Holy crap, Heather. Was your hair REALLY that long?? That was all I could think about as I was reading your journal entries.

Love to see how much you have changed your thoughts and beliefs over the years. I love the way you write--you even had the same style back then!

I enjoy your site and read it every day!

This is amazing and not unlike much of what I was writing in my diary at the time but with less Satan. (It's like you were the church lady with all those references to Satan).

One of these days I have to get the courage to share my own journal entries. I burned the one's from junior high and high school much to my chagrin but still I was just as clueless in college but had matured enough to realize I wasn't going to marry Joe McIntyre. Anyway, I have one particularly cringe worthy entry after seeing Schindler's List.

Growing up over here in the Northeast I truly led a sheltered life... I had no idea that people even THOUGHT THAT WAY until I went to college. But perhaps I was too busy smoking pot and drinking beer and discussing Herman Hesse and other authors I can't remember very well with my friends- some of whom were homosexual or even Jews. I am glad you escaped from that world, Heather.

This makes me very glad I burned all of my diaries...

"If you take religion out of the equation, THERE IS NO ISSUE."

But for those of us who base our lives and morality on our faith, we cannot take religion out of the equation. It's part of who I am, the thing on which I try and base every choice, every motivation. Telling me to just forget what I believe in regards to this subject is in its own way, intolerant.

What? Who would have thought that liberal Heather was such a conservative God-fearing Christian?!?

Early writing skills very impressive.
High courage to share this.
Everyone matures over time.
Thought provoking - "Your God" & "My God"

Thanks Again

Thank you. I grew up in California -- my folks still live there -- and I'll be returning someday.

With, God and voters willing, my future wife.

Right on.

THAT was incredible.

My favorite line. "They [homosexuals], too, are human beings with real human emotion and real human moms and dads."

Hi Heather,

Thanks for this post. As the lesbian daughter of lesbian parents, raised in Utah, the issue of gay marriage hits close to home. I (obviously) wasn't raised LDS, and have no true capacity to understand where they are coming from. Oh, the irony to be found in this--not too long ago, they were persecuted for their choices, and now here we are seeing the church foster and spread a very similar persecutory message.

I know you have a lot of readers, so I'd just like to say--two of my moms, and their beautiful son and daughter, live in California. One of these moms is working every single day to prevent Prop 8 from passing. To all the readers, please initiate conversations with all of your California voting friends and family, so that in 19 days, my siblings will know that their parent's 15 year relationship is supported. Thank you!

ps--seeing how charming your dogs are, I'd marry them too!

I cringe whenever I think of the person I was in my teenage years. Thankfully I don't have a journal/diary to look back and read through. But when I remember some of the ideas I had back before the age of reason and before leaving the church, I want to travel back in time just to kick the shit out of myself.

Thanks, Heather. I think you're right- that the issue is entirely based on faith, and if we really are going to have a separation of church and state in our society, which is no more biased to one religion than another, then this is a nonissue.

Not to mention, if you don't believe in gay marriage, don't have one! End of story.

Nevermind the diary content, your hair was FABULOUS!

"No, really. SOMEONE HIT HER. I cannot believe that I actually wrote such bullshit, and this should prove that whenever I make fun of Mormons, I'm just making fun of the Mormon that I was, the ignorant, intolerant, pig-headed adolescent who needed a big one up her pooper."

Okay, right about there, that's when I laughed out loud and shot coffee out my nose!

Takes guts to go back over the pages, takes guts to reveal, and just imagine what an amazingly tolerant child you are raising!

Rock on, Heather!

at least you had nice handwriting.

I just recently threw out all of my diaries from high school. So very very glad that I did too. It was before the crazy meds for me too.

My god says gays should marry. She says so, so it must be true.

okay, terrifying as all that 19/20 year old angst is, i wanted to say that your thoughts in the last one were actually pretty interesting. while i don't dig being "tolerated" or the whole "love the sinner, hate the sin" thing, i do like that you were already starting to see the humanity and inherent hypocrisy in what you'd been taught.

and, to kristin, that's what the whole separation of church and state thing is about. taking religion out of our laws. no law can make you recognize a homosexual marriage as "right", only legal. Christ said "give to caesar what is caesar's". this wasn't just referring to taxes, but to the laws that the government imposes. your beliefs are inherent to your life, just as mine are to my life. i would never try to make a law that forbade you from worshipping in the way you believe, so why would you want to make a law that keeps me from expressing my beliefs in the way i see fit?

