the smell of my desperation has become a stench

You Should Probably Not Post Any Comments to this Site if You are Any of the Following:

The sociopathic co-worker I dated at the end of 1999.

Someone who insists on using the word “dawg” in reference to anyone in his “posse.”

Someone who complains about the comments but insists on reading them anyway.

My Granny.

My hair-stylist. My god, the ammunition you have.

Anyone who has cute, coifed eyebrows that came that way. Bitch!

Anyone who complains about the way the comments work or are displayed. No where on this site does it say I care.

A member of the BYU alumni association.

Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen

Anyone who says “volumptuous.”

The person who can’t remember the name of my dog, and so refers to him as “Chick.”

  • ae

    2002/10/10 at 10:34 am


  • rd

    2002/10/10 at 10:45 am

    That’s better. Thank you.

  • faithy

    2002/10/10 at 10:47 am

    I just overplucked my eyebrows so now one is shorter than the other… so I believe I am still ok.

  • Mary-Kate

    2002/10/10 at 10:48 am

    Yo, dawg, why you gotta be including these dumb comments. And posting stories about your dog Chick. Wanna go out again?

  • Gaspar

    2002/10/10 at 10:50 am

    You’re still not showing your new haircut. Can’t be this bad, or can it?

  • neil

    2002/10/10 at 10:56 am

    fuck yeah, dooce. you rule.

  • Heather #2

    2002/10/10 at 11:02 am

    Uh-oh, Sarah B. She’s talkin’ ’bout your girls! Dooce, I think them there’s fightin’ words.

  • jennifer

    2002/10/10 at 11:02 am

    Dooce, you do, in fact, rule.

  • Kyle

    2002/10/10 at 11:12 am

    So far I think I’m still allowed to do this. Even though for some reason I thought it was the dog that got the haircut in your last post… I am such a loser.

  • Sarah B.

    2002/10/10 at 11:15 am

    Like my girls could even figure out how to type in a URL, yo. Bless their little hearts.

  • Chad

    2002/10/10 at 11:45 am

    Fraggles are cool.

  • jonah

    2002/10/10 at 12:12 pm

    What about a person who dreams of a volumptuos Mary-Kate and Ashley?

  • ismat

    2002/10/10 at 12:21 pm

    Any suggestions for people you do want commenting? Like, say, Jake G. or James G.? Whoa, both of their last names begin with G. I startled myself.

  • Matt

    2002/10/10 at 12:54 pm

    Volumptuous should be a word, as in, so voluptuous that you’re lumpy. Like “that girl’s got so much back that she’s volumptuous.” Hmmm. I rescind my suggestion.

  • kentucky mule rider

    2002/10/10 at 12:56 pm

    Too bad they didn’t get naked in your kitchen –

  • zach

    2002/10/10 at 12:58 pm

    do you like people who say boobies on dooce?

  • megchem

    2002/10/10 at 1:07 pm

    What about the loser who called you “booooring” I wanna bitch slap her…

  • jimmypage

    2002/10/10 at 1:27 pm

    d00ce: the sociopathic co-worker you dated at the end of 1999 wasnt asian, by chance, was he? -jp

  • dooce

    2002/10/10 at 1:31 pm

    as far as i’m concerned, the more boobies the better.

  • eggbert

    2002/10/10 at 1:36 pm

    i think you’re entitled to do whatever you like. either that or you can ban ip addresses.

  • smark

    2002/10/10 at 1:37 pm

    i ain’t asian and i never i never thought of myself as a co-worker. i thought we were more of an “amalgam”. does this mean it’s over? dawg?

  • Etta Kett

    2002/10/10 at 2:57 pm

    Right on, sista!

  • Arnold

    2002/10/10 at 4:09 pm

    I actually like “voluptuous”. It’s “supposably” I can’t abide.

  • Arnold

    2002/10/10 at 4:11 pm

    Whoops… that was supposed to be “volumptuous” 🙂

    Who said asians can type?

  • David

    2002/10/10 at 4:17 pm

    It didn’t say “lazy-ass stoner” in there so I think I’m ok.

  • swona

    2002/10/10 at 4:47 pm

    i’m addicted. i’m hooked. and i don’t even know you.

