• willthink4wine

    Seriously? This is the funniest post! Sorry, dude. You can’t blame YOUR forgetting to put the car in park on Heather. Nice try though.

  • Maurina

    I think that the fact the Jon must endure the public outing of the Great Pen Fiasco of 2010 is punishment enough for his, erm, little accident.

  • ckilgore

    I can tell you one thing, that man would be finding pens everywhere – and I mean EVERYWHERE – for a good long time.

  • Naturally Carolicious

    This totally sounds like something I would do. My husband has a theory that I move his things just to f with him.

    Do you ever wish you had a TiVo remote for life? Kind of like when I backed into my husband’s new car last year.

  • tracy.dps

    I think that Jon should be awarded a super-fancy trophy, for his superior driving skills!

  • Apey

    How did Leta react to this spectacular event? I hope you get that damn pen back where it belongs before your house burns to the ground. I’m with you Heather, we are here for you to vent!

  • hi kooky

    While I understand the logistics of Jon’s unfortunate freakout (poor guy), I cannot agree that it’s your fault, Heather. You took the pen, yes, but that’s all you did. You did not, um, create a two-car pileup in your garage. He did that. Just stating facts here. Sorry that happened, Jon!

  • Cissyrene

    OMG lol!
    So, what you’re saying is that I can’t say you are equally to blame?
    Ok, then. I would have to say Jon did the worst thing. You misplaced a pen. He caused serious damage to both of your vehicles. Granted it was because of the pen, but on the other hand, he forgot the car was in gear! And THAT is not the pen’s fault.
    Hope you have good car insurance!

  • MissCaron

    This has absolutely NOTHING to do with you! Just because something isn’t in its normal place doesn’t mean you can go all absent-minded like and forget to put your car in park before getting out. This is completely his idiocy. Sorry dude.

  • spokeit

    Heather, you can come over to talk about your husband anytime. I’ll have wine flowing. I’ve got lots of stories about my boss. None of which I can divulge on the Internet. You taught me well.

  • stresso

    And I have to take a side???? Too funny.

    Might I suggest 2 pens in the car?

  • Regan

    Oh dear. Oh..dear. I can understand completely. It would be a complete and utter catastrophe if I took my husband’s nifty pen/stylus from his truck. But I do not think it would end with the car door taken off and etc. So that’s where the oh dear comes in and for that I am so sorry! If Jon is anything like my Jason, then there was probably a lot of yelling. And then Jason would proceed to break something else with his own two hands because he is so frustrated. The one thing that I would argue back is…UH HELLO! WHO LEAVES THE CAR IN REVERSE?? AND with Leta in the car no less? HA! I would have issues with that. I hope your day gets better. I am on your side (;

  • spiderpig

    Yeah, I’m with Jon on this one. You took his pen and messed up his routine. How. Dare. You. Woman. :)

  • Taratory

    Oh jeez. Since I have to take a side, Heather’s got my vote, but Jon has my sympathy. I could imagine myself doing the same…and then searching desperately for someone to blame.

    Um…good thing you have that new HGTV gig to help out with repair costs?!

  • Pandora Has A Box

    God, Heather, you *took* the pen! What did you expect to happen?

    No, seriously, I’m with you on this. I feel really bad for Jon because I’ve had those hiccups myself where my routine got messed with and the order of the universe was COMPLETELY WRONG, OH SO VERY WRONG. But, he can’t blame you, really.

    Also, that would be me and my husband, as I quickly draw out a sketch for an architectural plan and then forget and take the pen.

    However, on the jazz, I take Jon’s side 100%.

  • Ashley_the Accidental Olympian

    I’m taking sides, HEATHER WINS!

    Tell me you took a picture of this.

  • paul1316

    I’m sorry, I’m a bad friend. I laughed both at the end of your story and then when I saw Jon post ‘whatever’

    Give me a few minutes to compose myself and then tell me again. We can pretend the laughing fit never happened and I’ll be all sympathetic and call him a moron and stuff.

    See, I can be a good girlfriend.

    (I’m a 34 yr old man)

  • VegasNative

    I’m really, really sorry you guys, but….

    AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is, without a doubt, the best story I’ve read in a really long time. Heather, you are an amazing comedic writer- I was right there with you the whole time. Jon- sorry, buddy.

    P.S. my recaptcha is “now pebblier”

  • angenaline

    In the Great Pen Debate I choose… Debbie Gibson.

  • Kimberly_

    I’ve never commented before, but this is too good.

    Heather, your offense here is so egregious, so clearly outside the realms of good decision making, that I don’t see how you can doubt you are at fault. But, that John feels such affinity for jazz makes me question his judgment as well.

    I’ll have to take your side on this one.

