the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Curbside Pick-Up/Fuck Factory (DVD) Double Feature!

So Jon and I have met several hundred people in the neighborhood simply by walking Chuck an average of 14 times a day, and although I don’t remember any of their names, or more specifically can’t remember, because the only thing I learned in college was how to forget things like people’s names, I remember the name of their dog and exactly what their dog has done or will do to my dog, whether that be sniffing his parts, playfully licking his ears or shooting their hot canine load all over his innocent head.

One of Chuck’s best playmates in the neighborhood is a 2-year-old golden retriever who has no control over her limbs when she comes within ten feet of my dog. She’s like a wriggling explosion of auburn cuddles when she sees Chuck, all hair and falling over and getting up and falling over again. Her owner, one of the 400 aspiring actors on our block, sort of throws up her hands in dramatic exasperation when this happens. It’s a dramatic exasperation so particular to the aspiring actor, like, perhaps someone will drive by and see me being dramatically exasperated and want to cast me in the next Miramax picture about the dramatically exasperated. It could happen.

Last night while the golden retriever was auburnly cuddling my dog, and the aspiring actor was being dramatically exasperated, she thought she’d share a little gossip about another dog owner in the neighborhood. Gossiping about other dog owners is something all dog owners cherish about dog ownership. Usually the gossip is about how that aspiring actor doesn’t ever pick up his dog’s poop, and have you seen the size of that dog’s poop? Or about how this aspiring actor won’t neuter his dog because someone in that household should have a large penis.

But last night the aspiring actor told us about how another dog owner in the neighborhood is a little dramatically exasperated because her dog won’t stop getting into the K-Y Jelly. Apparently, when the dog owner leaves the dog at home alone the dog sniffs out the open tube of Personal Lubricant� and chews it to pieces.

Now, I know there’s nothing inherently odd about an open tube of K-Y Jelly in someone’s apartment, especially when that someone lives in LA and happens to be in a relationship with a very large Argentinean.

It’s just, well, it happens that we’ve been walking that dog owner’s dog every day this week during lunch, as a favor. I mean, she gave us keys to her apartment so that we could come get her dog and walk it while she’s away at school. So she knew we would be coming over and entering her apartment, and that our eyes would have to be open in order to do this.

And the other day when we entered her apartment, with our eyes open, we saw an open package on her coffee table, just sitting there, not hidden, out in the open, and that open package contained gay porn.

And it’s not that gay porn is necessarily an odd thing, it’s just, it was gay male porn, and there were gay men on the cover holding their very large gay cocks, looking very gay and very shiny.

And so I guess I’m confused. Like, are other women aroused by gay male porn with their gay male cocks and spurting gay come? And what is this gay male porn doing to her dog that the dog is eating gay male lubricant? And should I be worried to leave my dog alone with her dog? And why am I all of a sudden dramatically exasperated?

  • hetero gal

    2002/11/07 at 12:50 pm

    gay male porn? 100 times better than heteroporn. think hot men, not ron jeremy.

  • dooce

    2002/11/07 at 12:55 pm

    but there aren’t any boobs in gay male porn. what good is porn if there aren’t any boobs?

  • homo guy

    2002/11/07 at 12:55 pm

    gay male porn? 100 times better than heteroporn. think hot men!!!

  • sourbob

    2002/11/07 at 1:02 pm

    Maybe she’s buying it for someone else. I bought a friend some gay porn once, though I’m not gay. He was closeted and afraid to buy it for himself. Everyone should have porn. Porn porn porn.

  • vibegrrl

    2002/11/07 at 1:04 pm

    I agree with Dooce. there’s no BOOBS in Gay Male porn! Besides, there’s something DISTICTLY UNSEXY (for me personally) about one guy shoving his penis up another guy’s ass.

  • hetero guy

    2002/11/07 at 1:04 pm

    I take it your neighbor doesn’t know about your blog… could tell her all about it on the day you move back to ‘tah.

  • Ariel

    2002/11/07 at 1:06 pm

    I must agree that, despite being a woman, I love pictures of hot gay cock. It’s absolutely true. Ever looked in a Playgirl? Hairy ugly straight dudes. Ever looked at gay porn? Mmm. Sailors. Twinkies. Smooth chested Ryan Philippe lookalikes. I say, if you’re a woman who likes porn, you’re better off enjoying gay porn for your boy-fixes, and lesbian porn for the girl-fixes. Het porn is all just so…San Fernando Valley.

