the smell of my desperation has become a stench

A Glimpse

It was all going super okay until one of my sister’s 18-month-old twins decided to start throwing silverware, primarily spoons, across the dining table.

I don’t think he was aiming at anyone in particular, although he missed my new sister-in-law’s cheek by a half-centimeter.

Aunt Lola decided that since all decorum was shot to hell, why not discuss all her various physical ailments while everyone was eating? Makes sense.

She began with her high blood pressure, worked her way through to adult-onset diabetes, and ended up detailing how sometimes she can get so hungry she could “straddle a dead cow and still eat a bologna sandwich.”

Sometimes Aunt Lola can’t stand dry Western bread, as opposed to sweet Southern bread, and so she uses the dry Western bread to wipe her ass. No, really.

  • Ismat

    2002/10/22 at 7:24 am

    Wouldn’t straddling a dead cow only increase your hunger? I mean, I’m sure that takes a lot of energy.

  • feelafel

    2002/10/22 at 7:25 am

    Aunt Lola should really make the switch to “Charmin'”. No, really.

  • kane

    2002/10/22 at 7:53 am

    As if Mr. Whipple didn’t have enough problems with who is squeezing the Charmin, now he Aunt Lola squeezing the Roman Meal. For Gods Sake, keep her out of the produce section!

  • The Inmate

    2002/10/22 at 8:17 am

    Was she ever a showgirl with yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to THERE?
    Cause that would explain a lot.
    You’re lucky she didn’t break into merengue and the cha-cha right at the dinner table.

  • Kerry

    2002/10/22 at 8:17 am

    You kow, you should tell Aunt Lola that if she is going to use bread to wipe her ass, that Ethiopian bread is really the better choice. It’s more porous, making it twice as absorbant as the average slice of Western bread.

  • Kerry

    2002/10/22 at 8:19 am

    Crap. that last post was supposed to start out with “You know,” not “You kow”. I would never call you a cow, and if I were going to, I would at least try to spell it correctly.

  • The Inmate

    2002/10/22 at 8:24 am

    Oh, I almost forgot. I’m going to need a definition of “super okay”. I’m not buying that, Dooce.

  • darian

    2002/10/22 at 9:11 am

    I agree with Ismat..your aunt Lola would definately have to use alot of energy to straddle a cow. When I lived in KY, we used to get drunk and sometimes go cow tipping. Let me tell really have to run with alot of force to knock those cows over. I couldn’t imaging knocking them over and straddling them. heh!

  • meegan

    2002/10/22 at 9:15 am

    sounds very much like my family get togethers. except the focus is usually on aunt francis’ bowels.

  • Sarah B.

    2002/10/22 at 10:00 am

    We should get your family dinner together with my family dinner. We should also get drunk first.

  • arnold

    2002/10/22 at 10:20 am

    Wow. If Aunt Lola can’t tell the difference between food and toiletries, she’s going to have to stay the hell out of my bathroom and kitchen.

  • YesNo0001

    2002/10/22 at 11:03 am

    Welcome Back, Dooce.

    Back here where we need ya.

    The Sweathogs.

  • shy

    2002/10/22 at 11:17 am

    my aunt farts a lot.

  • aprilgem

    2002/10/22 at 11:39 am

    Okay, then. I never want to eat bread again.

  • Ex-liontamer

    2002/10/22 at 11:41 am

    This seems to be a symptom of family gatherings as everyone gets older: Politics and entertainment chit-chat take a backseat to symptoms of Gramma’s Alzheimers and the 411 on Auntie’s sciatic nerve; new babies antics get chalked up to “Isn’t that cute?” versus the personal safety of others. Sometimes I miss the halcyon days of the “So, how’s college?” question from my relatives.

    …and I ain’t never heard of bread in lieu of TP. whatsupwitdat?

  • Spike

    2002/10/22 at 12:01 pm

    Is it possible that you misunderstood L-O-L-A, Lola, because she had her mouth full. She sounds like someone who spits food while she talks. In any event, can’t she get some of that free juniper bark out there in Utah to wipe with instead of — does she like croutons?

  • Nonproductive

    2002/10/22 at 12:31 pm

    wait, I’m confused.

    Did she wipe her ass with the bread, eat a bologna sandwich and then straddle a dead cow?

    Or was it straddle a dead cow, eat the bologna sandwich and then wipe her ass with the bread?

  • kane

    2002/10/22 at 12:58 pm

    Gives new meaning to the term, “Pinch a loaf”.

  • nita

    2002/10/22 at 2:24 pm

    reminds me of the time my grandmother told a joke in which the punch line involved the description “well-hung”– and she wasn’t talking about a chandelier.

  • Wayne

    2002/10/22 at 2:43 pm

    Was there any situation involving dog urine?

  • Matt

    2002/10/22 at 3:59 pm

    i prefer the quilted western bread. it’s easier on my sensitive skin.

  • Paul Gutman

    2002/10/22 at 4:14 pm

    I think you should have tried to see if the little nephew could throw a dead cow at Aunt Lola and see if she could *really* straddle it.


    2002/10/22 at 4:46 pm

    I am apalled.

    Or a’ petered.

    Nope, scratch that…apalled it is.

  • Ewww

    2002/10/22 at 5:31 pm

    So, are your Aunt Lola peanut butter sandwich chunky or smooth?

  • ed f

    2002/10/22 at 5:48 pm

    oh yeah, i forgot, Anna Farris. yum yum.

  • clayton

    2002/10/22 at 6:30 pm

    but isn’t it crumbly if it’s dry? how can you wipe with that?

  • Anonymous Coward

    2002/10/22 at 10:03 pm

    My parents flew over from the other side of the world to this side of the world to meet my significant other’s parents for the first time.

    We took them to our favourite restuarant. My parents argued at the table, belched all through dinner and drank all the wine.

    My parents then started to regale the significant’s other parents with all their various diseases, ailments and some of my most embarrassing childhood accidents and habits.

    And then it got worse.

    Please kill me now.

  • jimmypage

    2002/10/22 at 11:27 pm

    i have no thoughts, at this time. -jp

  • Keith

    2002/10/22 at 11:32 pm

    My dad’s an ER doctor and my mom works for Planned Parenthood. The “what happened at work today” discussions over dinner while I was growing up have given me the immunity to be able to eat through just about anything.

  • Angelique

    2002/10/23 at 5:10 am

    …… and people wonder why i’m on prozac. my mother has the terrible habit of explaining what happens to her when she eats seeds due to her dyverticulitus (sp). i feel ya, girlie.

  • Beerzieboy

    2002/10/23 at 10:30 am

    And I thought Vegamite on bread was gross…

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more