I don't know if you read my comments (I've never really posted many) or if I'll ever hear back from you. But, again, I want to thank you for your stories on your fight with depression, your experiences in family life, and the world around you. I read this blog and, while I know it does not represent/discuss everything about your...you have been one of the only bloggers that has kept my attention for as many years as you have. Thank you. Your stories resonate.

You look back on your former life and think it was misguided, but it's only because you have different opinions than you do now. I thought your writing and your thought process was good, so you weren't ignorant. You were doing what every college student should do . . . searching out the opinions that you grew up with and figuring out if you really believe them.

Please don't reduce other people's opinions to ignorance, pig-headedness and intolerance. Being a Mormon does not automatically mean that you are any of these things.

1. WHOA.

2. Cool hair! :)

3. Thank Goddess you don't think like that anymore. :)

4. Thanks, as always, for sharing. :)

It is amazing the contrast between your current self and that crazy person! I am still chuckling because it is unbelievable. Glad you really took the time to figure out who YOU were without continuing to accept the beliefs that were being forced upon you. Thanks for sharing!

Wow. Your gay rant made my head spin! Hilarious entries! I can't tell you how amusing it is to read this from you. I had the impression that you were always the rebel. So it gives me hope for a Catholic friend of mine who condemns her own father for his homosexuality!

P.S. What exactly are albino raindrops anyway??

You have made me think about my teenage journals. I can admit to you (and your million readers) that I kept all of the notes my girlfriends wrote me in high school. I too had a little bit of crazy in me. I would be hard-pressed to put my journal entries out there for all to read. I am sure my self-loathing and destructive behavior would speak to many others out there, but don't know if I am fully embraced myself enough to share.

I applaud you and your raw honesty. It is what keeps us all reading. I think I can say with some confidence that you are the kind a person we would all be lucky to have as a friend.

1) This showcases the exact reason why I threw most of my old writing away. Might be worth something some day, you say? Not likely unless I'm paying to keep it all a secret.

2) As for the gay thing, as a proud, card-carrying, able-to-marry who I please, Canadian member, I wish I could start a slow clap but I don't know if that can happen on a blog comment....

P.S. All of Canada has fallen apart as a result of allowing gay marriages. We all just dry hump maple trees and curse a lot not.

LOL! Don't be so hard on yourself. We were all dipshits back then. At least you were questioning everything...something my Southern, conservative father continues to "cringe" at his 34 year old daughter doing.

Wow. i shredded my journals of shame from "those days" so many years ago. "Cringe" is the only name one could give to a compilation of that kind of writing! LOL

#11 Kristin: Our country was born on the premise of religious freedom; separation of church and state. You have your religious freedom and faith but that should not be imposed on anyone else. If I chose one rule from each religion in the United States, we could be a country with a ban on coffee, no electricity or cars, women without voting rights and children running helter skelter because use of birth control sends you straight to hell. Where should we draw the line?

Boy, I have some high school diary entries that are cringe-worthy.

Living in the south (as you once did), the problem I have with all these propositions banning gay marriage and the whole "let the people decide" argument, is that there was a time when, if you had let the people decide, interracial marriages would also have been illegal.

WTF do the people know anyway.

Holy Shit. And I thought MY journal from HS was bad and all it has it crap like, "I like so-and-so." Very lame. I'm glad you've come to your senses because that is some crazy ass shit you wrote.

I would have punched you in the face, but I am very busy wishing someone had punched me in the face at the same age. At that age, I was studing abroad in Italy (awesome), but looking back on my journals from that year, 10 years later, I can do nothing more than cringe in absolute secondhand embarassment for myself. Bless my heart, I was an arse.

Once again, you are amazing!
I have kept journals since I was around 13. I have a huge box of humilation and cringe in my basement. I go back every now and then to look at who I was and how I became the me I am today. Pretty eye-opening and oh so funny.

love the Mormon hair....

Okay. You made me cry. Happy?