  • peggy

    2002/10/10 at 5:29 pm

    boobies boobies boobies

  • aprilgem

    2002/10/10 at 5:53 pm

    Oh, goodie. I am not any of those things you listed. ::singing:: Dooce est ma vie, ma vie dans tes blog…

  • Anita Applebaum

    2002/10/10 at 6:11 pm

    Do people actually call you dooce or should we call you Heather? Should we be calling is really the question. Yeah, the dog needs his own site, but I warn you, it can become obsessive. You’ll be constantly updating everytime your baby does something new.

  • Morgan

    2002/10/10 at 7:30 pm

    If the Olsen twins ever e-mail you bemoaning their banishment from your site, please feel free to send ’em on to me.

  • nita

    2002/10/10 at 7:40 pm

    the people with those eyebrows have always fascinated me.

  • ed f

    2002/10/10 at 7:50 pm

    dooce for prez-o-dent.

  • P.E.

    2002/10/10 at 9:09 pm

    My eyebrows only grow halfway across. Everyone else in my so called family has perfect eyebrows. As if I didn’t have enough reasons to hate the bastards already.

  • Dirty? -- Pero.

    2002/10/10 at 11:30 pm

    I like the comments – the way they work and the way they are displayed. I like the site. I like the content. and I like Chuck. Whoever complained – DON’T MAKE me BEAT your Ass.

  • Igor

    2002/10/11 at 2:18 am

    Yo, dawgs !

    All y’all who be a membah o’ da Dooce posse, Word up !

    Mad props to da chick whose mad about Chuck, don’t cha know.

    To all numbah 10 D-tractors who feel da need ta diss the miss, get the fuck out of here, double time ! Who needs yo’ ass anyway ?

    To all da membaz o’ da krew : get ya groove thang goin’ !


  • I ain't your granny

    2002/10/11 at 4:54 am

    I’ve got the eyebrows of Frida Kahlo, now will you show your new haircut?

  • lin

    2002/10/11 at 4:59 am

    “Anyone who has cute, coifed eyebrows that came that way. Bitch!”
    I want cute, coifed eyebrows dammit.

  • galt

    2002/10/11 at 5:22 am

    it’s funny that no one can come up w/ a BYU alum assoc joke…fertile ground lying fallow, methinks.

  • Jeneane

    2002/10/11 at 5:39 am

    you forgot small teeth. never trust anyone with tiny teeth. GWB is an example of this odd phenomenon. No comments from tiny teethed people is the way to go.

  • Sharon

    2002/10/11 at 7:21 am

    I’m just glad you are back, dawg! You too, Heather. And your boobies.

  • julia

    2002/10/11 at 7:28 am

    you are so right on the tiny teeth thing.

    and shouldn’t it be the eyebrow (singular) of Frida Kahlo?

  • ericalynn

    2002/10/11 at 7:59 am

    Hey, wait. I have small teeth. Or, as my dentist put it years ago, “petite teeth, deal with it.”


    2002/10/11 at 8:44 am

    How ’bout anyone who says “nukular” about forty-seven times in a speech?

  • P

    2002/10/11 at 11:34 am

    All I know is that I still want to sleep with 1) Claire Forlani 2) Rebecca Gayheart and……

  • i forgot

    2002/10/11 at 11:41 am


  • Kevin from Seattle

    2002/10/11 at 12:15 pm

    Speaking as another lazy-ass stoner, I’m all for boobies; when I hear “nukuler” I start grinding my teeth till you can hear them creak; and boy howdy is it nice to be able to visit the dooce universe in real time.

  • ed f

    2002/10/11 at 2:32 pm

    i was just wanted to interject a thread from that 5 Famous Fuckers post, from the other day, that I would jump in the sack with Tina Fey from SNL, any day of the week. She is one sexxy momma. ok, back to this day’s post…

  • Charon

    2002/10/11 at 4:54 pm

    I’m just glad to see you’re back to your writing ways ….

  • sourbob

    2002/10/11 at 8:32 pm

    So Dooce, aren’t you bootylicious anymore? Just asking. ‘Cause my bookmark still says “ | bootylicious since 2001.”

  • nikky

    2002/10/12 at 8:27 am


Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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