Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Even their Dog is Mormon

Now wait a minute, people.

I knew about the cold weather and the liquor laws and the dry air, so dry that by 3am every morning the pointy boogers in my nose form a barricade so impenetrable the airflow through my body is involuntarily re-routed through my mouth in one harrowingly gigantic gasp for life. I’m so okay with all those things, and although you may not believe me, I’m even okay with the Mormons.

And I guess I should clarify something here, right here and now. It’s public record that I used to be a member of the Mormon church and that I paid money willingly for a degree from BYU. I’ve read the Book of Mormon, and both my brother and my husband have served Mormon missions (to Montreal, Quebec, and Manchester, England, respectively). I can give you a detailed description of the history of the Mormon church, of its founders, its years of formative persecution, and the names of the men who serve on its “board of directors” today. I really used to believe that being a Mormon was the right thing to do.

So I want to let you know that I’m not here to participate in any form of Mormon bashing, although that might seem like the logical thing for me to do. Too many of my closest friends, not to mention my mother, my father, my siblings, and all of my nieces and nephews are all devout members of the Mormon church. I’m not willing to publicly slander a belief system they all eat, breathe and sleep. I’ve invested hundreds, possibly thousands of dollars on therapy working out things that shouldn’t be worked out publicly.

So I know that the Mormon church will find out within the next week (if not already) that I have mysteriously fled California, and they will shortly contact my mother here in Utah and demand to know of my whereabouts. And I’m okay with that. I’m okay knowing that they will pinpoint my exact latitude/longitude coordinates and send the Lord’s representatives to my rescue. That is what they do.

I’m okay with the Mormon thing, and I’m slowly getting used to wearing closed-toe shoes and socks. Socks! for Christ’s sake. I’m totally aware that there’s no such thing as a spontaneous buzz in this state, unless your liver is the size of a pistachio. I’m so okay with my dog growing his own fleece comforter from his hind legs to his forehead, and the fact that snow doesn’t melt until mid-June.

But people, if I find out that any of you knew about the Taco Bell tostada thing, the thing where they don’t serve fucking tostadas in Utah thing, and didn’t tell me about it, I’m seriously going to cut someone. I mean, no tostadas? Are you fucking kidding?

  • just a weird mormon-related fact from my life: in high school, my best friend and i were like THIS. both of our last names are armstrong, and though we both have “armstrong noses” we are unrelated. she is and always has been mormon and had no problem mixing with non-mormons (i’m a presby), but when she went off to school (utah state) she decided she was no longer going to maintain relationships with non-mormons. therefore, although i had no ill feelings toward the religion previously, i am now convinced that mormonism is an evil cult and it’s no fair that they’ve gotten to take over some of the prettiest scenery in america.

    but yeah, she was a mormon and her last name is armstrong… that’s where i was really going.

  • Sorry to put this right up on your comments Dooce but I can’t find an email for you.
    Please visit Make Sour Bob Famous and help our campaign to make our (other) favourite blogger a celebrity. Thanks!

  • Look, I’ll check this out, but in the meantime, someone help me out here…

    When two guys come to the door, and without asking them in for tea, how do I differentiate between them being Mormon or Jehovah’s?

    Not that there’s anything wrong with either one…

  • nicky:

    a mormon is like a christian, but far better organized and with magic underwear.

  • Wait, no caffeine? Eek. I mean, I’m strict kosher, but having to give up my Second Cup would be tough.
    And wow, I am sadly ignorant about most other religious beliefs.

  • Shabby

    Wow. And I thought my move from the city of Chicago to the suburbs of Chicago was bad. Be strong, Dooce.

  • To read a disinterested take on the Mormon/Coke dynasty (or lack thereof) go to Snopes.com
    To tell marmons apart from JW’s: The Mormon (or LDS) missionaries are usually 19-22, and don’t bring small children in tow. They will not actually sell you pamphlets. They go out in bad weather.

  • Mormon missionaries also have nametags and call themselves “Elders” (or sisters if they’re women.) Even though they’re all young pups.

  • Bruce
  • Billy & Wayne: it was a joke, although some Mormons do eschew caffeine, so I was making light of that fact by suggesting Utah might be the one place Starbucks couldn’t penetrate. I can’t believe you guys actually took time to research it.

