I wrote crazy stuff when I was 10 or 11 in my first diary ever. Then I found the other day one from high school. I look back and think that maybe crazy people only write in diaries. And in this day and age, blogging is the tool. :)

At least your hair was really pretty. I like how you've showcased it over your shoulder, like a good Southern girl.

(I'm a Southern Girl, too, I know what I'm talking about.)

WOW. Those are awesome, in an awesomely bad kind of way. I've definitely found there's nothing like a little "myself at 19" to put things in perspective.

I love your writing!

Now, Heather,

...if gay marriage is legalized across the board the next thing you know people will want to marry goats!

You've brilliantly illustrated why, on many occasions over the years, I seriously considered going back through all of my old diaries (which date from 5th grade) and re-writing them.

I have a video that my friends and I shot when we were sixteen. We went on a 'Donut Run' (but we called it a Vietnamese name - which I have no idea how to spell and am embarassed to try and sound out - as we had a friend obsessed with the Vietnam War. Not in a nerdly way. In a scary, I know all the makes of the guns used to kill Vietnamese people type way. So, yeah, not friends with that guy anymore.) to 'Dunkin Donuts' - natch - and what is absolutely fascinating to me are the offhand racist, sexist and homophobic comments that we tossed around like nothing. The crazy thing about the video is that, when watching it, I am looking at myself, then, and I can almost remember looking through those eyes at the camera recording the idiotic tripe belching out my mouth - but I cannot remember that brain that created those comments.

Probably a good thing, too. I know I would have a few choice words to say to myself. Most of them are not nice at ALL.

This entry is exactly why I am addicted to this site! I think its important to look back on who we have become. Thanks for sharing. Im going to try and work 'albino raindrops' into a conversation today! :)
Yeah for gay marriage!!

Wow, those are incredible. My earlier diary entries were cringe-worthy mostly because I was able to work myself into a righteous anger over pretty much everything, but hadn't figured out how to express, except with a lot of indignant exclamation points and failed sarcasm. My early blog entries? Well, let's just say it's obvious I was fifteen and otherwise pretend they don't exist.

That book looks like fun, though. I'll have to check it out.

I think we had the excact same child/youngadulthood!

My favorite is "If we legalize gay marriage, then eventually our culture would die out because NO ONE WILL BREED!!!"

Cheers!

#11 Kristin> But you can see how pushing your beliefs impacts those who do not share the same beliefs, right? You're restricting what they can do just because it's wrong to YOU.

Oh holy crap. You are a braver soul than I am. It is suddenly incredibly distressing to me that my journal from high school is not in my possession. Never, never do those words need to see the light of day!

Ach, the teen angst. The crazy and the God squad cheers give extra flavah. And WOW, what HAIR! With the same exact expression as your masthead photo.

Prop 8 is insulting in that it even gets to be a big issue. Why do I get a vote on who anyone else marries, unless one of the twosome is me?

Are these really your journal entries or did you hack into Sarah Palin's personnal blog?

Kudos and agreement to Kristen (#11) above.

I love the blog and enjoy following your family a bit...

Couldn't disagree more about most things political, social, or religious though.

Homosexuals should certainly have rights equal to any other human suffering from a mental disorder.

That was great but also kind of scary. Thanks for sharing with us. oh and that is some interesting hair you were sporting.....

I think it's kind of backwards. You were more on track in the journal entries. Without religion (the one and only God) you're right, there is no issue. But there is also no hope.

Hi Heather,

While my Oirish Catlick upbringing didn't feature the same...interesting...turn of phrase, it did lead me to register as a member of the Right to Life Party when I turned 18.

And now I"m the poster child for same-sex marriage:

http://en.chatelaine.com/english/weekend/article.jsp?content=20080808_11...

Shame they didn't include the photo from the print version of the magazine: most people would find my husband and my's balding beaming countenances more doughboy than demon.

"[Homosexuals] are human beings with real human emotion and real human moms and dads."

When I read that I wondered if prior to watching "Philadelphia" you maybe thought homosexuals were alien robots immaculately conceived by the Virgin Boy George and Xenu. :)

I really must find my teenage diaries and burn them...

Wow. Just Wow.

Ah...teenage angst has paid off well.

I have looked back over all of my teenage writings on occasion...and I always have the feeling that it wasn't me that wrote all of that crap...but some alien being that took over my brain for several years...how could I have ever been so shortsighted? So bratty? So concerened with such trivial matters? So concrete in the thought that I was right and everyone else was wrong?

Just goes to show what a little age and experience can do for a person. Everyone and anyone can change...but you'd never have been able to be the person you became without all of that angst and turmoil.

And I personally think it was the weight of all that hair that was pulling your brain in a weird direction.

Actually I think that last passage is very interesting -- we can see you challenging your own bias and thinking it through. You can't blame a young person for believing what she has been taught -- on the contrary you can be proud to see your young self begin thinking for yourself and challenging what you have been taught.

Most people who are taught bias and hate stay right where they started.

It is so comforting to know that other women went through this period in their lives. I was brought up in Kentucky, in a strict Southern Baptist religious environment. (Fundamentalist, much?) Throughout my teenage years I struggled with what the church and "God" were teaching, and the way that I felt, which led to tremendous guilt and shame. Growing up and in the process becoming more educated, coupled with the absence of weekly endocrination, I was able to escape that way of life...hopefully, emerging as the open-minded, thinking individual that I am today. What we are taught as truth, during those all-too important formative years, is never as genuine as what we are able to learn for ourselves.

When I first read those entries, I thought you were already mocking your faith -- the rabbit as proof that God lives, Ryan as Satan, the goose-bumping flag salute. You could have written those same words today, with only a slightly different spin!

Makes me terrified to re-read my 15 years worth of diaries, yet I can't bring myself to throw them out. Someday I imagine myself bedbound, helpless to stop my children from reading them out loud.

I am amazed how people can completely change and learn to be better. I too hope that this intoloerance and discrimination and attack on civil rights can be overturned!

I am so glad I threw out my old diaries. I can only begin to imagine what mortifying things I wrote in them.

Thank you for linking to No on Prop 8. I wish more people would just see how ridiculous it is to deny equal rights to people based only on their sexual preferences.

