the smell of my desperation has become a stench


so busted

Chuck will be spending the next five days thinking about what he can do to prevent himself from lifting his leg and peeing on my friend Sara, twice in the span of three days.

Jon and I will be spending the next five days in Utah introducing the family units. Considering the constituents of each clan, the mixing of such will most likely result in a small-scale clash of the titans.

I don’t know who has it worse.

  • GLeigh

    2002/10/16 at 10:58 am

    Understand totally. Asian and white parents with a Buddhist/Catholic/Jewish/Protestant background. Grandparents on both sides were worried what the children would look like. Looking back on it now, I guess a sixth finger and antennae would upset anyone.

  • ex southern babtist

    2002/10/16 at 11:08 am

    Is Chuckles going to Utah too?

  • Angelique

    2002/10/16 at 11:11 am

    ….sounds like pergatory all around. I disagree highly with the addage that when two people get married, so do their families. I’d like to see my sweetie’s uncle put up with my mood swings, or my dad endure my sweetie’s penchant for leaving his “spitters” around (damnable tobacco).
    Bon chance to all involved. Sounds like your friend Sara may have a full dating schedule there….. poor girl.

  • Wayne

    2002/10/16 at 11:18 am

    A big dose of dog urine should quickly diffuse any intra-family squabbles.

  • matty

    2002/10/16 at 11:23 am

    at least you guys eloped. i was just at my brother’s (a jew) wedding to a catholic, and just to make sure they pissed everybody off, they had a dual ceremony, with a priest AND a rabbi. plus, they didn’t do it in a place of worship, oh noooo… they did it in the Chinese Room of the Smith Tower, complete with red wallpaper and lazy susans on the tables. talk about clash of the titans. a jewish mother vs. the mayor of tehachape. look out.

  • dooce

    2002/10/16 at 11:30 am

    Chuckles is not going to Utah. He’s going to jail.

  • The Inmate

    2002/10/16 at 11:43 am

    I see a disturbing pattern here. Is Chuckles silently protesting the cross-dressing shame that you ever so heartlessly exposed to the world? Or is he merely marking Sara as his territory? Given that The Family will be under enough stress to validate (let’s not mention accept yet) your culture-meshing marriage, I am quite concerned about the impact that a potential romantic relationship between Chuckles and Sara might have on their already frayed nerves. It may just be too much.
    So, here’s to hoping it’s just that he’s traumatized. Plus, I’m sure he’s too young for Sara.

  • jennifer

    2002/10/16 at 11:47 am

    My in-laws are here for week 2 of a three week visit and no homocides have yet to occur. Luckily we haven’t had any discussion recently on why being gay is evil or why those pesky people on welfare don’t just gets jobs. My sympathies to you and Jon with your family excursion. Too bad Chuck isn’t going, a little dog urine can go a long way. Good luck!

  • The Inmate

    2002/10/16 at 11:50 am

    Homocides? I didn’t know they got that specific.

  • melissa

    2002/10/16 at 12:33 pm

    Awww, look at ‘im… He didn’t mean it! Don’t send him to jail! I’ll watch him for ya. Just put him on a plane to DC…

  • Sarah B.

    2002/10/16 at 12:50 pm

    I wish he was staying with SaraH.

  • The Boy Known as J Lo

    2002/10/16 at 1:06 pm

    As a long-time fan of your web log after reading about it an issue of Fast Company, I have to say that, Dooce your posts, as always, are enlightening and keeping it it real. You crack me up.

  • Naaman

    2002/10/16 at 1:10 pm

    Get the composite sketch of the sniper as soon as it comes out, have Sara wear it, and you will sleep more soundly than ever.

  • jennifer

    2002/10/16 at 1:33 pm

    tee hee

    *shame on me*

  • Chuck Cheeze

    2002/10/16 at 1:56 pm

    I am still trying to get the wife to allow me a dog, much less put it in jail. And I’ve had a damn bulldog tattoo on my arm since college. Not because I was in the marines or went to some bulldog school, but because I want a friggin’ bulldog named Norman. Is that so bad? Now get Chuck out of jail and let him pass Go!

  • Ex-liontamer

    2002/10/16 at 2:24 pm

    >I don’t know who has it worse.<

    You do. Remember: duck and cover.

  • ME

    2002/10/16 at 2:33 pm

    If C-Dawg is going to be doin’ some time in LA County, make sure he hooks wit mah boyz. They got his back. Y’knowhumsayin’?

