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Daydreaming of palm trees | dooce® dooce® » I'm Heather B. Armstrong. This is my website. » Daydreaming of palm trees
  • dre

    Would have paid money to witness that crazy scene – LOL! :)

  • http://www.postednote.com Eddo Of Posted Note

    That was hilarious. Some people could tell that exact same story and it wouldn’t even be funny, instead it would be a long-winded account of how they were freezing and running around and clogs and how their body parts were cold. This was creative writing at it’s best and that is why we love you Dooce… you are crazy messed up insane, pretty, and an Effing Genius.

  • http://sistersofadifferentorder.blogspot.com Sister Sassy

    At least she didn’t lick your mouth! Yikes!! Why do dogs do that?

  • Valeria

    There are some commercial additives that you can add to food (Forbid) that deals with coprophagia (which is very normal in puppies and instinct-based to boot). I’ve seen people add a spoon or two of pumpkin puree to kibble successfully. Also make sure whatever dog food she is on is low in grains and carbs as those may be passing through only partially digested and hence appealing.

  • Billie Keaton

    I’m with Amy! If I ever am lucky enough to get invited to your house for dinner, I am arriving early…just in case….maybe I’ll see something like Heather’s naughty bits or screaming 3 year olds with their Star Bits falling out of their hands and poopy dogs. Now THAT’S a dinner!

    LOVE your site!!

    Billie

  • Sue

    Our dog also went through a stage of Coprophagia. We used DETER tablets which have cayenne pepper in them. It only took him one taste of his personal “red hots” brand to realize that they had a bite. Watching him chow down his poo – disgusting. Watching him spit out atomic poo – priceless.

  • Jenni has her head in the clouds

    I kept waiting for the early dinner guests too.

    Yes, I want you to be tortured more for my entertainment please ;)

  • http://www.jillmormon.com Jill

    Eh, as my DH would say, panties are overrated anyway.

  • http://sistersofadifferentorder.blogspot.com/ Sister Honey Bunch

    I’m sorry but that whole chaotic episode would have required me to take another shower. And drink a bottle of wine. And then go to bed.

  • Katie

    Ah, dog drama.

    We adopted a great dane who never learned that in spite of her size she is not the Alpha dog. When we first got her, when outside with her on the leash, she would randomly decided it was time to lay in the sun and plunk down whenever she felt like it. And if a 140-pound dog doesn’t want to get up, well…I should have just attached a book to the leash for these cases.

    This would be AFTER I convinced her that it would be a good idea to go outside and empty her bladder since it had been hours and hours overnight. Unlike every other dog I’ve ever heard of, the happy voice wouldn’t get her up off her bed to go out. You could dance around like a drunken cheerleader and she wouldn’t bat an eyelash. And again, if an 140-pound dog doesn’t want to get up…

    Though I appreciate your flashing and freezing and clogging story, I envy your dog’s portability (though now that I think about it, portable dogs are more agile and you have to catch them first…hmmmm…..

  • http://elizabethandchad.blogspot.com Elizabeth

    freakin hilarious! if someone did not laugh at that, they must not be human! I think we have all had moments like that in life… “universe, please let me get decent before you attack me!”

    oh, also please bring back the segment where you make fun of hate mail… thats when i fell in love with dooce!

    thanks,
    Elizabeth

  • http://minx.tumblr.com minxlj

    LOL…choking on my coffee laughing at this. The mental pictures are just too funny – you do tell an excellent story Heather, you must be a hoot at parties :-)

    It’s nice to know that someone else has had to run outside in the almost nude to catch a wayward pet. Several times I’ve had to sneak out in the garden at night (thankfully) dressed in only my slippers to catch my damn cat torturing some poor mouse. Even more thankfully, mine and the neighbours gardens are very, very dark in the winter. I don’t want to give my elderly neighbour a heart attack :-D

  • Tiff

    Oh the star bits. They ARE so very important! How is Mario ever going to save the galaxy if he can’t feed the star people their bits?!

    I hope you don’t get sick again or get pink eye for that matter!

  • http://gettysburgfamily.blogspot.com GettysburgMom

    Is your life really full and well lived if you haven’t flashed a bunch of squirrels?