My parents still have almost all of my writing I did as a child. Including middle school journals I kept. I'm too embarrassed to read them.

Thanks for posting that, and about gay rights. As Chris Rock said, "Gay people have every right to be as miserable as everybody else!" (He's joking, of course.)

Haha! I am sorry, but these are funny! Makes me wish I kept a diary when I was younger! At the same time- SO glad I didn't do any such thing because I wouldn't want my teenage self to come back and haunt me. :)
I think the movie Philadelphia was a big light bulb moment for my little conservative self, too!

More diary entries, okay? Funny stuff!

Thank-you for being brave enough to share that.

I threw out most of my journals. Mine weren't quite as deep as yours--more along the lines of "I think so and so looked at me" or "I hate so and so--she is such a jerk."

honestly: there is nothing worse than that moment when we re-read our words from our youth & realize "oh my god: i was such a loser!".

it only sucks that sometimes we're normal-adolescent losers and sometimes we're way over-achieving losers with enough battle scars of embarassment to shame the most adjusted, now-normal loser back into childhood.

i remember those days. & i'm so glad they're gone.

Too funny. Now that you remember how biased you used to be, maybe it will help you to be more tolerant of others who are still taking the journey. I must admit that your descriptions in the past of the morman lifestyle convinced me to put Mormans in the 'whacky' category. Recently, though, I have been following the blog of a morman family whose sister and brother-in-law were in a plane crash. http://blog.cjanerun.com/ The way this large, close-knit family has supported each other and the young children of the crash victims through their faith and love has given me a new appreciation for what they believe in and practice in their daily life. It may not be totally what I suscribe to, but whatever gets you through the day--whether it be meds, faith, support of loved ones, etc

Thing I really don't get about Prop 8 is... why do you care (those that support it)? I understand opposition or support for propositions that affect how much you'll pay in taxes, etc. but this one? no affect on you. Your perfect little marriage will still be there, just the same. There was an article in the Sacramento Bee the other day and they were talking about the Mormons around here that are giving up their life savings in support. I am sure they will still make it to the space ship behind the comet regardless of people they don't know get to enjoy the benefits of legal marriage.

As Heather said, it's a civil rights issue. So while we're at it, should we also make their votes only count 3/5ths? make them ride in the front of the bus? squirt them with fire hoses?

Thanks for sharing that. It reminds me of my college years when I was a plaid skirt wearing, Southern Baptist, young Republican. I wish I could time travel back to those days and tell myself to get off my self-righteous high horse. I agree wholeheartedly to No on Prop. 8. We unfortunately passed something similar in Georgia. It passed with a huge margin. I have a feeling I was the only person in my town who voted no.

After reading that - I am glad my mom got kicked out of the Mormon church(for questions some of the beliefs and teachings). Holy Good GOD DAMN, I am happy. Freaks.

One - I'm so glad I never kept a diary when I was a teenager! Two - I still remember how my mother did not want me to go to a particular Christian university because the daughter of a friend from church went there and "became an atheist!" But that's what happens when children leave the protection (and control) of their family and become exposed to new ideas -- they form their own opinions. For me it was the introduction to science fiction writers like Robert Heinlein and Isaac Asimov and a (secular) campus full of people who had different experiences from me. My ideas and beliefs are still changing 30 years later from my continuing exposure to different ideas from different people.

to post #32: the point is that government isn't based on religion. make your own opinions and stick to them-- even if it means passing judgment in the name of a man from cleverly written bedtime stories.

and post #28: people like you are terrifyingly ignorant. it makes me sad that you'll vote. it makes me sad that you'll open your mouth and senseless dribble will leak out of it and possibly contaminate the minds of other people who may not know better. Being gay is NOT a mental illness and even suggesting that should make you feel stupid.

Wow. That took courage. I'm with you--and #18, and #22....

Bon courage, Dooce.

Having a husband who 6 years ago voted republican, paid his tithing,was sealed in the temple..who meet me..liberal from MA,from a biracial background,grew up that gay was normal. These days my husband votes democratic, to the disappointment to his family( we received the go back to church or else letter from his grandparents) we don't go to church and would rather raise our son with morals and spirituality that all people should not just be toleranted but loved for who they are. Oh, needless to say he's not married to the same person he was sealed to..no worries though I don't think we'll end up in the same afterlife as her. And I can proudly say my husband and I voted NO on prop 8 in our mail in ballot. My converted mother on the other hand is having moral issues with it...ya,the same women who told me from early on that same sex relationships are normal and two people regardless of sex should be in a committed relationship..my mother has been brainwashed

To # 28. eouio who said:

Homosexuals should certainly have rights equal to any other human suffering from a mental disorder.

What century do you live in? Seriously. It's incredibly offensive that you wrote that as though people suffering from a mental disorder have less rights than those who aren't, much less that you referred to those born homosexual as a) suffering, and b) suffering from a mental disorder.

You have every right to practice your faith in the way that suits you best. You have no right to impose your beliefs on anyone else: nor does the government. This country was founded on the principle of separation between church and state, so in truth, this can only be a civil issue.

Wow, that was like a flashback of my junior high years when I still feared the Mormon God everyday of my life. Glad that is over! Sadly ,out here in Riverton, most the people I know think just like that. It is enough to make you want to slam your head against the wall after each conversation.

Thank you for linking to this! I think people need to be reminded that this is a civil rights matter. People also need to realize that this is NOT a Christian nation, nor should it be.

There is also a web site, signforsomething.org, it is a web site for mormons, ex-mormons (me) and the general public to write letters to the head of the LDS Church about their envolvement in Prop 8.

So interesting isn't it? Your "enlightened" views at the time are very similar to the interview the church just published with Dallin H. Oaks regarding homosexuality. I guess I should be grateful that they're moving forward- one painful step at a time (maybe the First Presidency should watch Philedelphia eh? Or maybe, they did an that's why they're all "love the sinner hate the sin" an such), but truthfully, it's just offensive.

Yay for crazy. To teach us what it means to be sane.

The argument that religious people are ignorant, intolerant and close-minded (or was it pig-headed?) is ridiculous. You cover yourself well by saying that you're only criticizing yourself and not the religious population at large; however, it's clear to how you feel about religion. Isn't it hypocritical to be intolerant of religion because religion can be intolerant? Seems to be an argument that goes around and around.

