• 3xx1xy

    Are you leaving Utah!

  • jen.yaya

    yep, you’re a jerk! c’mon lady! how does this end in you pow-wowing with a billion attorneys?? at least lead us to the part where we meet the tin man!

    (<3 you)

  • musickatt

    THAT’S how you end a post? You just leave us hanging? I demand that you sit down right now and hammer out the rest. Because that what you just did right there? Incredibly cruel and I demand further action on your part.

  • abbyjaye


  • Mrs_Wormwood

    Whaaat?!? I hope you’re moving to the country with the chickens..

  • jon


  • frau cowtown

    Aaack! …and you stop right there… I agree, I’m checking in here tomorrow, don’t let us hang all weekend!

  • faintstarlite

    If it’s a guessing game (which I’d like to believe it is) then I’m going with some kind of a movie deal. Whatever it is – congrats because it’s clearly got you all giddy. :)

  • Sarcasmisgoodforyou

    Daaaaaamn Heather, why you gotta play us like that? I need to know what’s going on, you big tease. I’m hoping for good news for you!

  • mrswilson

    Oh. My. Word.

    Definitely sounds like you need more space.

    I’m hoping this story ends REALLY WELL!

    (Taking phone calls while wedged between the tub and the toilet is too fun though, right?)

  • ekcemama

    For REALZ?! Dammit DOOCE! Part Two better make up for this frustration I’m feeling here.

    No chickens, huh, Jon? But you don’t deny the country comment. Hmmmm. Either way, I love a good House Hunters, so Suzanne Whang it up Heather!!! Cut some blunt bangs and hit this shit!

  • LuckyMama

    Grrrreat…now I’ll be speculating all night, damn you!
    Didn’t you guys just move a year or two ago? And wasn’t that an big upgrade too? Holy ba-jesus! I’m happy to be stuck in one place…though we are cramped too.

  • wordsupmixed
  • Anu

    OMG!! There better be a part 2 tomorrow or else you will have my blood on your hands!!

  • jnudler

    Now Heather, this is just a crapload of crazy leaving us in suspense like that! I have been waiting all day to check the update and finally, when I have a moment to sit down and breathe, I see that you have posted. I got all ready with my coffee and even a cigarette, thinking I will definitely need one after I read the awesomeness that will be the news and you end with this?! I am telling you Heather, I cannot wait for another three days to hear the rest of the story. Now I know you are probably thinking, this woman needs to get a life, but I can promise you I have a very busy and full life. However, I do enjoy hearing that there are other families out there that are as crazy as mine. I am begging you, please finish this off tomorrow!

  • JoanInColorado

    I feel so “out of comment rhythm” since I am most concerned about Chuck getting out of the yard (the house thing sounds interesting too.) I have spent the past 8 months working on concepts to keep my dog, a mutt who stands two feet tall at her shoulder, from climbing our six foot fence like it’s not even there. Every time I’ve been SURE I’m smarter than her, she goes all Houdini on me. So I’m with you on the “I will die if my dog does not get back in the yard” issue. Hello my name is Joan and my dog has not left the yard in four days…

  • errohlfing

    I knew it had to do with your home/living situation….I can’t wait to hear the conclusion!

  • GirlUnscripted

    Oh my word… Can’t wait to hear the rest of the story. The suspense is a killer! Also, not surprised, but very disappointed that Tyrant is gay. Kind of expected it, but I had fallen madly in love with him after the dog walking incident. Ah well, good luck to him with his hairless shirtless lawn boys.

  • kalieris

    It’s gonna be one of those days. First, I get to the end of Kingdom on Hulu, and realize that there were no more episodes after season 3, and I really want to know who Peter’s father was dammit. And just watch Stephen Fry talk some more. And then I finish all of “Pink The Series” on Hulu (Hulu is clearly bad for me), and again there’s only 3 seasons and they end on a cliffhanger.

    And now you.

    This is the universe telling me I need to be more patient, is that it? Live in the moment? Nuts.

  • Candi C

    I’m totally guessing it’s a movie deal or HGTV free remodel for a show deal. I hope it is something grand & will be checking in all day.

  • JulieTheBloggerDotCom

    IF they find me dead from the suspense, my family will blame heather, LOL.

  • Brenna Blue

    Shins?? No. Lady parts? Yes. Come on Heather, do we sound like we are joking around here? Spill it…..Please?

  • curlsz

    what the what? did a giant power surge hit Utah and your computer died along with all electricity rendering it impossible to even finish a sentence?!!!

    Where’s that damn bottle of wine?

  • arishell

    You really know the meaning of the cliffhanger, don’t you?! Don’t even think about taking a break on Friday and leave us hanging until after the Fourth.

  • valerie.hope

    Eff! So first I had to reset my password because somehow I magically forgot it. Then I had to find how to change my password because apparently I can’t read.
    By the time I get to commenting I’m so anxious I trip over my coffee table, I’m kidding- but damn did you really have to leave us hanging like that!

    PS My captcha said “to honduras” – therefore I take it as a sign you all are moving to Honduras.

