x_”. when i said i didn’t do x, they came back 10 minutes later and said “nevermind, you’re not fired, you’re right, it wasn’t your fault”. and 2) “i’m sorry that your grandmother just died, but you can’t leave until you finish making your sales calls”.

    happy frog smiles. give chuck a hug from buck.

  • L

    Two true stories from friends:

    Friend X quit her job as an exploited nanny, and as she was fleeing, the mother screamed after her, “But you CAN’T leave me alone with my CHILDREN!”

    Friend Z was hired by a small firm, and on his first day of work, he was told to go fire a woman who had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. (She was being fired because the company couldn’t afford the hike in their insurance rates.) Nice place to work. He refused, quit, and never looked back.

  • http://www.zosiablue.com Zosia

    “Um, we’d really like you to not use IM on your lunch break,” as the classic AIM chimes and a white box popped up on her computer screen.

  • http://staticred.net/speakeasy/ Darren James Harkness

    The most insane thing asked of me by a boss occurred when creating a new website for the company I was working for at the time…

    “Can you make that box… boxier?”

  • http://bornfamous.com lavonne

    Working as a radio news director, I was once told, “We don’t care about the news. Your job is to make us SOUND like we care about the news.” I gave notice shortly afterward.

  • joaaanna

    At our department holiday party my boss got really drunk and kept coming up to me and yelling, “YOU HATE ME! REMEMBER, YOU HATE ME!!!” (which I do, but that’s beside the point) She spent the entire night talking about me very loudly to a co-worker (MY FRIEND) and proceeded to tell her that she is in therapy because of me. I’m not sure whether to be ashamed or proud. Yeah – I’m proud.

    She also was laying spread eagle on the pool tables.

  • Kat

    she: did you use up all the jello?
    me: yes.
    she: good. never make jello again.

  • http://mikao.blogspot.com michelle

    “An old man s*** all over the toilet and you need to clean it up.”

    The following however, may bring it more into perspective for you:
    a) this was said at 4pm, 2 hours after my shift ended.
    b) it was said whilst aforementioned boss was pounding on my locked bedroom door.
    c) I cleaned bathrooms between 9 and 10am. They were clean that morning after I was done with them.
    d) I no longer clean toilets in the Yukon. And for that, I am extremely thankful.

  • http://www.viruszine.com Maytina

    Well, while working in a hotel bar/night club run by a family of coke heads, the main boss guy was always a pervert. After working there for six months or so, I find myself restocking the beer fridges alone with him and he says ‘I’d love to get a closer look at those pink panties’. I was pretty sure I was wearing black ones and I brushed it off as him being weird. Upon discovering that I was, in fact, wearing pink panties I just about had a heart attack. HTF did he know that?

  • Kinuk

    She didn’t want to pay the health insurance on my name, so thought it would be a good idea if I opened a bank accound abroad under a different name into which she could wire me the money. “Look, you won’t have to pay income tax that way, I don’t have to pay your health insurance, we’re both winners here”, she said.

  • Win

    Both of these from the same editor: (I’m a reporter)

    1. I was writing a story about a high school kid who, while robbing a gun store, killed the gun store owner with one of the firearms he was trying to steal. Crazy editor was on my ass all night to find schoolmates of this kid and “find out what he’s all about.” After entirely too much time reporting, I was able to find out the kid was in the high school band. Rather than being pleased with this bit of journalistic gold, Crazy Editor snapped, “Oh yea?! What instrument did he play!?”
    “SHOTGUN,” I snapped back.

    2. On the night of the great northeast black out last year, we did NOT lose power here. Crazy Editor’s breathless assignment to me was “Can it happen here?!?”
    My response: “You mean could the power ever go out? I’m thinking yes.”

  • http://xdm.typepad.com/weblog/ XDM

    Yeeowch. I bet no onw will ever get down to his, but here goes:
    1) When I first moved to DC I worked for a Democratic direct mail strategist. I was an indentured servant to him. I lived in his house, picked up his laundry and ran his office during the day while going on third shift press checks at night. He paid me about 1k a month, no benefits, while he blew tens of thousands on hookers, drugs and gambling and nickled and dimed vendors. After the electrions he went on big game safari’s that cost hundreds of thousands of dollars.
    2)Had a woman once who used to threaten me with physical violence and swear at me daily. Everything I did I checked twice becuase I was so afraid of her. “No, our story didn’t run, the OJ verdict came back. Yes, I’m sure.” * quaking *
    3) Had a man who, when I gave him a press release said to me, “This is what I want you to give me every time…fellatio…on paper of course …wink…wink.”

