That bizarre woman and her rude blog

So I thought I should start this post with an email I got this morning from a Canadian reader named Tessa. Hi, Tessa!

Subject: Your Misrepresentation of Canadians Should Be Embarrassing

You are such a wonderful, wise, witty woman. And there you go making comment after comment about how backward and maladjusted Canadians are. How we need/want to catch up to our oh-so-stellar (read: arrogant) neighbors to the south. Canadians do not talk like hics, and if we do, then we are the only ones allowed to make fun of it. Stop being so rude. It makes you look ignorant.

Canada, I just want to take this opportunity to apologize for saying that you are the nicest people I have ever met. How terribly insensitive and ignorant of me. Do I think your accent is adorable? I confess, I do. I DO! Almost as adorable as my friend Carol’s midwestern accent, almost. I tell you, you cannot die happy until you have heard Carol ask for a Bacardi and coke. There’s something about the way she chews her vowels that drives me nuts, but not bad nuts. Good nuts. It’s exactly like the feeling I get when I see a chubby, bald baby, and my insides turn flips because no matter how badly I want to, I know it would be impolite to walk up to its mother and ask her if it would be okay if I ate her baby.

You want to know what’s at the top of my list of things I want to do before I die? Burping in front of the president. Some people want to hike the Himalayas or swim the English Channel, and those are noble and worthy, and they’re on my list toward the bottom behind other important things like STICKING MY TONGUE IN CHRIS MARTIN’S EAR, but one time I was in the car with Maggie when I accidentally let out a tiny, inaudible burp. And I don’t think anything is more offensive to her than actually talking out loud about feces or maybe picking your nose and showing her the booger. Whereas in my family, sometimes we can burp an entire conversation. My brother can even burp in all caps.

She shook her head and said, listen, I know you think that’s innocuous, but you keep doing that and thinking it’s not a big deal and next thing you know you’re doing it in front of the president. That’s when I knew. I knew my life would not be complete without accomplishing such a quintessentially me thing. I’m sure that when people ask Maggie what her friend Heather is like, she goes, you know, I think I could pretty much sum up Heather by saying that she is the type of person who would take great pride in burping in front of the president. The end.

And guess who was in town last night. No, just guess. And guess who wanted to drive up to Park City where this particular someone was holding a Republican fundraiser. I’d tap a secret service agent on the shoulder and say, hey! I need a HUUUUUUGE favor, k? I need 14 seconds with the president. 14. That’s it. I know this is totally out of the ordinary, but I’m slowly dying of old age, and the number one thing I want to do before I die is burp the alphabet in front of George Bush. HOW COULD HE REFUSE ME? Don’t you think he’d be all, BRING THAT WOMAN IN! And we’d bond despite our political differences. THIS IS WHAT AMERICA IS ALL ABOUT. OH-SO-STELLAR AMERICA.

  • we call it backbacon.

    tessa must be an imposter. any true canadian would never spell neighbour incorrectly.
    canada loves you right back, dooce!
    come up to ontario next. we will fix mama a hot dog like nobody’s business.

  • http://www.dinkycast.com Jen

    I have these cousins (in-laws) from Canada – Montreal to be more exact. The LOVE being made fun of for being Canadian. If a conversation ever gets dull, the throw in a funny Canadian-ism. It’s hilarious.

    AND – they make fun of other Canadians. Apparently, people from Newfoundland and HILARIOUS!! I’m sure you’ve got to be Canadian to REALLY get the jokes, but they’re pretty funny anyway.

    And, have you ever seen How I Met Your Mother? Tons of Canadian humor.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that there are tons of people from Canada who are not self righteous blowhards who get offended at the tiniest little thing.

    Of course, I grew up in Cleveland, Ohio. Yes, the mistake by the lake. Our river caught on fire the year I was born. Seriously – our city made water burn. Somedays, I’m shocked I got out alive. Even the grandmas carry weapons.

    Now, I live in Chicago and that’s just a plethora of jokes right there, but this comment is getting really long and blah, blah, blah.

    But, yes – I also talk funny. And I get made fun of all the time. If I send you recordings of how I said Mom and dollar, you’d practically pee in your pants. And would I fee offended? No – I laugh when other people laugh. It’s this thing I’ve got.

    It’s called a sense of humor. My Canadian cousins, though, have senses of humour. It’s a slight difference, but we’d all have a good giggle over it.

  • Maiken H.

