• Megan

    Dude, come on…you’re legs are ridiculous. You’re so cute with your perfect baby and your perfect truck and the perfect fall leaves your perfect LONG SKINNY LEGS that I want to barf. I’ll still come back EVERYDAY…cause I like the torture. But I have to say…you’re ridiculous.

  • http://symbioticfishes.blogspot.com Fish

    Beth: While your at it, bring the word “varmint” to the English too, because “Ornery Varmint” is like tea and biscuits.

  • dooce obsessed

    what happened to your hair?

    (i’m kidding!!… ok. not funny…)

  • Firehog

    The dreaded weevil…Its a bug common in most grain,oatmeal,cornmeal,flour.My mother kept these things in the fridge to keep the weevil from hatching…a little extra crunch in the biscuit.During tour in Nam they were the little brown spots in the bread,we just pretended it was whole grain bread.
    Really enjoy this site.

  • Leon

    I guess goose stepping vengeful moms are more adept at keeping the socks on their kid’s feet.

    You now have photographic proof that you are a good mother.

  • http://hairburner.diaryland.com Wendy

    Hello lady with the longest legs EVER. Of course you MUST park in front of the house that illegally says “no parking here”. The guy who owns the huge apartment building acoss the street tried that crap and all of the people in my building fought each other to park there even though we have our own spaces. This is LA, where you can find free and available parking exactly nowhere.

    I loved the Tupperware entry. The only “T” party I’ve ever been to was hosted by Phranc the All American Jewish Lesbian Folk Singer. If you want to have a Tupperware party SHE is the host to have. I would love to see her host a party in Utah. The photos alone would be priceless.

  • http://www.bluire.com laura

    Those neighbours sound certifiably insane. “we have to leave our blinds open because the cats like to look out the windows?”

    aren’t streets public? i think you are allowed to park anywhere you like if there aren’t corporation or county council restrictions. by corporation i mean city councils.

    that’s the way it works in ireland anyway.

    how do they know the cats like to and need to look out the windows? do they talk to the cats? further proof that those neighbours are certifiably insane.

    your friend Beth should ignore them. Or wrap her arms around her head and shout “i can’t hear you I can’t hear you” when they are talking to her and spouting such nonsense.

    poor Beth. The dancing was a good idea!

    (Beth doesn’t allow comments from what i could see)

  • chloechasesmom

    My hair fell out like that. I saw that picture and knew right away what it was. My best friend had a neighbor like that, she moved.

    I also just had a Tupperware Party (I am a dork) but it was a taste of tupperware party. You get to make snacks at those.

  • Amanda B.

    Speaking of scary crazy folks…

    I was getting a haircut yesterday at my usual dive when the “beauty shop gossip” hit a new and wholly offensive low.

    The gals in the salon were talking smack, as per usual, about some poor woman having a nanny to help her with her children. So I said, “That Whore!” hoping to lighten the mood a bit.

    One of the women nodded at me and said, and I quote, “Well, you know…she is Asian.”

    Only she was serious. And now my, little present to me- 30 dollar hair cut is tainted with crazy mean poopy talk. Sigh.

    P.S. Dooce you are so purty. And quazi-evil to boot!

  • http://www.xanga.com/heathabee heathabee

    Leta looks like she’s just ROARING with laughter! What a cute picture of you too.. and the fact that it’s based entirely on pissing someone else off… brilliant. :)

    Keep it up! I love driving crazy neighbours crazier! We had a neighbour once who would come out after we shovelled our driveway and literally dig her basement windows and that meter thing out of the snow… she was a crotchety old bitch, so it was funny seeing her dig through 5 foot snow! **evil laugh**

  • http://nowhere.com moose

    http://www.orneryboy.com
    entry #133
    … it’s all fitting together… somehow.

    for the word freaks:
    http://www.randomhouse.com/wotd/index.pperl?date=20000927

  • http://www.quercusalba.blogspot.com anne

    Frito feet! I love it. So true. Of course, I’m referring to your post, not this picture.

    Ahem.

  • http://www.dooce.com/archives/daily_photo/11_18_2004.html skinnyfatgirl

    I can’t get over all these skinny comments. Sweet Christ in a bucket. I’ve seen photos of myself where I look about all of 80 lbs. and some where I have four chins. It’s all in the angle.

  • Stacy

    In defense of the “my cats like to look out the windows” thing, you can always tell when a person has cats because there blinds are pulled up a foot or so from the bottom. If mine are closed all the way, my cat will tear the shit out of them. I think that pretty much normal. Cats have a very distinct way of voicing displeasure.