It really is as simple as civil rights and taking Religion out of the equation. PERIOD. I *heart* you right now. Your writing makes me smile, makes me cry, makes me laugh. Usually all within the same paragraph. Hey, that kinda rhymes...

i think your awesome..... and it was pretty cool that you even shared that with us. hey, don't feel too bad. we all have narrow (well, most of us) veiws when we are younger and have no idea how this world works (hell, sometimes i still don't know)- oh yea... can't BELIEVE your hair was soooo long- beautiful though!!

Don't worry Heather, pretty much all Christians are crazy. Hey, at least you recognized your craziness and got help

Oh my...those diary entries remind me of myself when I was still a "good christian girl" in high school and part of college...*shudder* As George Carlin put it, "I left the church when I reached the age of reason".

What scares me is that there are people out there (some one which have posted comments to this blog entry) who don't grow out of the awkward, I-know-everything, My God before your God social deformity.

It's just sad and annoying.

I was raised conservative Christian as well (Baptist), and, luckily, I did not keep a journal during the most embarrassing years of my UTTER ACCEPTANCE of everything that was being yelled at me from the pulpit.

The gay marriage issue is the number one reason I became such an "extreme liberal," as my mom likes to say, in my years since college. Last night in the debate McCain said that education (education? what the hell was he talking about? did I miss something here?) is the civil rights issue of our time, but I have to disagree. I believe it is gay marriage. And I wish some damn politician would out already and say "Gay marriage? OF COURSE I support gay marriage!" Because thirty years from now, I think you'll be hard pressed to find any politician who doesn't.

Which means Joe Biden is going to be mighty embarrassed that he agreed with Sarah Palin at the VP debate. Oh, Joe. It's okay to be progressive when the rights of human beings are at stake. I promise.

But. I suppose the problem is marriage itself, which has always been a religious institution. Which means it's almost impossible to take religion out of the equation. Which means you and I are going to have to sit tight just a little bit longer, I'm afraid.

The best, most balanced discussion of the real issues surrounding Prop 8 that I've seen are at

http://gr8prop8deb8.blogspot.com/

If you have a serious interest in this issue, you should read this blog. There's a lot more to it than the gut-reaction that most experience when the topic is brought up.

#11, #28, and #32: Believing your way is the only way is no reason to rock the boat. You know it's against the law to introduce any legislation that gives preference to one religious belief over another, right? You know that the separation of church and state applies to every state in the union, right?

You're not gay, so you won't be getting a gay marriage. And you won't be raising your kids gay, because that's not how it works. And being gay is no longer a mental disorder, Mr. eouio; welcome to 2008, by the way, it was a nice attempt at a backhanded compliment until you forgot that progress has been made since the 60s. And why are you, #32, afraid to stand up for God and write your own name?

Why can't you be content with the knowledge that you are living your life correctly, at least as you understand it? Yes, you need to try to share your love of Jesus with everyone, but deliberately causing or wishing harm on a group of people whose lifestyle you haven't chosen or don't agree with is a decidedly un-Christian thing to do.

Thank you for posting, Heather, I really enjoy your blog and seeing how even when you were 19 the same crazy poet we all know and love was scribbling away.

Albino raindrops was my favorite part!! Oh you are brave for sharing this. I couldn't even read (let alone share) my diary entries from high school/college.

I have many 'recovering Mormons' in my family, including my mom. As much as I respect the religion and the great community it provides, I am SO SO SO SO glad that my mom left the church long before I came in to the picture.

Wow! You have courage for keeping the journals from that time period--I threw all of mine out because the cringe factor was so horribly strong.

I'm a Californian and voting no on 8, I have hopes that it won't pass but I've driven past some homes in my neighborhood that have actually taken the time to make their own, homemade "YES ON 8" signs and this troubles me. That's dedication to a cause. Makes me wonder who is in the closet.

your post was so timely today for me, as I read the ranting and raving letter of my 10 year old daughter this morning that she had written and placed so perfectly into a box of tissues for me to find this morning. So, maybe I'll just hang onto this little gem so that when she's 30 or so, I'll show it to her and we can both laugh!

Yay for marriage equality!! THANK YOU for linking to No on Prop 8.

