Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

You Should Probably Not Post Any Comments to this Site if You are Any of the Following:

The sociopathic co-worker I dated at the end of 1999.

Someone who insists on using the word “dawg” in reference to anyone in his “posse.”

Someone who complains about the comments but insists on reading them anyway.

My Granny.

My hair-stylist. My god, the ammunition you have.

Anyone who has cute, coifed eyebrows that came that way. Bitch!

Anyone who complains about the way the comments work or are displayed. No where on this site does it say I care.

A member of the BYU alumni association.

Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen

Anyone who says “volumptuous.”

The person who can’t remember the name of my dog, and so refers to him as “Chick.”

  • ae


  • rd

    That’s better. Thank you.

  • I just overplucked my eyebrows so now one is shorter than the other… so I believe I am still ok.

  • Yo, dawg, why you gotta be including these dumb comments. And posting stories about your dog Chick. Wanna go out again?

  • You’re still not showing your new haircut. Can’t be this bad, or can it?

  • fuck yeah, dooce. you rule.

  • Uh-oh, Sarah B. She’s talkin’ ’bout your girls! Dooce, I think them there’s fightin’ words.

  • Dooce, you do, in fact, rule.

  • So far I think I’m still allowed to do this. Even though for some reason I thought it was the dog that got the haircut in your last post… I am such a loser.

  • Like my girls could even figure out how to type in a URL, yo. Bless their little hearts.

  • Fraggles are cool.

  • What about a person who dreams of a volumptuos Mary-Kate and Ashley?

  • Any suggestions for people you do want commenting? Like, say, Jake G. or James G.? Whoa, both of their last names begin with G. I startled myself.

  • Volumptuous should be a word, as in, so voluptuous that you’re lumpy. Like “that girl’s got so much back that she’s volumptuous.” Hmmm. I rescind my suggestion.

  • kentucky mule rider

    Too bad they didn’t get naked in your kitchen –

  • do you like people who say boobies on dooce?

  • What about the loser who called you “booooring” I wanna bitch slap her…

  • d00ce: the sociopathic co-worker you dated at the end of 1999 wasnt asian, by chance, was he? -jp

  • as far as i’m concerned, the more boobies the better.

  • i think you’re entitled to do whatever you like. either that or you can ban ip addresses.

  • smark

    i ain’t asian and i never i never thought of myself as a co-worker. i thought we were more of an “amalgam”. does this mean it’s over? dawg?

  • Right on, sista!

  • I actually like “voluptuous”. It’s “supposably” I can’t abide.

  • Whoops… that was supposed to be “volumptuous” 🙂

    Who said asians can type?

  • It didn’t say “lazy-ass stoner” in there so I think I’m ok.

  • i’m addicted. i’m hooked. and i don’t even know you.

  • boobies boobies boobies

  • Oh, goodie. I am not any of those things you listed. ::singing:: Dooce est ma vie, ma vie dans tes blog…

  • Do people actually call you dooce or should we call you Heather? Should we be calling is really the question. Yeah, the dog needs his own site, but I warn you, it can become obsessive. You’ll be constantly updating everytime your baby does something new.

  • If the Olsen twins ever e-mail you bemoaning their banishment from your site, please feel free to send ’em on to me.

  • the people with those eyebrows have always fascinated me.

  • dooce for prez-o-dent.

  • P.E.

    My eyebrows only grow halfway across. Everyone else in my so called family has perfect eyebrows. As if I didn’t have enough reasons to hate the bastards already.

  • I like the comments – the way they work and the way they are displayed. I like the site. I like the content. and I like Chuck. Whoever complained – DON’T MAKE me BEAT your Ass.

  • Igor

    Yo, dawgs !

    All y’all who be a membah o’ da Dooce posse, Word up !

    Mad props to da chick whose mad about Chuck, don’t cha know.

    To all numbah 10 D-tractors who feel da need ta diss the miss, get the fuck out of here, double time ! Who needs yo’ ass anyway ?

    To all da membaz o’ da krew : get ya groove thang goin’ !


  • I ain’t your granny

    I’ve got the eyebrows of Frida Kahlo, now will you show your new haircut?

  • lin

    “Anyone who has cute, coifed eyebrows that came that way. Bitch!”
    I want cute, coifed eyebrows dammit.

  • galt

    it’s funny that no one can come up w/ a BYU alum assoc joke…fertile ground lying fallow, methinks.

  • you forgot small teeth. never trust anyone with tiny teeth. GWB is an example of this odd phenomenon. No comments from tiny teethed people is the way to go.

  • I’m just glad you are back, dawg! You too, Heather. And your boobies.

  • you are so right on the tiny teeth thing.

    and shouldn’t it be the eyebrow (singular) of Frida Kahlo?

  • Hey, wait. I have small teeth. Or, as my dentist put it years ago, “petite teeth, deal with it.”


    How ’bout anyone who says “nukular” about forty-seven times in a speech?

  • P

    All I know is that I still want to sleep with 1) Claire Forlani 2) Rebecca Gayheart and……

  • i forgot


  • Speaking as another lazy-ass stoner, I’m all for boobies; when I hear “nukuler” I start grinding my teeth till you can hear them creak; and boy howdy is it nice to be able to visit the dooce universe in real time.

  • i was just wanted to interject a thread from that 5 Famous Fuckers post, from the other day, that I would jump in the sack with Tina Fey from SNL, any day of the week. She is one sexxy momma. ok, back to this day’s post…

  • I’m just glad to see you’re back to your writing ways ….

  • So Dooce, aren’t you bootylicious anymore? Just asking. ‘Cause my bookmark still says “ | bootylicious since 2001.”

  • supposebly

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more