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Happy Second Annual Dooce Got Fired Day | dooce® dooce® » I'm Heather B. Armstrong. This is my website. » Happy Second Annual Dooce Got Fired Day
  • a.j.duric

    Walking into Dickhead’s office (his name was actually Dick) early one morning, I saw him prone on the floor under his desk and feared/hoped he’d finally died from exhaustion after weeks of all-nighters and stress meeting a deadline working on code for a client. He popped his eyes and muttered, “Get my whip”, and then promptly fell asleep again. Deranged freak.

  • Brack

    If you are Christian it could be highly offensive, so read at your own risk:

    In response to being asked about her religion, obviously an alternative one, she received much negative feedback. Her response: “At least I don’t worship a dead Jew on a stick.”

  • Lisa

    “You’re not a very good value proposition.” (this after completely changing my job role 180 degrees and expecting me to make the switch in 3 months)

  • alison

    Ok, you have to picture this coming from a short, slightly overweight, vest-wearin’, receding hairline having, long-haired, umbrella toting manager of a copy shop.— “It’s only life, Alison” (add a high pitched whiney voice to that list) He also coined the phrase “you have to be the copy machine”

  • jen

    Monday… “So, Jen, if you, um, ever stop working here, do you think we’ll still be friends?”

    Tuesday… “We’ve decided to eliminate your postion. But do you want to get together for lunch next week?”

    And, no, we’re not still friends.

  • http://johnvey.com Hwang

    I had just distributed a 40-page user’s guide on a web-based application to all the project members, including my boss. The first three pages were thumbnail images (approximately 1″ x 1″) of all the screenshots and the clickpaths between them. The 37 other pages were full size screenshots referenced by the aforementioned thumbnails. When I walked into her office, my boss was using a magnifying glass on the thumbnails.

    She looked up at said, “These screenshots are hard to see.”

    I must have blinked 7 times during the 3 seconds of silence, trying to not burst into derisive laughter, before I calmly replied, “All those screenshots are much bigger if you look at the rest of the guide.”

    “Oh. Ah. Thanks.”

  • katkat

    I thankfully don’t have anything so horrible that it really stands out, but a close close friend of mine once worked for well known fast food chain way back when she was in highschool. This friend had been burned in a fire as a baby and had scars on her face and hands.

    When she realized everyone [but her] had been asked to work the cash registers she asked the manager what was going on. He replied, “Well i’m sorry, but if I put you out front where customers can see you they’ll lose their appetite and never come back.”

    Yes there was a lawsuit. And yes, the big bad world dominating corporate fast food chain lost.

  • http://carrieon.blogspot.com Carrie

    My female ex-boss was a middle-aged nympho, who would tell me things about her sex life that I really didn’t want to know. One morning, during a period of time while Ms. Piggy was having a fling with a co-worker in another department, the co-worker’s ex-wife had some business to attend to in our office. As soon as she left, my disgusting boss felt the need to share this loveliness with me: “I wonder how she would feel if she knew that her husband’s [um, liquid] was running down my legs right now.” EWWW!!

  • http://www.ncmo.net nick

    I work for a tech company, doing random things including design work. I am still in college, and I asked for a raise. Keep in mind, most of our consultants make about $75/hr billing out at around $150. I am billed out at $120/hr.

    After asking for a raise from $11/hr, my boss tells me that “the experience is worth at least $60 an hour.” and “you’re already making too much.”

  • http://coconnell.blogspot.com Casey

    Old boss: I’d really like to rub motor oil on womens’ genetalia. (And he was from Utah. You know what I’m saying?)

    Current boss: You need to stop hiring women because you all can’t lift heavy things.

  • http://webpages.acs.ttu.edu/ammayer/index.html Amanda

    I over-hear my boss’s wife say into the telephone, “Yes, is this Rick Perry’s office? Well, I would just like to say that I am for prayer-in-school.” When she hung up I asked her what she thought about all the non-religious, Jewish, Muslim, etc. kids in school that may not agree with the common school prayer they would be subjected to. She said, “Well, I don’t care about all that. All I know is I’m a pro-Christian Texan.”