  • http://www.whenthestarsgoblue.com Jeorg

    Well, mine isn’t as good as everyone elses, but this is the dumbest I’ve gotten yet…

    I was at work and not feeling well (think retail), and so I started with the vomitting and looking pale as a ghost. My boss told me I couldn’t leave, but that I could go lie down in the break room. So I did (Yes, dumb on my part, should have left). Things got worse, and when I did go home, I went to the pharmacist to ask if I could take anything. She said there was a bug going around…
    Next day, call in sick. My boss, who had seen me sick, pale, out-of-it crazy, and all sick smelly, actually said she was going to need a note from the doctor excusing my absence. I told her that if the day before wasn’t proof enough then this was my immediate notice. She proceeded to chew me out for my unprofessionalism, and I let her have it. I then went and puked. I felt much better a couple of days later.

  • http://www.livejournal.com/users/lil_heart/ Lisa

    I was doing some temporary filing while at uni. The boss asked me to photocopy some things and I’d never seen a photocopier like this one before and simply asked how it worked.

    her – “What? Didn’t they teach you anything at university?”

    me – “copy101. yeah. I failed that paper”

  • http://www.furtherstudios.com/ Lester Nelson

    Ha ha, these comments give me great material to use on my employees!

  • Trish

    When I was working tech support, during a performance review, my boss suggested I take fewer calls.

    I’m still with the company (in a different dept.) and new techs still come over to my desk to find out if that story’s really true.

  • Patricia

    My boss once came to my desk, bend over and whispered in my ear with a naughty smile on his face :
    “Are those real??”. I looked into his eyes with an innocent smile and said , like , seriously :”Well , when I decided to have that sex change surgery, I made clear that I wanted,not only to remove my penis, but also to have some nice ,large boobs”. And then he asked : “Shut up , you were a guy ??” with a larger smile and a very excited look in his eyes.
    HOLY. SHIT.
    I should´ve had the idea of creating my own website then, because after that I SO wanted to get fired.
    He kept making some really sick homossexual comments in my desk and asked me out every weekend of the next month that I worked there. And dude,like ,the guy was married. To a woman .
    Why I didn’t sue that company is one of the true mysteries of MY life too.
    I had nightmares for a decade ,and I´m still looking for the right support group.

  • http://sansburys.blogs.com/will/ will

    I worked for a telephone broadcasting company (yeah, the “please hold for an important message from…” people) that was staffed almost entirely bu Bigass Baptist Church members. One day, the president called a staff meeting to show us a video of poverty in Haiti. After the video, he told us through alligator tears that it was our duty to help the “poor little boys and girls.” Then he wiped the tears from his eyes, stood up straight and said, “But of course, we can’t help them. They don’t have phones.”

    At this same company, I worked in a basement with 6 foot ceilings and giant wooden beams with multitudes of nails sticking out of them. This basement was just below over TWO HUNDRED free cubicles.

    That job lasted about three months.

  • http://www.rockthecasbah.org susu

    While on an internship at a kindergarten, my “boss” called us all together for a small meeting to talk about the current situation of a 3-year-old child and his parents. While talking, she suddenly went all “You! *pointing at me* What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be fingering yourself on the staff toilet or call your sugar daddy for some new vibrators?”

    To this day I tried to supress what she said to me, but I honestly broke out in laughters. She never really talked to me again, and I was quite happy when my internship was over.

  • Amie’sMommy

    Well, it wasn’t so much said to me, but after I got back from my honeymoon, the company prez put a poster with all different kinds of contraceptives on it right in my office. Strangely, I was more struck by how sadly outdated the poster was (it still had sponges) rather than how grossly outrageous the act was. However, reading these other comments makes me realize I had it easy. I kept it for three years as a gag, and I swear, the week after I finally threw it away, I got pregnant!