  • http://thelongway-ladysilk.blogspot.com Amy S

    Your writing is genius, your life is priceless. Thank you for what you do and the way you do it.

  • http://www.crazybananas.com Megan

    After a night full of a puking toddler, this made me laugh so hard I almost lost my own cookies. Thanks for the smiles. And I hear you on the star bits. They are very important to guys.

  • Melissa

    My dog used to eat poop, especially kitty turds, when she was a puppy, and probably still would if I didn’t have the litter box stashed on a table that she can’t reach. Supposedly, when dogs eat crap, it’s because they’re not getting enough nutrients, which easily happens when the dog is a puppy who is doubling in size every other day. If you’re worried about the habit continuing, try either feeding her more or switching foods. Or just make her so scared of her own poop that the moment it leaves her butt she tries to flee from it as fast as possible as if it might rear up and eat HER!

  • http://www.sunshinedaily4me.blogspot.com dana

    Well, all I can say is I hope Jon got his stars back!! God Forbid he not!!!!

    You do have quite a knack for story telling. I am rolling!!!!! And it is hard to be mad at something as cute as Coco…however, given the poop eating and the running, I think I’d be a tad bit frustrated myself!

    Pretty danged funny..hope your day got better.

  • http://www.meet-the-bautistas.com Denise

    I used to have a dog that like to eat the poop out of the cat box. We called it Almond Roca. Mmmmm.

  • http://sayvandalay.livejournal.com/ Adrienne

    This entry is sooooooo great! I just had surgery and laughing is still painful, so I’m sitting here holding my stomach doing a modified crack-up. Very well-written!

  • http://heelprintsinthesand.com Jennine

    One should never, ever mock the star bit acquisition. Jon was so totally feeling glitter surge through his veins.

  • http://www.thedomesticgoddess.wordpress.com Domestic Goddess

    Ew.
    I don’t miss the puppy days. No sir, I don’t. That poop eating thing just sucks.
    Ahhh…Utah. The in-laws are moving back there. They lived there for 7 years, thought they got away but the strong arm of SLC lured them back. Sigh. At least I get to ski Utah again.

  • http://kellyjeanwilliams.com Kelly

    I sure hope you have a privacy fence!

    Sadly, I too was awaiting the early arrival of your dinner guests. We all watch too much TV.

  • Nettie

    I love reading your posts! I have a 6lb poop eater and I live in the northern tundra. I was busting a gut at the thought of you running around that back yard. Too funny.

  • http://www.sorry-were-open.blogspot.com Chris

    Crap eating dogs in Southern California are just as frustrating but you can get a tan while flashing your bits about.

  • http://kellyt.vox.com KellyT

    Thank you for summing up my life so succinctly in one little sentence.

  • http://www.ninjanun.blogspot.com ninjanun

    Best Poop-eating Doggie/Naked-Woman-in-the-Snow Chase Scene Description EVER.

  • http://www.alynn.vox.com Alynn

    Didn’t you know? you’ve never lived until you’ve chased a critter through the snow while naked.
    Puppies and children..two things guaranteed to make you lose all composure..

  • Debi

    Amen sister.

  • http://www.hillbillyplease.com/blog/ jane

    I pronounce “concrete” this way: “ceeeement.” As in, “Yes, those are three ceeeement dinosaurs you see in my living room. What of it?”

  • http://nonwhorganic.blogspot.com The Green Panther

    Are you a clog-hater?? Or just hate the word?

    I have conflicting and extremely shallow feelings about clogs, so this blog alone may make or break me on the issue.

    Pronouncing “clog” makes my tongue roll up. And gives me visions of hairballs in sinks.

  • http://ginrod.blogspot.com Ginrod

    Man oh man, you make an everyday evening experience delightful!!

  • http://www.perfectlyshelly.blogspot.com Shelly

    Oh, how I chuckle at the thought….and get grossed out by the poopy tongue. I know EXACTLY where you are coming from,though……….our dogs eat the remains in the cat box…YUMMM–tastes like FISH!!!….oh the HORROR. To see my sweet doggie coming at me with KITTY LITTER on his face……….I can TOTALLY relate. Although, I’d let the dog eat the doo while I got dressed, THEN brush her teeth, and not allow any doggie kisses for the night…….(BTW, we have taken our unused baby gate and blocked the kitty poo)

    My niece once ate human poo from a toilet………so, not sure which is worse…..dog eating it’s own feces, or child eating UNCLE’S? You decide.

