the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Very Best of the World’s Worst

After watching last night’s premiere of “The Very Best of the World’s Worst Drivers: 2” I tried to figure out what is was about these very best worst drivers that made them the very best, but not really the very best, because the if they really were the very best, wouldn’t they have been featured on “The Very Best of the World’s Worst Drivers: 1” ?

Since I never saw the first part in this riveting two part series, I can’t really say why these very best worst drivers were relegated to “The Very Best of the World’s Worst Drivers: 2” although I think I can say with confidence that because I come from a long line of volatile Southern women, I can pretty much guess what went on in that first episode.

So I’m thinking, since all the drivers on last night’s episode were really just the very most annoying worst drivers, maybe the very best worst drivers who made the cut, who starred in part 1, were the type of drivers who seem to drive badly to the common, boring, law-abiding motorist, but who really are the ones making all the aggressive moves and driving the way everyone else would like to drive but are afraid to.

Like my husband.

My husband is the very best worst driver in the world, and if they made bumper stickers about being proud to be the wife of very best worst driver, I’d be covered in them. I’m a pretty good worst driver, having made my fair share of illegal u-turns using sidewalks, but when it comes to breaking the law with an engine and four wheels, my husband should be serving 25-to-life just for the speed at which he snaked a left turn in front of oncoming traffic this morning.

One of the reasons I married my husband was because of the way he drives, particularly for the way he can maneuver a full-size truck as if it were a wet noodle. I, too, regard double yellow lines as suggestions, and we can both roll through a stop sign with the imperceptible grace of Baryshnikov, but, seriously, the man plays hopscotch with a 3,900 lb vehicle every time he hits the road.

I guess my point is that I’m pretty sure that the drivers who made it into “The Very Best of the World’s Worst Drivers: 1” are probably the very best very worst and all, and that some of them when pulled over for drunk driving and asked if they have any physical ailments that might impair their ability to drive, will respond like the lady last night who said, “Yes, I have five tattoos.” But, really, if they don’t have video of my husband barreling down Los Feliz on only one of four wheels, then they really need to just shut up.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more

SaveSave