Halfway there
Saturday morning I voluntarily got out of bed at 5 AM to go for a run. "Go for a run." HA! Ha ha. That sounds so innocent. So sweet! If it had a nose I'd pinch it and then rub it on its head while gushing WHO'S THE CUTEST LITTLE GUY WHO?
My training regimen said I had to run 13 miles. Pretty much a half marathon. And since that would take over two hours (THE HELL?) to complete I had to get a head start so that I didn't get caught in the heat. So I strapped on all my gear, so much of it that I might as well have been headed to the moon, and slipped out of the house into the pitch black of the morning. How fucking poetic is that?
Finding a path in this town that doesn't involve giant hills is pretty much impossible, and Saturday morning was no different. I hit a steep patch at mile seven, so I slowed to a walk and took advantage of that moment to eat a goo. Do you know what those are? Goos? They are pretty much what comes out of Satan's ass when he empties his bowels.
No, no. You're a runner who has found a goo that's really tasty and you want me to know about it. No. The chocolate one, right? I tried that one. Satan poop.
I downed that awful goo at mile seven, took a giant swig of water, and turned around. All I had to do was make it back to the house. All I had to do. SO CUTE!
At mile nine I turned my body off. I didn't want to listen to it anymore because I had to hear every second of the four miles ahead of me. And then at mile ten I realized my fatal error: in order to get back to the house I'd have to run three miles straight uphill. DAMMIT, UTAH. You and your gorgeous scenery.
There was no way I was going to make it if I had to do those miles on such an incline, so I decided I'd end the run a few blocks away from my house and then walk home. I kept zig-zagging up a block, down a block, through an alley, up another block, down through a park, the mileage rolling over in slow motion: 12.5 miles, 12.6 miles, 12.7 miles, 12.7 miles, 12.7 miles… OH COME ON.
After several more blocks the GPS told me I'd gone 13.18 miles. Half marathon complete. But when I stopped running my legs almost collapsed. My body switched on, and oh, the pain. Lightning and glass shooting up though my ankles into my butt. When I looked around to see where I was I realized I had to walk a half a mile home. Uphill. And that was the longest, most excruciating half mile I have ever walked. I know, the Mormon Pioneers are not impressed.
You runners are total nutballs.
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Robyn L said:
I did a half marathon in May and thought I was going to DIE. The last half mile is by far the most difficult, and the GOO does not make it any easier!
That said, good for you!! It's a huge accomplishment!! xox
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09.28.11 - 01:29 PM / 1Janice said:
Awesome, totally awesome!!
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09.28.11 - 01:31 PM / 2kristanhoffman said:
Haha. Not gonna lie, I thought this story would end with, "And then I called Jon to come get me." You should be proud of yourself that it didn't!
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09.28.11 - 01:41 PM / 3Schnauzie_Mom said:
Just wait until you are running your race and you hit mile 12 or so. All of those half-marathon runners are turning off for the home stretch while you're just getting into the underbelly of your run:) And you'll be thinking, "God, those were some smart fuckers right there."
Also, Goos totally taste like ass. I prefer the Clif Shot Blocks or the Jelly Belly Endurance beans. More of a fruit snack consistency. Strawberry and fruit punch are delish:)
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09.28.11 - 01:43 PM / 4ChickWhitt said:
I totally would have called a cab
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09.28.11 - 01:50 PM / 5erinL said:
Goo is gross. Try the Clif shot blocks. They have a margarita flavor - pretty good!
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09.28.11 - 01:59 PM / 6Daddy Scratches said:
"I hit a steep patch at mile seven..."
Steep patches at mile seven never bother me. You know, because I never run seven miles. Problem solved.
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09.28.11 - 02:03 PM / 7Mrs Squirrel As... said:
This is why I switched from running to cycling... You can coast sometimes and the food is better.
Most energy gels do taste like ass. If your stomach can handle it, Honey Stingers are actually just honey and Carb Boom in the Apple Cinnamon flavor tastes like apple pie filling to me so I liked those OK.
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09.28.11 - 02:19 PM / 8Tragic Sandwich said:
Congratulations! Oh, and don't worry too much about what the Mormon pioneers think of that last half mile. I'm not an expert in that field of history, but I've never come across anything that tells me that they ran to Utah.
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09.28.11 - 02:21 PM / 9megant8 said:
I feel your pain (literally). Somehow I got roped into running the Army Ten Miler...keep in mind I never run. Ever. Oh and it's in less than two weeks. That's going to be fun.
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09.28.11 - 02:26 PM / 10butterballsssss said:
Hills are good for NYCM. The bridges are not pretty (*ahem* Queensboro) and 5th Avenue's small bumps and the small inclines in CP feel like mountains by the time you get to mile 22 and on. So keep running them proudly.
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09.28.11 - 02:35 PM / 11jules99 said:
I have a friend who skips the Goos and brings plain old honey. She rigs it in little mini sandwich bags then bites off the corner and shoots it. She swears it is 100 times better than Goos, and way cheaper, and does the same basic thing.
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09.28.11 - 02:35 PM / 12HodgePodge said:
seriously, goos? nasty. I do Clif shots in a non-coat-your-mouth-with-ass-taste flavor. strawberry isn't bad. stay away from mocha, unless you don't want to die. also, GU chomps kind of rock. it's like eating gummy bears. assuming you don't have an aversion to gummy bears. i get orange.