The elitist perspective that belief in God is narrow-minded or weak-minded isn't founded. It is pure opinion, as is the religious' folks perspective that faith and hope and their beliefs gives them the right to vote morally.

People who vote for homosexual marriage do it because they believe it is the right thing to do. People who vote against homosexual marriage do it because they believe it is the right thing to do. Doesn't it all come down to beliefs? Whether religious or not?

This is pretty much the best thing ever. No offense, but I am amazed that you seem relatively normal now. :)

Carnal indulgences??
HA!

Oh I died reading that...I really did.
These are impressive entries Heather, I love that you shared them. Awesome!!

I'm happy to see you mentioning Prop 8 here. It's crazy how much your views have changed since college. You seem like a totally different person, the good kind. :)

Just the exhaustive capitalization of Heavenly Father is enough to chase Bossy from formalized religion.

My friend also had journal entries that were put in this book. Actually she was a roommate of mine in College. She also noted that after she reread her journal entries she realized how bitchy she had been and apologized. Funny how silly and ridiculous we were as adolescents or young adults as we thought of ourselves.

Heather, at least you knew what "gay" was at that age. My diaries around that time were full of entries trying to explain why I like hugging girls so darn much.

OMG. That reads like my diary at that time in my life. It is too painful for me to go back and read that stuff, although I'd never throw them out. I swear I wrote with a style that I must have though meant I was the second coming of Virginia Woolf or something. Oh, the embarrassment.

I too grew up in a very conservative (Assembly of God) home and have had my head cracked open by God so that abortion and gay marriage are no longer the black-n-white issues they were. I actually am pro-choice and pro-gay marriage now. And I'm still a Christian. Some would think that's matter/anti-matter combo, but truly, it's not. And they say people can't change! Ha!

Stopped lurking to write a comment--I love your blog. You are crazy in a good way now--posting teenage diary entries?? whoa. Don't know if I want to do that or not, but I have plenty of material stashed in the basement...And like many others, love the hair!

I too have very conservative parents who are wondering where in the hell they went wrong and how did they end up with a damn liberal for a daughter!

Heather, you are a braver woman than I. Never ever ever will I scan and post my pathetic teeny bopper diary entries or a photo of me at age 14 with a highly gelled and very short poodle perm.

Sitting out here in the apostacy that is Bendover, NV, I get excused for being for gay marriage by my Utah County buddies. I'm blinded by neon, dontcha know. (And what's hilarious is that this comment was interrupted by a phonecall from the missionaries.)

My older sister and her GAY, VERY GAY, partner have just purchased a house in Utah County suburbia. Oh I worry about that. But, on the other hand, it could be taken as a sign that things are a changin', even in the land of BYU.

As a Christian I must be really sinning b/c I read your blog. Oh the Horror! How open-minded of me; who would have thunk that a Christian could actually step outside the box?

I may not always agree with you but love your writing. And, FWIW, I don't believe Mormons are Christians. I think its a cult. We may not agree on everything. How boring would that be! But you have helped me in more ways than you know, Heather.

Great writing.

Heather, the Mormons certainly don't have a monopoly on this. Your diary reads like Bible Belt girl stuff. I had a college roommate, a transfer to Small Liberal Arts College from Large Baptist University, who would pray for her lost checkbook instead of look for it.

Why'd she leave "LBU" (NOT Liberty, BTW) ? Little breakdown when she walked in on her "good Christian Boyfriend," so good he'd never "tried anything ungentlemanly" with her, kissing another boy.

She really found the CRAZY.

I'm so very glad you lost it!

Ha, you said "blatant fornication". That's freaking hilarious!

Wow now that is one hell of a picture. This is one of the reasons I have never personally kept a picture of myself. Everyone is crazy in there own way I never took crazy pills but maybe I should be http://pooplatter.com . Without crazy people where would the world be?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It would probably be no where the greatest minds are crazy or insane by definition. Everyone else is more like a social drone going from day to day.

Regarding gay marriage, I once heard someone say:

I don't think the world's biggest problem is two people who love each other so much that they want to spend the rest of their lives together.

That about sums it up.

More than anything I was SUPER DUPERLY proud of the journey you've made. And think it takes a lot of balls to say to the whole entire internet (no pressure) that you were once this and now you're that. It gives me hope that people can change and that the cycle of ignorance doesn't have to continue regardless of background.

Nice hair though. Wow.

My favorite line: "They, too, are human beings with real human emotion and real human moms and dads."

You don't say!!

This is totally hilarious. In 7th grade, I wrote a poem in defense of OJ Simpson. What??

Heather...

I have commented on only a few occasions, usually to remark at your humor or add a few names for a friends dog. But today I had to comment to say that I resonate with your experience with religiosity. I have a deep and abiding faith, but have had to really look at the way that religious culture alienates people and hinders the very idea of community that all "the good books" talk about us entering into... I've come under a good deal of scrutiny for starting to question the assumptions (just yesterday I was blogged about for this reason) and be vocal about the harm many are experiencing at the hands of those who are called to love.

I've journaled since I was 13... my logs of life from then til now have been interesting mile markers to consider as I strive to grow in the years to come. I'm glad you shared yours, I was provoked toward contemplation.

Best of everything,
Michelle

OH. MY. I happened to dig up my diary from 7th grade a few weeks ago, and that was apparently a pretty angsty year. From what I could glean from the scribbled mess, being 5'11" when I was 12 did me no favors in middle school.

I went to high school with a Mormon friend who spent most of his first hour for four years telling me that I was hell-bound if I didn't change my stance on gay rights, abortion, etc. etc. He was pretty pleasant aside from the condemning me constantly thing.

I absolutely love your blog. You give me and my husband plenty of laughs. By the way, we watched the Ben Bernanke video, and it seems that we are a match made in weird heaven.

Listen, everyone who's been bashing comments #11, 28 and 32, obviously you haven't considered the extreme consequences of supporting gay marriage. A conservative commentator made the following excellent argument against gay marriage:

"So if we allow gay marriage, what's to prevent a gay guy from sneaking into my house while I'm asleep and just gay marrying me?"
-Stephen Colbert-

Would you want that to happen to YOU? HMM?

