Another dispatch from the Chronicles of Aunt Lola

Yesterday my family gathered at my mother’s house for dinner. Inevitably the topic of bowel movements came up as we sat around the table eating potato salad and ham, a tendency with these people that has caused Jon to refer to them affectionately as The Fecal Family Players. Aunt Lola suddenly blurted out, “Y’all ain’t [...]

The one thing we KNOW she inherited from me

One morning last week Leta woke us up with a piercing scream at 6:30 AM. Usually she wakes up and talks to herself for at least 15 minutes before Jon or I decide which one of us is going to make the first move. It’s basically a game of Chicken where we each try to [...]

This town needs an enema

Recently some of the plumbing issues in this house have been reversed and instead of hearing me yell from the restroom, “JUST GO AWAY. GO. AWAY.” it’s been Jon who’s been trapped in the stall moaning, “NOT GOOD. THIS IS NOT GOOD. NOT. GOOD.” At first we thought we might have eaten a bad avocado, [...]

Email: The No Poop Policy

From: L. Subject: The No Poop Policy I thought you may enjoy this conversation I had with a coworker yesterday. We work in a fairly large [place of employment disguised because no one else should get in trouble for this website] center where the admin department is at the top of the building near…gasp…the employee [...]

Of course my first post of the new year would have to be about this

“How many times did she go poop today?” “Once. Just once.” “I pooped this morning. That makes two of us. How about you? Have you pooped today?” “Nah.” “How long has it been?” “Three days. I know, I know, I KNOW. It’s toxic, just like Britney says.”

Thinking

NOTE TO SELF AND INTERNET: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT eat 20 spicy buffalo wings for dinner when you had very light lunch else you will find you and your accomplice in wing consumption the next morning in separate bathrooms SHITTING YOUR BRAINS OUT while the baby sits on the bed and screams wondering [...]

When the Discovery Channel meets real life

The Republican National Committee is sponsoring a series of ads in Utah that feature God’s voice condemning a candidate for governor for being a Democrat. God quotes the candidate in his booming, omniscient voice, “I am what I am, A DEMOCRAT.” And you can hear the thundering sound of windows being boarded up all over [...]

Every comment should include the word “poop”

So it’s time to talk about some of the good things going on around here in regards to feedback I get from this site because my chi or my energy or whatever is all so negative lately that my four day pooping streak SUDDENLY ENDED. And just let me start by saying that I don’t [...]

Status

Hello, Internet. My name is Heather and my website is the number one search result for “poop in my ass.” Life doesn’t get much better than that.

A Story About Someone Else’s Ass

Last week I had a huge portion of my extended family in town for the wedding of one of my cousins, perhaps The Prettiest Man on Earth. See: