the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Even their Dog is Mormon

Now wait a minute, people.

I knew about the cold weather and the liquor laws and the dry air, so dry that by 3am every morning the pointy boogers in my nose form a barricade so impenetrable the airflow through my body is involuntarily re-routed through my mouth in one harrowingly gigantic gasp for life. I’m so okay with all those things, and although you may not believe me, I’m even okay with the Mormons.

And I guess I should clarify something here, right here and now. It’s public record that I used to be a member of the Mormon church and that I paid money willingly for a degree from BYU. I’ve read the Book of Mormon, and both my brother and my husband have served Mormon missions (to Montreal, Quebec, and Manchester, England, respectively). I can give you a detailed description of the history of the Mormon church, of its founders, its years of formative persecution, and the names of the men who serve on its “board of directors” today. I really used to believe that being a Mormon was the right thing to do.

So I want to let you know that I’m not here to participate in any form of Mormon bashing, although that might seem like the logical thing for me to do. Too many of my closest friends, not to mention my mother, my father, my siblings, and all of my nieces and nephews are all devout members of the Mormon church. I’m not willing to publicly slander a belief system they all eat, breathe and sleep. I’ve invested hundreds, possibly thousands of dollars on therapy working out things that shouldn’t be worked out publicly.

So I know that the Mormon church will find out within the next week (if not already) that I have mysteriously fled California, and they will shortly contact my mother here in Utah and demand to know of my whereabouts. And I’m okay with that. I’m okay knowing that they will pinpoint my exact latitude/longitude coordinates and send the Lord’s representatives to my rescue. That is what they do.

I’m okay with the Mormon thing, and I’m slowly getting used to wearing closed-toe shoes and socks. Socks! for Christ’s sake. I’m totally aware that there’s no such thing as a spontaneous buzz in this state, unless your liver is the size of a pistachio. I’m so okay with my dog growing his own fleece comforter from his hind legs to his forehead, and the fact that snow doesn’t melt until mid-June.

But people, if I find out that any of you knew about the Taco Bell tostada thing, the thing where they don’t serve fucking tostadas in Utah thing, and didn’t tell me about it, I’m seriously going to cut someone. I mean, no tostadas? Are you fucking kidding?

  • Jory

    2002/12/03 at 8:34 pm

    I knew there was something I was forgetting. So are you in Utah or Salt Lake county? Or, shudder, one of the other ones?

  • Naaman

    2002/12/03 at 8:42 pm

    Run for the border!!!!

  • Naaman

    2002/12/03 at 8:42 pm

    Sorry, I couldn’t resist 😉

  • shescrafty

    2002/12/03 at 9:43 pm

    Just don’t drink the kool-aide!

  • Keith

    2002/12/03 at 10:40 pm

    Dude, the Mormons don’t do caffeine either. So, no Dunkin’ Donuts or Starbucks either. I can deal without the tostadas, but the bastards have made me become addicted to frappuccinos.

  • Totah DinÈ

    2002/12/04 at 1:18 am

    Why do you think I moved back to New Mexico? I have two words for you CABLE INTERNET – that makes up for everything else 😉

  • Ex-liontamer

    2002/12/04 at 2:23 am

    I can relate; I went a few years without Taylor Ham.

    Mmmmm. Taylor Ham.

    Can you make your own Tostadas?

  • peggy

    2002/12/04 at 2:32 am

    That’s the trouble with moving. I know you know about Tennessee too, but I sure didn’t. No Vienna Red Hots, no White Castles, no Chicago at all. The beans & cornbread thing is cool, though.

  • Her Highnessness

    2002/12/04 at 3:44 am

    It’s a little freaky that the Mormon Church keeps such close tabs on you, even though you’re not a member in good standing. I wonder if missing persons has ever condsidered tapping this powerful person finding resource?

  • Jen

    2002/12/04 at 3:58 am

    They’re going to track you down? That sounds so X-Files.

  • Glen

    2002/12/04 at 4:07 am

    Umm, I’m a little fuzzy here. Why no tostadas?

  • me

    2002/12/04 at 4:18 am

    what the hell were you thinking ? get out while you can.

  • bill

    2002/12/04 at 4:21 am

    Heh. I feel your pain. I went from New York to Maryland, where an evil cabal has decided that it is perfectly OK to put mayonnaise and pickles on an Italian Cold Cut sub. Mayonnaise! As for the tostadas, my best suggestion is to bring a tortilla to The Bell and bribe the fry guy.

  • PJ

    2002/12/04 at 4:25 am

    I myself have found the last few days’ discussions on the Mormon religion both enlightening and mostly lighthearted. I think you have been remarkably circumspect in your comments. As for those who thought it was bashing, methinks thou art WAY too sensitive. Take it from a Friday Fish-Eater: we hold the patent on being able to make fun of our religious leaders, and believe me, these days we have to be able to take it. Who has laughed at a priest joke lately? I know I have, albeit somewhat ruefully. Dooce, you can come be a Catholic anytime, we’ve got plenty of guilt-ridden angst to go around.