But honestly, we don't take the dangers of anything seriously enough, anymore. Just look at this link: http://www.snopes.com/food/warnings/bread.asp

And I thought bread was safe. Rookie error.

Those entries make me thrilled that I didn't keep a diary.
And also, AZ has one - No on AZ 102, please! There are enough things to hate about this state without adding constitutionalized bigotry.

really interesting insight into your mormon days.

You are so brave to publish the skeletons in your closet. I have been a journaling fiend since 1996 and the crap I wrote back then is so shaming to me sometimes... but I like to see where I have been and it helps me to listen to others and not judge them because they will be different in another year or two. I just love the fact that I am not the only one who delt with THE CRAZY in my life and that we all can gorw up and get over ourselves. Love you and your blog!

This is why I burned my college journal(s) many years ago. I was mortified by some of the shit I wrote. I never kept a journal in high school for fear my brother or sister or parents would find it.
I sometimes wish I had it back, to reread some things, but I'd be mortified all over again and take the same spy-mantra. Destroy all evidence!

Now, I have a blog instead. Hmmm....

Diary entries are hysterical, aren't they? I read mine and just laugh. OTOH....Mormons are NOT hysterical. They are scary!!! My ex-husband was a Mormon. A smoking and drinking Mormom, but a Mormon, nonetheless. While he was cool, his crazy Mormon family was too bizzare for words. I don't miss any of them now....expecially that wacko-family of his! I never want to be near that much weirdness again!

Even when you take religion out of the issue - marriage was never just between 2 people who loved each other. Marriage is between ONE man and ONE woman.

Your journal entries are awesome Heather. Thanks for sharing.

Wow. It is scary how brainwashed you were. I mean, completely and utterly brainwashed...

hahaha! the diary entries from my baptist period are the ones of which i'm most ashamed. the entries were riddled with guilt and self-hatred about the most innocent youthful things, and yet i had zero guilt about the truly hateful opinions i had toward others. it was all regurgitated robot-speak i'd been taught in my youth group. it's amazing how much i have changed, and i like this version of myself a whole lot better. i'm glad i'm not the only one - thanks for sharing!

Heather, I am so with you on having to look back with the same mortification of the world inside my head growing up. I read your blog because I can relate, and because you capture the humor and horror of looking back at who I was, along with the gratefulness of how much clearer I've gotten since. Thanks.

This is a really really good point. My family is all Mormon and (having been born and raised in Utah) I grew up placing stock in ignorant -fear based - beliefs such as this. Gay marriage is just as sacred as straight marriage and anyone that loves someone else enough to want to spend their life with them should be allowed to get married. I don't think that's too much to ask.

I think your last journal entry actually shows that despite your conservative upbringing you were still willing to question the ideals of your faith and not blindly accept them. You should be proud of yourself for thinking about issues larger than you at a time when self-obsession is the norm.

Can I just say, I love you...and that's in a completely sane, heterosexual, admiring way. You make me laugh. And one should never revisit old journal entries without A LOT of wine.

Love the concept of the book!

To be honest, I think you're being too hard on yourself. What I saw in that last entry was that even through your struggles, the CORE of you was there and strong. You had compassion when you were taught to have none. You questioned when you were ordered to obey. Those are things to be proud of.

The "albino raindrops" are kind of inexcusable, though... :P

I love that little girl who wrote these journal entries. She was genuinely struggling with the way she was expected to behave, the world she wanted to believe in and all the contradictions that she faced. It is a very special thing that even today that little girl didn't give up her struggle to be genuine.

During my first date in 9th grade, I was sure that my date was going to try to have sex with me. But I was going to be strong and firmly keep my precious virginity. Poor Andrew. He had no idea who he was dealing with!

Well, Heather, we all know that loving (and here we mean LOVVVVING) a human being of the same sex is the same thing as loving (LOVVVVING) an animal.

You know, kind of like chocolate is the same thing as poop.

11. Kristin said:
"If you take religion out of the equation, THERE IS NO ISSUE."
But for those of us who base our lives and morality on our faith, we cannot take religion out of the equation. It's part of who I am, the thing on which I try and base every choice, every motivation. Telling me to just forget what I believe in regards to this subject is in its own way, intolerant."""""""""""

So much for the constitution, Kristin.

Unfortunately, you have to share this country with people like myself who think your God is full of crap. Keep it out of policy making, because, SURPRISE! Not everybody worships baby Jesus. Some people are Jewish, some are *gasp* Muslim, some are Hindus, some are Sikh, some worship Flying Spaghetti Monster and the only way to work in all of our interests is to keep god out of the laws of this country.

BTW, Heather, Satan and I think you are awesome.

As a young college professor, I have to say that if I ever had a student IN COLLEGE with this worldview, you can bet I would start a blog so I could talk about HOW MUCH CRAZY there is and HOW MUCH IT HURTS.

Thanks for posting these - I could talk a lot of shit about how annoying I was when I was young, goth, and elitist, but I doubt I'd have the ovaries to actually post journal pages to prove it.

You should start a program to send BYU students to LA with prozac and see what happens.

To # 28. eouio who said:

Homosexuals should certainly have rights equal to any other human suffering from a mental disorder.

-----------------------------------------------------------
So......gay people should be free to marry each other then. As far as I know, people with mental health issues are free to marry each other.

OMG - it's amazing to read how much you've changed. I haven't changed nearly that much in my life.

Glad you did though.

It terrifies me that people like eouio (#28) exist. Regardless of how you feel about this issue, that was an ignorant thing to say, and I certainly hope you don't actually speak that way.

Heather,
Wow. That's some crazy alright. Don't beat yourself up over it though... Be grateful that you still have the actual diary to look back on as a reminder of how much you've evolved! I only wish I could do the same... But I shredded and tossed my high school diary after my mother found and read it in its entirety... I vowed never to write in one again...

I just wanted to say this -
"And don't even get me started on the slippery slope end of the argument, because you know the only reason I'm writing this is because I want to legally marry my dogs. Both of them."
MADE.MY.DAY! I will be laughing all my way to the polls when I vote NO ON 8!

