• Anonymous

    Why is someone trying to promote “the bloggess” on here?
    she` s trying to get readers because her blog sucks.
    And this post , not so good.

  • Anonymous

    Holy shit they have wayyyyyy too much time on their hands .

  • http://www.skinnysara.com/ Sara

    I can’t believe you would post something so vitriolic where CHILDREN could read it.


  • Valerie

    ummmm … am I the only one who thinks this is Jon?!

  • Ashley

    That was the most amazing email I have ever laid my eyes on!!! I nearly pissed my pants I was laughing so hard. Bravo Headless Anti-Vaccination Germanic Pioneer, BRAVO!

  • EmilyF

    Wow. A masterpiece.

  • Anonymous

    By posting a comment (#432) obviously headless reader wanted to draw traffic to her blog. Pretty lame, really. But even more pitiful is the number of MORON commenters who thought this was in any way serious. Does it make you feel good, Dooce, to know you have such an idiotic following??

  • Jentine

    I can only hope to one day become a “portly halfbreed banshee-bull terrier wife”

  • ma2one

    Headless deserves a job, she could be your guest writer.

  • http://www.mythoughtlessramblings.com/ Val

    Absolutely amazing. Nothing else needs to be said. But, I would LOVE to know who wrote it and what inspired he/she to do so! http://www.mythoughtlessramblings.com/

  • Sara

    You should invite the Headless Reader to guest-blog!

  • Sylvia

    I want to thank you for documenting your dealings with Maytag. I don’t have a Maytag in my life, but I have the phone company, satellite company, etc., etc., where I’ve been blown off by some 19-year-old telephone answerer. Possibly the next time I can’t get satisfaction, the said company representative might pause to think . . . “Maybe she has a million followers on Twitter”. Well done!

  • Kristin

    I am TOTALLY using “Hessian Poopeater” next time I need a screen name. I hope he/she doesn’t mind.

  • http://bettycrockerass.blogspot.com/ Jen

    I wonder if the squirrels that lead him/her to the promise land of Utard as read your post to him/her?

  • gina

    Now you’ve got to prepare yourself for the thousands of other wannabes who will try to write similar WTF-ish-ness. Your inbox is gonna get flooded. But this email, this one is simply stunning.

  • http://www.maybebabyblog.com Constance

    Just when I’m at a breaking point with the hate/judgement/stupidity of internet commenters, ready to shed my wasteful hours online and cease reading them full-stop — there is this. I LOVE this. Damn this person for sucking me back into internet land with this shit-fantastic email.

  • http://moville.blogspot.com Mo

    Dear Headless Reader,

    I would feel sorry for you if you didn’t still owe us $473.23 in back rent. Am I gonna hafta cut a bitch?

    ~Blubberface McButtshit Taintlicker, Esq.

  • jeporter

    With your history of sewage problems, I’d be very afraid of this Headless scribe.

  • Anonymous

    HELLOOOO ! THIS IS SATIRE, SARCASM, POKING FUN OF DOOCE AND HER OVERDRAMATIC WRITING STYLE. Yes, it is fricking brilliant and blows anyting that Dooce has done so far out of the water but….. IT’S NOT. IN. ANY. WAY. in her favor

    This is a reader thumping Dooce with her own style of rediculousness.

    I’m really suprised all the followers are all ” this is epic, frickin awesome, best post ever posted” .

    OR have you skipped over the fact, or haven’t stepped back enough to go ” ahhh this is satire AGAINST Dooce” ?

  • Jean

    I wish I was Number 26 just so I could get emails like this.

  • Mia

    Brilliant!! If only more people would laugh instead of flare up and take offense…

  • pix


    greatest. email. ever.

  • http://guiltynoodles.wordpress.com guilty noodles

    The Headless Reader has got to be Mormon.

  • CJ

    How can she read your blog if she’s headless?

  • Aidyl

    To Anonymous #548, why do you keep coming here? Does it make you feel better about yourself to criticize and call people morons? You’re that insecure? That’s pretty pathetic.

  • Becky


  • Peep

    Please tell me that “Headless Reader” has his/her own blog. I could use a read like this every morning just to get me fired up before facing my cubicle hell.

  • Katie Kat

    OH MY… *Standing ovation*

  • Tiffany

    Um, wow. That was impressive. Unfotunately, since they felt the need to unfollow, they will never know that their masterpiece was published. I wonder how much time they spent on that?!