  • wisa03

    Team Heather! (I feel like we should have t-shirts). Although if Jon restrained himself from placing the blame on the pen until after you expressed your displeasure he gets a little more credit… You’ve got to blame something! Otherwise, you are just the guy who drove one of his cars into his other car.

    That being said, I was once the designated driver and was so focused on not hitting this one tree in their long slanted driveway (where I have parked a thousand times) that I backed my boyfriends car into his brother’s truck.

    And I also once tried so hard not to hit a mustang with my 22 foot trailer that I took off the side of some cheapo-car… maybe a Corolla?

    Maybe I should be on Team Jon after all… but really, we should just consider ourselves lucky our accidents happen at… well, half a kilometre per hour instead of on the streets at say 60. And I would totally blame a spouse for something like that. But I feel bad that I do, so I’m sticking with Team Heather! Sorry, Jon!

  • Nanci

    I’m totally taking Heather’s side. But my parents do the mileage thing, too. What’s up with that?

  • Mialulu

    Had you not put that pen in your purse, the whole accident would never have happend.

    That being said, who does that Jon? Getting out of the car while it is in reverse – WITH A CHILD IN IT???? Jon looses, Heather wins… haha…. so sorry for your accident. When I was a teenager I did something similar… oops. Was that a Jab at Jon!!! soooo sorrry… Well shit happens. Right? At least you didn’t loose a limb in a horrific earthquake like the people in Haiti! Sometimes you just have to put things into perspective. But I do understand your frustration, irritation and need to vent!

  • cstice79

    I hope that if the internet were your girlfriend, she would have a lot more interesting things to tell you about…like what type of porn the president looks at.

    And yeah, totally your fault, because stopping to write milage down once the car is in gear makes PERFECT sense. Because he’s a man. Don’t you know?

  • Beelzebob

    Every action has a consequence. Heather altered a routine by removing the pen. While Heather is not totally responsible for Jon’s mishap she set in motion the series of events that resulted in the car damage. It’s really interesting to pay attention to these small moments in life and track how big an impact such a seemingly small decision can make.

    A simple example is think about the last time you had to look for a item because someone did not put it back in the normal place it usually occupies. The extra seconds it would have taken the displacer to return the item to the commonly accepted location often times causes much more time being lost in the end while someone else looks for said item. It gets especially fun when a person is made to be late while they look for an object that they did not displace. :-)

    When you remove order you get chaos.

  • rivetergirl

    I am a total routine person and could see myself doing exactly the same thing Jon did. But it would still be my fault because I was the one driving the car. Of course, I would have blamed whomever removed the pen and caused me to work outside of my routine zone.

    So, it’s Jon’s fault … but I only begrudgingly admit so.

  • momof8

    Sorry John, Heather totally wins. I have to add, the only person I know who keeps track of mileage like that is my 80 year old dad. There’s probably an iphone ap for that. Sorry to hear about your cars. Would love to hear Leta’s take on the whole thing!

  • Daddy Scratches

    Clearly, I’m with Jon on this one.

    It reminds me of a similar automotive incident my wife and I had.

    (Actually, I wanna be with Jon on this one, because he’s obviously going to be outnumbered here, from a gender perspective (not to mention from a logic and reason perspective), but truthfully? The missing pen does not immunity grant for the catastrophe described herein. Sorry, Jon.)

    PS: I totally side with Jon on the jazz vs. Debbie Gibson debate. Clearly, Heather, you’ve not given “Kind of Blue” a chance. Greatest album of all time. And this from a bona fide ROCKERRRRR.

  • debramac

    Of course, technically, I’m on your side, Dooce, always….You will need lots of love and support if you haven’t already realized that you’re facing two separate deductibles. That part is not even funny. I had my first accident the first day I had my license, so Jon has my most heartfelt sympathy also!

  • kellyfaboo


    There is a lesson to be learned here. Don’t do anything else besides driving while your car is in gear.

    I have trouble with this concept upon occasion, but never this spectacularly.

  • StephAnnee

    Team Heather here, ROFLAO….sounds like something that would happen here…and I would be the one to blame…as DH is great at passing the buck…

  • Becca

    Dear sweet baby Jeebus. thank you that a man (with a peeenus) was driving and did this silly thing and I can now prove to my husband that it’s not just because I have ovaries that i backed into the neighbor’s car…

  • oncogeneheaven

    Oh yes. The house can have shit stacked three feet high on the counters, the kids unfed, Laundry Mountain yet unscaled, and the library books ten weeks overdue.. but a dirty car ranks right up there with puppy boiling on the Man Scale in our house.

    Don’t ever get a hybrid or Jon will turn into one of those Hypermilers. Heck, my husband wants to buy one of those deathtraps just to BECOME a hypermiler.