I am so glad you mentioned proposition 8. Living in Utah I was wondering when you would. I am still a member of the church (one of those cynical "did they really just tell another praying to find their bunny story from the pulpit" types) and I often struggle with the Mormon culture, but this stuff with prop 8 has been particularly upsetting to me. It has been a non-stop battle with all of my friends since the church stupidly decided to take an official stance on the issue. Seeing these journal entries gives me hope, though... that one day even the most ignorant and naive of my Mormon friends may grow up to be a liberal f-bomb dropping hardcore blogger! Haha

Wow....all this crazy and only a day after learning your middle name is Brooke. YOU ARE BLOWING MY MIND!

I had the shittiest day yesterday, as in something really bad happened to my completely awesome four year old kid, and I just wanted you to know that reading your teenage crazy has just erased all the angst and horror and awful memories of all the stupid things I did and said during those same stupid years in my life*. Which I think is why you shared it in the first place- so, um, thanks for sharing.

*which as someone previously mentioned was a new england sort of gin, sex, and philosophy soaked edition of your whole god/satan thing.

Would people who are against gay "marriage" be in support of eliminating "marriage" from Government's hands entirely and leaving "marriage" to the various religions? What if everyone, gay or straight, filed for a civil union to be recognized by the state. Would that shut the religious freaks up?

I'm so utterly confused by the big deal over a word. As I understand it, gay people want the same rights as straight people insofar as the Government is involved and don't give two shits about whether Heavenly Father or Allah or Jesus approve of their GOVERNMENTAL UNION. And for the record, why the Department of Health has any business in my love life is beyond me...

1 question, 1 comment for you:
1. How have you moved your views so far to the other side over the course of your life? That is remarkable. I know many people with the same kind of crazy views as kids - their views have gotten even more exaggerated as adults.
2. In the last entry it seems like you're exploring an alternate way of thinking. Looks like you're questioning your silly kid ways.

Rachel and Kristin - you both have the right to vote the way you want to. What you do NOT have the right to do, according to the Constitution of this country (which Mormons believe was divinely inspired), is vote to restrict certain civil rights. I fully believe that even if Prop 8 passes, this will soon come in front of the US Supreme Court, and your vote will be determined unconstitutional.

As far as being intolerant - if you are not tolerant of gay marriage, what do you call that?

OMG I adore you. The coolest part about this - not just your hair - but the fact that you're willing to show that one can recover from such complete bullshit such as this and become a normal, productive member of society. I think it's really important that you shared it, even though you know you're going to be slammed by the idiots out there who still actually feel that way.

And now I think we should all take a moment of silence, put our hands over our genitals, and say the Pledge of Allegiance to GLBTQQ of America and those who fornicate, masticate, and marry our children/animals/gay lovers...

(Isn't it weird that my spam comment word was "Temple"?)

Polygamists like Warren Jeffs hurt women and children.

Marrying off a 13 year old to a man chosen for her is wrong. It's rape, child abuse and sexist.

Now, between consenting adults, that is a different story, even if it is completely gross and sexist.

In that last journal entry, I don't see a "ignorant, intolerant, pig-headed adolescent." I see a teenager with a big heart, trying to fit the worldview she learned growing up into the world she's experiencing as an adult. I think it was brave of that young Heather to explore new and kinder thoughts about "homosexuals," given the views she was raised with.

Heather,

I only have one issue with this post, which is really ironic because I am an atheist. I think you and Jon both are really intolerant of people's religion. While I am definitely one who shudders at such beliefs with complete and utter confusion, I don't really go around chastising people for those beliefs. In this post it was a bit unsettling to read you be so hard on yourself for beliefs that you were raised with and much of your family still holds. I think there is a lack of respect in a way for yourself and them there that I'm not sure about.

I know religion can be stifling. It is one of the main reasons I never have ascribed to it myself. But faith and the church give people a footing and a balance much of the time that I do respect. It's just always been my experience that as long as I respect people's choices regarding faith, that they often times respect my choice of not having any. I am surrounded by believers. They all worry for my soul, sure, lol...but not once has any of them treated me as if I was less of a person or ignorant or whatever. I may feel however I feel about what they believe, but I would NEVER ever tell them. I think that is extremely disrespectful.

A good example, my sister in law just lost her son to suicide. Just yesterday, she called me on the phone and told me in depth about how she was reading her Bible for hours, talking to the Holy Spirit and trying her best to not be a sinner. She knows I am an atheist. To hear her say to me that she knew she'd been a sinner her entire life and felt, perhaps, that losing her son was punishment from God...and that she MUST do everything she can do be "good" now or else she'll be kept from ever seeing her son again, was just about the hardest thing I've ever had to sit and listen to. But, I didn't say a word. I affirmed her feeling that she'd been visited by a spirit...either the Holy Ghost or her son. I told her that she would feel him with her...that she would see him again some day. I don't honestly believe these things myself...or at least I admit I don't know...but I would have never EVER told her she was nuts. Maybe she is Heather. Maybe you were. Or maybe, JUST maybe you weren't. No one knows for sure. And no one can or should tell another that they are wrong or stupid or whatever for feeling those things.

Right now that woman is grieving in a way most of us hope to never ever experience...the loss of her child. She hanging on by a thread to just be able to live herself...telling me she felt guilt to even breathe, eat or be happy at all now that he is gone. If she wants me to pray with her, even with my lack of faith, I will get down on my hands and knees and honor her beliefs because I should. I did at his funeral and I will.

I find it hard to figure out if you have any faith at all or you are an atheist yourself, or simply agnostic. All I know is that the Mormon faith really effed you and Jon over in terms of your views on faith and other's views on faith. You guys aren't just miffed...you are pissed. I don't have a reason for my lack of faith. I never was religious...decided I was an atheist at the age of 11 actually.

Anyway, I will have to throw a wrench into your thought that those who oppose Prop 8 must just be religious. Actually I don't oppose it because, well, I'm not a resident of California. They can do whatever they want as far as I'm concerned. I have no prejudices at all against homosexuality, but I don't think it should be mandated legally or otherwise by the government. I think the government has no role in those sorts of things, or rather shouldn't. Not for homosexuals or heterosexuals. I see no reason why it should be part of the government's role in our lives. I guess for legal reasons people want it to be. But I don't think it should be made part of law or any state constitutions or whatever. Once social issues start becoming mandated on either side, you open the door up for mandates on social issues that affect you and me and, well, everyone. Not in our best interest, any of us, no matter what you believe. I know there are those who believe God doesn't "cover" those who are homosexual. But just like the fact that there are those who are conservative versus liberal, Jew versus Muslim, lovers of chocolate versus vanilla...it's all personal opinion. And in this country, at least for now, people have a right to their views. I for one, no matter how much I personally disagree, think that is the way it should be.

