the smell of my desperation has become a stench

A Glimpse

It was all going super okay until one of my sister’s 18-month-old twins decided to start throwing silverware, primarily spoons, across the dining table.

I don’t think he was aiming at anyone in particular, although he missed my new sister-in-law’s cheek by a half-centimeter.

Aunt Lola decided that since all decorum was shot to hell, why not discuss all her various physical ailments while everyone was eating? Makes sense.

She began with her high blood pressure, worked her way through to adult-onset diabetes, and ended up detailing how sometimes she can get so hungry she could “straddle a dead cow and still eat a bologna sandwich.”

Sometimes Aunt Lola can’t stand dry Western bread, as opposed to sweet Southern bread, and so she uses the dry Western bread to wipe her ass. No, really.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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