the smell of my desperation has become a stench

You Only Get Five

Ok. So. Jon and I were standing out in front of the apartment, waiting for the dog to go pee or something, something that the dog normally does outside the apartment. And while we were waiting we were sort of re-enacting a certain scene from “Moonlight Mile,” a movie we’d just seen the night before.

It’s a really great scene between an actress named Ellen Pompeo and Jake Gyllenhaal, whom we shall note is on my Five Fame Fuckers list allowed between any two people in a committed relationship.

And let me just take a moment to explain the Five Fame Fuckers list for those of you who don’t already have one: if you’re in a committed relationship, you’re allowed to compile a list of five people you’d like to sleep with, but the people on the list not only have to be celebrities, they also have to be celebrities you don’t know or wouldn’t ever happen to bump into, even in the most remote social situation. To make things fair, the person you’re in the committed relationship with gets to compile his/her own list. So, if you don’t have one, please do us all a favor and get one.

Although the details of this list really have nothing to do with this story, I’ll just go ahead and tell you my list as of today, this moment, as I am writing this, is as follows, in no particular order:

1. Jake Gyllenhaal
2. Ed O’Brien
3. Clive Owen
4. Benecio Del Toro
5. Brad Pitt

Now, before you go all rolling your eyes about the Brad Pitt thing, just be glad I didn’t include James Gandolfini, because I was this close to including James Gandolfini.

So Jon and I were standing there, miming this scene from Moonlight Mile — and have I mentioned just how scrumptious Jake Gyllenhaal looks in this movie, with the doe eyes and the buttery, knobby shoulders? — when this really expensive, sooooped up Lincoln Navigator pulls up, and it’s filled with people.

And the guy driving the Lincoln Navigator rolls down the window and he says, “Hey, excuse me, do you guys live around here? We’re doing a scavenger hunt and we’re wondering if you could help us out.” Now, I have to admit, I never thought I’d be approached in LA to help out with a scavenger hunt. In fact, I thought scavenger hunts were strictly a part of Mormon culture, something old, single Mormons did to meet and mix with other older, single Mormons.

But apparently, even people in LA who don’t look old, single or Mormon go scavenger hunting. So Jon and I are like, “Yes, we live around here, what do you need?” And he was like, “We need to take a picture of ourselves standing in someone else’s kitchen.” Now, Jon and I both used to be Mormon, so we know that that’s a stupid thing to have on a scavenger hunting list. If they had said, “We need to take a picture of ourselves naked in someone else’s kitchen sink, we would have more readily negotiated the terms of entry into our apartment.

So Jon says, “Nah, you know, we have an NDA on our kitchen,” thinking, I’m not letting this Netscape Navigator-driving idiot who obviously knows nothing about scavenger hunting anywhere near my home. But the guy is really persistent, using several, “Oh, come on’s” and “We’ll only be a second’s.”

And in the meantime, Chuck is going bananas, his tail wagging like a crazed propeller, his face the most precious combination of anticipation and curiosity. And the girls sitting in the backseat of the Navigator can’t resist him, and they open the door and begin cooing, which of course sends him over the edge and he runs straight at the car and lands head first into the bucket seat, right at about the ass of one Shannon Elizabeth.

So there, sitting in the backseat of this scavenger hunting Navigator is Nadia from “American Pie,” and she seriously looks like, wow, like, I bet millions of teenage boys have done things to themselves in her honor. And my dog has planted himself somewhere near her supple, shimmery legs. And I’m thinking, dude, our kitchen is your kitchen, so I say, “Come on up!”

So we go upstairs, and the whole time I’m thinking, Shannon Elizabeth is going to see the inside of my house, and I have a very hard time not shouting, “Shannon Fucking Elizabeth is going to see the inside of my house!” but we make it upstairs and we all stand in the middle of our kitchen, Jon on one side of Shannon Elizabeth, Chuck and I on the other side of Shannon Elizabeth, and one of the other cute, nubile girls, most likely one of Shannon Elizabeth’s best friends, takes a Polaroid, to prove to someone, someone I don’t know, someone very lucky indeed, that Shannon Fucking Elizabeth saw the inside of my house.

And the best part about it is that Chuck managed somehow in his sneaky little puppy way to lick Shannon Elizabeth’s face just as the flash on the Polaroid went *poof*.

Now, I don’t know, at least I don’t think that Shannon Elizabeth is anywhere on Jon’s Five Fame Fuckers list, at least technically she shouldn’t be because we did run into her in a very remote social situation, but I’d really make an exception for this one. I’m a good person that way.

