the smell of my desperation has become a stench

At Least Our Very Large, Very Threatening Dog Will Protect Us

So the landlord came by last week and suddenly realized that the secure building we’re all paying to live in isn’t necessarily a traditionally “secure” building. In fact, the secure building we’re all paying to live in happens to be the same secure building several homeless people are using as a home base of sorts, stashing mismatched Reebok tennis shoes, foam pads and over-sized panties in the corners of the secure roof space.

Why she suddenly realized just now that this secure building isn’t really a secure building is gobstopping, because I know of at least four tenants who have complained to her specifically that the secure building we’re all paying to live in lacks a certain sense of, I don’t know, security.

The problem is that certain people in the building who are too lazy to carry keys tie the doors open with rope installed near the doors by the landlord. So the landlord has installed this rope, both upstairs and downstairs next to the doors, tempting the lazier tenants to compromise the safety of us not lazy tenants — I mean not lazy when it comes to carrying keys, not when it comes to say, brushing our hair on a daily basis; but not brushing our hair on a daily basis has nothing to do with the safety of our building, although sometimes, especially with this new haircut, I wake up in the morning looking like an 8-year-old member of the Aryan Nation, and the dog fucking freaks — and then she gets mad that the lazy tenants have used the rope.

So last week she decided to install state of the art security devices certain to return this building to its once former, secure glory. These devices, held permanently to each door with self-adhesive, double-sided Velcro, say in very large, very threatening sans-serif font: keep this gate closed.

And as you can tell, it’s scaring the shit out of those lazy tenants.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more

SaveSave