That bizarre woman and her rude blog

So I thought I should start this post with an email I got this morning from a Canadian reader named Tessa. Hi, Tessa!

Subject: Your Misrepresentation of Canadians Should Be Embarrassing

You are such a wonderful, wise, witty woman. And there you go making comment after comment about how backward and maladjusted Canadians are. How we need/want to catch up to our oh-so-stellar (read: arrogant) neighbors to the south. Canadians do not talk like hics, and if we do, then we are the only ones allowed to make fun of it. Stop being so rude. It makes you look ignorant.

Canada, I just want to take this opportunity to apologize for saying that you are the nicest people I have ever met. How terribly insensitive and ignorant of me. Do I think your accent is adorable? I confess, I do. I DO! Almost as adorable as my friend Carol’s midwestern accent, almost. I tell you, you cannot die happy until you have heard Carol ask for a Bacardi and coke. There’s something about the way she chews her vowels that drives me nuts, but not bad nuts. Good nuts. It’s exactly like the feeling I get when I see a chubby, bald baby, and my insides turn flips because no matter how badly I want to, I know it would be impolite to walk up to its mother and ask her if it would be okay if I ate her baby.

You want to know what’s at the top of my list of things I want to do before I die? Burping in front of the president. Some people want to hike the Himalayas or swim the English Channel, and those are noble and worthy, and they’re on my list toward the bottom behind other important things like STICKING MY TONGUE IN CHRIS MARTIN’S EAR, but one time I was in the car with Maggie when I accidentally let out a tiny, inaudible burp. And I don’t think anything is more offensive to her than actually talking out loud about feces or maybe picking your nose and showing her the booger. Whereas in my family, sometimes we can burp an entire conversation. My brother can even burp in all caps.

She shook her head and said, listen, I know you think that’s innocuous, but you keep doing that and thinking it’s not a big deal and next thing you know you’re doing it in front of the president. That’s when I knew. I knew my life would not be complete without accomplishing such a quintessentially me thing. I’m sure that when people ask Maggie what her friend Heather is like, she goes, you know, I think I could pretty much sum up Heather by saying that she is the type of person who would take great pride in burping in front of the president. The end.

And guess who was in town last night. No, just guess. And guess who wanted to drive up to Park City where this particular someone was holding a Republican fundraiser. I’d tap a secret service agent on the shoulder and say, hey! I need a HUUUUUUGE favor, k? I need 14 seconds with the president. 14. That’s it. I know this is totally out of the ordinary, but I’m slowly dying of old age, and the number one thing I want to do before I die is burp the alphabet in front of George Bush. HOW COULD HE REFUSE ME? Don’t you think he’d be all, BRING THAT WOMAN IN! And we’d bond despite our political differences. THIS IS WHAT AMERICA IS ALL ABOUT. OH-SO-STELLAR AMERICA.

  • Me

    Uh, I’m not sure why an entire country must take the rap for one grumpy emailer (though Americans do love thier generalisations), but quite frankly, I’m surprised y’all are still discussing it. Yawn!

  • http://www.ellinorstenroos.com Ellinor

    oh Canada.
    I’m as good as Canadian now -with a different cultural heritage. and background.. and the only thing bringing them down is the “big brother complex”. Get over it!
    We (countries) are who we are for what we are.

    I know, it’s deep.

    If all you ever want to see yourself as -the lesser one, and the picked on one , then that is all you’ll ever be.

  • http://heyyourememberme.blogspot.com that girl

    I am very confused as to WHY this lady thinks you’ve put down Canada.?? the big Weirdo.

    P.S. – If you do ever get your chance with George W., don’t be disappointed when his reaction is less than shocked. He is in fact a good ole boy from Texas and will probably raise an eyebrow, call you “little lady,” and then fart really loud..

  • http://www.lilja.no Stellare

    Are you making fun of Canadians? And Americans? And yourself?
    Noooo! :-)

  • sweetpea

    Get off Tessa’s back. She needs meds. Speaking of needing meds I think I would go postal if I had to live in Minnesota. I am a adult living w/ADD and they talk waaaaaaaaaaaay to slow.

  • http://stinger88.blogspot.com/ Stephanie

    Well, I am glad I am not the only one that missed the offending comments.

