the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Comments Heard In, Around, and Consequent to the Company Christmas Party Last Evening

“In honor of last night, Ruben ‘Pizza Slinging’ Sandoval is renaming his band ‘Super Human Puker'”

“In case you didn’t get enough of my antics last night, please come see me and my band tonight and I promise I won’t steal the food from your plate and fling it at you.”

“Ruben, put that down… put it down… down!”

“I’ve got a great idea, dudes: Tequila shots.”

“I will be giving a seminar next week called: ‘Holding Your Own…The insiders guide to drinking in moderation and the lost art of pacing.'”

“Dude, why is Lahman wearing a turtleneck?”

“Shut up, you’re gay too?”

“Dude, [Asian database administrator] is passed out. Let’s give him a wedgie.”

“Move the body to the back of the room, away from the line of site of the other customers, please.”

“You got some weed?”

“Ruben, dude, you can’t stand on the table. Or on the bar.”

“Like I was saying, we just need to productize our deliverables so that we can optimize our solution cycles. Why are you looking at me like that?”

“The apex has a synth chip made by Kurzweil, and is the same as found in the TB pinnacle. The chip is very versatile; it has much more patch parameters and in general much more powerful than mass-market oriented cards such as the SB Live.”

“I’m gonna hurl.”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more