A Few Ways You Might Not Want to Spend a Holiday Weekend

Carry out a successful hit and run:

Back your friend’s Ford Explorer into a Jeep Wrangler that belongs to a large angry woman. She will jump out of the driver’s seat and threaten to kick your � hmm, let’s see, how would she put it � “skinny white ass.” Refuse to get out of the Explorer, fearing that the large angry woman could indeed kick your skinny white ass. Drive away speedily as she threatens, “I’m gonna beat you like you stole something.”

Frighten small children:

Upon entering the women’s restroom at the local Bloomingdale’s department store, spot a diminutive 10 year old boy sitting quietly in the corner of the lounge area. Turn to the boy and reprimand him gently and jokingly, “This is the lady’s room, silly! Boys can’t be in here!” The small child, who wasn’t hurting anything, you old cunt, will jump out of his chair like a firecracker has been ignited in the back of his pants � perhaps a roman candle in this case � race out the door of the bathroom, and proceed to hide behind the pantyhose display case. Follow him to his hiding place and assure him repeatedly, “It’s okay, sweetie. I was just joking. Sometimes I can be a cunt like that.” Ignore the consequent screaming and kicking of little feet.

Bully a bouncer and lose any self-respect you had left after the earlier hit and run:
Push your way through the 15 black-leather-jacketed boy band look-alikes standing in a rough circle around the velvet rope at the entrance to the Hollywood Canteen. Assure the bald bouncer that yes, you are on the list, that you called and confirmed this afternoon. When he refuses to acknowledge that you are standing in front of him, that you are waving your skinny white arms violently in a let-me-in-now type of motion, begin hurling expletives and vitriolic spit. They love this. They love knowing that they can ignore you and shit all over your sense of entitlement. Be sure to let him know that you are on to him. Be sure to let everyone else who’s been standing outside of the club in the cold much longer that you have that you are on to him!