    P.S. Do you think he can smuggle some stuff for them up his you-know-what?

  • kd

    2002/10/16 at 2:42 pm

    aww, how could you send that cute little innocent puppy to doggie jail! he was framed, i tell ya, framed!

  • Kane

    2002/10/16 at 4:33 pm

    Have you ever considered that the pee may not be from Chuck, but rather Sara? I’m sure wetting herself is cause for shame, but to repeatdly blame innocent Chuck is just sad. I hear that Depends makes an excellent adult- diaper.

    If the collar doesn’t fit
    then you must acquit.

  • dooce

    2002/10/16 at 4:40 pm

    My dog, my sweet baby boy, looked at my friend Sara, assessed that she was indeed a vertical structure, lifted his right leg and urinated on her leg, wetting her jeans straight through to her skin, TWICE in three days. He’s guilty, folks. Plain and simple.

  • Kane

    2002/10/16 at 5:05 pm

    Can Chuck help it if Sara looks like a fire-hydrant?

    No Justice, no peace.

  • The Inmate

    2002/10/16 at 7:07 pm

    Is Sara short and stumpy? Was she dressed in bright red that day? Does her skin have a metallic sheen to it? Is she by any chance a quadruple amputee?
    You see, any of these can get Chuck off the hook. I just don’t believe he could do that after assesing that Sara was indeed, human.
    Uh…no offense, huh Sara?

  • Keith

    2002/10/16 at 8:30 pm

    It’s probably the pheromones she’s giving off. Are any human males walking up to her and peeing on her leg?


    2002/10/16 at 10:30 pm

    I want to welcome my new cell-mate, who is arriving in the morning. He better not bring a little squeeze toy with him like the last one did.

  • Amy

    2002/10/16 at 10:57 pm

    I think hot dogs are disgusting.

  • Alex

    2002/10/17 at 12:03 am is exactly what Jean Teasdale’s blog would be like if she had one.

  • Matt

    2002/10/17 at 4:10 am

    Now, is Chuckles the kind of dog that will make another dog his bitch in jail, or is he going to go sissy? given his penchant for women’s clothing, i’d guess option 2.

  • Sarah B.

    2002/10/17 at 5:01 am

    WhatEVER. Chuck would totally be Smoove B.

  • smoov b

    2002/10/17 at 5:36 am

    there will be cereal, also.

  • dirty brent

    2002/10/17 at 6:25 am

    it’s nice when parental units on both sides are rednecks.

    as for chuckzilla, you shoulda brung him ta utar and he culd play with ma dawgs. milo would pee on him and teech him how to sit when he pees.

  • archtop

    2002/10/17 at 9:57 am

    “If you want to leae a mark, study male dogs.
    Piss on the tallest leg you can find and growl if it tries to walk away”
    Janis Ian’s significant other Pat

  • Kerry

    2002/10/17 at 12:18 pm

    I was so inspired by Madame Chuckles the other day, that I actually went out and bought Los Lobos, Colossal Head. Seriously.

  • Anita Applebaum

    2002/10/17 at 7:13 pm

    At least he didn’t poop on Sara, something that my dog has done to several people including myself.

  • Cory

    2002/10/17 at 7:59 pm

    Moreover, at least it wasn’t a rainbow arc of hot puppy, well, you know, spoo.

  • Jory

    2002/10/17 at 9:00 pm

    Oh God. Oh God. The great Dooce is returning to the home land — I’ve got to find something to wear!

    Everyone, look busy!

  • Beerzie Boy

    2002/10/18 at 5:46 am

    Hopefully your family units will avoid the Chuck’s mistake, because I have found that while most people do not like to be pissed off, it is preferable to being pissed on.

  • shy

    2002/10/18 at 7:28 am

    sara has it the worst.

  • Paul Gutman

    2002/10/18 at 8:40 am

    I’m with Shy; Sara had it worst.

  • Kevin from Seattle

    2002/10/18 at 10:21 am

    Heather, I gotta agree with the lady who wanted to know why you don’t have an agent. Stuff reads like a demented marriage between Bukowski & James Thurber and the photos are a killer complement. That picture of Chuckles is a gem.

  • Ariel

    2002/10/18 at 5:34 pm

    …that would have been me. I can’t believe I got called “the lady”! Next thing you know, I’ll be carrying a clutch and asking boy scouts for help across the street. Excellent.

  • kukuberra

    2002/10/20 at 1:32 pm

    Utah Sucks!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more