    And Tessa should be glad she has an accent to make fun of. I am from the middle of the midwest, Kansas City, Missouri. I have no.accent.whatsoever. None. Nada. Totally boring. I have tried adopting an accent (the upper midwest is a personal fave). But, alas, I sound like an accent-less person trying to adopt an accent. Badly. I am the plain white bread of the accent world. *sigh*

  • lostinutah

    If you read Heather’s blog, at all, you know that if you e-mail her privately you are subject to posting – whether for humorous purposes or appreciative purposes, it really doesn’t matter.

    So, I don’t buy that it’s inappropriate. I’ve e-mailed Heather and it didn’t get posted – but I knew it certainly could. Of course, it was about our mutual love for Rick Springfield, not an insult, but still…

  • http://www.astrangebird.net gesikah

    A-boot…that slays me. Reminds me of a friend of mine from Minnesota. Bless her heart, she got really tired of being asked to say things and then hearing “Oh my god, that’s so cute”.

    Being from Louisiana, I got my fair share of it too though.

    PS If you do ever get to meet W and burp the alphabet, I will give you $50 if you also give him a wet willy.

  • shannon

    Canadians pronounce “skeletal” as “skeLEETal.” As such, I’m going to have to defend any mockery, gentle or otherwise, of their accents, and will even go so far as to say it’s kind of like they learned to negotiate the English language from a slightly antiquated computer program that didn’t quite grasp vowel nuances.

    Skeleeeeeeetal. It haunts me.

  • Janie

    Yes, yes, yes!! #8 Erin! What she said exactly! That’s what I was going to write. All I can think is “Huh? What blog has she been reading? Or is it me?” The only thing I got out of any of the last few days postings is that Heather reallllly likes Canada. (Likes in a GOOD way. Geez, can you even say ‘likes’ in a bad way? It’s getting so you are afraid to say anything in this world.)
    From reading, I had honestly thought to myself “Oh that’s nice; they could buy a 2nd house there because they’re making good money now.”

    Seriously, what is wrong with these people!? You know, it’s like that boyfriend who falls in love with you because of your quirky, fun ways but then chips away at changing you until finally he dumps you because “you’re not the woman I fell in love with”. Heather, please ignore all these people trying to chip away at you. Stay the woman we fell in love with! LOL

  • Anonymous

    the sad thing is our current pres would so totally join in with your burping…he’d love it!…a man of the people, he is indeedy.

  • M.K.

    This post perfectly illustrates why I LOVE YOU!

    This is not [by far] the first time I’ve heard a Canadian express that Americans think they are superior. But honestly?, I don’t know a single American who doesn’t absolutely adore Canadians.

    Canada: Maybe you could work on your self esteem a little. We really do love you. I doubt there are nicer humans on all of planet earth.

  • http://www.itsteamchristensen.blogspot.com Mandi

    “My brother can even burp in all caps.”

    That, right there, is exactly why I love you. Hilarious.

  • Anonymous

    Heather, I think you’re lovely! I’m both a Canadian and a Vancouverite. I’m thrilled you had such a nice time while you were in town. :-) Keep up the good work!

  • http://buterscotch.visualblogging.com Mischa

    Hilarious!

  • Laurie

    That’s funny because I thought you called them sophisticated, with the raccoons having tea parties and such. It made me thoughtful… and even made me think that perhaps I should stop referring to Canada as America’s Hat. And while I’m at it, I’ll stop calling Mexico America’s Pants.

    Jokes, people. Jokes!

  • http://www.godtar.com Charles R. Kaiser

    Tivo is now in Canada, but you can’t get an HD one so what’s the point? Canada is still a mish mash and vast cable wasteland, and since we have no cable operators that use CableCard, we are forced to use whatever evil box the local company foists off on us to watch the limited number of shows in HD.

    What I really hate is when a US program is shown on cable here that was formatted for widescreen, and it is shown on an HD channel in 4:3 format pillared and letterboxed! Arrrgghhh!

  • http://shoeism.blogspot.com Therese

    I’m Canadian, and I’m sure I’m extra super duper sensitive about it

    (aside – why is it called ‘sensitivity’ if you’re Canadian, but ‘pride’ if you’re American? just a thought)

    but I don’t remember you insulting or belittling Canada in any way, and I’m a pretty regular reader. I do remember the glow of pride (sensitivity?) I felt when you said Canadians were so nice, though.

  • http://greatdayinmaine.blogspot.com leesavee

    I know a guy who can fart “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” — seriously!

    Now THAT is talent!