You really should look at your view of what tolerance really is. It encompasses more than just someone's sexual preferences. But, of course, that is just my opinion.

Heather,

Thanks. I just made a donation to "No to Prop 8." Your link spurred me to take action on an issue about which I feel strongly too.

Thank you for sharing that. It's embarassing and frustrating to me that I have rights that some of my friends don't. I've happily already cast my vote as NO on Prop 8.

Heather. Your diary entries are freaking hilarious and you must post one a week. Seriously.

It takes a lot of courage to post something like this. You are remarkably honest and open; I wish I were this brave!

You should forgive yourself for being young.

I must add this. Mormons should know better than most people that using the coercion of government to force your beliefs on others is very wrong. That's the very story of how Mormons ended up in Utah in the first place. This isn't just a lesson for Mormons trying to keep down teh ghey. Government is force. Government is violence. Every time you use government for ANYTHING it's with the threat of violence behind it.

ahhhhh...i'm starting to forget my younger years...is that b/c of how bad i remember it to be/think it was, or is it b/c i'm a new mommy/work full time, and my memory is shot? questions, questions, questions. oh...yeah, i have a comment to make: THIS post was awesome. Love the picture, and Leta looks just like the younger you. As for the homosexuality issue, i'm for gay marriage...these type of basic civil rights should be had by all. i just don't get the alternative, but i do try to listen to the opinions of others. sadly, there are a lot of assholes in this world, and i just can not accept any opinion (even if it might be close to right) from someone that thinks they know it all, shove religion down my throat, etc., and generally make a fool of themselves for no good reason, and with no real ability to artiuclate their point if pressed, i.e. too much reliance on b.s. and talking points. gag. i love your blog, and think that you are a gifted writer. i will say, the diff. from the younger you and how you are now (as much as we can learn from what you say on your blog) is amazing. Since i have only been reading for about 4 months or so...i wonder, when did the "switch over" begin?
Best wishes to you and yours.
p.s. What did you think about the debate last night? McCain is such a tool...

That was so painful, I had to put my hands over my eyes and read it through my fingers.

It reminds me of how much I had to struggle over the years with my Crazy, the drugs I had had to take that didn't work, the desperation that maybe nothing would work, the horrible, degrading relationships I had, broken friendships, etc.

I think the part I still grieve about is that I was such a loving, intelligent, compassionate person. But, my heart couldn't take all of the pain and beauty around me. I've heard that if a person could experience all of God's love and light on Earth, they would literally explode - the human body is not capable of enduring it, which is why we have to die first. Odd? Not to me. I think I understand it completely, which is why I have a good relationship with my medication and I choose not to induldge myself emotionally too much. I can't fall off the wall with a 5 yr old daughter. I arm my self with humor as a defense mechanism and strangely, it keeps me level.

Thank you for sharing your life. I'm not sure if you realize the impact you have on our lives, how you had to go through hell to help us heal.

Liar! You would only marry Chuck. Although the artist AKA as Coco is pretty darn cute!

I don't get a sense of regret or anger from what you've posted about your journal entries. Mortification, yes, as you've entitled this post. Amazing how people go on to glean more from the facts you have stated. I admire you for having the courage to go back and read your journals. I pitched mine several moves ago, unread.

Ultra liberal atheist heterosexual here and have been since I lost my (Catholic) religion during my late teens/early 20s. I work with two women who are in their 50s - Christians who mocked Hillary but love Sarah. When California recognized gay marriage, of course one of them was worried about how soon one WILL be able to marry one's dogs. I guess she's concerned about the sanctity of her next marriage, which would be #4.

re: I have no prejudices at all against homosexuality, but I don't think it should be mandated legally or otherwise by the government. I think the government has no role in those sorts of things, or rather shouldn't. Not for homosexuals or heterosexuals. I see no reason why it should be part of the government's role in our lives.

---------------------------------------------------------
This seems to be a good reason to be AGAINST Prop 8, since if it passes, the state constitution would be changed to mandate marriage as only between a man and a woman. If government shouldn't mandate gay marriage, why should they be able to ba nit?

I've been reading your blog for a couple months now, and first off...THANK YOU! Seriously, thank you!!! Living here in the crazy that is Utah, it's nice to see some people escape the church's weird hold! And as one of the former mormon homo's here in Utah, again, just thank you! Your blog is amazing. I've laughed, cried, been inspired to think, etc...

Your penmanship was a treat! No wonder all your teachers loved you.

I don't know about you, but I'm finding some of these comments fairly cringe-worthy.

I was expecting the onslaught of gay-bashers and general haters, but I have to say I'm quite surprised by those individuals who can't understand why Prop 8 would affect non-gay voters. By letting a law infringe on the basic human rights of anyone, whether you agree with their lifestyle or not, you run the risk of one day having your own choices taken from you. Some people are far too myopic to see the bigger picture I guess (and voting based purely on one's own self-interests seems a little...well, selfish, if you ask me).

Not suprising since you currently have the same blind devotion and ferver for the liberal side of things.

Also, nice mom jeans.

It's nice to see that everyone can change over the course of a few years.

eouio - WHOA. You're a complete idiot. Do your research. Homosexuality was removed from the DSM-II in 1986. There's a reason why there have been two additional DSM's developed since then.

It is not a "mental disorder" and for you to imply that a person's rights should be dictated by their condition is not only ignorant, it is uninformed.

There's a reason why it's called "HUMAN RIGHTS." Humans are humans, period, and they all deserve the same rights, legal or moral. Even if homosexuality was a mental disorder (which it is not) should that person be given lesser rights? Last I knew those with - oh let's see, sexual dysfunction, which is in the DSM, and which I suspect you suffer from, could marry and that *is* classified.

You need to get a clue.

You may have been crazy, but you were hot and that's what's really important, you know?

