That bizarre woman and her rude blog

So I thought I should start this post with an email I got this morning from a Canadian reader named Tessa. Hi, Tessa!

Subject: Your Misrepresentation of Canadians Should Be Embarrassing

You are such a wonderful, wise, witty woman. And there you go making comment after comment about how backward and maladjusted Canadians are. How we need/want to catch up to our oh-so-stellar (read: arrogant) neighbors to the south. Canadians do not talk like hics, and if we do, then we are the only ones allowed to make fun of it. Stop being so rude. It makes you look ignorant.

Canada, I just want to take this opportunity to apologize for saying that you are the nicest people I have ever met. How terribly insensitive and ignorant of me. Do I think your accent is adorable? I confess, I do. I DO! Almost as adorable as my friend Carol’s midwestern accent, almost. I tell you, you cannot die happy until you have heard Carol ask for a Bacardi and coke. There’s something about the way she chews her vowels that drives me nuts, but not bad nuts. Good nuts. It’s exactly like the feeling I get when I see a chubby, bald baby, and my insides turn flips because no matter how badly I want to, I know it would be impolite to walk up to its mother and ask her if it would be okay if I ate her baby.

You want to know what’s at the top of my list of things I want to do before I die? Burping in front of the president. Some people want to hike the Himalayas or swim the English Channel, and those are noble and worthy, and they’re on my list toward the bottom behind other important things like STICKING MY TONGUE IN CHRIS MARTIN’S EAR, but one time I was in the car with Maggie when I accidentally let out a tiny, inaudible burp. And I don’t think anything is more offensive to her than actually talking out loud about feces or maybe picking your nose and showing her the booger. Whereas in my family, sometimes we can burp an entire conversation. My brother can even burp in all caps.

She shook her head and said, listen, I know you think that’s innocuous, but you keep doing that and thinking it’s not a big deal and next thing you know you’re doing it in front of the president. That’s when I knew. I knew my life would not be complete without accomplishing such a quintessentially me thing. I’m sure that when people ask Maggie what her friend Heather is like, she goes, you know, I think I could pretty much sum up Heather by saying that she is the type of person who would take great pride in burping in front of the president. The end.

And guess who was in town last night. No, just guess. And guess who wanted to drive up to Park City where this particular someone was holding a Republican fundraiser. I’d tap a secret service agent on the shoulder and say, hey! I need a HUUUUUUGE favor, k? I need 14 seconds with the president. 14. That’s it. I know this is totally out of the ordinary, but I’m slowly dying of old age, and the number one thing I want to do before I die is burp the alphabet in front of George Bush. HOW COULD HE REFUSE ME? Don’t you think he’d be all, BRING THAT WOMAN IN! And we’d bond despite our political differences. THIS IS WHAT AMERICA IS ALL ABOUT. OH-SO-STELLAR AMERICA.

  • Brianna Flynn

    You know what I think did it re: Tessa?

    The comments concerning Tivo and Target on the Daily Photo three days ago.

    Though in no way did I get what she got out of them, I can see a very overly sensitive person getting all sand+vagina-y about them. Sigh.

  • http://suzemuse.wordpress.com Susan Murphy

    You’re right, Dooce. We are really cute. Thanks for noticing, eh?

    Oh, and we’re outstanding burpers, too.

  • http://www.my-agent.ca wineva

    Tessa seems a bit thin-skinned… most Canadians are not that sensitive, and we definitely don’t have a monopoly on making fun of ourselves although we do it better than anyone else.

    I mean we’re talking about a country where the minister for external affairs got fired for leaving classified NATO documents in his ex-girlfriend’s apartment — the same ex-girlfriend who was romantically involved with two bikers previously including a Hell’s Angel. You can’t make this stuff up.

    Get a grip, Tessa. The rest of Canada mocks you :>

  • http://www.briantology.ca Briantologist

    Hey, don’t forget my French Canadian brethren. “My mother, she’s a good guy, eh?”