  • http://www.livejournal.com/users/bookstar m

    i had an english boss, too.
    he said, after refusing to speak to me for 6 months, “it took me one call to get you into medical school, and it will take me one call to make sure you never get in.”
    he was a shrink. gotta love the manipulation that comes with that title.

  • http://shegotzen.blogspot.com kirsten

    one of my summer jobs was at a little deli with a sadist of a boss. once, after i had opened the freezer and five or six wrapped frozen steaks had fallen out, i started restacking them so that they wouldn’t fall out. my boss came up behind me and started screaming for dropping meat on the floor. he restacked him the old way so that they teetered on the edge of the freezer while yelling at me, saying that i was supposed to be ‘a smart college girl, not somebody with nothing in her head.’
    another time, after the toilet clogged yet again, he decreed that employees were no longer allowed to use the bathroom, even though we were there for about eight hours six days a week.

  • http://timeformetofly.com Amber

    I’ve had bosses say SO many things to me. However, one from my nanny job in Berkeley takes the cake. I had walked in and shown her (remember, this is Berkeley) that I had just gotten my belly button pierced. She looks up, and says, loudly:

    “Yeah, JUST WAIT TILL YOU GET YOUR CLIT PIERCED!”

  • http://www.livejournal.com/users/midorionna/ emily

    i used to work in a candy store run by geriatrics. they would always play this sinatra cd that skipped and since nobody in the store could actually hear it, i had to listen to the same line in “witchcraft” for hours on end.
    when i approached my boss about the skipping cd he yelled at me and told me: “YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT FRANK SINATRA IS SUPPOSED TO SOUND LIKE. SHUT UP!”
    he couldn’t even hear the cd himself!
    hearing witchcraft still makes me crazy.

  • http://www.excitementmachine.org Kim

    My former boss had a stuffed Tribble in her office, which is apparently a Star Trek thing, which gives you an idea of her interests. It was featured WAY too much in office shenanigans. She once attacked me from behind with it, making like it was eating my neck, while she shouted something like “GIH GIH GIH GIH GIH GIH!” Some months later I was almost fired for having a “bad attitude.”

  • http://meringue.adazakura.org Elizabeth

    “Go ahead, cut your finger off.”

  • http://www.upsaid.com/krobb karen

    i’ll admit this wasn’t said directly to me, but: i worked at a newspaper and there was a fire in the building. my boss came through the newsroom telling people to head outside. he said, “there’s a fire, everyone needs to get out.” then to those working on putting the pages together, “if you’re on deadline, let your conscience be your guide.” the same boss also once pulled his pants down in front of a circle of female employees to show us his little heart tattoo.

  • http://midwestgrrl.blogspot.com midwestgrrl

    Me: So, I’m giving you my 2 weeks notice. Thanks for the 3 1/2 years of employment and everything.

    Boss: Um, where are you going?

    Me: XYZ Corp.

    Boss: Uh. Ha ha! Well. I interview a lot of people from there, and they don’t have too much good to say about it! But good luck, or whatever.

    Me:

  • http://illuminn.blogspot.com Illuminn

    I’m sitting in his office one day asking why he didn’t tell me about X when it had a major impact on the way I will be doing my job. He says to me, “Well I know you’re seeing a therapist I didn’t want to read the paper tomorrow and discover that you killed yourself over something I said.”

    No ego there. Nope, none whatsoever.

    Interestingly enough I happened to be working for a “Christian” seminary at the time. No compassion either.

  • http://www.craigemorsels.com Craige

    “I see you going to the bathroom ALL the time. If you actually worked as hard as I do, you wouldn’t have TIME to pee!”

  • Lola

    “You really need to make sure not to get your body cremated when you die, because you’ll need it for the resurrection.”
    That’s the best one I can think of atm. It’s so totally awesome being the only non-Mormon in the office.

  • http://www.morethandonuts.blogspot.com Kristen Duncan Williams

    Oh…where to begin:

    Email:

    “Dear Staff- Please note that Europe has a different time zone then America. Please keep this in mind should you call us for any reason while we
    are on vacation.”