  • Katie Kat

    You never cease to amuse me completely! God, I love the way you write!!!

    I, too, was waiting for the door to be locked AND/OR the guests to arrive early and see you cavorting half naked in the back yard with the puppy. I’d add that part in future tellings just for the hell of it! :)

    P.S. What’s with the Chinese post up yonder?????

  • http://notjustthemom.wordpress.com Autumn

    I have to agree,as mom to 3 under ten (four if you count the man sized child called “husband”), that it is too much for them to cooperate,LOL, and I sometimes wonder if I will ever be naked, semi-naked, etc., without an ever growing audience again!

  • http://frettingthesmallstuff.typepad.com andrea

    Oh that is just hysterical! I know I have been scantily clad many a time trying to wrangle a 175 pound Irish Wolfhound into the house in all sort of unfortunate weather; however, you can describe such an event like no other. So funny!

  • Lisa B

    The squirrels have written in to suggest that perhaps it’s time to leave a pair of Heather-sized shoes at the door. And a longer coat.

  • http://www.stuperb.com Stuperb

    Oh man the poopmouth is the WORST.

    Well, actually, the worst is when you don’t realize what the dog’s been up to until you SMELL IT ON HIS BREATH while he’s going in for the face lick.

    I think I just slapped myself in the face to keep from throwing up at just the memory.

  • http://stupidgrin.blogspot.com Renée

    Mmmmm….poopy breath, boobies and smelly clogs. All things that make me smile.

  • http://richardsonzoo.blogspot.com Cheryl

    This story just made my day. No, SERIOUSLY!! I’m glad that these things happend to someone besides me. Thanks for the morning laugh!

  • http://www.tungnutstudios.com Chuck

    Move to the Dirty South like we did (originally from San Jose/Bay Area – now in Mississippi). All the warmth of Californai and none of the cost. Of course you get mosquitos, humidity, southerners and whatnot but you can run around nekkid, chasing your poop-eating dog in the backyard and no one will think much beyond “what’s kinda hunting you trainin’ that puppy fer?”.

  • http://www.purelyanecdotal.com/ PA

    We have a poop eating dog. SO GROSS. A trainer has told us to feed our dogs pineapple (and even put the juice on their food). This is supposed to make the poop less “edible” to the dog. If this doesn’t work we might just break down and get one of those remote controlled citronella collars.

  • http://mskarensplace.blogspot.com Ms.Karen

    Ah, so THAT’S how I need to deal with my hotflashes. I need a puppy to chase around the yard while naked, because just running around the yard naked is simply not allowed.

    Too funny…

  • http://www.thomg.blogspot.com ThomG

    As the owner of my own shit-eating Australian shepherd cross myself, I can feel your pain. http://thomg.blogspot.com/2007/09/dog-shits-and-breath-mints.html

  • Crivens

    I agree – great chase scene. I know nothing about the star bits – I just whine if I can’t figure out all the words on TextTwist. Anything else is beyond me.

    We order a lot of our dog stuff from Doctors Foster & Smith, and they have some supplements you can feed your dog to make its poop taste gross to break the poop-eating cycle. Sadly, however, they do not have anything that stops your dog from eating and rolling in goose poop, which is our problem. Tres ick.

  • http://www.jennyshappylife.blogspot.com Jenny

    Funniest story ever told, I believe!
    And woman, you need to change the picture link title to “Daily Chuck & Coco” already and get it over with.

  • http://lindserannie.blogspot.com/ LindserAnnie

    That was delightful…as always. Thanks for sharing the craziness.

  • http://xanga.com/athousandtimesivefailed Joanna

    That…is freaking awesome. =]

  • Laura

    What a funny and wonderfully written, albeit uncomfortable story. I always love to read other people’s craziness so that I know my life is normal.

    Amazing how things can stand still with your children and husband while you are trying to solve another crisis…

  • http://scoobers1.blogspot.com Kathy

    Oh, thank you for making what happens over here seem so much funnier than it feels at the time!