  • d00ce: itís a beautiful thing going back home (family, friends, etc.). perhaps you could start a new book of mormon, or otherwise simply add a new-fangled take on revelatons.

    this is a new day and age we live in. as most of the diehard will not understandÖ they continue to grow older. the young ones need to realize that they have a choice. revoltion, freedom, expansion of the closed-mindedness that slowly, but surely, turns them into nothing more than human robots.

    NOT to mock them, d00ce, but rather to give the younger (not completely brainwashed) a new slant. in all honesty, heather, the best of luck to your and your husband.
    -jp

  • Igor

    I know a lovely mormon girl who is very afraid of sinning. But she loves Dr. Pepper. Little white sin ?
    Vile food : KFC in Kent, Wa. I’d rather sleep with Freddy Krueger than eat there again.
    Other : fries made with unpeeled potatoes… how can you eat that ?
    Good : House of Blues in Marina Building, Chicago and Macy’s basement restaurant in New York.
    Bad Beer : Harpoon

  • According to Taco Bell, A tostada is nothing more than a deep fried tortilla slathered with reconstituted beans, a splash of “hot sauce, shredded lettuce and something that’s supposed to be cheese. Now, if you ask me what a tortilla is, I’m seriously gonna hunt you down and dance on your face. People that have no clue about ethnic food, you suck.

  • Keith, baby — There was no research involved. I got the joke, man. I was simply pointing out that nobody knew where they were or sent me on a wild goose chase. Oh, yeah, that wild goose chase thing I mentioned — that’s just a figure of speech — I wasn’t looking for geese. As for Wayne’s comment, he’s totally out there — I don’t know the guy.

  • A MORMON

    FIRST OF ALL (and Dooce already knows this so this is to all you other ignorant guestbook signers) WE HAVE STARBUCKS, WE DRINK CAFFEINE, WE SAY HELL AND EVEN DAMN ON OCCASION (I even say shit while driving a whole lot), OUR UNDERWEAR AREN’T MAGIC (persay), WE ASSOCIATE WITH PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF THE MORMON RELIGION (most of my friends are catholic or ATHEIST) and YES, WE LIKE TOSTADAS, we also like a great other number of restaurants that you can’t find out west but hey, you live with what you got. YES, the dry air sucks, (which is why you will see a lot more people picking their noses in their cars on their way to work in the morning). But HELL people, don’t judge the whole church on a moron you knew in highschool… I know a TON of Catholic morons, even a few jewish and muslim ones but that sure doesn’t make me think that they are all part of some psycho cult. Dooce, you rock. Good to have you here.

  • Billy — they allow geese in Utah? 🙂

  • Totah DinÈ

    That’s a fine example of Utah Mormon defensive behavior. Utah Mormon’s are VERY sensitive and defensive when it comes to their religion. There’s a good reason for it, they get bashed a lot. As to the tostadas, there’s always Del Taco or Dos Hermanos.

  • HurgleGurgle

    “NOT to mock them, d00ce, but rather to give the younger (not completely brainwashed) a new slant. in all honesty, heather, the best of luck to your and your husband. -jp”

    Let us start a Church of Dooce!

  • A MORMON

    Utah Mormon defensive behaviour? I am from Canada! HAHAHAHA… and I thought I was being more funny then defensive. Oh well, you can’t win em all.

  • mormon:

    i think you’re funny. and my magic underwear comment was more a play on the masonic slant of some of the mormon ceremonies…and yes, there are idiots everywhere, and in every religion.

    i’m just bitter ’cause as a non-mormon i couldn’t see my best friend’s REAL wedding…they wouldn’t let me in the inner sanctum…

  • kgjbnme

    people, people… can’t we all just get along? [signed, The She-Agnostic Who Comes From The Land Of The Southern Baptists]

  • H. Gurgle

    The actual weddng ceremony is pretty brief and unspectacular, for what it’s worth.

  • All I really want to know is…is it true that mormon priests (pastors, parsons, etc.) sleep with the bride before the husband gets a shot?

  • Dave Thomas

    Or course, but not before popping over to the nearest temple to ceremonially eat a baby or two.

