I Want My Demographically Legitimate Music Television

98.32% of the four days I’ve had functioning digital cable I’ve done nothing but eat Grape Nuts and watch MTV2, which according to the rapidly accumulating poundage on my thighs proves that indulging in said subscription is perhaps the worst decision of my adult life, right behind accepting a scholarship to BYU, but there aren’t enough terabytes on this www to cover that disaster here. Let us not digress.

The most significant benefit of digital cable lies between channels 213 and 230 something or other, the bubbling spate of music channels that hearken back to the heyday of MTV, when a music video was a music video and a fully-clothed Martha Quinn would not be caught dead Oopsing or Doing It Again. All music videos, all day, all night, ad nauseam.

You’ve got your MTV2, MTV X, VH1 Classic, VH1 Soul, and other sundry Canadian offerings unworthy of singling out, eh. And herein lies the medium’s most significant disadvantage: MTV operates a veritable monopoly on music television. And whatever good taste � or taste at all for that matter � left in that hoary industry toe-sucking monster shriveled into nothingness the second Carson Daly was allowed to express an opinion.

If MTV refuses to grow up with its audience, refuses to offer the impressionable youth of America something other than Crap Rock ballads with lead singers who try and try but will never sound as good as Eddie Vedder, and trite slo-mo gangstah sequences with the boobs and the butts and the neon pink pasties and that goddamned fish-fucking-eye lens, and the clown metal? clown metal?? life is not a “Poltergeist” movie, please people, I can’t tell Jessica Simpson from Mandy from Christina from a two-bit ho, then I want to know, I really want to know, WHERE IS MY MTV?

Someone please fill that gaping hole in my heart, in your heart, in the heart of a generation who feel abandoned by their once virtuous and dearest friend. We are a thriving demographic with a shitload of expendable income MTV chooses to ignore. Give me indie or give me death.