the smell of my desperation has become a stench


Girl A: Hey, did I wake you up?

Girl B: Huh? Um, no. No, I’m awake. I’m totally awake.

Girl A: No you’re not. I woke you up. I’m sorry.

Girl B: No, really. I’m awake. I wasn’t sleeping.

Girl A: Are you sure?

Girl B: Am I sure?

Girl A: Yeah, are you sure you weren’t asleep?

Girl B: Well, do you want the truth?

Girl A: Of course I want the truth! I assumed you were telling the truth.

Girl B: I didn’t necessarily think you wanted the truth.

Girl A: Why would you think that I wouldn’t want the truth?

Girl B: Because I was sleeping and I wasn’t thinking clearly.

Girl A: I knew it! I knew I was going to wake you up.

Girl B: How did you know you were going to wake me up?

Girl A: Because you’re always sleeping. Every time I call you I assume I’m going to wake you up.

Girl B: I am not always sleeping!

Girl A: Yes you are! You talk about it all the time on your website.

Girl B: You read my website? How long have you been reading my website?

Girl A: Oh come on, you know I read your website. Don’t even pretend that you don’t know that I read your website. We all read your website.

Girl B: Who is “we all”?

Girl A: What does that matter? Just admit that you sleep all goddamn day long.

Girl B: But I don’t sleep all goddamn day long, just most of the day. Why do you care anyway?

Girl A: Because I should be able to call you without worrying whether or not I’m going to wake you up.

Girl B: So I shouldn’t sleep, ever? I should stay awake every moment of the day in case you call?

Girl A: Oh shut up. Stop being so dramatic. Save it for your website.

Girl B: This phone call is quickly becoming a drag.

Girl A: Then write it up on your fucking annoy list.

Girl B: Don’t tempt me.

Girl A: Life isn’t a bunch of side bar anecdotes, you know. There’s so much more than that HTML thing. I just get worried about you sometimes. That’s all.

Girl B: Yeah, whatever. So, what’s up? Why did you call?

Girl A: Well, I was wondering if you could put me on your charm list.

Girl B: Do what?

Girl A: I just think it’s time I made the charm list, that’s all.

Girl B: I just think it’s time I start a shit list.

Girl A: Oh, grow up!

Girl B: Oh, shut up!

Girl A: When I look at you I throw up!

Girl B: . . .

Girl A: . . .

Girl B: So, can I use you’re real name?

Girl A: Nah.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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