An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Drunken Lighting Christmas With The Bargain and The Thing

I have a nasty habit of cramming an entire list of things to do into a short four or five hour span, eventually ignoring everything on that list and crawling up into a ball underneath a down comforter on the bathroom floor. I blame it on every inclination I ever learned as a college student:

Postpone, cram, postpone, cram, ignore. Everybody now!

Recently, to the chagrin of my family and the BYU alumni association, I discovered alcohol. In fact, I would go as far to say that alcohol and I have a pretty industrious, mutually beneficial relationship: she makes everything fun for me, and I have vowed one day to introduce her to Utah, the highest per capita ratio of people who need alcohol but don’t have access to it.

Tequila, the Great Human Equalizer�, and Ketel One Vodka in particular have made to do list compilation something of a rollicking gallop through the lilies. A single shot of tequila can fill an entire post-it with errands normally requiring their own sheet of legal paper. With one vodka martini I could feasibly plan out a redecoration of my kitchen ala “This Old House” to be completed in one afternoon.

Sunday afternoon after purchasing, trimming, installing and precariously positioning a Christmas tree � all accomplished under sober circumstances, I might add � The Roommate and I set out to procure a delicious array of decorative paraphernalia for said tree. Beginning with a vodka martini, a cosmopolitan, and a lithe shot of Sauza Tequila Blanco, we hit three, count them THREE bargain stores for cheap red balls of the ornamentary variety. I don’t know how things work in your city, but in LA, bargain stores resemble small packets of the Third World dropped in random patterns over the most eclectic of neighborhoods (think “Friday” starring Ice Cube).

Unfortunately, while alcohol can encourage those muscles required for errand completion, she also tends to relax those key muscles required for decision making. Which is how I explain why we ended up with 600 red ball ornaments, 1200 Life Saver� Spearmint Candy Canes, 17 rolls of Snoopy Does Christmas wrapping paper, and enough icicle lights to decorate the apartment so that it can be seen from the Moon.

You should see The Roommate in his new red Santa Claus jumpsuit we found at the 99 cent store.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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