    I really must have missed some posts because I have only ever heard you praise Canada. I remember when you went so far as to commend them for their subtle use of puncuation marks. That has stuck in my head so I hesitate when the urge for multiple puncuation marks strikes me as fancy.

  • http://runningperson.blogspot.com/ Liz

    When did everyone in the world lose their sense of humor? People are so worried about being offended, that they forget that the funniest thing in the world is themselves.

    Lighten up, Tessa. I laughed at myself for a good ten minutes when I looked in the mirror this morning. I was *that* funny.

  • Dawn

    I didn’t even notice that “Aboot” was in the title of a previous post until Cloe mentioned that! Honestly, if that’s all that Tessa’s upset about, she needs some help. That’s got to be the most common joke about Canadian accents, and Canadians even make fun of that one ourselves! Geebus, I can’t remember the last time I actually said “out and about” without making a point of saying “oot and aboot”.

    Tessa, lighten up.

    And yes, I agree, we need Target.

  • Jenica

    you’re hilarious

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00439000466736526619 Kate

    In my dictionary, stellar is a complimentary word.
    Maybe Tessa needs to get a new dictionary – or new glasses – or… just a whole new outlook. You decide.

    I don’t want to just burp for the president. I want to fart. Yeah.. talk about satisfaction guaranteed.

  • http://believeintheflowers.blogspot.com KAS

    I personally am way too willing to say nasty things about nearly any nationality, although I seem to have missed (like everybody else, lawl) the place where you said that Canadians were jerkoffs that should probably be swatted with a roll of wet toilet paper. People today can and will take offense to anything they want, if they can spin it just right. *Shakes her head* I’m disappointed in that hate mailer.

    At least when you choose to hate on someone, you do it because they deserve it – see “Tessa”. If I were Canadian, I’d be offended that she was giving the rest of my kin a bad name – and as for Americans? Well, we’re all money-grubbing overweight bad parents with an obsession with rum. SO WHAT?! :D :D :D

  • Briana

    The President seems like the kind of person where hearing the alphabet burped would be the highlight of the week for him.

  • http://www.greenduckies.blogspot.com DM

    I am so confused. I don’t remember you ever saying anything bad about Canada. I thought you pretty much talked about how you loved it.

    Tessa probably hates How I Met Your Mother as well.

  • J. Bo

    Burping in front of the president is an EXCELLENT life goal. You are a constant inspiration…

  • http://www.iamthemill.com ScottR

    You wouldn’t just be burping the alphabet in front of the President. In so doing, you would be TEACHING him the alpahabet – a great service to our country. On behalf of the American people, thank you in advance.

  • http://soonthebandwagon.blogspot.com Tasty

    So funny that you want to eat babies, too. Among my lovely group of friends, when we see an adorable baby (or toddler for that matter) we ALL say, “must.eat.baby.” in just that way.

    Thanks for writing and keep up the good work, sister!

  • http://www.thejoyof.blogspot.com Joy

    “Chews her vowels”….

    You have an uncanny knack of placing the right words together to always make my insides flip. :)

    Joy

  • http://injennifershead.com Jennifer

    If I ever get to meet the president, I will burp and tell him its from you. I know it isn’t the same. Just make sure you eat onions so the burp is truly memorable.

    At what point did you say anything rude about Canada? Or is instructing them to get a Target so that you could move there considered rude? Something about the displaced French and comments about eating babies…

  • http://lifesgarbage.com Rebecca

    It’s okay, I forgive you, Dooce.

    Not that I was mad in the first place. Sure, some of your jokes kind of peeved me off, but it isn’t as though I don’t say things about Americans, so whatevs, yo. I kind of like Canadian jokes anyway; I always thought that was a Canadian pride kind of thing, was the fact that everybody else thought that we didn’t have paved roads when we actually did.

    If you’re at all interested, I recommend that you watch “Talking to Americans” by Canadian satirist, Rick Mercer. Basically he goes down to the states and asks Americans if they know about such and such about Canada, such and such being a Canadian myth of sorts. I’m sure you could find it on the YouTubes somewhere.

    However, living up in the North, I have never noticed the difference between American and Canadian accents. Everybody else says that they do, but why can’t I notice it?! It makes no sense to me. Granted, we prounouce some words a bit differently, but how is that garnered to be an “accent”?

  • Alex

    I’ve only commented once before but I must de-lurk again to say: Never mind dear Tessa. She represents a very small minority of Canadians who have pickles shoved up their butts.