  • Stacy

    And another thing, am I gross because I went to the vending machine to get fritos because of all the frito comments? It sparked a craving.

  • tracy

    Okay, I have to admit I think it’s thoughtless to park in front of someone else’s house when you don’t have to. But clearly, annoying the psycho neighbors is a case where one has to. I mean, Beth should close her blinds because the crazy neighbors need privacy? WTF?

  • Smiling!

    You have such a pretty smile, Heather!

  • the niffer

    Fish: I always thought it was Varmit. What is a varmit/varmint anyway? I mean, I know the word, but it is a real critter or just a way to describe a critter?

  • http://nowhere.com moose
  • Toni

    “Ohhhhhhh! We’re off to see the Wizard. The wonderful Wizard of Oz. because, because, BECAUSE…BECAUSE OF THE WONDERFUL THINGS HE DOES.
    dee-dee-dee-di-dee.”

  • the niffer

    Thanks Moose! I can think of lots of annoying critters – most of them human.

  • CDNRXBY

    VIVE LA RESISTANCE! :-D

    J In TO

  • http://jelene.modblog.com jelene

    it’s just like those people that put up those signs in their yard for dogs, “don’t poop here” “poop free zone” “if your dog poops please scoop” “dead dogs don’t poop” .. but the thing is, i’ve noticed that those people get MORE poop than other people do.

    love your shoes!

  • http://jelene.modblog.com jelene

    … it also looks like you are going to say “OF FRANCE!” while doing the jig.

  • ella’s ma

    I hope you accompanied your little dance with a charming rendition of the Sex Pistols “Anarchy in the UK”. I know it’s not the UK, but a fitting ditty nonetheless.

  • http://www.post-coitalbabble.blogspot.com/ susan

    Um, Heather? Girl, we need to talk about the hair. What have you done? I think it’s time for a new Year in the Life of Heather’s Hair photo series. Because if I’m not mistaken, you’re sporting a mohawk. And still you look like a million bucks. Go figure. :o )

  • http://www.supersonicjane.com jane

    I just tried doing Hava Nagila with my chihuahua on my lap, and I am sorry to report he did not seem to enjoy it as much as Leta did!

  • http://chloeishere.diaryland.com Chloe

    Holy fucking shit you are TALL! I have to agree– I do see a Uma Thurman-ness to you in this picture.
    Also, please tell me he (Dave) still has the half-acid-wash-half-cow-print shorts. So that you may post a picture of them on the internet. PLEASE? All this build up about those ridiculous shorts, and if they are anything like the picture I have in my head, well, they deserve to have a whole site devoted just to them.
    Also, fifty-thirding the love for your shoes. Me wantee! Me wantee!
    Your hair falls out when you’re pregnant? Hot boiling diarrhea!

  • http://symbioticfishes.blogspot.com Fish

    Stacy: You’re not gross, but you may be pregnant.

  • Reiko

    I’ve always had thinnish hair, but when I was pregnant, it got thicker and way fuller. Each strand was actually thicker and it seemed like my hair multiplied by like 5 times. And it got wavy!

    Then a bunch of my hair fell out around my hairline while I was nursing (in the front and the back)…but it all grew back after about 3 months after I stopped nursing.

    After 2 kids, my hair is a completely different color, thickness and texture than what I had for the years before. Wild.

  • http://nowhere.com moose

    Chloe, your hair doesn’t fall out when you’re pregnant, it falls out AFTER you are pregnant because, due to hormones, it doesn’t fall out at all WHILE you are pregnant… so you get luxuriantly thick hair while pregnant, then you give birth, the hormones shift, and all hell breaks loose. Really, all hair breaks loose. It all falls out rapidly and you’re left feeling bald (note that I said *feeling* bald — it’s not really that bad) for a while til everything grows back normally. My sympathies, Dooce. Been there. Doesn’t last forever.

  • http://nowhere.com moose
  • http://deux.diary-x.com Diana

    Wow, woman, you got crazy-long legs!

  • TexChic

    You know, Tupperware won’t keep out weevils if their eggs are already in the flour/rice/etc. when you place it in the container and seal it up. Unbeknownst to most, this is usually how weevils appear. There aren’t many weevils crawling around the neighborhood looking for boxes or bags to infest. Frankly, we just usually use the staple before the eggs hatch… just a little extra protein…

  • Tree

    Heather B. Armstrong…you fucking rock!