    This is the same place where I hand-washed everybody’s coffee cups and was forced to wear heels with my jeans on Fridays.

  • Laurabelle

    I was working at a restaurant in college – the owner was a sleazy, middle-eastern womanizer type. No respect for women at all – he was always trying to get the waitresses to come back to his trailer to watch movies. Creepy. Anyway, one night, he asked why my tips weren’t better, considering my “big, American breasts.” No kidding. Ick. To this day, I can’t eat baklava without thinking about it.

  • http://www.paulgutman.net Paul Gutman

    My boss, post-my-resignation sent me an instant message saying he needed to talk to me and was out of the office, could I just dial this number. It was the New York City Rejection Line.

  • Beth

    I worked for this husband/wife team. She says to a few of us, “Hubby walked past me the other day and said ‘You’ve got a pretty back.’” She then proceeded to tell us that when she thanked him he said, “That’s okay – it gives me something nice to look at when I’m SHAGGING YOU FROM BEHIND.” Feh – just the thought – *shudder*!

  • http://www.samsarra.net samsarra

    (after working for 30 hours straight, a week after giving two week’s notice.)

    Boss: Where are you going?

    Me: Home, to sleep.

    Boss: You can’t leave! Company meeting is in an hour, and it’s against company policy to miss it!

    I don’t think I even laughed at him as I walked away.

  • http://www.mockorange.org avery

    “isn’t that funny – at 18 my daughter is working for the next mayor and YOU worked at a hardware store” – said my rich, blue-blooded, boss of her flagrant nepotism. my response: “well, i had to support myself and my mommy and daddy didn’t know any mayors.”

  • http://www.brochspot.com/new Broch

    “I know that your starting pay may SEEM low, but do know that employees that stick it out with the company will be richly rewarded.” WTF???? Don’t EVER believe this lie!

  • http://www.johnandbreanna.com Mookie

    I have a nice boss. She’s never said anything off the hook at all.

    But at my first job, I had one man tell me how nice I looked on my knees while I was attaching wires to the back of my computer. He asked me if I would do that to his computer which was located under his desk as well (he had to point that out!). This was of the days before “sexual harrassment”. And to think I could have been a millionaire!

  • Beaniesue

    I asked a supervisor a question and his answer was not clear. When I told him I didn’t understand he replied “You do not have to understand you just have to obey my directives.”

  • B=PR

    “You know, you definitely seem the type of girl who prefers raw oysters. Are you that type of girl? Maybe you could join my girlfriend and I for raw oysters on Saturday night around 11pm?”

    He quit/was fired the next week.

  • http://www.leduse.blogspot.com leduse

    far too many to choose JUST ONE. but i’ll give it a college try.

    me: rocking out to some led zeppelin during the dinner shift at my bar.

    him: bopping around like molly ringwald in the breakfast club dance montage. “i love ‘chicago’. they kick, like, so much ass”.

    me: pondering homicide.

  • Jen

    The day after Memorial Day, I was called into the conference room by my boss, (and owner of the company), to meet with her and our office psychologist. The psychologist is a nice gentleman who was paid a lot of money to tell us which Meyers-Briggs personality type we were (I’m an INTP) and how we could communicate more effectively with one another. The meeting began amicably enough, but rapidly turned into “we just can’t communicate with you, Jennifer.” “You’re an INTP and I’m an ENFJ!” Needless to say, I was politely “laid off,” although it was offered to me that I could continue to work there for the next three weeks, (full time, of course), and have free access to the office psycholigist while I looked for a job. The above offer would be mine, all mine, just so long as I didn’t file for unemployment after the three weeks was up as the company just couldn’t afford it. I should say this course of events was the best thing that ever happened to me, my career and my personal well-being.

