Heater, Mother of Lance

A Song About Moving

So the moving people who have all of our stuff, including our computers with our hard drives containing all of the data we need in order to work with our existing freelance clients, these movers, these people who hold hostage my lovely velvet couch and my summer clothing with the pretty delicate stitching and every journal I’ve kept since I was four years old, even the one where I write all of my R’s backwards, they haven’t arrived in Utah yet. They were supposed to be here last Wednesday, and then they said Friday, definitely Friday, but then all of a sudden it would have to be Sunday, no later than Sunday.

Well, by my calculations, Sunday was yesterday, and we haven’t heard a single word from these terrorists. And I know I should just be patient and that other people in this world have it much, much worse. But I haven’t told you the part about how these mover people said it was going to cost one thing, but really, in real life, it’s going to cost us triple that one thing. And it wouldn’t be so bad if, say, that one thing had been $6, because then we’d only have to pay $18. But let’s suppose, and I’m only supposing here, that the one thing was actually $1800. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a spare $5400 in coinage just lying around, in the pockets of my pants and in the cup holder of my car, it’s just going to be a bitch to gather it all up and count it.

Then there’s the part where they charged us an extra $700 for packing supplies, after we’d packed up everything that we thought was packable. I guess everything we thought was packable didn’t include everything, because people, they packed everything. They put our 11 foot by 4 foot bedroom rug into a box. They put the futon matress into a box. They put boxed-up books into another fucking box.

So I’m trying to remain calm. I’m trying not to react as violently as I did when the locksmith came to open the storage unit that morning in Los Angeles, and after three days of not sleeping and three days of my dog not eating and three days of putting my entire life into small cardboard boxes, I took a look inside that storage unit, realized that we had an entire other apartment to put into small cardboard boxes, and collapsed into a twitching, drooling and writhing beast.

But if these mover people don’t call within the next 30 seconds, and I’m counting down right now, they are so gonna wish that they hadn’t encountered this volatile former Mormon from Memphis who isn’t so concerned about her eternal salvation and whether or not God is watching.

  • Paul Gutman

    2002/12/09 at 7:35 am

    Of very little comfort, I know, but this goes to my theory that anything involving real estate in the least is full of crooks, shysters, and liars of some variety or another.

  • Ariel

    2002/12/09 at 7:35 am

    Hmm. Triple charging and showing up six days late sounds like a breech of contract to me. I think America is calling and she’s saying, “Dooce, be a good litigeous citizen and sue. SUE!”

  • deadking

    2002/12/09 at 7:35 am

    reminds me of that richard pryor movie

  • the husband

    2002/12/09 at 7:36 am

    Guess who just called?

  • zach

    2002/12/09 at 7:38 am

    If you yell they will come

  • Marshall

    2002/12/09 at 7:45 am

    Hey Dooce-O-Matic…I feel your pain. I just moved to Toronto from Vancouver, and had been given the heads-up on mover scams. I had a quality shipping scale with me at my house, and we weighed everything before it went on the truck. The driver signed off on the weights, and I got the movers to agree that my scale would not be more than 5% off. The upshot? My load was 40% lighter than they thought it was. I moved over 3000 miles for under $1500 CDN. They’re all A$$H0LES, and you’ve got to watch their every move. Seriously.

  • brittney

    2002/12/09 at 7:55 am

    Think you’ll tip?

  • bucci

    2002/12/09 at 7:57 am

    You need to rock their little fucking world so hard. So fucking hard. This shit pisses me off so much. The same crap when you take your car to the shop and they take advantage because they have all the cards. You must fuck them so hard they fucking bleed. Rage. Rage. RAGE!!!!!

  • Ken

    2002/12/09 at 8:04 am

    I know the feeling. Try going through the process of buying a house and having the seller decide to not show up at closing date. But of course living arrangements were meant to end that same day. Oh the joy of, as “Paul” said; crooks, shysters and liars.

  • Antonio Monkerro

    2002/12/09 at 8:05 am

    Moving’s always a pain in the ass. That’s why I insist on using a giant catapult instead of a moving truck.

  • the movers

    2002/12/09 at 8:10 am

    We’re gonna be another day or two on that delivery. Traffic. Sorry.

  • Benjy

    2002/12/09 at 8:14 am

    Sounds like you’re getting scammed. I saw something about moving companies doing this, so you might want to research… I could understand if it was something little like an extra $100 because you lived on the 4th floor or something, but triple?!? And $700 for boxing items that sure don’t sound like they need boxing?

  • megchem

    2002/12/09 at 8:17 am

    Dooce, rip them a new one…annoy them until they give back some money…and them file all kinds of damage claims….i’m sure there will be tons of damage…there always is…

  • Nonproductive

    2002/12/09 at 8:18 am

    Come on now! You admitted that every journal since you were 4 yrs old is on that truck.

    How do you expect them to read all that and *still* be able get through all those boxes looking for stuff to “lose” in only 6 days?

    I bet if you let them pack it would’ve arrived quicker. Then they would already know where all the good loot was stashed.

  • Tammy

    2002/12/09 at 8:22 am

    calm down and good luck!!

  • frumpple

    2002/12/09 at 8:30 am

    careful, dooce. a friend had the same thing happen a couple years ago – except she couldn’t come up with the extra dough. and she lost everything. didn’t get one thing back. assholes.

  • heather

    2002/12/09 at 8:47 am

    After having movers steal stuff during one of many familial moves, we went to moving ourselves. A pain in the arse, but I can pack a truck like no one’s business.

  • Heather #2

    2002/12/09 at 8:49 am

    Fuck, that sucks. It’s the not knowing that’ll kill ya.