  • little bird

    Looks more like the Oompa-Loompa
    Dance!

    Nonetheless…carry on!

  • http://occupant.org/anna anna

    We call ‘em meal moths, but it sounds like the same thing. There’s not really any way to avoid bringing the eggs home in your dry goods, but you can prevent them from hatching by freezing your grain for a few hours, then storing it in an air-tight (weevil-tight) container. Then any existing eggs are killed, and new moths that may turn up can’t get in.

    Fascinating, no? I’ll try to be more entertaining next time.

  • rabooka

    I have a neighbor who also does not want anyone to park their car infront of her house. She doesn’t put up any signs. She just runs out of her house when you pull up and tells you to move your car. That’s right she tells you , not asks. One time she called my landlord’s girlfriend a skinny bitch because she wouldn’t move her car. What a BIATCH!

  • http://randomandodd.blogspot.com Kristine

    Why isn’t there a ‘Dooce’ Fan club mailing list?
    There could be a ‘newcommer’ post we send out that tells people why why Chuck is into politics, who is George and why would anyone marry someone that wore acid washed underwear. These are things I’ve always wanted to know.
    I would love to talk to other ‘Dooce’ fans.
    by the way…where would you find acid washed underwear? Do they have them in a thong?

  • http://www.vaguelyspecific.com faith

    ……am I first?

  • Melle

    You are just way too cool. haha. I would have done the same just to get them mad. ha!

  • http://www.worldofdoink.blogspot.com/ Hanna

    Ok, has anyone mentioned the shoes/boots? love ‘em!

  • Sheryl

    I was just in a meeting where we were going to look at PowerPoint templates (!) of our company intranet over webex but the webex session wasn’t connecting … so we just sat on our sphincters and chatted about parking and crazy neighbors and Road Rage, which is a serious problem where I live and work (Boston).

    In the picture, I see your silver SUV and on the other side of the road, part of a big-ass white sedan. OK, being that all things are relative, and that compared to Boston, the width of this residential street is like a 5 LANE HIGHWAY, this makes Beth’s neighbors just that little bit more P.S.Y.C.H.O. Look at all that roooooom they have! I grew up on the west coast and moved to NY in 91 and then to Boston in 97. When I visited SLC and Provo a few years back, I had never seen streets so wide (nor had I ever seen a corporate lobby where the walls were covered with 8×10 glossies of every employee and every family member of every employee). Mr. Young had designated a numbering and block-size system for the streets that was so perfect and orderly that you could give directions to people, estimate their mileage, know if the destination would face southeast – for places you have never even been, just by looking at the address!

    Boston, on the other hand grew out of tiny villages by the sea and the streets were built around each village in a series of concentric circles. The number of villages has and now the streets are a tangled mess resembling the mass that is my blackberry, cell, PDA and laptop cables. Never mind that there aren’t any street signs or numbers on buildings. Brigham Young! Man with a City Plan.

  • http://shiz.typepad.com/ Shiz

    Crazy neighbors. I’m glad you parked there. Until they retaliate.

    Maybe they’re praying for your soul.

  • http://www.ximena.blog-city.com Super Turtle Girl

    Hmmmmm. I’m pretty sure that the best way to fight ornery is with ornery in all cases. Isn’t that how that whole middle east thing got so bad? (Well, OK, it’s a little more complex but the ornery are my likely to kill the other ornery. Unless the other ornery kill them first.)
    —————
    COLLEEN: I *love* that definition of insanity. The gossip’s definition of insanity. The more interesting you are, the more insane you are. Man, that’s America for ya.

  • Kelly

    You are the perfect mother.

  • http://users.110.net/~brucesiart/watt/index.htm Bruce

    I would park there & walk home EVERY GOD-DAMNED DAY.

  • http://humanwrites.blogspot.com Human Writes

    The great thing about mixing stool softeners with antidepressants is that you take shits that are surprisingly well-adjusted and generally OK with life even though they are about to be flushed into oblivion.

  • http://bethology.blogspot.com Beth

    Helen – You’re on! And soon we shall take ORNERY to France!!!!

    Fish – AHH! Varmint! Another great word.

    Most of all, thanks to you Dooce, for helping me to hold on to my good old Southern vernacular. I still make sure I say ‘painthers’ and ‘warsh’ as well. :)

  • TheGoat

    Am I the last post for the day?