• http://www.warnerboots.blogspot.com Whitney


    is this person for real? no offense but i wouldve shot myself a long time ago if I was so bad that the church sent me away!


    btw i am reading ‘it sucked and then i cried’ and i haven’t decided if i want kids or not anymore because of the way you so honestly put things! i too come from a mormon family with 21 nieces and nephews and am the only one that has left the church. but thanks so much for your words, opinions and balls to say what you want!

    your newest fan

  • Meg

    Some people take crazy to a whole new and impressive level.

  • HDC

    Wow. Graphic. And vocabulary expanding as well. What a twofer! That, I proclaim, was more informative and thought provoking than the sum total of all that has ever been published in Reader’s Digest. Ever.

  • Anonymous

    Check it out, yo. There’s someone out there smarter than Dooce. SuperFunny.

    I’ve been meaning to ask: Do you ever read Consumer Reports before buying appliances? I wouldn’t touch a Maytag with a 10-foot pole.

  • Stephanie


  • http://www.cosmicnoodles.blogspot.com/ Stephanie Andrews

    I didn’t know Irvine Welsh was a follower… right on.

  • http://mommy23monkeys.com Rhea


    I only wish I could ever been so freaking creative…or insane. Not sure which to apply here.

  • Rae

    I’m guessing this is Brian from the former blog “Looky, Daddy”…..or maybe I just miss him that much. Love you too, obviously!

  • Anonymous

    Dooce, You may have well just met your match. Game on.

  • http://www.randomthink.net/ Brian Arnold

    This person isn’t really LDS. They would have properly spelled it out as Latter-day Saint with the lowercase D.

    I can’t believe you’d give such a person public audience on your blog. They’re obviously lying about their faith which is just WRONG!


  • g-dog

    Sorry if this is repetitive – I didn’t read all 557 previous posts before I had to say:
    1. how does someone with no head talk?
    2. she couldn’t read the pamphlet from the Korean due to the aforesaid “lack of head” – so how does she read your blog?
    3. how does someone with no head hear?
    4. how did she know the man of cloth’s face ‘scrunched in disgust”?

    Bother –

  • Anonymous

    I think I have found my new name when I go into witness protection:

    “Blubberface McButtshit Taintlicker Esquire”

  • http://cookingdunkinstyle.blogspot.com/ Cheryl

    Too, fucking…. funny. Whoever wrote that deserves a star, a big ol fucking gold star!

  • Jackie

    Brilliant. Seriously heart headless reader.

  • Khrystan Policarpio

    … WOW. Was someone that bored? That’s hilarious. XD

  • http://habitual.wordpress.com Creature of Habit

    For starters, I’m going to start Googling “headless reader blog” on a regular basis, because I have to go on believing that more of this insane brilliance is out there. It’s outstanding!

    Secondly, I can’t be the only one who is going to have fucking nightmares over the visual images! I’m picturing a headless freak in a Stormtrooper mask on the steps of the big Salt Lake Temple and I’m hearing Friday the 13th music.

    Thirdly, my favorite line is the opening one: “I am a Germanic anti-vaccination Pioneer”. I mean, has a better bit of verbiage been written? EVERY. SINGLE. creative writing class should have that as the opening sentence on the first day of class. And perhaps every indie movie. Sweet Jesus the places that sentence will take you!

    Thank You Dooce, for sharing.

  • Elizabeth

    Ahhhhh (sigh of contentment). What a masterpiece; I can now enjoy my day.

  • http://jenontheedge.wordpress.com Jen on the Edge

    Holy crap! Apparently Lemony Snicket reads this blog!

  • Cory

    An instant classic.

  • Frances

    Why are people concerned about children reading this post on your blog? Why is anyone letting a child read anything on your blog unsupervised? I LOVE dooce.com, but my daughter’s not going to be checking it out aaaaanytime soon unless I show her something specific.

    Oh – and great email, Headless!

  • http://www.ramblingbrooke.com Brooke

    Bravo Headless Reader. That was quite entertaining. I think you need to present yourself, in all of your headless glory. I don’t believe all of that, though. I lived in Germany for two years, and you do not know your w’s from your v’s. I’m currently in Lithuania, and they are even worse (and their alphabet doesn’t even have a W in it…). Anyway, it’s still a wery avesome e-mail.

  • JB

    That. Was. Incredible.

    Well done, Headless Reader!! :D

  • KAY

    WTF?????? Insane!

  • http://hardtobehuman.blogspot.com Amy

    Eleventy billion kinds of awesome. Exclamation point! Why wouldn’t you want a byline on that!?!?

  • njbecho

    I think Hal Incandenza wrote it.

  • http://meegs1982.blogspot.com/ Meegs

    Hilarious! I love it.

    I also love that some of the commenters seem to think that this was written not as a joke, but as an actual “I’m mad and unfollowing you now…” email. Hello people, lets enjoy a good satire when its presented to us!

  • Heather L

    Wow – that is some crazy stuff! I am just curious – if she didn’t have a head, then why did she pack her toothbrush?!

  • http://lulusaysit.com Lulu

    fucking funny is what i say

  • http://www.sohappytobehere.typepad.com Tamara

    i read that email out loud and felt irrationally entitled, empowered and rightfully ridiculous. the email wins. i lose. all is right in the universe.

  • https://www.ninesandquines.typepad.com libby @ ninesandquines

    um….your parents didn’t tell you that you were separated at birth from your identical twin? seriously – she writes just like you do!!! f’ing hysterical!

  • Heather

    A few plot problems but otherwise a marvellous and thought provoking tale

    The moral of this story? Don’t mind your w’s and v’s it’s not worth it.

  • Kate

    aaahhahahahahha this is fucking hilarious. well.. maybe not so much the letter but the comments people have put out there afterwards.. poor headless.. he/she will never know how much entertainment they have given us all..

    292 – fuck. you. with. a. stick. shouldn’t you be monitoring where your children go rather than bitch at people for writing whatever they want to ON THEIR OWN BLOG?

  • http://thecaderchronicles.blogspot.com Hayley

    Two words: FUCKING AWESOME

  • http://uptopdesigns.com Barbara

    Does the dontevenreply.com guy read your blog??

    That was brilliant–still laughing!

  • http://www.yellaphant.com Bridget

    I hope that’s hanging on your refrigerator right now. And forever.

  • Amy

    Zere are no verds. Epic.

  • Laura

    Oh dude…that was EXACTLY what this FOLLOWER needed to read after the week I have just been through. Absolutely fan-freakin-tastic. I wish my husband were here for me to read it to, he’d truly enjoy it.

    Stunning work. This creative writer is quite impressed.

  • KT

    Hilarious! And congrats on the Slate article mention!

  • Sarah

    “I’m a fucking believer, my bitch,”

    Love it. Thank you for sharing!

  • Marnilla

    OMG Does the Headless Germanic Reader have a blog??? I tried headlessgermanicreader.com but to no avail. . .

  • Anonymous

    I enjoy your site, Dooce – but am NOT impressed with this entry. There’s so much more worthwhile, clever, funny, well written blog entries than this. I’m baffled that you and ohters think it’s so terrific. Was sorry I’d wasted time reading it. But to each his/her own.

  • Jennifer

    I think we need to respond to this with a new government program: “Homes for the Headless.” We, as a society, are clearly not taking these poor people into consideration.

    Hang in there, Headless!! May more golden showers of inspiration come your way!!

  • Chelle

    You’ve got to be shitting me! LOL that was great.

  • Jessica

    What in the world!?!?

    Two words for you…wow.

  • http://anatomyofthought.blogspot.com/ Regina

    Ummmmm…..YEAH! What a fabulous crock of shit! I wonder how long this person was willing to pose as headless, cussing, Germanic outcast just to to try to put you in your place? hmmm…scary, but entertaining

  • http://jackandjillputupablog.com/ jill Put Up A Blog

    OMG. Are you not supposed to write anything on your blog? Are you not allowed to talk about your life as you know it because someone out there will have had it worse? If that is the case, this headless person shouldn’t tell their story because there is probably someone out there worse off than them. What a silent boring world that would be.

    I thought we were just chatting and having a good time on dooce =) They are missing out on a lot fun.


  • Anonymous

    For everyone who is still wondering who wrote this follow 432′s link to her blog…I think we may have a winner. I likes me a good piece of satire I do and she doesn’t fail to please.

  • Jessica

    Golden shower of divine inspiration!


  • Mama Anachronism

    Wow. Just wow. That was awesome.

  • Amy

    Ok – this sounds pretty similar to that video you posted ages ago about the ‘Furious Magician’ Ben Bernanke, right? I wonder if it’s them! Whoever wrote this deserves major props – hilarious.