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09.28.11 - 02:39 PM / 13uvula_envy said:
I keep misreading Clif shots as Clif snots.
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09.28.11 - 02:51 PM / 14Lauren3 said:
"So I strapped on all my gear, so much of it that I might as well have been headed to the moon..."
I immediately pictured this:
http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore...
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09.28.11 - 02:52 PM / 15civic483 said:
Clif Shot Bloks. Especially cherry/strawberry flavor. You'll never go back to Gu again!
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09.28.11 - 02:59 PM / 16Mama M. said:
Laughing. Out loud. Which is far more profound than "lol'ing".
As someone who has been trying to convince herself how much fun running is...your last sentence summed up my thoughts completely.
Buncha nutballs, those runners are.
Oh, and @Daddy Scratches...THAT cracked me up! I like to say, "Hell, I don't even like to DRIVE 7 miles, much less run it!" (Feel free to insert any number of miles for '7'. Or, let's be honest, city blocks, even.) ;)
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09.28.11 - 03:18 PM / 17Daisy said:
gels are awful. I eat Larabars in bitesize pieces instead and use NUUN for electroyle replacement.
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09.28.11 - 03:26 PM / 18danielletheory said:
so i have been training for my first half marathon ever, and i lurve when you write about running.
nobody had ever told me about the runner lows before you, so thanks for that.
now i am wondering why i want to run 13.2 miles anyways.
anything after 6 miles just makes me feel so crappy, and i have headaches and get really irritable. 3-6 miles and i feel like i could conquer the world. 7-9 (the farthest i have gone) and i hate everything about everyone, all the time.
so should i just give up and appreciate the fact that i can run for an hour and love it? (i am not running a half marathon for an awesome cause like you. just to say i did it).
or do i do it and hate every second of it and then feel sort of proud?
please advise.
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09.28.11 - 03:27 PM / 19Steph Bachman said:
GU comes in a wide variety of flavors (people seem to prefer either chocolate/vanilla-type flavors or fruity-flavors, but not both) and I don't think any of them taste like um, what you said. Personally, however, I prefer "Just Plain," which tastes like Dulce de Leche to me.
AND, this is a little known fact, when you are running low on fuel, everything tastes AWESOMMMME. And the beer after tastes even better.
And wait, there is more! GU is running a good contest on FB this week to win a care package and some of this year's winter flavor - peppermint stick!
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09.28.11 - 03:30 PM / 20mommica said:
No, I don't know what a Goo is. And I think I'll pass on finding out, thankyouverymuch.
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09.28.11 - 03:43 PM / 21ohjennymae said:
i hate gu. i stick with the chomps or gu blocks.
nice work on getting halfway. only 13 to go.
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09.28.11 - 03:44 PM / 22do2na said:
I survived 4 marathons (2 running and 2 rowing) and 1 half ironman triathlon - training with nothing but Gu and Gatorade. God bless those little metal packets of snotty goodness.
The best part of training for endurance races? The chocolate milk directly after a hard workout (for your recovery) and the guilt-free burger and beer later (for your sanity)!
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09.28.11 - 03:51 PM / 23grablejen said:
I'm really curious about your pace. How fast are you running you running your training runs, and what is your goal for the full marathon?
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09.28.11 - 03:52 PM / 24Canadienne29 said:
Gu is pretty gross. I like the Espresso one but I mostly just like the caffeine in it.
The best? Jelly Belly sport beans. Yum!
But yeah, runners are wackadoo.
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09.28.11 - 03:54 PM / 25rosetheearth said:
if you hate goo, try honey stingers. they are like the best gummies you've ever had. i love them for running.
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09.28.11 - 04:27 PM / 26LeahC said:
I have run three marathons and while training for all of them when I got to the end and had 4 miles to go in any training I would say, "Ok you only have 4 miles to go. Anyone can run 4 miles" When I got to mile 22 of the marathon I swear I got a boost because I knew exactly how far I had to go because I had focused on it for so long.
Also agree with the jelly belly sport beans, OR there is one that is like gummy things that are amazing. The are the Gu Chomps. I would give those a try.
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09.28.11 - 04:28 PM / 27kiwib said:
I agree - Gu/Goo is awful stuff. Makes me nauseous. Definitely look into Clif ShotBloks - they're the gummies form of Gu and are delicious and much more palatable! I'm sure there are other brand names for other gummies, too.
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09.28.11 - 04:39 PM / 28tokenblogger said:
Sweetie,
You'd better keep at the hills. Running, then walking when you can't run anymore.
It's the hills that build up your endurance. Endurance is what you really need to work on since you've started training so late.
Oh, and there are hills on the NYC marathon route. HILLS. There used to be a big one right in the middle.
Just sayin'
ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ
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09.28.11 - 04:44 PM / 29suesheeme said:
I hope by now you've had a nice cold shower to heal up your legs. Also, try Jelly Bellies.
and, do you watch The Big C (amazing!)? Thou shalt not attempt feats of massive running proportions until thou hast adequately trained.
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09.28.11 - 05:19 PM / 30