  • http://honeybeemanor.com Kitsune

    My best friend Kameron and I decided to take a job as waitresses at a high-class country club a couple summers ago.
    One Friday, the club’s manager asked me what I was doing the next weekend.
    “Probably just hanging out with Kameron,” I answered.
    I am not exaggerating or paraphrasing his reply at all.
    “What I wouldn’t give for a night alone with her…Here’s a little advice: get her in the jacuzzi with a bottle of champagne and strawberries, and she’ll be putty in your hands.”

    We are both heterosexual, and were in fact dating other male members of the wait staff.

    He was fired shortly after for sexual harassment, again, surprisingly unrelated to this incident.
    He now works as a bus boy at a spagetti restaurant.

  • Julia

    I was articling at a two-man law firm. They acquired a client who wanted to sue a horse-back riding place because she fell off a horse there. Since I had told them I used to ride, the litigator left a note on my desk saying: “Please go out to Such-and-Such riding establishment and ride a horse for an hour. Report back on signage and conditions.” The other lawyer came along when I wasn’t there and saw that note, so he added his own note: “Please take my dog to obedience school.” But at least he was kidding.

  • liza

    The secretary of my boss asked me to go for a drink at the bar across the street. although being totally out of the ordinary, i went. we were awkwardly shooting the shit when by boss showed up, bought us a round, then left. Instantly the secretary turned to me and asked, “do you find peter attractive? and would you be interested in doing a threesome with me and him?” cracking up i hauled ass out of the bar back to the office to grab my stuff only to see the office had been cleared of people and peter was sitting at my desk with his tie loosened and shirt untucked. now that’s confidence! i got payed a good penny to keep my cool and laughed all the way to the bank. :-)

  • http://www.livejournal.com/users/geekymommy/ GeekyMommy

    I used to work for an inane, pretty and very lazy attorney at a mid-sized Chicago law firm. She used to think nothing of calling myself or the other paralegal I shared an office with from her own office, TWO DOORS DOWN THE HALL, to ask us really hard questions like, “Do you have a calculator? Good, ok – take $85,000. What’s 10% of that?”

    We now call being asked to perform a really stupid task “Being Debbed.”

  • http://www.geocities.com/tabbie_faerie Tabbie

    Once my manager walked up behind me at the hostess stand, just stared at me a sec and said “I’m a very well respected man in Peru”
    We also used headphones and one night all the managers had them on and started asking what everyone’s favorite 80′s movie/teen horror flick/ etc was. This was after we’d been told by the trainer not to play around on the headsets.

  • Allison

    Me: So, should I go ahead and make my travel arrangements for the meeting? (I had been out for 3 weeks on short-term disability with pneumonia)

    Boss: No, I want to send someone to the meeting who won’t get sick.

    Me: Dumbstruck horror at how amazingly STUPID a ‘trained’ manager could be and quickly walking to the HR department.

  • http://jenifer.typepad.com Jenifer

    I was feeling under the weather because of recent events in my life and didn’t feel my usual “perky” self (not that anyone noticed this except him.) My boss enters my office, closes the door and yells:
    “You’re not ALLOWED to have emotions. You are the Office Administrator. If you come in under the weather, all of the employees will follow your lead and do a half-assed job, too. Snap out of it, or don’t come to work.” What a dick.

  • http://www.jenniferszabo.com/surface/blog Jennifer

    My work place was pretty casual so I didn’t see a problem getting my tongue pierced. When my boss saw it, he said, “You know, I’ve been given blow jobs by girls with their tongues pierced and without and I’ve found that its more about technique than the piercing.” I said that was none of his business and ended the conversation right there.

  • http://croila.typepad.com croila

    “Me: “Thank you for calling, goodbye” (replaces phone receiver)
    Boss: I need to speak to you. About your accent. On the phone. You need to modify it.”

    First job, on the phone to customers.
    Place: Edinburgh.
    Boss: Edinburgh native. Posh Edinburgh accent.
    Me: Scottish Highlands native. “Normal” regional accent.
    His problem: didn’t like regional accents, even though I neved used dialectal words on the phone and was perfectly intelligible.
    My problem: He was a complete and utter dickhead!
    His problem: He didn’t realise that surveys have been done in the UK and it’s PROVEN that people like hearing Scottish accents on the phone!