  • Allie

    Speaking of CHICKENS (Jon!) – Did you guys see the post on Girls Gone Child?


    In summary: You guys should get chickens. Everyone is doing it.

  • jan001

    Oh my god, do I ever know what you mean about “shitting Tuscan” all over everything. It seems like everywhere I look for furniture or accessories, I have my pick: I can go for the Toulouse-Lautrec hookers-who’ve-seen-better-days French whorehouse look… OR… I can have heavy gothic nail-studded neo-dungeon overwrought Mediterranean. I like clean lines, bright, airy, and would have every room in my house done in Art Deco if I could afford it. So the prevailing styles today drive me NUTS!

    You know what else drives me nuts? Having to wait for the rest of this story!! Ack!!!

    (PS: Chuck and Coco are micro-chipped, right?)

  • Jessica Eiden Smedley

    Why do you hate me?

  • Tirzah

    Why why oh why in the world is this a PART ONE?! ARGH! lol You’ve definitely got me intrigued. lol

  • jennisdrinking

    I’m betting on pregnant. Or….moving cross-country? Hmm…Leta was accepted into a super-gifted program in Belgium, perhaps? The possibilities are endless.

  • jennisdrinking

    Maybe a Big Brother/Design crossover thing. HGTV buys you a house, but you become a staple of reality TV- then you get pregnant and the world watches as you experience hormonal rages with the added bonus of having your own personal tyrant in attendance.

  • Sarah D.

    I’m with you on the Tuscan fairy that’s shit all over this state. Sad thing is, these faux finishers are laughing their way to the bank. There’s not one room in my house that’s brown or any shade of brown, and you’d think it’s sacrilege when I have people over to the house and they see COLOR. Then again, I’m not from Utah.

  • apostate

    I bet you’ll get comments for the polygamist remark. I bet people will be even more upset than they were by the pitbull disparagement. :)

  • Tracye

    Are you getting your own reality show cause…

  • Truthful Mommy

    I assuming there is a ginormous Moving on up dream sequence to follow:) Come on Heather….we all want to celebrate the good news but we have no idea what it is. WEll, I think we have a little idea but we need confirmation!Happy Mothering!

  • Gone Fishin

    I had been so good, not nagged or anything. And you do THIS to me? So deflated.

  • Penelope

    Listen, I just finished another Stieg Larsson and NOW THIS?!

    Part Two, please!!

  • filmlady

    OMG OMG OMG OMG kill me now, I LOVE your blog but REALLY?????

  • cory212

    Dude(ooce), this is better than the Twilight series. Part Two stat!!!!!!!!!!

  • Essembee

    I enjoy the suspense! I learned to, after i spent a few days constantly refreshing dooce.com, went away for ONE DAY and when I came back, Marlo had been born.

  • TexasKatie

    Son of a bitch! You can’t leave us hanging!

    Maybe you are moving into a mansion – in Beverly Hills? Or maybe next door to the Gosselins in Central Pennsylvania and you’ll have a reality show, too!

    ;-) Totally joking.

    I cannot WAIT to hear what house you chose, where you will be living, when your reality show show starts. ;-) But this suspense. IS KILLING ME.

  • danioz

    Our collective imagination is groaning here with the possibilities. Post it now! Go on, dare you to!

  • lesliepaige78

    oh dooce! love to read what you write about your life. AND i will be waiting on pins and needles for the conslusion of this story. I really want it to include pics!

    happy 4th

  • doobrah

    I’m with you on the modern. Nothing better. And what up with the 800-day people? Are they into real estate masochism? (Unless, of course, 2% = $400K. I mean, you are wealthier than Oprah by now.) So judging by the previous clues — roomfuls of lawyers — I’m betting you are building a dream home on HGTV’s dime with a series called, oh, maybe, “This New House”?

  • Good Nugget

    I heard that cliffhanger blog posts can cause shingles.

  • Laura Jones

    We ran into something similar to that. The man had built the house and he wouldn’t accept even a penny less than listing value. His real estate agent was so frustrated she cried in front of us and told us the whole story of trying to convince him that since he wasn’t a certified builder it wouldn’t sell for that amount. We’re thinking, whew that was lucky, because who knew what mistakes he made.

    security words: upstairs gained, maybe that’s a good sign for you.

  • eleanorstrousers

    I know how it ends. You are all moving to Pittsburgh to live near me, where you will hire me to talk about books with Leta, and be Marlo’s own Mary Poppins, and Tyrant can date my gay best friend and we can all live happily ever after. And I can quit my dull old office job.

    No? That’s just my deluded fantasy?

    Oh well.

  • Squeetthang

    Ohhh very exciting! Looking forward to part two…but if you extend this out to parts 6 and 7 I will be forced to punch you in the throat. :) LOL

  • stephcampbell

    Nooooooo!! Don’t leave us hanging!! I need more! More Dooce! More Dooce! MORE DOOCE!!

    Sorry…long time follower, now a stay-at-home mom and an overzealous fan with a Dooce account and time to comment. :)

  • Brookelyn Bridge

    Are you moving to Tuscany?