  • the husband

    2002/10/08 at 8:13 am

    1. Charlize Theron
    2. Katie Holmes
    3. Rene Russo
    4. Tea Leone
    5. Cameron Diaz

  • lee

    2002/10/08 at 8:27 am

    1.Melissa Auf Der Maur 2.Natalie Portman 3.PJ Harvey 4.Denise Richards 5.Sheryl Crow –I feel dirty, now.

  • Benjy

    2002/10/08 at 8:36 am

    1. Sarah Michelle Gellar, 2. Katie Holmes, 3. Yamila Diaz, 4. Bridgite Wilson (sp?), 5. Mena Suvari

  • kane

    2002/10/08 at 8:41 am

    A fun story.

    (In no particular order)
    Reese Witherspoon
    Halle Berry
    Susan Sarandon
    Tori Amos
    Shania Twain

  • P.J.

    2002/10/08 at 8:45 am

    1.Katie Holmes 2. Hillary Swank 3. Angelina Jolie 4. Charlize Theron 5. Oh what the hell… Johnny Depp — My wife hates that Mr. 21 Jump Street is on my list. Haha.

  • angie

    2002/10/08 at 8:58 am

    1. Matthew McConaughey
    (hmm-i may have to take that one off – i’m thinking about living in Austin…)
    2. Sean Connery (circa. 1965)
    3. Jake Gyllenhaal
    4. Benicio del Toro/Antonio Banderas (don’t make me choose, really, i can’t…)
    5. Kevin Spacey

  • Leslie

    2002/10/08 at 9:00 am

    1. Vin Diesel 2. Brad Pitt 3. Keith Urban (country singer) 4. Jed from Survivor 4 5. Gary Allan (another country singer).

  • ex southern babtist

    2002/10/08 at 9:07 am

    Sorry about the double entry…I was still laughing. The dog truly has some character.

  • Lin

    2002/10/08 at 9:09 am

    I’m not in a committed relationship, or in any relationship, but if I were: 1) Ewan McGregor 2) Patrick Stewart 3) Harrison Ford (circa 1980)…I can’t think of anyone else. Damn.

  • Jen

    2002/10/08 at 9:09 am

    Would you believe I’m drawing a blank on hot celebrity men i’d like to sleep with? I need a slap upside the head.

  • gina

    2002/10/08 at 9:13 am

    Too bad Jake’s sister isn’t good looking enough to be on my list. Aw hell, for him, I’d make an exception to the lesbian rule.

  • Kerry

    2002/10/08 at 9:16 am

    That’s pretty exciting! You never know what could come of this…perhaps one day Shannon Elizabeth will be meeting with a director that’s going to shoot her next big blockbuster, and he will be lamenting over his lack of a perfect kitchen to do the hot nude scene in, when a polaroid will fall out of Shannon Elizaeth’s purse, with the perfect kitchen, complete with the perfect puppy, and the director will piss himself at the perfection before he picks up the phone and offers you hundreds of thousands of dollars to shoot a scene in your kitchen.

    Oh, and I too, have a list:
    1. Jude Law
    2. Benecio Del Toro
    3. Goran Visnjic
    4. Toby Maguire
    5. Jimmy Fallon

  • blue

    2002/10/08 at 9:31 am

    I wanted to send you this card – but I didn’t want to invade your e-mail box (not to mention not knowing your precise e-mail address) — so instead I’m giving you the link. Think of it like you’re getting the card… national sarcastics awareness month.

  • Sour Bob

    2002/10/08 at 9:32 am

    I dunno. I go in cycles. It was “tall, thin, late middle-aged women.” (Sigourney Weaver, Lynne Russell, etc.) Then it was young, earthy Neo-Soul singers. (Lauryn Hill, Jaguar Wright, etc.) Right now, I’ve got Cassandra Wilson on the list, which is almost like having those two groups meet in the middle.

  • blue

    2002/10/08 at 9:35 am

    I forgot my list:
    1. Ben Affleck
    2. Robert Downey Jr.
    3. Sean Connery
    4. Pierce Brosnan
    5. The cute guy who played Ally’s doctor boyfriend and is now a detective on Law & Order

    Only 1 and 2 are really ones I’ve officially put on my list. Spots 3, 4 and 5 are still up for grabs. Any takers?

  • Sarah B.