    The rest of us Canadians were laughing with you, Heather. And will continue to do so even if you do poke fun at our funny accents and bizzare food choices (I believe poutine has aleady been mentioned in the comments). Just forget about her, eh?

  • Kelly

    I am embarrassed to be from the same country Tessa is from.

  • Allison

    Just wanted to let you know that they have Sigg bottles at our Target, so they’ll probably have them at yours!! I live in Buffalo, NY and we’re always the last to get stuff! Burp it up! :)

  • Sara

    So, I guess you saw the picture of the guy chest bumping the president. Maybe your life goal isn’t too far off after all?

  • http://www.thelandofvariablegravity.blogspot.com Optimist

    I am totally with you on Chris Martin’s ear.

    Better watch out – Shrub can probably beat you in a burp-a-thon. He’s high class that way…

  • Mel

    FUNNY!!! i love to read you daily! it’s great. keep it up! And I am not Canadian!! teeheehee

  • Katie

    Heather, what the HELL are you talking about?

  • Katrisha Maile

    ok. it is set in stone now. I LOVE YOU. !!!. and after seeing HILARIOUS parts of the parties political figures have in DC, I am completely sure that Dubya would love to hear you burp the alphabet and maybe even chat about feces and how people overreact to comments made about them.

  • http://kristanhoffman.com Kristan

    All I have to say is:

    OHTHANKGODYOU’REBACK!

  • Karla

    I highly recommend you watch some clips from the Canadian who I think has the best sense of humour of us ALL: Rick Mercer (And he’s from Newfoundland!).

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCcKdH96Nao

  • http://www.fromthefrontporch.com/WPBlog Ann from Montana

    I live 60 miles from the Canadian border and at my previous home had many Canadian “part-time” neighbors – we all teased each other – so much fun.

    Vancouver is a stunning city – wonderful that you enjoyed it and I’m enjoying your posts and Jon’s photos – well, yours also – the swan photo is beautiful.

    You go girl – burp for George W. – I am a Republican and a GWBush fan and I STILL think he would love it!

    AND, I love Dooce and Blurbomat – regardless of politics. Thanks for opening comments today!

  • http://www.melindabraun.blogspot.com Mindy

    Man, that’s awesome. Me and my brother used to make “Belch Tapes” with his old tape recorder. We’d spend the better part of an afternoon working on our masterpiece; which would be about 2 minutes playing time of constant belching. We played it for our mom, and she had tears in her eyes. I think it was pride. Oh yeah, I’m from Wisconsin, so it had a great midwestern accent to it.

  • Dread Pirate Megan

    What a strange woman. Canadian accents are odd, sure, but they are so cute too. I used to call my best friend’s husband and make him say “about” so I could giggle at him. Is that lady not a native Canadian that she’s so sensitive?

  • Amber

    You can make fun of my Midwestern accent any time you want. I’m from WI originally but living in MN currently, and I love nothing more than interacting with the occasional Minnesotan who sounds like an extra from Fargo. Upper-Midwesterners are pretty close to Canadians with their “o” sound. Ask us to say “Out and about in a boat” and you’ll be rewarded amply.

  • Jackie

    Is it just me or does Coco sometimes look a teensy bit like Jon? I think it’s in the eyes and the hair that borders on the edge of intentionally left this way and don’t care. Maybe Chuck is your prototype??? I’m not convinced on that one, though… :)

  • Stacey

    It should be mandatory that everyone that reads this blog should have a sense of humor.

    c’mon PEOPLE!

  • Ellen

    I don’t think Bush would object to you burping in front of him. He’s from Texas.

  • http://fromanywheretoanyone.blogspot.com Joan

    Tessa can’t be a real Canuck or maybe she was just born with a stick up her bum.

    Canadian Born & Bred!

  • Anonymous

    I’m sure he would give you a medal. It’s a well known fact that the President’s favorite literary character is Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds, and that his favorite scene is the belching contest.

  • http://trivialtiffairs.blogspot.com tiffany

    Man… If our soceity was as uptight and serious as some of the “quirky” people that email you, we would be a soceity full of people that could never relax enough to poop. As we all know the U.S. is riddled with people full of shit or that we kindly call shitheads. THe rest of us are pretty healthy, fun-loving, REGULAR people. Thanks Heather. I’m glad that you had a nice time in Vancouver and love the picture of the goose(?)

  • Aaron

    I personally think we pronounce it aboat rather than aboot. Regardless, I’m glad you and Jon had such a good time with us.