  • A MORMON

    HAHAHAHA. Brandon, you are fricking hilarious. What planet are you from again?

  • It’s been interesting for a few days, but I have to admit all the Mormon Mormon Mormon talk is becoming slightly monotonous.
    Anyway… Dooce, I can’t help you out with Taco Bell tostadas, but skip the fast food and have a tostada at the Rio Grande Cafe. Better food, better atmosphere, only slightly more expensive.

  • Your site is a riot! I love it!

    Taco Bell has tostadas?! Damn! I live in Ogden Utah! Shit – see what I’m missing?! 😉 I could see them not serving marguritas, but tostadas?!!!

  • The planet for the criminally misinformed.

  • scot-on-the-rocks

    Good for your resolve to NOT bash the Mormon faith. I too discovered that it is not for everybody..and I’ve simply let go of the need to judge others for their decisions, “to be, or not to be…” In the end, we all find our respective paths, don’t we? And if it’s all about exhaultation anyway, some will some won’t…so what!
    its followers are certainly a people apart, but a cult as one suggested, get a grip! we all search out the mysteries as best we can..and each of us grows “line upon line …precept upon precept”…
    yeah, been there, done that and know how it works. i concluded, that even with free will in the mix, ALL is in Divine Right Order, and time is an illusion.

    i enjoy your writing enormously. ya know, you don’t seem to have been diminished in the least by your life as a missionary or the endowments that took you there..

    Party on Dooce!

  • Oh yeah! Check out the kick ass Ogden mullet.

  • yes, I know i’m going straight to hell for the previous post. But, they’ll find me there with a small pile of golden plates, inscribed with a goodness only I can decipher.

  • In Ulaanbataar this past August, in the middle of a country sparsely populated by an Buddhist-cum-atheist nomadic peoples — in the middle of nowhere — I watched a series of young Mormon missionaries work on converting a country. I sometimes wonder whether the Mormon church is so successful because, in some way, it brings the all-but-magic wonders of the first world to the people of the third.

  • How ’bout them Catholics, huh?

  • Igor

    It seems to me that most religions would be far more agreeable if they didn’t have a “convert as many people as you can” clause in their flavor of bible.

  • me2

    Dear A MORMON (in Canada), I live among many Mormons and find them consistently thoughtful, kind and considerate to others. However, there are some attitudes encouraged by the LDS church that I find profoundly disturbing. To wit, attitudes toward: women (obedience to men), the environment (God gave it to us to use up), people of color (they should change their skin color like the Lamanites did), excommunication (don’t even think about questioning anything the church says). I do not have exhaustive knowledge of the religion, so I’d be interested in your honest take on these things that bother me so much.

  • A MORMON

    Dear Me2, you might want to check your facts darling, they are a little skewed. At no point do I need to OBEY my husband, and as for the rest, well, seems like you have a surface knowledge… I hope you feel the same way towards a lot of other religions then, because there are MANY similarities between ours and many others. So please tell me, why the, is the finger always pointed at us? Why can’t people just let us live our lives in peace? You have your beliefs I have mine. I am not asking you to agree with mine so please don’t tell me why mine aren’t right, especially if you have your facts mixed up.

  • me2

    Dear A MORMON, I’m sorry if I upset you. I guess I should have known I would. But that honestly was not my intent. I know I don’t necessarily have all the facts, let alone have them straight, so I was asking because I wanted to know.

  • I was a mormon til 14. My family is also in Utah, logan, provo, heber and I go back once a year. The most horrible thing about Utah to me is the boring samness of it all. I live in NYC now. And the Man is the head of the house hold. I was taught the men were given the preisthood so they would be a spiritual as women naturally are but the final decision still is the man’s. And…they only took the word “obey” out of the mormon wedding ceremony in 1994. And look up some of the reports on Joseph Smith’s historically documented behavior. There’s a lot the Church doesn’t mention. It’s not half as clean and good in it’s history as I was taught.
    But mostly they’re good people

  • me2

    Thanks for your perspective, Kukuberra.

  • I just don’t understand how you can be so funny all the time! I mean I’m ROFL at every post and I’m a long-time reader!

    Oh, and I would be as upset as you if I couldn’t get what I wanted from Taco Bell (although mine is a soft taco supreme -meat +beans).