    2002/10/08 at 9:40 am

    OH MY GOD.

    I’m so floored, I can’t even give you James Gandolfini props.

  • kane

    2002/10/08 at 9:54 am

    1.Betty Rubble
    2.Jane Jetson
    3.Marge Simpson
    4.Josie (of Pussycat fame)
    5.Martha Stewart (she’s on every list no matter what the topic)

  • jennifer

    2002/10/08 at 10:02 am

    My husband can’t think of five, which I think is kinda’ weird, but he does love Angela Bassett. My five would be:
    1) James Gandolfini (love him)
    2) Jon Stewart
    3) Craig Kilbourn
    4) David Duchovny before I saw Evolution
    5) Peter Krause

    I love the talkers. 🙂

  • Tara

    2002/10/08 at 10:03 am

    So do sports people count?
    Some of these people were local to me, but now that I no longer live in Marin County I think I can safely keep them on this list (in no particular order):
    1) Chris Isaak
    2) Robb Nen (SF Giants relief pitcher)
    3) Chris Noth
    4) Ben Affleck
    5) and lastly, I am with you, Dooce: Brad Pitt

  • Tara

    2002/10/08 at 10:06 am

    I forgot to add – if Robb Nen does not count, I will have to also go with James Gandolfini.

  • Sheila

    2002/10/08 at 10:22 am

    1. Matt McConaughey
    2. Liam Neeson (wearing a kilt)
    3. Oded Fahr
    4. Joe Perry
    5. Stefan Edberg (oh those legs)

  • Michele

    2002/10/08 at 10:28 am

    1)Matthew McConaughey 2)Christian Bale 3)Hugh Jackman 4)that guy from Beastmaster: (don’t laugh at me, he’s hot!)5)Ewan Mcgregor. I guess I’ve got a thing for accents…

  • jaime llluvia

    2002/10/08 at 10:59 am

    1. katie holmes; 2. maggie gyllenhaal (good genes in that family); 3. emily watson; 4. maura tierney; 5. katie holmes (again)

  • Julia

    2002/10/08 at 11:13 am

    1) James Marsters; 2) Val Kilmer (circa “Top Gun”); 3) Nicholas Lea; 4) Brandon Lee (circa 1993 — but that’s another story); 5) Johnny Dep

  • AEJ

    2002/10/08 at 11:25 am

    so good, why didn’t i think of this? no particular order: Liam Neeson, Daniel Day Lewis, Ralph Fiennes, Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart.

  • jennifer

    2002/10/08 at 11:26 am

    jimmy fallon, hugh grant (in about a boy and not in anything else), ira glass, (wait, i met him, so that doesn’t count, right) matthew chance, chris eigemann, ryan adams (i just wanna make out with him, though) and if ira doesn’t count, then i’ll throw in stephen malkmus.


    2002/10/08 at 11:43 am

    I’m really, really hurt.

  • Me

    2002/10/08 at 11:48 am

    [1] Kate Winslet, [2] Lauren Graham (from Gilmore Girls), [3] Faith Hill, [4] Martha Stewart and [5] Noah Wylie (only if he wanted to). That doesn’t maek me gay does it?

  • Cat

    2002/10/08 at 11:56 am

    1. Jude Law 2. Will Kemp 3. Jeff Tweety 4. Billy Bob Thorton 5. Beck

  • aprilgem

    2002/10/08 at 11:56 am

    Hm.. I have almost the same list your husband has, except it includes Nicole Kidman… er, and except I’m female and I’m straight, which I guess means I’d better rethink the list a bit. Not in any particular order, here it is: Brendan Fraser, Ralph Fiennes, Mel Gibson, Ben Affleck, and [open space for my final ever-changing i’m-so-fickle choice].

  • Wayne

    2002/10/08 at 11:57 am

    1. Bebe Neuwirth
    2. Janie Porche (she saved Christmas–does she count as a celeb yet?)
    3. Jane Pauley
    4. Shawn Colvin
    5. that happy dancin’ black Joe Boxer dude (just out of curiosity)

  • J

    2002/10/08 at 12:00 pm

    Lucy Liu would never make my list, because, well, she has a peasant face. And that lazy eye. That said, here we go:

    1. Charlize “Younger than me” Theron.
    2. Juli Ashton, because she’s dirty.
    3. Brittany Andrews. Also dirty.
    4. Heather Graham, because I got something she can ride. It ain’t a bicycle, neither.
    5. Kim Basinger. Hey, I’ve had a crush on her since I was 12.