  • Jeana

    Tessa, get over yourself. After living with a Canadian, I know firsthand the cuteness of her accent. And after living my entire friggin’ life as a woman in Arkansas, I think I can corner the market on all things seemingly rude and insensitive that have been said about us. No, I haven’t slept with Clinton. No, I’m not barefoot, pregnant or stuck in the kitchen. And no, I don’t sleep with my kinfolk.

    So why don’t you get off your high horse about the word ‘aboot’ and go read the rest of Heather’s comments? She’s done nothing but praise Vancouver and Canada since she’s been home. Sheesh.

  • http://so-sugarless.blogspot.com/ Audrey

    Some people are so ffucking sensitive. Urgh

    Dooce, you need to come to Montreal!!! I think you would find it lovely (cos its a lovely city). Please?!

  • http://aimmemotion.blogspot.com Melly

    Some days I’m tempted to send you a horribly obnoxious e-mail, ridiculing you for something, just so you have a reason to write and open comments.

    I think video proof is needed to support the belching claims you often make.

  • http://www.theindependentmom.com Independent Mom

    Okay, seriously, what did I miss? Where in the hell did *Tessa* get all that from?
    Maybe I need more coffee before reading your blog because obviously I am missing something!

  • Alex

    Totally with MP here. I read that about the Bacardi/Coke and I’m all like “Whu-huh!?” Nobody here in MPLS has an accent that I’ve ever heard. We sound just like those folks on the tellyvision!

  • http://grommitblog.blogspot.com/ R Dakin

    I love Canadians. They are so cute when they’re mad!

  • http://www.loraleighvance.com/ Loraleigh Vance

    First please allow me to apologize for my fellow Canadian’s bad manners. And apparent low self esteem because as you know whatever someone says about you is really a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Pfffft!

    Second, just to let you know that most of us don’t mind being teased about our being nice, having good manners and our accents, ’cause hey, life is too short.

    And third, I’m so glad you enjoyed our beautiful Vancouver. I was going to go see you but then got a case of terminal shyness. Ah well.

    Be well!

  • Marley

    Hi Heather!

    Okay, on behalf of all THE REST of us Canadians, I duly apologize that there are some Tessas on the loose in our great country.

    I missed all the insulting of us that you apparently did. If you REALLY want to find something to insult us aboot, come to Toronto!

    While you are here, can you come burp for the mayor?

  • WTF?

    That woman is bi-polar and obviously can’t read… because where in the frig would she come up with that crap?! I didn’t see a single word about maladjusted backwards Canadians…. Personally, and this is just me… I have yet to meet a Canadian that I like. (I am sooo American with my damn generalizations) All Canadians walk around with proper sticks up their proper asses and talk stupid (as opposed to me, being from Arkansas and all….)

    As for you Heather… whats up with wanting to burp? Surely you can think of better things to do and “say”.

    It’s all very elementary school. Isn’t it?!

  • http://www.notcleverlynamed.blogspot.com lionemom

    I.
    LOVE.
    YOU.

    My friends all know I fart and burp and that it’s just part of me. I have used it to be “one of the guys”, and I have used it to drive “unsavory” people off. My fiance finds it at once endearing and amusing. I had friends once call me “Flatula” like a superhero name. Basically, I have the reputation.

    Whereas one of my oldest friends DENIES ever having farted in her life! She claims it has never happened. EVER! And there is no one that can refute the claim, not even her husband, because she holds them in! I am not sure if she ever lets them out, even when she is in the shower alone. I have told her she will someday explode between holding in her farts and stifling her sneezes. She is one of those people that lets out a tiny, almost whispered, “chooo” when she sneezes. CRAZY!

    So anyway, I love you and I SO WISH that you had that story to blog about, that you ACTUALLY did burp in front of the president!!!

  • http://heathercarrier.blogspot.com/ heather

    ok my hubby is canadian and we go there almost every year and they are somewhat behind so she is off. heck 2 years ago when we went was the first time they had a walmart and that was still almost an hour and a half away from where my hubby is from!

  • Christel

    Your title for next month’s banner should read: Oh-So-Stellar-DOOCE!

  • http://liquidoxology.wordpress.com/ Anette

    I don’t want to be burping to the choir, but Canada really IS a nice place. Anette

  • Nancy

    I’m Canadian, and I’ve been told by an American that we say our “O”‘s funny. About apparently sounds like ABOOT.

    I have a sexy accent!

