An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Organza-Wrapped Free Time, With Lavender

One day the endless list of to do’s I’ve scribbled on scraps of cd receipts piled on the vanity and poking out from the refrigerator door will include the self-improvement projects I have so lovingly learned at the exfoliated feet of Martha Stewart:

SHELL MIRROR FRAMES:
Arrange shells on the frame in even rows, using delicate shells such as snails to line the inner edge, full shells such as tulips for the middle row, and flat scallops or cockles to form a fluted border. What vivid imagery! I’ll run out now to cockle and flute!

REVERSIBLE PLACE MATS
Combining a bright color with a muted one, or a plain fabric with a printed one, makes one set of place mats the equivalent of two. Now that’s mathematics! No one can ever accuse Martha of being wasteful.

PHOTO TRIPTYCH
This charming three-picture frame made out of unfinished pine frames, hinges and screws helps you re-create your favorite memories with a sequence of photos. Why didn’t I think of it first?! Three photos instead of one! The logic astounds me.

The list of Good Things goes on, no doubt, and I’ve got volumes of wilting magazines at home to remind me everyday that I fail to realize yet another decorative needlework project. Who has the time to sit down and stitch a fortuny-inspired stenciled table runner?

Tell me Martha! I’ve got a stack of bills the size of a small foreign sedan parked on my collective attention span. There are dishes to wash and then break and then sweep up; dinners to cook and fingers to burn in earnest; liamseyebrows to pluck, and showers to take, and commutes through angry Jewish traffic to navigate. And most importantly — yea, as important as the air I breathe — there are naps to be seized and sucked dry.

I’d like to read a book, maybe take a walk, watch a little hardy semi-nude Fox TV. But all I can think about is, that’s one more strand of emboridery floss I could have threaded through those strawberry-shaped pincushions!

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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