    Team Heather on this one.

  • jesuisalouette

    OMG, that’s priceless.

    I myself took off my car door once by not closing it when I put the car in reverse. And I was 17. And I took it off with a brick column that stuck out from my parents house.

    My dad figured it out three days later when he finally walked across the street to see why I was parking the car on the wrong side of the street, backwards.

    But I bought myself THREE WHOLE DAYS. And I didn’t even have a pen to blame. Shucks.

  • valerie

    Oh Heather i soooo understand the issue. You see I live with a similar husband. My reaction would have been the same as yours with a little laughter thrown in. Then I would suggest that if the pen is SUCH a big deal that perhaps a chain and an adhesive base affixed to the dashboard should be added to it so that I could never again walk away with it. There, problem solved. Yah right. Sorry Jon. I know your routine was thrown off but dude the car was in gear.

  • Cissyrene

    Haha, I have to agree with whoever said (I can’t find it!) My vote is for Heather, but my sympathy is for Jon.
    I really understand how missing one thing can throw you totally off.

    At least you didn’t get out, lock the door, then realize the car was still running. I did that… TWICE

  • momof8

    Oh no! I spelled Jon’s name wrong! But it’s still his fault.

  • i8cupcakes

    WOW. Just wow. Not JWOWW but regular WOW.

  • SabbyG

    I think a cliche would work really well here: There are no accidents!

    Following the wisdom of this adage, Jon WANTED this to happen, on some level.

    In short, Heather, you are not to blame :)


  • tasarz

    Entirely your fault…or at least that’s what I told myself after my bf left the trunk open, causing it to pop up as I backed into the street. I also forgot the car was in reverse, and proceeded to nearly back into an oncoming car.

  • bwturner

    i understand how jon could be totally thrown off his routine by the MISSING PEN!, but i’m ultimately with heather on this one….so thrown off that he wrecked BOTH cars? that’s hilarious!

  • Sarah C

    I’ll admit I was prepared not to be able to side with you…

    But yes, jazz is awful.

    And wow, so are OC behaviors that result in car damage! Why would you write down the mileage anyway..?

  • cory212

    TEAM HEATHER! Yes, maybe it was annoying that you didn’t put the pen back, but Jon did something dumb and now is looking for someone to blame. We’ve all been there, Jon, but it’s TEAM HEATHER all the way!

  • Arizona Jen

    I’m just glad that he wasn’t too fast in getting out of the car once the door was open! But I’m on the side of a missing pen doesn’t justify two busted-up cars.

  • kittykye

    I’m the person who is just like Jon in this scenario. I know I’d point the blame at my husband for taking the pen out of the car when I’ve just crashed it. He always tells me I’m quick to accuse others for things that I’ve obviously flubbed up on.
    But, even though I can relate, I know that I’m generally the one in the wrong – but it can be so easy to point the finger at someone else for your own mistakes sometimes… it helps you get the frustration out, even if it’s not right.
    I’m sure (if he is still upset about it), that he probably deep down knows it’s his fault for not paying attention – pen there, or not.

  • hammy

    Reminds me of a silly, but not as costly, incident that happened to us recently!

    Story: Husband took the dogs out. One has to be on the leash, the other should be on the long cable we have. My husband just lets her go out without chaining her up. He came in with one dog, but not the other. Nearly 10 minutes later I noticed our patio curtain was open a little so I closed it. Another ten minutes go by and we realize the dog is gone from the yard. The dog that had been left outside without my knowledge. I told him he should have watched her better. His reply? “Well I WAS but you SHUT THE CURTAIN.” Never mind that I had no clue that she was still outside. Never mind that I was dealing with two kids in the morning rush while he was meandering around like a mindless old person who mumbles about mowing grass to no one in particular instead of standing at the door watching the dog. Never mind that he never once, when I closed it, said, “Hey the dog is still outside!” It was MY fault because I closed the curtain.

    Therefore, I’m with Heather. Sorry Jon. You should have paid more attention. :)

  • stephaniefitness

    Love it! Thanks for giving me a good laugh this morning. (Sorry about your cars)

  • calisconsin

    Was dear Leta in the car? ‘Cuz if she was, Jon, you have a lifetime of “remember that time I was in the car, when you got out and left it in reverse” coming. Not that my sister and I do that to my dad or anything. PS…soooo Jon’s fault.

  • stephaniefitness

    PS – definitely Jon’s fault because there should always be more than 1 pen in the car ;)

  • eryn.chandler

    I’m so sorry to be laughing….but the last four paragraphs sent me over the edge.

    my boss just asked me what was so funny

    Me: “read the latest Dooce post. the end.”