  • heathabee

    Tessa, don’t be rude. That’s not what we as Canadians are known for. :o )

    Dooce, I hope you and Jon will come to Toronto next time! :o )

  • http://www.aimeepalooza.blogspot.com Aimee

    I would like to crop dust the President (pass silent gas while walking by him.)
    And as a Midwestern girl I will chew my vowels all day long to get a smile out of non-Midwesterners. I will ask for a “pop,” and make sure the o sound comes right out of my nose. I think that the Canadian girl should be less sensitive. We all of accents and parts of them are always a bit funny to other people. I think you posted your own a few weeks back and discussed how to properly say a word.
    Dear Canadian woman:
    It’s all in good fun…wanna hear my accent?
    Aimee

  • http://www.sushiforlunch.com Connie

    My reply to that email would have been the lyrics to “Blame Canada” from the South Park movie just because it’s too hilarious not to quote.

  • Christine the Canadian

    I knew a girl growing up who could burp the Canadian National Anthem.

    We are actually not that easily offended and most of *us* don’t even particularly like the french (or Quebec, whatever, the occupied territories).

    And one other thing, it takes a lot of hard work to cultivate that cute Canadian accent you Merkins seem to take for granted! We have to drink a lot of tea in our igloos being polite to each other to get it that way, eh?

  • rb

    Heather, YOU should be raising my 5 year old son, not me. I think I was born to raise girls. Last night he very earnestly asked me how to make a fart noise by putting one’s hand in one’s armpit, and I really couldn’t tell him. THIS IS SOMETHING I’M SURE YOU KNOW!

  • http://www.spriteskeeper.com Sprite’s Keeper

    Hey, ya gotta offend someone at least some of the time, right? I thought you complimented the raccoons by calling them civilized in your last post..

  • Vanessa

    Yeah, there’s a fair amount of seething rage under the surface here and some people will go ridiculously far out of their way to take offense to any statement about Canada made by an American–you just can’t win. I’ll take a cue from you and burp in their faces.

  • Another offended Canadian

    And by the way; not all Canadians are nice. Or Polite. Some are REALLY RUDE! And some are my mother in law! So enough with the “nice” already…

  • http://yesimadethat.blogspot.com Lori

    Haven’t read all the comments, but I have to say “What? What post did Tessa read?” YOu get some of the most interesting responses!!

    One thing I’d like to say, as a Canadian who has worked with people from all over the world, is that the “Canadian” accent is not the same from one area to the next, much as the “American” accent differs greatly with geography. When I hear a Canadian say “aboout” or some variation thereof, I automatically hear Ontario in their speech. Most of the Americans I’ve worked with over the years guessed Arizona or Colorado for where I was from (Saskatchewan and now Calgary in matter of fact)…

    Anyway, love your writing and LOVE the crazy exclamation point filled emails!

  • ma2one

    Sweet Dooce you’re a hick (you don’t dress like one or look like one) but a sweet wonderful loveable exmormon hick, but never ever have you dissed Canada!

    I have read on your “Mommy Blog” that you think Canada is swell, love the people, landscape and think it is one of the most charming and delightful places with people who have those lovely qualities!

    How about the fact that USA loves Canada for their progressive ideas about pot and medicine.

  • http://www.urbanana.net Lauren

    Dooce FTW! Hate mail sucks.. I admire how you handle it.

  • http://retardedinlove.com Michelle

    As an adult, I probably wouldn’t still be watching Degrassi: The Next Generation if it weren’t full of Canadians.

    And don’t even get me started on Instant Star.

  • Tash

    I am de-lurking for the first time! Likely my comments will echo much of what has already been said and will continue to be said.

    As a Canadian, I feel like Tess has missed the boat on this one. Aside from saying ‘aboot’ (although I swear I have NEVER heard one of us say it, eh), the fact that we have an almost fetish like relationship with Maple Syrup, we like to smother perfectly good French fries with gravy & cheese curds and that we often say Sorry when we really mean F**k You….Canadians are often best known for our sense of humour and laughing at ourselves!

    You have never said anything negative about Canada (in my humble opinion) and if someone read it that way, they should understand your writing style well enough to know you would never try and offend anyone. YEESH…if we really thought you were against us, we would sick the seals on ya!

    I have been reading for about three years now Heather,and as a Canadian reader, I have to say I am DYING to hear you talk about your trip. I really hope you loved it and had a wonderful time!

    I think this is the perfect time for you to practice speaking Canadian. Simply say to Tess …..Sorry ;)

  • http://fishingaround.wordpress.com Fishing Around

    Canadians are waaay too sensitive. Given this fact, as a Canadian, I can honestly say that they are some of the rudest and arrogant people. Sure, some of ‘em are nice.