Ben #51... YOU ARE FUNNY! :) Yay Canada! Maple Trees... oh my! :)

Great picture! I love to read stuff that I wrote when I was younger and sometimes it's good to see that though through different words your voice is still there (you know different topics or choice or words, meanings but the voice is there)

Gay marriage - tough one to pass but unfortunately so tight up with religion...

It would be interesting to write journals entries about it now and see after 30 years or even less what the arguments sound like......probably not very good...

wow. a few observations:

1. even thought the content was different (read scary as hell) your writing style is so similar it is uncanny. It is like the Heather Bizarro world. I like deprogrammed Heather much better

2. teen and college diaries are ramblings of the inner insanity and self importance of people that age. the fact that you outed yourself is kind of cool in a what the hell are you thinking sort of way.

shock value sells so what the hell.

and yes, your hair was amazing.

Your journal entries are classic. Even though I was not a Mormon and did not attend a religious college, there are things I wrote in high school and college that now make me cringe. You never fail to draw the parallels in the universe for us all.

I loved the pic of you by the way, all that beautiful hair. I can just picture Leta looking at it and then addressing you as Princess Mrs. Daddy's Wife . . . followed by an adamant request to never cut her hair again.

Thanks for the No on Prop 8 link.

One word: Religulous.

I think you've nailed it here.

I saw Mortified in San Francisco a year or so ago and my gut hurt from laughing so much, my soul hurt from recognizing the 80's angst so much. I'm THRILLED you are a contributor to the book. Thank you for always sharing yourself!!!

I must say, all things considered, you had quite beautiful hair at that time of your life.

1) So, as always - thank you Heather for your limitless & self-deprecating honesty!! As a daughter of a gay man who spent my high school years in a Baptist school in the South...I have a somewhat unique perspective on the issues. I was always the "liberal" among my friends though so my writings from high school are mortifying in a completely different way =) But I so thank you for your ability to show the transition that we all (hopefully) go through as we enter adulthood and begin questioning what we have been taught in order to learn what we truly believe.

2) Though others have responded to this quite well already, I would like to follow in their footsteps and respond to Kristin:
Separation of church & state is precisely what allows you to embrace your religion so completely. If government were given the right to impose laws based solely on religious precepts or given the right to mandate a national religion - this would infringe upon your religious rights, as there is no guarantee that the government's religion would match your faith. You, as a result of free will, choose to believe in your faith, just as everyone else has been given that same choice to make - and it is not one that the government can or should make for you.

I'm pretty much of the opinion that if you remove religion from MOST issues, they would no longer be issue.

But to so clearly display to us that you overcame The Crazy and The Religion, and actually experienced growth only serves to remove the idea that you are NOT like the characters on TV who never evolve or become better people.

Thanks for bursting my bubble. Seriously.

I was reading some of my teen diaries while packing for a move, and one entry about an argument I'd had with a high school friend made me laugh out loud. I wrote, "I will NEVER forget what Amelia did to me." Of course I had no recollection of the incident. Oh, THE DRAMA.

I was almost too astonished by the albino raindrops to keep reading. Bless your young heart, you must have been so pleased with the imagery. If I'd kept a diary at that age, I'd be keeping it to myself now, so congratulations for sharing it and letting us raise our eyebrows for one reason or another.

And not all Christians think that homosexuality is a sin. Some of us are a bit bemused that so many who hold a religious faith are so interested in other people's sex lives and sexuality. I'm as annoyed by Christians who profess to speak in my name as by those who hate Christianity on principle, as if it matters to them what I believe.

And the hair, gosh, the hair. I feel strangely jealous.

I wrote terrible things in high school, too. I wouldn't have the nerve to publish mine.

I scrolled back up to find the handwritten words "blatant fornication." :)

I used to be a right-wing fundie. Even went to a QUAKER high-school. When I first stepped out into the real world (college!) I met a new group of friends. One of them asked me what I thought about gay people. I TOTALLY knew the answer to this one! Jumped right up onto my soap box and started spouting off the lines my teachers 'n' preachers taught me to say. Felt good, felt all self-righteous, right up until the point when one of the guys burst into tears and walked away.

There was a bit of awkward silence before someone blurted out, "He's gay."