  • Lisa

    2002/12/04 at 4:46 am

    My best friend in high school was Mormon. (I said “was” because promptly after graduation, she ran away to Texas and married someone that wasn’t Mormon. No temple for her…) Anyway, I was almost convinced that I wanted to join the Mormon church. I had the Book of Mormon, with full intetion to read every word. Of couse, I never did. My Catholic upbringing stopped me from joining. That and the fact that I answered the knock at the front door in a towel and saw two Missionaries standing there. The first asked if it was a bad time. The other was craning his neck to look as far away as possible. I said, “Yes, it is a bad time.” They never came back.

  • heather

    2002/12/04 at 5:02 am

    I moved from north Alabama to a suburb of Baltimore a year ago. I never knew I would have to get my dad to ship be proper tea (Red Diamond) for sugary, teeth-rotting iced tea. I had to introduce people to the wonder that is cornbread dressing! Heathens.

  • Zeek

    2002/12/04 at 5:12 am

    Survival link for you…
    There are also recipes for Taco Bell seasoning there somewhere.

  • megchem

    2002/12/04 at 5:50 am

    Two years in LA, 6 in MT and I still yearn for a cup, no gallon, of dunkin donuts coffee. The best cheap coffee in the world!!! I heard a rumor that there’s one in la…yeah right…i can smell it 20 miles away!

  • Dirtybilllover

    2002/12/04 at 5:51 am

    Um…they don’t just track you down if you’ve already been part of the church. They also track you down if you’ve ever seriously dated one. I moved from Maryland to Texas and back again and the only thing that ever changed was that the missionaries got younger and younger. They want me something fierce to send a total of 12 missionaries after me! (Did I mention that they all knew me by name? THAT’S some scary shit)

  • Funtime Ben

    2002/12/04 at 6:04 am

    I think as a recovering Mormon you are doing pretty well, although if there is an increase in the Words of God on your blog a crack rescue team, from an undisclosed location, will be dispensed bearing tostadas to lure you away back to the world of sin… and real Taco Bells

  • Jub

    2002/12/04 at 6:09 am

    Every Mormon I’ve ever met (admittedly not many in London) has been really nice. And as we all know, you don’t get to heaven unless you’re a Mormon – even Matt Stone and Trey Parker of South Park fame know that.

  • Paula

    2002/12/04 at 6:16 am

    Ok. This tostada crisis is most disturbing. There aren’t many things I can eat without my stomach lashing out at me in fits of rage. The tostada, however, is one of the few my stomach actually is “ok with.” So, of course, just as I express my glee at being able to actually eat some junk food after a few years of necessary healthy eating, they totally take it off the damn menu! You can’t find a Taco bell here in Rhode Island that serves a tostada. I just assumed they took it off the menu everywhere. They haven’t served them here in about a year. So, count yourself lucky that you were able to enjoy them for this long. [sniff]

  • Cindi

    2002/12/04 at 6:33 am

    now that you’re in Utah…please refrain from using words such as shit, damn, hell, fuck, etc. You must replace those with; oh my heck, darn, dang, shoot, dog-on-it, flip, fetch, freak, golly gee, for pete’s sake, etc. You’ll fit RIGHT in.

  • Benjy

    2002/12/04 at 6:46 am

    There’s always that culinary give and take when relocating. I spent the 6+ years I was in Atlanta on an endless quest for a real hot dog and a a good bagel, but now that I’m back in Chicago I’d kill for some Fat Matt’s ribs! At least Krispy Kreme followed me up here.

  • ismat

    2002/12/04 at 6:47 am

    But why??? For the love of god, why no tostadas? Next you’ll probably tell me the fajitas aren’t back in Utah, either.

  • art

    2002/12/04 at 6:51 am

    Good news – Dunkin Donuts coffee is now available on the web:

  • Billy

    2002/12/04 at 7:09 am

    Keith is mistaken about the Starbucks. I looked in the phone book after landing in SLC while gassing up for a trip south — there were 4, I think, but nobody in the damn gas station could give me directions. I did get directions when I was in Provo from a girl — it was right down the street, but she gave me directions that took me in a big circle. Those Mormons — they are a crafty bunch; but I was not deterred in my mission to find a mocha. I don’t know about Dunkin’ Donuts or Taco Bell. But is it true that the Mormon Church bought a Coca-Cola plant and exempted Coke products from the caffeine restrictions?

  • Dave Thomas

    2002/12/04 at 7:18 am

    Ain’t no caffeine restrictions per se, beyond the well-known proscription against coffee and tea. Some Mormons have historically extended that to include soft drinks, but the Church doesn’t currently do so. I don’t know about them buying into Coke. All the Coke in all the states around the church’s HQ is owned by Swire Corp., an Asian conglomerate. Cripes, my post is boring.