  • Erika

    2002/10/08 at 12:16 pm

    Great story – you have a smart puppy! my list in no particular order: ewan macgregor, brad pitt in fight club, eric stoltz in bodies, rest, and motion, john cusak, jason statham from Snatch.

  • pero

    2002/10/08 at 12:59 pm

    rene russo, catherine zeta-jones, susan serandon, michelle pfeiffer, sandra bullock

  • Em

    2002/10/08 at 1:01 pm

    1. George Clooney (and he IS the #1 choice)
    2. Mark Wahlberg
    3. Vin Diesel
    4. Erik Palladino (from ER)
    5. Brad Pitt (clean-shaven)

  • dooce

    2002/10/08 at 1:23 pm

    could someone please point out to The Husband that I’m not alone in finding a balding, overweight, barely-possessing-a-functioning-vocabulary mob boss attractive ?

  • da

    2002/10/08 at 1:27 pm

    catherine zeta-jones, her scottish accent will get things going; leann rimes, to sing to me during; melissa stark, to exchange football picks after, cindy crawford, for an intelligent conversation after, charlize theron, just to look at before during and after.

  • shauny

    2002/10/08 at 1:29 pm

    1. ed o’brien 2. ed o’brien 3. ed o’briend 4. reese witherspoon 5. ed o’brien

    and btw, funny funny entry today miss dooce, and beautifully told!

  • Kyle

    2002/10/08 at 1:31 pm

    1. Alyson Hannigan
    2. Natalie Portman
    3. Jennifer Love-Hewitt
    4. Heidi Klum
    5. The Olsen Twins.

    The twins count as one, because I want them together, or not at all.

  • LLM

    2002/10/08 at 1:40 pm

    Dooce, seconded on the ‘fini. There’s just something about him.

    My five:

    Derek Jeter
    John Cusack
    Jack Johnson
    Vincent Ventresca
    Matthew Sweet

    Runners-up: Michael Schoeffling, Bill Clinton (shut. up.), Lenny Kravitz, Tony Hawk, Morrissey (although I gather I’m not his type)

  • P

    2002/10/08 at 1:56 pm

    1. Claire Forlani 2. Rebecca Gayheart 3. Mira Sorvino 4. Audrey Hepburn back in the day 5. Audrey Tautou (Amelie)

  • ryan

    2002/10/08 at 2:23 pm

    1. Sung Hi Lee
    2. Ali Landry
    3. Vanessa Marcil
    4. China Chow
    5. Gwen Stefani

  • Toni

    2002/10/08 at 2:25 pm

    Well, my husband and I have really only talked about one each, his used to be Claudia Schiffer, while mine was David Copperfield. Then mine changed to Antonio Banderas, while his switched to Reese Witherspoon. Here, is my FFF list:
    1. Antonio Banderas
    2. Orlando Bloom as Legolas
    3. Kevin Spacey
    4. George Clooney
    5. Angelina Jolie

    I had to include one woman. 😉

  • Red

    2002/10/08 at 2:25 pm

    C. Zeta-Jones is Welsh.
    Do she & her hubby count as the hottest couple in Hollywood now?

  • Toby

    2002/10/08 at 2:32 pm

    1. Jared Leto 2. That new Calvin Klein model 3. Ewan McGregor 4. Porn star Chris Steele 5. Gwen Stefani

  • Krissy

    2002/10/08 at 3:19 pm

    1. Dave Grohl 2. Nick Reiwoldt (plays AFL footy) 3. Jason Lee 4. Daniel Vettori (cricketer) 5. Angelina Jolie

  • LLM

    2002/10/08 at 3:30 pm

    D’oh! How could I forget Dave Grohl? Damn, gotta rethink the list…

  • pseudofamous

    2002/10/08 at 3:40 pm

    1. rachel leigh cook // 2. natalie portman // 3. that main surferchick from blue crush // 4. britney spears (for when i wanna give it someone good and hard) // 5. martha (for when i REALLY wanna give it to someone good and hard)

  • the husband

    2002/10/08 at 3:52 pm

    I assert that you don’t find Gandolfini attractive. You find a character he plays attractive. That is not FFF material. It’s plain sick and wrong. You saw him on top of Carmella. EWWWWW.And you Martha people are sick as well.

  • Kyle

    2002/10/08 at 4:57 pm

    Kane! Betty Rubble! Nice. I’d do Betty, but I’d be thinking of Wilma…

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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