  • Tony

    Not exactly a boss, but a person responsible for business developement for a former web-firm I worked at once asked us in production “What is HTML and why do our client’s need it?”

    The firm is breathing it’s death rattle – draw your own conclusions as to why…

  • C. Austin

    My boss gave me a pair of black thong underwear for Christmas at our annual party…when I opened them (in front of everyone) she said, “I thought your husband would like you prancing around in those instead of the grannie panties I know you wear.” WHAT?!?!

  • http://www.penswords.com brent

    her: Why would I EVER use the Internet at home???
    me (laughing): Luddite.
    her: What’s that??? What does that mean?
    (I explain)
    her, two weeks later, after getting broadband, to a coworker on dial-up: Oh, that’s right. You’re just on dial-up. Luddite.

    or last Friday in during my presentation…
    her: You need to take out that last part because of yak yak yak (for a minute)
    me: Okay.
    her: No, you need to take it out because yak yak yak…
    me: okay.
    Her: Because if it’s in there yak yak yak…
    Me: Okay. I get it.
    her (very pissed): NO!!! You don’t get it! Otherwise you wouldn’t be arguing with me for the last five minutes!!!

    (sadly, I could go on ad nauseam)

    I’ve also had to take down my blog for writing about work :(

  • teresa

    “my newborn son would love you because you have big boobs”

  • bigbigtruck

    “I said make the design ORNATE, not shitty.”

  • http://www.geekbride.com geekbride

    Upon finding out that a coworker and I were dating, my boss (male) asked: “So what’s the sex like? He looks capable for lots of fun!”
    My response: “Uh….”

  • Michael

    My brother, while, living in our house in Colorado for a short while after College, took an entry-level tele-sales job at one of the satellite TV companies based here. Here’s one of the sales lines they practiced, to be used when talking to women who say they’d like to talk with their husbands first before purchasing: “So, do you let your husband make ALL the decisions in your home.” They even specifically practiced saying it as condescendingly as possible to get a “better close rate.” No kidding. He quit shortly thereafter.

  • jessica

    not so much said, as did. i was working your typical teenager job: little caesars pizza! pizza! there i was, putting the little pepperoni’s on the pizza for the customer. my boss liked working the “pizza dress” station (where i was working) and wanted to do that instead of whatever other pizza related job he was currently doing. how did i know he wanted my job, pizza dress station? because he physically picked me up and placed me in the pizza packaging section and proceeded to dress pizzas with pepperoni and the like. aahh. good times.

  • http://www.urban-classic.com Leigh

    Different jobs, but all equally amusing/disturbing:

    Boss: “You could be my last fling.”

    Voicemail from boss at 5am: [frantically] “Can you come in today [Sunday]? The entire scheduled team has called in or quit. I know you’re listed as being on vacation, but could you come in anyway? I mean, you’re already getting paid so what’s the difference?”

    Letter from management: “In lieu of Christmas bonuses this year, management has assembled ‘care packages’ for all of our employees. Enjoy, and have a safe holiday!”
    Attached was a ‘winter survival kit’ that included two sticks of gum, a tic tac, a match, three marshmallows and a Christmas poem that somehow related all the aforementioned items. We should have pooled our matches and set the building on fire.

    After (incorrectly) hearing I was dating one of the male waiters:
    Boss: “So… I heard he has a long penis. How long is long… ”
    Me: o_O
    Boss: “Just a ballpark figure…”
    I quit when he started developing the habit of brushing/touching my ass every time he walked by.

    Bosses are grand.

  • Andrea

    I told him, “I think I may want to go to law school one day.”

    He told me, “You don’t want to do that, law school is for assholes.”

    I am now enjoying law school, and there are a lot fewer assholes here than at my old job.

  • Soozie

    I’ve had one at almost every job.

    #1) While in college = I worked at a pizza place. After work one time, I changed into shorts before leaving and my boss said (in front of customers and other employees), “I had NO idea you had such nice legs under those khaki pants!”