    But there’s nothing like the American people. Like the really cute older gentleman in the pickle aisle at a grocery store who will start chatting about the best pickles in the world. Unlike grocery shopping in Canada where NO ONE will talk to you, not even the cashier.

    Canadians are too uppity to engage in chitchat which is so uncool.

  • Kelly B.

    Wow, somebody had a bit too much coffee at Hortons this morning huh?

  • http://www.MySpace.com/BeccaSue1975 Rebecca

    Sarah (#389)

    Your comment so moved me. I’m no one really. But, I want to take a minute to tell YOU thank you.

    While your husband was over there in Iraq losing his mind you kept his children from losing theirs… you kept his house a home, so when he returned he would have something to return to… you kept yourself from other men and waited for your soldiers touch and so many don’t wait….. You let him hear you smile on the phone when your heart was breaking, just so he wouldn’t worry about you and the kids…. you have sacrificed and you served us as much as he did. If you had not held it together he would not have been able to do his job. In our home we honor heroes like you. How do we honor you? We pray for you and we let you know every chance we get that you are important, that you matter, that you have made a difference. It doesn’t matter if we like the American President or not… if we agree with this war or not…. All of that is unimportant next to acknowledging your sacrifice and making sure you know we appreciate you and we value what has cost your family so much. So thank you.

  • Buttercup

    I think your new BFF may have been referring to where you said, “They grow ‘em civilized up there” (in re: the raccoons). She probably just misunderstood your mild self-deprecation. Or it may be Canadian self-loathing that caused her to think you were making fun of her.

  • Denise

    I think she should come to BFE Ohio and meet the hicks here. We have the whole range of them – hillbillies, hicks, rednecks, white trash, trailer trash, and don’t forget poor white crackers! I am amazed at your talent. My husband can’t even burp it in 14 seconds. And I’m still laughing so hard from reading this that I can’t burp at all! Keep it coming Heather, you’re my new hero.

  • Melanie

    First it’s all those extraneous vowels, then no TiVO? Seriously? And there’s all that snow.

    I’d be a little cranky, too. Let’s cut Tessa some slack.

  • Clem

    Any advice for me? Goin’ to the 51st state this summer.

  • http://www.nessacery.blogspot.com Vanessa

    My dog burps – if I could train her to burp the alphabet in unison with you THAT would be impressive.

  • http://jesslikeshamsters.wordpress.com/ Jess

    Note to Tessa: you should probably avoid Minnesota, too. There are a lot of aboot-ers and aboat-ers here, and we make fun of ourselves for it. Apparently we’re filled with self-hate? I think not…

    Dooce, you’re wonderful and, as usual, this entry made me very, very happy!

  • JB

    A hic like a hiccup? :-X

  • George W.B.

    I’ll see what ah kin do for ya, Heather. However, I magine this won’t beat the time I let Condie burp me the Russian alphabet. Or the time Laura sharted at a dinner with Tony Blair couple years ago.

  • BradleyTee

    Gimme a break you crazy Canook(is that politically correct)? She is just jealous that their government is now requiring them to get passports to visit our lovely USofA. I would think they would be flattered that the’re being watched over more closely than just by the Royal Mounted Police force.
    Imagine a Royal Mounted Police Force farting rendition of “Oh Canada”?
    THAT spells freedom on either side of the border…EH!?

  • http://thecoliechronicles.blogspot.com/ Colie

    Up here in Canada we just throw pies at the Prime Minister…totally lame compared to burping in front of the President. We clearly need to aim higher.

    Please ensure you capture this moment on video to be enjoyed by all of us real women who can outbelch truckers. Ok, I just stereotyped truckers but seriously think about all that truck stop food – - that’s gotta give ya some serious gas.

    That Canadian fruit loop needs to get a sense of humor (which I happily spell the American way).

    Burp it up, EH!!

  • http://www.thenegativesplit.blogspot.com Nat

    I thought Canadians were suppose to be the laid back ones and the Americans the uptight a-holes. Huh.

  • cd

    People in the U.S. south think people from the north are arrogant…people in the west think people in the east are arrogant…people in the northwest think people in California are arrogant…people in L.A. think people in San Francisco are arrogant..

    and people in Canada think people in the U.S. are arrogant.