  • sponge robert

    2002/11/07 at 1:07 pm

    Canine load on Chuckles head? Ew, gross. Gay male parts up other guy’s turd pincher? Grosser.

  • The Inmate

    2002/11/07 at 1:07 pm

    Have you considered maybe the dog is into gay bestiality? It could be the dog’s. If I were you, I’d watch who that dog might introduce to Chuck.

  • exsouthern babtist

    2002/11/07 at 1:53 pm

    Did they have pictures of gay guys breaking that Utah State Code Title 76, Chapter 5 as well?

  • Nell

    2002/11/07 at 1:54 pm

    Guilty. I have about 10 xxx movies, and one is of gay porn. OK OK, one other is bi men, ALRIGHT?!

  • exsouthern babtist

    2002/11/07 at 1:58 pm

    Thank you, I thought they should.

  • Ex-liontamer

    2002/11/07 at 2:00 pm

    Ay Caramba! There sure is a bunch of talk about male bodily fluids ’round here lately. If my conventional wisdom compass is still working properly, it seems hetero women digging gay porn is fairly common. I recall several female contemporaries saying “the sex is hotter” than most hetero porn. I even remember a “Sex and the City” episode referencing a group viewing of gay porn. If Sarah J. and the girls can hang, it must be okay. I’m not sure what dogs think of porn, gay or otherwise.

  • katie

    2002/11/07 at 2:09 pm

    [For those of you commenting on anal sex=disgusting, I’m hoping you have to turn your heads when some guy gets a gal up hers, otherwise you have some serious double-standard issues to deal with.]

    i enjoy gay porn just as much as the next person, even without the boobs. i have my own.

  • Jane Doe

    2002/11/07 at 4:41 pm

    Has anyone even considered that maybe Dooce’s neighbor is not really a “she”?

    Perhaps this is a gay man dressed in drag, or a tranny. Or a “she-male” even!

    Or maybe it really is just a woman that likes gay male porn.

  • corey

    2002/11/07 at 5:11 pm

    are we sure it’s not the dogs gay male porn?

    maybe that’s where all the KY is going…

  • Morgan

    2002/11/07 at 5:44 pm

    I’m going to have to go with exsouthern babtist on this one… Are you sure they’ll even let you back in Utah after this sort of discussion?

  • Naz

    2002/11/07 at 7:14 pm

    Bring back the bukkake!

  • April

    2002/11/07 at 9:14 pm

    No boobs in gay male porn? Surely you jest. Not all men are gentlemen, gay male porn stars included. I’m sure that not only are there boobs in gay male porn magazines; there are dicks, jerks, and complete asses… Oh. Unless by “boobs,” you meant, well, boobs.

  • Dave

    2002/11/07 at 11:24 pm

    Why use K-Y Jelly when you can use spit?

  • spike

    2002/11/08 at 3:35 am

    i’m surprised no one suggested this before. maybe the gay porn is the argentinean’s?

  • Miss Mea-Mea

    2002/11/08 at 3:54 am

    But Dooce, sometimes there ARE boobs in gay male porn. Have you never seen she-males, or other versions of hermaphordidic porn?

    Gay porn is the best. Straight porn is nothing but pudgy hairy men naked but for athletic tube socks. I finally got tired of trying to pick out something straight that would turn me on as much as the boyfriend, and went for the gay side. Yummy, muscled blonde gods. We made a deal – I get one I want, he gets one he wants. This is how I wound up watching Buttman’s Bubble Butt Babes and Hot Stallions in the Shower, all in one night.

    You’re going to be seeing some pretty interesting Google searches after today’s post:)

  • ME

    2002/11/08 at 4:37 am

    Mayhaps you should check out the gay titles featuring “man-boobs”

  • drew

    2002/11/08 at 4:45 am

    i’m a hetero guy and i love gay porn! female gay porn that is. plenty of boobs.

  • Antonio Monkerro

    2002/11/08 at 4:48 am

    My sister’s boyfriend has a new boxer puppy. He’s adorable, but like most boxer puppies, he’s abyssmally stupid. Like the dog that dooce described, this cute little pug likes to eat vaseline. And we’re talking vaseline that’s still sealed in the plastic container. The little monster actually manages to wrestle the container open with his teeth and gorge himself on the greasy contents within. This might be fine if he didn’t have another bad habit. The pug and his daddy live in the country, and one of his favourite mid-morning snacks (the dog, not the owner) is fresh cow shit. So this cute little pug spends the rest of the day looking ill and slinking around the house….and every once in a while it would crap out vaseline and vomit cow shit all over the rug. You should see the carpet, it’s a work of art.