    #2) First job out of college = worked for an older man who said to me in my interview “I don’t think a college degree makes anyone smarter than anyone else”. Obviously he didn’t have a college degree…which is fine but then when asked by my soon to be new employer about my work, all he could come up with was that I looked really good in skirts. Glad I went to college for that!

    #3) Job after the one above = in my interview, my soon to be manager asked me if I planned on getting married and pregnant any time soon. Um, no ma’am.

    #4) Last job before the one I currently have = While working for a very upscale Investment Bank in the city, my boss (an older, been in the business at least 50 years, man) said that he thought all women should be required to have a body like mine if they’re going to be in the workforce. This was said out loud in front of the entire Operations dept….all men.

    These were all one time statements that I basically blew off as bad judgment on their part.

  • http://iLLa.typepad.com iLLa

    “if you’re going to do any drugs, please do them outside.”

    (and)

    “don’t play nickelback ever again; you’ll be fired. that’s called breaking format.” and when i protested that it was on the playlist…he screamed, “there are such a thing as paper spins!!”

  • Hanna

    I was refilling the office fridge with bottles of free juice for emloyees, and as I am walking down the hall with 8 bottles in my arms, the boss yells from the other end of the hall: “Hi Hanna, nice jugs!!”

  • http://www.dork-girl.com Fu

    “Have you ever grabbed __’s ass, just to see what it feels like?” o.o;

  • http://raptor.slc.edu/~kindle kindle

    I was filling out an appliation for a chiropractor’s office. The doctor was covering the main desk since his one and only receptionist had left, and he started chatting with a patient.

    “So you’re doing some hiring, eh?” says the innocent patient.

    “Yeah, we’ve got to get a new Girl in here.” (The G was totally capitalized)

    He called me a few times wanting to schedule an interview and I never returned his messages.

  • http://www.antisocialdiva.com antisocial diva

    “you can do that over the weekend, right?”

    hey, lady, my weekend is MINE.

    ———————

    and when this guy was standing in for our principal (he was doing his internship) he tried to tell me HOW to discpline students. these kids were alternative school kids who had been kicked out of the regular high school program, were on probation, on their second or third kid, or who never came to school because they were too busy getting high and arrested. he wanted me to put their name on the board and put a check next to it each time they did something wrong. yeah, okay, THAT would work.

  • emily

    “Can I hold your hand? It makes me happy to be close to you. Would you mind if I kissed you?”

    This from a boss twice my age and married – with kids MY age. The only thing to give him credit for is that he waited until one week after my 18th birthday to say these things.

  • http://mysite.verizon.net/vze6qnbl/ kimmellee

    Upon hearing that I was pregnant at 19 I was told by my female manager:

    “If you were my daughter you never would have had sex in the first place”

    Shortly thereafter I found a note asking my coworkers if there was anything they found wrong with my performance because she would like to get rid of me.

    I left and never went back, which is too bad because I probably could have had a great discrimination case against her.

  • http://burnmedeeper.diaryland.com Kasey

    this happened to a girl i work with, we work in a hospital…

    her: “I can’t come in today, I have pinkeye.”
    supervisor: “Well you can work with pinkeye, I have before.”

    Needless to say she came in and Employee Health made her leave.

    Also my asshole co-worker who liked to take his scheduled work days off decided he wasn’t coming in one day and informed our supervisor of that. She asked me if I would come in that day for him and I just happened to be off and just happened to be buying a car that day so I said “No I’m sorry I’m buying a car that day and I have other stuff to do.”

    Well the idiot keeps files on all of us (diaries i like to call them) and leaves the cabinet open, my co-worker who I wouldn’t come in for was reading my folder and told the other girl that I had been written up for not coming in for him, which he thought was hilarious. So the next day I looked and sure enough she had written down “I asked Kasey to come in and she said no but she didn’t really give a good answer.” No shit. As if the fact that I was off and buying a car wasn’t a good enough reason. I did buy the car and I actually asked her if she wanted to see my new car.