    I’ll be the people in Greenland think people in Canada are arrogant.

  • Hoosiermama

    If you did burp in front of Dubya, could you upchuck on him at the end? Please?

  • Alexis

    Canadians are crazy, eh? We love to criticize our neighbours to the south, but some of us really can’t take the reverse. Somehow I suspect that this chick doesn’t find any humour (sorry, “humor”) in South Park either.

    BTW on the whole accent thing – I have to add that I just noticed that my daughter (who is almost 3 1/2) and is a born and bred Torontonian, pronounces the word “crown” as “cray-on”. She started doing in this in the car athe other day and I had to explain to my husband (who doesn’t read this blog..) why I thought this was so funny.

    Keep up the good work and as a Canadian, I politely request that you keep making fun of us…

  • Miranda

    This post made me want to go lollerskating!!!

  • http://www.eastcoastcoffeehouse.com sassy

    DID I MISS THE MEMO??

  • http://vintagethirty.blogspot.com/ Tootsie Farklepants

    And when you finally do burp in front of the president you should do it with a Canadian accent.

  • http://impossiblewrigglepot.blogspot.com Joanna Rubiner

    It’s all fun and games until someone insults a Canadian.

    I can’t burp on command. It’s been my deepest shame since elementary school.

    If you just happened to vomit a little on the president, I’d be okay with that.

  • Rita (rhymes with Leta)

    BTW, from Vancouver, the nearest Target is in Bellingham… less than ONE HOUR AWAY. Almost next door…

  • http://bbjudyohyeah.blogspot.com Katy

    Hey Tessa,

    Get the stick out of your ass, eh? Also, Canadians can’t drive.

    Suck it.

    That’s what I’m talkin’ aBOOT.

    *I lived in Kentucky, I am allowed to diss on anyone regarding geographic location*

  • http://rockincharity.blogspot.com Charity

    I just moved back to Utah after living 20 miles away from the Canadian border. The Canadians often cross it to visit our Wal Mart and fill thier large trucks up for 2 weeks of supplies. I got accustomed to seeing more Canadian license plates than American. I also enjoyed listening to them say Aye at the end of most sentences. So one day we got brave and crossed the border and my husband thought he would try to blend in, and in doing so he used Aye one to many times and the lady asked “you’re not from around here are you” which I thought was interesting because if she looked at our car she would see our Washington license plate. Got to love them Canadians.

  • Jill U

    Well I’m Canadian, and I love everything you write. I have no idea where Tessa’s comments came from. There’s just no pleasing some people.

  • Mark

    Canadians do have those disposals at McDonald’s where they open up when you just wave your hand in front of them. They’ve got us beat there.

  • http://chasedbythemamarazzi.blogspot.com Diane

    Canada is America’s Hat. They should get used to it. At least Tessa can take comfort in the fact that she’s not a Newfie. Oh wait…is she?

  • http://www.lifeandtimesofchantel.com Chantel

    When my boyfriend started burping in front of me is when I knew it was true love. I’m not sure how I feel about him so I still cover my mouth.

  • Lolo

    You. Go. Girl.

  • http://www.midnightcliff.com hello haha narf

    so am i to understand that burping is bad?

    too bad. i love to belch.

  • http://familylleras.blogspot.com/ Jennifer

    Canada: America’s hat

    that is all.

  • Peggy

    Oh Heather….Abooot that cranky woman from Canada… What is she talking abooot…Aaaaaye? Accents are wonderful to notice and make fun of. I was born in the Chicago area, and I know I have one. My ex-husband is from England. Tons to make fun of with the way he speaks!
    Burping, that is a second language in my family. We are all able to burp and speak. My oldest brother is unstoppable. No matter where we are or what the occasion is, he is guaranteed to burp many times and loudly and then says, “excuse me pigs, I’m a lady.”
    I’m sure he would love to visit the president with you and have a chance to burp in his face as well.

    I enjoy the “heck” out of you Heather, and I will never understand why people take the time to complain. If they don’t like what you write, why do they read it?

  • Brittany

    i would also LOVE to burp in front of the president. i would just pretend i didnt know any better like when Forrest Gump dropped his pants. i would just want to see the look on his face. Good ol George would probably look at you and then burp it backwards.