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Thinking

Thank GOD the Red Sox won! This means that I should be able to poop for the next 86 years STRAIGHT.

If you’re looking for Chuck’s adoption story, here it is

Did I ever tell you about that one time someone stole my dog? Yeah, her name was Bootsie, and she was a five-month-old terrier mix that we met at the Burbank Humane Society, and I loved her and she loved me. Her whole body was black except for her feet; they were white. That’s why [...]

How to Annoy Me

Spend all that money remodeling your house, and then stick the air conditioning unit RIGHT IN FRONT, like a booger or a scab that begs to be flicked.

When the Discovery Channel meets real life

The Republican National Committee is sponsoring a series of ads in Utah that feature God’s voice condemning a candidate for governor for being a Democrat. God quotes the candidate in his booming, omniscient voice, “I am what I am, A DEMOCRAT.” And you can hear the thundering sound of windows being boarded up all over [...]

When I say Jesus, you say Jesus, say Jesus. JESUS!

I just had an acid flashback to Vacation Bible School. Forgive me, Jesus.

Email: Can’t we just leave my hair out of this?

Last week I got this email from a woman who I definitely DO NOT want to party with. It was an email full of exclamation points, you know the kind, and she called me an uneducated idiot because I am not going to vote for Bush on election day. I was going to reprint the [...]

Thinking

I attained geek nirvana recently when someone pointed out that this website is mentioned in the Jargon Watch section of November’s issue of Wired. And just when I thought things couldn’t get more exciting around here, I saw yesterday that Google is serving up ads for the FLOWBEE on this site. If that isn’t a [...]

When the Earth spins off its axis, you can safely blame me

“Jon, I have something to confess.” “Okay. What’s up?” “I’m so ashamed.” “It’s okay. What happened?” “You know the Interpol CD we’ve been listneing to in the car?” “Yes.” “Oh, God. I’m so sorry.” “What? What happened?” “Well, I guess that when I burned the CD the songs were sorted by something other than track [...]

How to Annoy Me

Pronounce Walmart like WOOL MORT. Have you no soul?

Jon won’t let me plant these in our yard so I’m left to taking longing pictures of them

He says they’re too prickly. Whatever.