  • Carrie

    2002/11/08 at 5:24 am

    Now tell me again, why is this site “not for kids”?

  • Sarah B.

    2002/11/08 at 5:40 am

    Remind me to tell you about the time we purchased “Hombres Latinos” at the adult bookstore as a joke, only it wasn’t a funny joke, and it made Laura cry.

    I have a married lady friend who is way into gay male porn, and sometimes she gets confused and thinks I am way into gay male porn too, and I have to be like, no, I draw the line at Velvet Goldmine, dude.

  • yesno0001

    2002/11/08 at 5:50 am

    Maybe she watches it for the articles.

  • dennis

    2002/11/08 at 5:56 am

    Hell, I’m straight, but all this positive vibe for gay porn… I’m sold! 😎

  • Beerzie Boy

    2002/11/08 at 6:22 am

    Maybe your neighbor is looking for a foursome or (heaven help Chuckie) a sixsome. If you aquiesce, make sure they don’t have an X-10.

  • Heather #2

    2002/11/08 at 6:49 am

    Did anybody watch WILL AND GRACE last night? It seems Grace is easily enticed with free porn.

  • nifflet

    2002/11/08 at 6:53 am

    no boobs = no obnoxious fake squealing = lots of manly man noises that are infinitely more arousing than hetero porn. (with the obvious exception of jenna…)

  • Kerry

    2002/11/08 at 7:09 am

    Oh! Porn is my favorite subject! I LOVE porn. The gay male porn is a strange thing for me though. See, I don’t think I would really enjoy straight up gay male porn, as there are usually no women in it anywhere,and then I can’t relate. Plus, the men are But can I just tell you how fucking excite I get when I’m watching regular porn, and there’s a scene with two guys and one girl, and their wangs accidentally touch? I love that! If there is a fetish for that, I so have it. I get especially giddy if when one guy..uh..ejaculates, it accidentally lands on the other guy. It has to be an accident though. Or a double penetration scene. Otherwise, its not nearly as hot.

  • the husband

    2002/11/08 at 7:14 am


  • J

    2002/11/08 at 7:17 am

    If another guy came on me, I think I would react as if someone spilled some acid on me. I’d be all recoiling in heterosexual trauma.

  • Kerry

    2002/11/08 at 7:19 am

    Yeah. Sorry about that. I just get so damn excited.

  • blamb

    2002/11/08 at 7:32 am

    Actually, Kerry, your description was cool, not too much info at all, an enlightening insight.

    As for “boobs”, not all straight porn has “boobs”. Gay porn? Straight porn? Let’s not fight, there’s plenty for everyone!!!


    2002/11/08 at 8:11 am

    Is that you, dear?

  • Benjy

    2002/11/08 at 8:22 am

    What kind of outrageous stories would you be able to tell if you guys move to Utah? How you saw some Mormon neighbor buying bags of coffee at Sams Club?

    I love all the wierd gay porn neighbors / wacky run-ins with celeb stories that could only take place in LA!

  • LesboHeather

    2002/11/08 at 9:23 am

    There is a strange phenomenon among a lot of the lesbian chicks I know (myself included)… we like gay male porn. I think boy porn is more interesting than other porn. You can see exactly what is going on and you know that the guys aren’t faking the money shot. I don’t know. It just works for me. But I’ve been accused of being a gay man trapped in a lesbian’s body…

  • ae

    2002/11/08 at 12:15 pm

    So, you’re straight?

    And, um… wangs?

  • Murdock

    2002/11/20 at 2:26 am

  • Straight Gal

    2002/12/08 at 7:33 am

    Gay Porn is the best! I agree ont he no Boobs parts except that in Hetro Porn the girls all have such awful boob jobs…but it is a treat when you spot really well done ones or even the rare – Natural ones. But back to the topic—Gay Porn is tons of hot guys…all sweaty and very nice big cocks. I mean there is a reason that HBO’s OZ and Showtimes Queer as Folk have huge female viewership. I personally own several Gay Porn tapes…and yes there is something very hot about a man taking it for a change.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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