Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Chicago On My Mind and in My Hair

Residents of Chicago are fiercely proud of their winters. Not unlike survivors of natural disasters or chicken pox, these people are united in a common triumph over the most terrible of conflicts. Apparently, winters in the midwest “suck ass” or “fucking bite” or “let’s just say I don’t see your momma shoveling no five feet of snow, bitch.” They will stare at you, agape with blank disgust when your sissy, spoiled Hollywood ass remarks, “Winters in Chicago can’t be that bad.” And just before you say, “What’s the worst that could happen? It gets really cold, boo-fucking-hoo,” these people will seriously contemplate tossing your naked body into a pool of ice and glass. And then they’ll spit on you. I like that about Chicago. People are no nonsense.

My best friend Dawn Clayton will kick your ass. Especially if you try to swindle her into taking an apartment that you say is the exact flip flop of the one she signed a lease for. Just avoid that scenario. At all costs. You see, Dawn is what you might call a “thinker” and her arms are covered in these things you might call “muscles,” what others have referred to as “The Motherfucking Law.” And when she finds out that the apartment IS NOT a flip flop of the apartment she agreed to take, she will proceed to hunt you down, tear your face off, chop it up, process it, and then feed it to her cats as a side dish to meow mix. Dawn doesn’t NEED the bigger kitchen. Dawn doesn’t cook. (what, are you INSANE?) Dawn shops and sleeps and dances in cowboy string bikini panties. She needs the bigger bedroom. And you, My Dear Realtor Creep Cocksmack, deserve to die and to be pooped out the backend of a feisty feline.

Wet heat is very different than dry heat.That’s why I didn’t wear any underwear and why my hair resembled a wet newborn opossum for 5 days. One morning when my hair was scavenging through her garbage, Dawn took a broom to my head and beat the living shit out of me. You should have seen the rage! And from someone who doesn’t eat lamb chops as a way of showing her support for PETA!

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