Seriously, thank you for the link. As a Californian Christian, I'm tearing my hair out over this. Just another wrong-headed piece of legislation that has no business even being on the ballot. At least it gives me plenty of excuses to wear my "I'm a Christian and I SUPPORT Gay Marriage," shirt.

Rachel and 197 - There was a complaint about being called "intolerant" because of opposition to gay marriage. I was simply pointing out that someone who is intolerant should own up to it and admit it. Just as I fully admit to being intolerant of anyone who wants to take away someone's constitutionally guaranteed civil rights on religious grounds. I am intolerant of people who think that way, and I would openly carry a big sign or wear a t-shirt that announced as much. I am not ashamed to be intolerant of those ideas any more than I would not be ashamed to admit my intolerance of racism, sexism, or ageism and I would certainly not cry over being called on it.

FYI - The LDS church is the NUMBER ONE supporter of Prop 8. Members are asked every week to canvas and pay beyond their regular old 10% tithes to support this "initiative".

And if we want to talk about slippery slopes, I think it will be interesting to see what happens if the USA follows Europe's lead and becomes more and more Islamic. Will the Christians and Mormons be as accepting of law following religiously derived morals? Or will they cry out for the protections of the Constitution that they are now seeking so actively to destroy??

I really enjoy reading your blog, but now I'm worried Satan is making me read it instead of working.

Kristin, yes, I get you. I was all pro-gay marriage, too, until I realized that marriage as an institution created by God. As a Christian (albeit quite left leaning), this is my reality. Emily, yes this "religious freak" would be quite satisfied if marriage were solely religious and everyone had to apply for civil unions. That would make my life and my stance so much easier.

thank you. I don't think anyone has put it so simply and mathematically before.

I am all for people making their own lifestyle choices. However, I think it's important to remember that most people who favor Prop 8 are not doing so to "persecute" homosexual couples. It is simply unfair to compare that to killing Mormons in the 1800s.

In fact, many who do support Prop 8, myself included, support civil unions and all benefits that come with it (hospital visits, etc.). However, it is impossible to take religion out of marriage, for marriage itself IS a religious institution. It always has been. Civil unions are, as their name implies, civil.

That said, I just want to make clear that I only support Prop 8 because of the fact that homosexual marriage can and does affect individuals outside of the couple, particularly by way of children. If it just involved the couple, it would only be their choice and I wouldn't care. However, it DOES affect others. That's why the government is there - to prevent inviduals from getting in the way of others' rights - and I firmly believe that goes both ways.

I sincerely try to understand different points of view without making them seem simplistic, naive, or stupid, and have been grateful when you've done the same. I hope this helps explain a little bit about why I feel this way - and it's not because I'm cruel, insensitive, or intolerant.

Heather,

First, I love your site - and I met you at Outside Lands (along with hundreds of other people, I am sure). My sister is a blogger as well. : )

I would highly recommend watching the movie "For The Bible Tells Me So," you can get it on Netflix. I too was raised in a conservative Christian home and have since become a liberal on every issue that I was raised to be "against." This movie looks at the conflict of homosexuality and the church and is SO good - I cried watching it because there is a scene where a family goes to Focus on the Family to deliver a letter to James Dobson and they are not allowed inside and are threatened with being arrested, and I was just crying and crying because my Mom works there and I kept thinking, was she inside during that shoot? Anyway, it is an excellent movie and I highly recommend you see it.

Also, check out www.getmortified.com (which you may have already done) - people actually do live shows where they read from their diaries, I've seen them a couple of times in SF and it is HYSTERICAL.

Oh goodness, it's so brave of you to share your embarrassing adolescent ramblings with all the intranets. I could never expose my own. *shivers* Luckily, I burned all mine long ago! My tripe was not worth the wide ruled notebook paper it was loopily scrawled on!

I too wrote some shitty stuff during the Mormon years and had a similar stick up my butt, re: any kind of sexual feeling whatsoever. (I always look suspiciously at the current journal entries, certain that one day I will find them embarrassing as well.) I'm glad I figured out some things before I hurt some good friends in the process.

(One other thing I find kind of funny: we were always told to keep journals as Mormon kids, but my writing was always very sporadic until the advent of the internet. Then I got great at keeping a journal. And um, documenting how I left the church in it. Whee for irony!)

Just because you were a crazy ass mormon, doesn't mean all mormons are or that we are all burning prop. 8. Go mormons. Go gays.

To Sam - did you know that if you openly express your dissent on this issue to the church, that you can be excommunicated? How dare you question your prophet. What kind of Saint are you?

But your handwriting is beyond! It's beyond!

Heatherpants, you are too hard on yourself. Sounds like you were in the beginning stages of working your way out of a religion that you had given yourself to fully, starting to question everything that you held dear. You were doing what you believed to be the right thing, and even when you wrote about what you'd been taught about homosexuality- your immediate reaction was compassion and a red flag went up.

You knew something wasn't right.

I know tons of Christians who have similar feelings about the gay rights issue- they are not bad people. The are just battling with what they've been taught since they were little kids, like "the sky is blue" or "1+1=2". They want to stay true to their faith but they know in their hearts that something is not right.

I'm so glad you posted that last entry. Maybe it will help people who are struggling with the same conflicts and give them the courage to make the right choice when they vote.

I think that fundamentally, every human being has the innate sense that we are all equal. We are ALL God's kids.

i'm sending you a bill for the computer repair and dry cleaning required after snorting an iced soy latte all over my desk after reading about "albino raindrops."

WOW. My mouth hung open at various points for various reasons.

Albino raindrops, ahahaha.
real people with real moms and dads. holy crap. That's deep.

I'm REALLY hoping at this very second that I shredded all of my diaries, but I cannot remember. Oh, the horror.

I wanted to read all the comments, but I stopped at this one: "Homosexuals should certainly have rights equal to any other human suffering from a mental disorder." So homosexuals have mental disorders huh? Speechless.

Long time reader...first time commenter.

As one of "the gays" who took the opportunity to travel to our great friend to the North and get married, I was pleased to see that the sky didn't fall and steam didn't erupt from the sidewalks when my ladyfriend and I said "I do".

So from one of us to one of you, thank you for being the voice of reason. It's a hell of a slap in the face to be told that something so real is fake and that somehow, my love is worth less. And it takes the mighty mighty straight folks to speak up in the face of fairness. Not necessarily because you Want a gay marriage but because it certainly will add a whole new amazing twist to "Bridezillas".

Please more journal entries, please! So great! And it is you in it. It's so great to read how you struggled with Satan and those beliefs. And that you could always write well.

I would buy a memoir about you and LDS.

loved that you shared..somewhere, in my house I have a journal that I kept my senior year in high school and my first two years of college. About 20 years ago I crossed out some crap in it, and left the rest. Of course now, after reading your post, I am thinking I need to FIND that book and get rid of it, lest my child at some point find it and read it. If she does, she will think she has permission to do anything she wants, like drink, lose her virginity or steal orange highway cones.
Now that I am a responsible adult I can't have that happen.

Even though I can see what makes you cringe over that last entry I think there's something really beautiful about it. It lets us see the open minded woman you are now first trying to fight her way out of a very close minded and oppressive upbringing. Being familiar with your current politics and beliefs, this made me smile. It's a little glimmer of the wonderful woman you would become.

Holy christ, #28! "Homosexuals should certainly have rights equal to any other human suffering from a mental disorder."

First of all, I can't believe that someone who thinks that way has any interest in reading you, dooce.

And to #28, you're damn right. Humans with mental disorders are allowed to marry whomever they want. So it seems like we're all on the same side, aren't we?

To #169: Kristin, if your ONLY concern is how gay marriage affects the "population economically" then you should be voting no on 8. The bill itself admits that the cost to taxpayers is negligable at best and they actually estimate an INCREASE in tourist revenue from all the people who would travel here to get married.

Heather, it makes me so happy to know that it's possible for people to genuinely change their minds on these issues. Oh, and you also made me really grateful I never kept a diary.

I have really enjoyed the no on prop 8 videos on youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVRPdQB5BCs

They are formated like those PC vs Mac commercials and are hilarious!

NO ON PROP 8!!!!!!

Thanks for the little jab at the phrase "slippery slope" I am so SO sick of it.

Jesus, do you think you had enough HAIR? eiy yeiy yeiy.

I read all these comments and everyone seems think in terms of black and white, republican or democrat, atheist or christian... there are a lot of people out there that vote democrat sometimes and rebuplican other times depending on the candidate, and how about a christian that loves everyone (including gay people) and doesn't let just two issues (abortion and gay rights) affect their vote? I hear way too much judgment on both sides. But I do appreciate the thought provoking entry... and thank you Heather for being brave enough to post your journal!

Hoo boy Heather, I recognize so much of my former self in your former self. I'm glad you are raising your child in a loving, accepting home.

No 8, no on hate.

It's amazing how much our adult views sometimes differ from our upbringing, isn't it?

I still have a lot of my old journals too, but I'd never have the guts to post any of it lol

I'm with you on Prop 8. Glad you're linking - you have a loud voice.

The Mormon thing... I live in Alpine, UT - am not LDS, and struggle with finding balance here. Please tell me not all of my neighbors and friends who are sending their kids to BYU aren't like your journal entries. I've read the Book of Mo twice (just to learn about my peeps down here) and am able to politely discourage those who are concerned for my lost soul. Your journal entries don't help my effort in acceptance of my neighbors and not judging. Complicated.

No on Prop 8. That's what's important.

Holy shit that's funny.

So how does one get over having such feelings? I don't recall changing my attitudes or politics that much since my teenage years. How did you do it?

That last entry was good. Why'd you disapprove of it?

Wow! First off I love your site. I can't understand why people (haters) who don't like your site, don't agree with what you say will post comments here. It seems fitting since so much of what's been said back and forth on the comments are about tolerance/intolerance. I just really find it ironic that people who have an opinion that's the polar opposite of yours have a forum via your website to discuss this. And that my friends is tolerance.

It's amazing how much your mindset can change. Thank the gods yours did. How scary is it to think that there are grown ass men and woman walking around thinking that way right now.

I thought I was going to marry Chuck! Please don't take my man. You can keep Coco...

p.s. I'm glad you're normal, now. Whew!

You're right. Someone should kick Heather of the past's teeth in.

Officerlove, what you're not getting is that no one is going to make you marry a gay person. No one is imposing their beliefs "on" you. They are not seeking to take away your heterosexual marriage, force you to attend a gay marriage ceremony, or turn your kids gay. What the fundamentalist religious communities are trying to do is actively take a right away. Should religions have had the right to say "God doesn't approve of interracial marriage, so stop imposing on us your belief that a black person and a white person can get married!!"??

I'm gay, and I find it galling that people concern themselves with who I want to marry.

But I'm entirely willing to sacrifice my fundamental human rights and those of homos everywhere if it will keep Chuck and Coco from having to marry you. And if that doesn't work, you'd better make sure to keep the "speak now or forever hold your peace" bit out of the ceremony because if you don't, I'm going to show up and object. Vociferously.

I remember not having much of an opinion when I was a teenager. My daughter is 14 and is very passionate and opinionated about a lot of things and I love that about her. Who knows what she will be like when she is an old jaded Mom like me.

I think we shouldn't judge ourselves too much in our developing years, because we are still "developing". I think journaling is a great exercise no matter what your age or mental state.

As for Rob #127...you tuned in and no one forces you to read this site. As for #Kim #259...very Roblike. I hope neither one of you has children.

You were a great writer back then too! I too took the journey of discovering what I choose to believe. I did this in accordance with my morals and values instead of blindly adopting that of my parents or church. It wasn't easy. There was the "fear" of going to hell. I am still a Christian, but a liberal one.

Marriage
- historically an arranged financial transaction/peace agreement. Later becomes a sacrament in the Christian faith. Then in medival times enters "romantic love".

Other religous and legal issues with marriage now and in history
- Orthodox Jews do not recognize inter-faith marriages. Inter-faith Jewish marriages aren't allowed in Isreal. Inter-racial marriages in the US used to be illegal.

So really, when it comes to marriage, it is what you want it to be depending on your religion or culture - arranged, contractual, religious, gay or straight.

You were the scary kind of cult member...I MEAN good little Mormon girl my parents always wish I'd become.
Yikes.