  • Courtney

    I think that is a great dream in life.
    Considering mine is to crawl through a gigantic air vent one day. Like they do on TV.

  • Lesley

    Yes, Heather, we have silly douchebags in Canada who misinterpret your humour and good nature. Pay them no mind. I live in Vancouver, I’m a born and bred Canuck, and I was pleased as punch that you visited our lovely and gorgeous, albeit crack-addled, homeless-plagued, deeply troubled, pan-handler’s paradise of a city. Please do come again, and if possible, bring Chuck, Coco, and little Leta…they’d love the beaches.

  • Rbelle

    I suspect this was the comment that bothered Tessa, in addition to “aboot,” which I do suspect gets rather old for some people.

    “Oh, Canada. You finally got television you can pause. Next mission: GET YOURSELVES A TARGET. Because then I’m going to start looking at real estate across the border.”

  • http://www.peavine.com/ Jen

    ‘Fess up, Heather…there is no Tessa. Her “email” was nothing more than a thinly disguised attempt to a) garner sympathy and kudos from Canadians everywhere and b) let everyone know about your belching prowess.

    Now where are the photos of the raccoons having tea?

  • http://www.evanzstox.com/ stephanie

    A whole lotta boo hoo.

    boo hoo hoo..

  • http://www.bouska.blogspot.com Mama’s Losin’ It

    Most Canadians are homosexuals and racist.

  • http://tiggerlane.blogspot.com Tiggerlane

    OMG…Burping for Bush? LOVE IT! And you know, it would be right up his alley – totally better than meeting all those dignitaries who are so dignified that he doesn’t belong in the same room with them.

    And you know what he would say to your burping, don’t you? He would tell you it was AWESOME!

  • http://www.myfunnyfunnyfamily.com Carrie

    Here’s how self-centered I am. Since I mentioned Dooce on my blog yesterday, I assumed today’s headline was about me. Yes, because everyone is talking, thinking and reading about me, me, me, all the time, right? Whoops, sorry, I just had another Emily Gould moment.

  • http://velvetlava.blogspot.com/ Ann

    Clearly, Tessa has PMS or a bad case of the literal.

    And the burping with Bush? Even though I’m not a Bush fan – I totally think he would love it if you burped for him. Dude, he’s from Texas – they know how burp beautifully there – and that’s not an insult, people!

  • http://matthewstechnicoloredworld.blogspot.com/ Christina

    Don’t Canadians kind of make fun of their own accents, from time to time. See Corner Gas for understanding. I too adore their accents so much so that I married one so I could listen to it all the time. However he moved to the US (for me, ahh love ain’t it sweet…) and he lost it, mostly. SO SAD! I had to review your posts to try & understand what this person was talking about. I am still a bit lost but whatever, eh?

  • http://www.maddenwedding.blogspot.com/ Kimberly

    This is exactly why I miss Bill Clinton.

    Because, he is the kind of guy who hears a burp and cracks up.

    If you don’t believe me, go back and watch the clip where he is standing next to Boris Yeltsin as he is making a speech and the translator burps during the translation of his speech.

    Bill just about pee’d his pants laughing.

  • http://www.insanetoddler.blogspot.com MamaCarter

    Heh heh heh. She misspelled “hick”.

  • http://www.laughingatchaos.wordpress.com jen

    You burp the alphabet in front of He Who Shall Not Be Named Except By My 7 Year Old Son Who Doesn’t Call Him Jackass Because He Can’t Remember The Word and I will dance naked with glee. Because someone has to do that in front of him. Just sayin’.

  • http://knaphrodesiac.blogspot.com Knaphrodesiac

    I am so jealous of your hate mail.

  • http://merrymagpie.blogspot.com/ Merry Magpie

    I used to work for an internet company, and the Canadians were by far our favorite customers, always so polite and happy. One day I asked a regular Canadian customer why they were so darn happy. She said it was because there was Prozac in the water.

    Don’t know if this is true but she said it without any hesitation. Maybe that could be discussed with the President after the burp? It might come in handy down here.

  • http://clairebell.wordpress.com Clairebell

    Seriously, you didn’t say one negative thing about Canadians. Some of them are just so oversensitive about everything. So do they alliterate when they get excited? I am going to have to provoke my neighbor (she’s CANADIAN living in the USA – it’s fascinating like a dog walking on its hind legs!!) just to see if she does.

  • http://www.tokenblogger.com ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ

    I love that your dogs watch tv!