  • Wayne

    2002/12/04 at 7:39 am

    Keith dude seriously thinks there are no Starbucks in Utah? Ha, I say!! According to their store locator, there are 23 in and around SLC, from Ogden to Park City.
    Now, that’s no Orange County, which stops listing at 500 stores. So you might have to drive more than, say, 500 feet to find coffee in Utah, but it’s possible.

  • Brenda

    2002/12/04 at 7:52 am

    I’ve been tempted to post a few times in the last couple of days. PJ, I do think the comments on the last post veered into Mormon-bashing, mostly good-natured, but would you say “watch out for those Jews” if someone moved to a predominantly Jewish neighbourhood?

  • propagandist

    2002/12/04 at 8:05 am

    brigham young HATED mexican food.

  • Wayne

    2002/12/04 at 8:09 am

    Brigham didn’t hate all Mexican food, only Taco Bell tostados. Gave him gas…..toasty Mormon gas.

  • mal

    2002/12/04 at 8:12 am

    fuck. i should have warned you. i also forgot about that bit where NELEH (from survivor) now sells herself as a news anchor. avoid channel 2 in the mornings, for the love of god.

  • The Inmate

    2002/12/04 at 8:20 am

    One of the top rated Mexican restaurants in Salt Lake. And they’ve got $5.75 tostadas.

  • megchem

    2002/12/04 at 9:51 am

    art: I KNOW they are on the web, but it isn’t the same 🙁

  • edsmonkey

    2002/12/04 at 10:06 am

    I thought I heard somewhere that tostadas were the tool of the mormom devil and were on the “too be avoided list” along with liquor and caffiene.

  • Slack Jaw

    2002/12/04 at 10:08 am

    Not to carry on any Mormon bashing, but Jews have really good bagels and Matzo ball soup and Locks and have a culture that goes back thousands of persecuted years. I think itís fair to say that other than the Brits, there is no group of people as large, less know for their cuisine.

    (ok so maybe to carry on a little more bashingÖ)

  • Xanthan

    2002/12/04 at 10:16 am

    OK,Dooce…. I’m confused. You leave LA and the food you miss is a Taco Bell tostada? When you lived in LA, was no one kind enough to introduce you to Tommy’s Burgers or the delights of a real taco truck? I mean, you’ve got to know about the blintzes at Cantors, what about the incredible lamb sandwiches at Phillipe’s near Union Station? The pie at the Apple Pan?

  • nikky

    2002/12/04 at 10:36 am

    … what’s a Mormon?


  • nick

    2002/12/04 at 10:56 am

    no, no. she’s got it right. taco bell is food to lust over. all those “L.A.” places are full of shit. canter’s deli sucks my ass. and the apple pan looks cool, but it’s pie is not all that great and you can’t get out of that place for anything less than a car payment. praise be taco bell – the working man’s paradise.

  • The Mighty Jimbo

    2002/12/04 at 11:24 am

    Never trust any food stuff that costs less than dog food. Taco Bell? Scary.

  • Naaman

    2002/12/04 at 11:27 am

    You all have obviously never had In-n-out, which, btw, is also not available in Utah (according to their web site). Now there’s a fast food chain worth staying in Cali for.

  • Kevin

    2002/12/04 at 11:31 am

    To address the first problem (dry nose rock boogers; Mormons flourish and remain remarkably moist in dry weather). I lived in Provo and Tucson and had to resort to Saline Nasal Spray to keep my nasal cavity wet and youthful. It works like a charm, and you won’t wake up with stalagtite snot in the morning. Two squirts in each nostril before bed and one or two in the morning and you’ll be right as rain.

  • me

    2002/12/04 at 11:54 am

    Lets all get it out of our systems. Everyone yell as load as you can. Mormon, Mormon, Mormon,Mormon,Mormon,Mormon,
    Mormon. Man I feel better. you? Now lets move on. NEXT!

  • ex southern babtist

    2002/12/04 at 12:39 pm

    I agree with me.

  • Shoefly

    2002/12/04 at 12:41 pm

    I had no idea a flat taco shell could be a device of the devil. No wonder I like ’em so much!

  • chukee

    2002/12/04 at 12:49 pm

    An interesting Taco Bell thing – have you heard of the “K-Minus” program? It is TB’s program for removing all of the kitchens from their stores. All food will be prepared with water, a microwave, and the occasional hot-oil bath.
    I don’t think that this bothers me so much as fascinates me.

  • dclay

    2002/12/04 at 1:06 pm

    Look on the bright side, you’re that much closer to Tom Cruise and John Travolta. Wait…

  • Sen

    2002/12/04 at 1:21 pm

    I know I’ll sound like an idiot for asking this, but what’s a toastada?

  • kane

    2002/12/04 at 1:32 pm

    I suddenly have the urge to hug my neighborhood Jehovah Witness.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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