An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

I Can’t Get No Hydration

I don’t drink nearly enough water. My parents never taught me about the benefits of maintaining a healthy level of hydration throughout the day, although my mother did help me develop a rather crippling addiction to Diet Coke when I was five.

I don’t really blame my parents for what has now developed into chronic dehydration. It’s not their fault, I know this. They were too busy trying to raise three kids and make money and follow the plan of salvation as laid out by the Mormon Church.

My Dad, however, had plenty of time to trick me into drinking pickle juice disguised as apple juice, seven separate times before my fourth birthday.

I know I should drink more water � who couldn’t have just a bit more water in their diet? But when faced with a choice between a cup of water and a cold Mountain Dew, ten times out of ten I’m going to Do the motherfucking Dew, not because Mountain Dew tastes particularly good � hey oh! � but because Mountain Dew is basically uncut crack in a pee green liquid state. Water is just, well, water.

I guess you could say that I like to get the most bang for my buck. I’ll drink a double vodka martini at the beginning of a party because, heavens to Baby Jesus, I just want to get it over with.

Why sip a couple beers and only flirt with drunkenness? If I’m going to drink, then by all means, I’m going to DRINK. Why should I waste the time, and more importantly, the calories on a useless and utterly vile Miller High Life?

The same holds true for beverages of the non-alcoholic variety. If I’m thirsty it means I’m usually dehydrated, which in turn means I’m probably tired (it’s safe to say that I’m always tired, and that you can find me napping in the parking lot). To quench that thirst and the consequent fatigue, I’m gonna have me a large Diet Coke or a triple shot of espresso, not a trendy little bottle of water, that’s for sure.

And I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, dude, all that alcohol and soda and coffee, like, no wonder I’m dehydrated. You’re thinking a little water might do me some good. And I’m thinking, oh just shut up already.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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