  • http://www.quibbling.net Tiffany

    This might be the most brilliant thing I have ever read. I’m quivering with joy. Indeed… if the Headless Reader has a blog or a Twitter account where their brilliance is regularly on display, I would love to read it. :)

  • http://paddycakepaddycakejakersmom.blogspot.com/ Jodi

    I’d put every penny I had on Black Hockey Jesus! That email totally reads how he writes and I think he rocks!

    Bravo! Very funny!

  • Stephanie

    Unfunny! Unfollow!

    No. Seriously though, that was more weird than humorous. Points for creativity and effort though.

  • Theresa

    Children are reading this? Shouldn’t PARENTS be monitoring what their children look at on the internet and watch on TV? My daughter is only 3 weeks old and I am already monitoring what she looks at on the internet.

  • doobrah

    That was the most psychedelic, avant garde piece of writing I’ve read sober in a looooong time. Brava!

  • http://expatriare.blogspot.com/ Katya

    Did you write it #35? that’s a typical thing someone would say after they anonymously sent such an awesome e-mail.

  • http://emotionalumbrella.com Curiosity

    231 – I wrote the comment on the last post that was in a similar vein, but sadly I had considered writing a full fledged e-mail but decided not to bother. This wasn’t from me.


    …Though I’m now tempted to start a blog detailing the life history of animal-loving religious Europeans missing body parts. Who knew it could have such a following?

  • Heather T

    Oh, sweet Jesus! I feel like I just stepped off of a crazy-ass roller coaster.

  • Dar


  • http://girlyourenotalone.com/ Lauren Taylor

    Someone snorted a mile of cocaine, took OxyContin, washed it down with whiskey, went wild reading a Thesaurus and then emailed you. O..M..G!

    A hundred bucks says a 15 year-old boy wrote this after playing some jacked-up video game.

  • Anonymous

    I wanted to post a comment, until scanning down the page I saw that Peep had expressed my exact same sentiment. So all I can say is ditto Peep!!!!

    300. Peep said:
    Please tell me that “Headless Reader” has his/her own blog. I could use a read like this every morning just to get me fired up before facing my cubicle hell.

    By the way, thanks for the warning about Maytag. We’re currently shopping around for a set as we’ve lived without a washer and dryer since we moved in 2007 and have been doing laundry at the local laundromat. Right now I’m just waiting for the new Duet washers to come out. I hope they will not give me error codes…

  • http://www.booshay.blogspot.com Miz Booshay

    Oh my gosh….

    That is one funny unfollower.

  • Linda Atkins

    Me again. After perusing a few more comments, just wanted to say it’s odd that anyone would say that the author has too much time on her/his hands. (By the way, I don’t think Heather wrote this.) Is there a better use of time than producing a creative work? What should the author have been doing instead? Mopping the floor or reconciling the month-end accounts in her cubicle at the insurance company?

  • Kimberly

    I am sure that the author is none other than Tom Robbins. Brilliant.

  • Sheryl

    Wake me up when the Maytag saga is over…..

  • Khaki

    Will the author please stand up?

  • http://riogringa.typepad.com Rachel

    #473 (Amy) is right on. You’re better than this Dooce! Really. It just reeks of snarky adolescent asshattery. You are clever and wonderful and funny and sweet, and manage to balance the sarcasm and expletives in a way that is still classy. This person doesn’t. Your more discerning readers won’t like this, and they likely didn’t comment here because they clicked out of the site a quarter of the way into the post.

  • Amanda

    Oh. My. God. That is awesome. My husband can’t have read it yet and it it so good I am PRINTING IT OUT to take home to him tonight.

    I was laughing and crying at my desk. Whoops. Good thing it’s almost the end of the day anyway.

    I love you, Headless Reader.

  • Barbara

    I agree with #288!! Let’s do tshirts!!

  • http://kelisa-says.com Kelsey

    It takes all kinds! I have to admit, I’m still trying to figure out the mechanics of being headless and yet still alive…

  • http://adventurekait.com kaitlynsage

    Dear Headless Reader,
    The tale of your trials and travails has moved me deeply. I think I may be in love with you. Please accept this proposal of marriage and a lifetime of headless love.