Fire drill

The last three days have been a clumsy stumble through my thoughts and over my feet, and suddenly I’m gripped with almost paralyzing fear. I expected to feel profound sadness, but I didn’t know I’d get this scared. Fear over absolutely nothing and then everything all at once. It’s like a scene in a movie [...]

Eye roller

Last night after everyone finished dinner, we sat around the table and talked about our days. Yes, we still do this, but not because we love our children and want them to have warm memories. No. We do this so that I can write about it here and exploit the idea of parenthood for cash! [...]

Channeling Kansas

Last Wednesday night I was in the kitchen preparing dinner when my mom called the home phone, and can I just run my car off of a bridge for a second? The only reason we have a home phone is because we live in some sort of cellular black hole. If you call my cell [...]

Immature college student stuns local parents

One of Leta’s top two teeth has been loose since Nixon resigned, and stop it right there. If you even think about making a joke about wanting two front teeth for Christmas I’m going to walk you to the door with a cardboard box full of your belongings. Someone discovered a Barney Christmas special on [...]

Finding a problem where there is no problem

This morning as I drove Leta to school I looked in the rear view mirror to see a somber mood twisting the line of her mouth. It seemed much more sinister than a simple pout, so at a stop light I turned around, touched her leg and asked her if she was okay. She stuttered. [...]

Because this was too long for twitter

Leta: “Mom, Dad?” Both of us: “Yes, sweetie?” Leta: “Did maps exist when you were my age?” [HOLY SHIT I'M ONLY 36, NOT 90.] Me: “Yes. Yes they did. But some things have changed since then. When I was your age there was a country in Europe called Czechoslovakia. Now that country is two different [...]

Second grade

Last week Leta started second grade. I just had to let that sink in for a second because the memories I have of holding her in the earliest days of her life and thinking OH MY GOD, HOT POTATO! are distinct. So are the memories of her third year of life where she spent most [...]

The timer starts now

Last night at dinner Marlo became very angry when we would not let her eat a pile of shredded cheese off of the table without utensils or her hands. She just wanted to stick her face in it like a dog. Sadly, this behavior didn’t surprise us because we have turned our back for two [...]

Accelerando

Leta has been taking piano lessons for, what, a month and a half? Wait, scratch that. The both of us have been taking lessons because I’m learning just as much as she is. SHHH! Don’t tell her teacher. Or the police because technically I’m stealing. Or my bishop! GAH! Then I couldn’t take the sacrament [...]

I forgive her for spraying sunscreen all over the floor this morning

Tuesday morning Leta could barely wait to give me my birthday present. I think she may have even been so excited about it that the thought of it woke her up early. Fortunately, seven-year-olds can occupy themselves that early in the morning. They can also dress themselves, brush their own teeth, and pour themselves a [...]