  • Lana

    I am Canadian and I am not offended.

    Tessa: Get a life.

    Heather: Rock on!

  • http://www.dearreilly.blogspot.com Erin Rae

    You are sheer genius. I swear it. I wish I could take your ideas and swallow them whole and spit them out as my own but I’m just not that kind of person. But burping the alphabet for the President is FANTASTIC! Best idea I’ve heard in years! I wish I could fart a few words in his general direction, but unfortunately my ass can’t spell or pronunciate any better than our very own President can, so I’m afraid that the attempt would all be in vein.

    Thanks for the laugh.

  • http://scrappyamy.blogspot.com Amy

    14 seconds? I am truly impressed. I don’t think I even had a full second in me on a good day.

    Also, when you do get to burp in front of the president I hope you will sell tickets. Because, frankly such an event would bring me joy. I don’t care who the president is when that happens, just that I could possibly get to see it. Because I don’t care who you are. That’s funny.

  • http://www.mysecondjournal.wordpress.com mp

    I’m sorry Mrs Armstrong but we do NOT have accents in the midwest. At all.. Well maybe Wisconsin does but are they REALLY the midwest?

    How could someone screw up Bacardi and Coke?
    Ba Car Dee and Koe K

    Right?

  • DesignGirl

    Ha! My husband can burp on command. Every time we go through a toll booth, after he hands the dude (dudette) our change and they say “thank you,” he replies with a BIG LOUD BURP and peels out. Yeah, real mature for a 38-year-old, but it’s funny as hell and we laugh till we pee in our leather car seats.

    Gotta admit, I didn’t catch anything but compliments about canada in your posts. And for that bitchy canook, all I have to say is, “I’ve never wanted to visit Canada until Heather started posting about Canada, but now, after reading your crappy email, I’m not so sure I’ve missed anything by EVER going there!”

    Geez, I hope most Canadians have more smarts (and sense of humor) than that!

  • Ann

    Your post is the closest I’ve ever seen on Dooce to political commentary. Glad to hear you have “differences” with Dubya. Don’t we all? I bet he’d be interested in your burping skills. Things like global warming, lying to the country, torture, tax breaks for the rich, gas prices, food prices–aren’t as much fun.

  • http://hautepocket.wordpress.com/ hautepocket

    you’re the funniest person i “know.”

  • http://www.elephantine.typepad.com rachel

    I love how the comments keep alternating between canada and burping. I have this picture in my head of a hundred and sixty-ish people (safe to say mostly women?) talking all at once, the conversations not making any sense, all of the chatter converging into one big chant that sounds like “Canadurp, Canadurp…”

  • http://www.xanga.com/Bratfink Brat

    This is EXACTLY why I keep coming back here.

    You are teaching me to have LOFTY GOALS. Dreams.

    If only you could burp AND fart in front of the President. I would so pay to see that.
    .

  • http://www.janetnelson.net Janet

    I am so glad you said that Carol had a midwestern accent. Certainly nicer than saying she has a midwestern twang — which is what my “accent” is referred to out east here.

  • Chubby

    I love to hear my friend’s wife from Nova Scotia talk. And my husband from England. And my college roommate from Missouri. And I tease them relentless about how they don’t talk right. You know why, Tessa?

    Because I love them. Simple concept, really.

  • http://littlemansmom.wordpress.com littlemansmom

    Yep I’m Canadian, yep I say eh & aboot, yep I’m demanding (but I think that’s just a me thing, not a Canadian thing), yep I too can burp my national anthem (but I cover my mouth when I do it), nope…Bob and Doug Mackenzie are not my heros, yep I’m pretty laid back, yep I spell colour and humour and neighbour with a U, yep I like beer (especially Molson Canadian eh), yep I stop at Tim Hortons every morning (but never ask for a free timbit), yep I think Tessa is a ‘hoser’ and needs to relax and stop mis-representing the rest of the Canadian population. Get a sence of humour already girl!

    Dooce…I adore your blog. I may not comment often, but I do read it often. I think you are witty, candid, open and insult-free. I recommend you to everyone I know, I will continue to do so. Are you ever going to visit us in Toronto?

  • http://lisamertins.com lisa mertins

    wwwrrraaaap brrrap urrrrr rrrrraaaaap wwwrrrruup?*

    my poppy worked for coca cola and could burp the alphabet! each and every time followed my mimi saying “DANiel!” i cherish that as much as them never being able to figure out the cameras…

    *yeah, why are canadians so sensitive?