Right then and there I reexamined what I'd been taught. Homosexuals weren't evil, weren't "of the devil", they were real honest-to-gosh people just like me. I'm pretty sure that was the point when I started to realize that being a christian wasn't for me. If I couldn't love ALL people, no matter what, I didn't want to be a part of it.

xoxo
katrina

Kristen - your religion should not dictate if other people can marry each other or not.
Your religion can tell you not to be gay but it can't tell someone else.

Awesome post. Your website is as much part of my day as brushing my teeth or needing to pee.

Entertaining as always and thanks for supporting my right to marry.

OOOOH! But what made Karen an agent of Satan?

I like to imagine her with one of those McDonald's-size lattes in one hand and a crack pipe in the other.

There is no way that is your real hair...there is no way that could be anyone's real hair??? is it???

Actually, the essential you hasn't changed. Many people slog through the years without thinking much about how to apply the principles of right and wrong to what they do in their daily lives. Your old journals show that you were always a critical thinker who struggled to incorporate your beliefs into your actions, and who used writing as a tool to figure it all out.

You're still doing that. It's just that along the way, your beliefs became bigger and kinder, and your writing began to allow you the room to laugh--at yourself first--so many people can't--so that your laughter at the foibles of others would be the laughter of commiseration, not mockery.

Hey #71...stereotype much? Way to show how open minded you are!

I am sure you are going to have some smart response but here goes anyway: You don’t agree with your former church any more, GET OVER IT! Move on, get a life, make your own decisions stop living in the past. Are you so desperate to sell this site that you feel the only way you can get readers is to continue to bash religion? What a unique idea!

Are we supposed to feel sorry for you because your church ruined your life? Wait maybe it was your severely deranged parents that totally ruined your life?

Last time I looked you travel the US, have a nice house, and really aren’t suffering for anything you want. Poor, poor Heather. I wish I could sit at home all day and spend 2 hours a day writing a blog entry and drive my kids to school and pick them up every day.

I laugh at all the commercialism on this site...how many things are for sale? And yet you are not selling out, you are just keeping it real, its all about a Mom who suffers with depression and finds a way to cope right? HA! You sure have a tough life with 1 kid and that terrible church that mercilessly persecutes you EVERY DAY. And oh that horrible snow, I am sorry dear princess that the weather isn't 80 and sunny every day. How do you survive? Oh the horror of going shopping with 1 child. How do you manage!?!? Have you hired help yet? Someone to clean your house or watch your child so you can have some 'alone' time?

The only real thing about this site is that it pays for your very comfortable life.

Now I am sure your ‘fans’ will flock to your defense. They will tell you how perfect you are and how stupid this post is. Gee, you could call that the church of Heather and maybe get classified as a charity! Oh speaking of which, its so noble of you to give $20 to a homeless person. That totally makes you a philanthropist! Why don’t you use some of your power as a web persona to create a charity to help Mothers who are experiencing the same issues you do? Or are you too busy designing the next product to sell on your site?

Now lets hear all about how you know how tough real life is because you lived in LA and got fired once……

Once upon a time there lived a princess…….

This is ENLIGHTENING.

Look what a big girl you've grown up into, Heather. I only know you from Dooce, but what a difference.

It makes me feel like there is hope and promise for some of those who still may feel this way.

Rock your vote, America and get some change goin' on down there.

signed a friendly canadian, sue

Bravo! Although I must say you have probably changed more than most, it is great that you can look back on your college self/experiences and laugh. As a completely new reader and non-follower of your writing, I must say that I really enjoyed this.

PS: Whatever did you do with all your luscious locks of hair? Was it cut off in one fell swoop or gradually over time? I am curious...is there a story lurking in that hair?

I just really want to marry albino raindrops now.

#11

There is a seperation between church and state. Plain and simple. Why this is even a question at this point in time is mind blowing. Since when did a religion dictate one's civil liberties?

I love hearing from straight people who really care about this problem. I think if even half the people who say "I don't really care if gay people want to get married, what does it matter to me?" would get up the gumption to care a little that we CAN'T, this issue would be settled rather quickly.

So glad that you mentioned Prop 8 and the fact that it is a civil rights issue. It deserves more attention in that matter, and you are certainly one to get it!