  • Some Guy

    2002/12/09 at 9:07 am

    This is definitely a scam, and guess what? There is very little you can do about it. Why? Because the federal government “de-funded” the department that is supposed to police these people. In other words, in theory the department exists, but with no money and no people. Again in theory, they cannot by law charge you more than a certain percentage of the estimate. But in reality, they will hold your posessions hostage until you pay up. I know it doesn’t help you much at this point, but for anyone else thinking about moving, your best recourse is to find a mover who belongs to the Better Business Bureau. As part of their membership they have to agree to arbitration over pricing disputes. And make sure to check with the BBB, not the movers, to make sure they’re up-to-date members. Also watch out for companies that have names remarkably similiar to well-known moving companies, but aren’t really well-known moving companies.

    My heart goes out to you Dooce. I hope things work out.

  • terry

    2002/12/09 at 9:11 am

    Packing things like boxed books and a futon in additional boxes in order to pad packing charges constitutes fraud. (I think 60 minutes or Hard Copy or some show did an expose on fraudulent movers who do this, among other things.) If they threaten to hold your stuff hostage until you pay, point to the extra boxing and tell them you’re calling the police.

  • propagandist

    2002/12/09 at 9:20 am

    remember when you lamented being back in utah?

    well, now they’re on your turf.

    send THEM home in a box.

  • The Deuce

    2002/12/09 at 9:31 am

    These movers deserve to piledriven, hit with steel chairs and thrown to rabid (Moon)dogs. (And given my background, I can have that arranged.) Hope you find some solace in the fact that others continue to feel the pain of your move. Parked snugly in front of your former aforementioned storage space on Saturday, again basking in the independence of my new space. Two hours later, noticed that i had been cited by an evil cock-sucking parking nazi; seems my VW was “one-inch” over the alloted space, carelessly blocking the path of dog-walkers and orthodox jews in the ‘hood. sweet banana fuck. on the bright side, noticed that previous tenants left behind a broom and a near-full box of trash bags. life is good. i’m sure of it.

  • Kerry

    2002/12/09 at 9:31 am

    Horrific events like these are exactly the reason why we have shows like 20/20.

  • exsouthern babtist

    2002/12/09 at 9:43 am

    What is the name of the moving company? I’m sure that none of us would ever want to do business with them. Oh, and I would double check your stuff when it arrives to make sure everything is definitley there. People, go figure.

  • hilatron

    2002/12/09 at 9:56 am

    I’m a recent mover myself, and my god, just reading that give me an anxiety attack. Good luck with your evil movers, Dooce. You need a girl with a mean temper and lead pipe, you give me a call.

    I’m gonna go hug all my stuff now.

  • peggy

    2002/12/09 at 10:04 am

    So *that’s* what that big-ass truck trying to turn around in my driveway was all about.

  • April

    2002/12/09 at 10:13 am

    i HATE moving.

  • The Mighty Jimbo

    2002/12/09 at 10:13 am

    Anything involving moving is highly suspect, almost always unexthical. Wait till you get your stuff before taking serious action. And talk to a lawyer. And the BBB. And the Chamber of Commerce. And start watching the Soprano’s for research.

  • cicada

    2002/12/09 at 10:14 am

    If you paid for your move with a card, keep a close eye on your statements in the coming months. Another trick that movers sometimes pull is to wait a couple of months and charge you again. I’ve had that happen twice now. Bastards, all!

  • Erika

    2002/12/09 at 10:19 am

    The website link is for the Department of Transportation regarding moving companies. Hope it helps. We are about to move from Cal. to Mass. and your story is pretty scary!

  • Erika

    2002/12/09 at 10:19 am

    The website link is for the Department of Transportation regarding moving companies. Hope it helps. We are about to move from Cal. to Mass. and your story is pretty scary!

  • Erika

    2002/12/09 at 10:19 am

    oops! hit the Think button twice. Sorry about that.

  • Stan

    2002/12/09 at 10:19 am

    You got an ironclad legally binding contract signed by both parties specifying a fixed price and a guaranteed delivery date, right?

  • peggy

    2002/12/09 at 10:21 am

    ..I told them, “Look, you stinking robber barons, this here’s Tennessee, and dooce is really pissed! Now scram!

  • Alexandra

    2002/12/09 at 10:29 am

    Sic Bush on them… tell him that the movers are part of a terrorist network, that might work. Other than that you have my commiserations. 🙁

  • Katherine

    2002/12/09 at 11:04 am

    Some Guy is correct…for an interstate move there really is no one you can turn to. The crime is happening in Utah but the transaction happened in California. So neither state can help. For intrastate moves you can go the authorities.

    There are several websites dedicated to the entire Moving industry and what a complete scam it is. I have a friend who just got taken as well. Moved from San Fransico area to Vermont. The movers left half the stuff behind, and they were 4 weeks late. She had to hire another moving company to take the rest of the stuff.

    These moving company websites say that none of the companies are safe the only way to go is to hire day labors at each end to load and unload a rental truck and move yourself.

    I am so sorry you are getting ripped like this Heather. Best of luck getting all your things in one piece.

  • shy

    2002/12/09 at 11:05 am

    my advice to you is to make like you’re capable of calling people. you know… THOSE kinds of people. the kind of people that would make them suffer. you know, THAT kind of suffer. i’m chinese. i know people. yes… THOSE kinds of people. but i can’t help you because i’m full of it. but maybe some one else out there can make the calls for you. or maybe you can sick chuck on them.

  • Mo Money

    2002/12/09 at 11:49 am

    Dooce, tell them that you will put their name and addresses on your web site telling people how bad they were to you. With the amount of traffic you get here, I’m sure we can combine resources and put them out of business! Of course, they will probably have changed names by then. You gotta do something though.

  • Beerzie Boy

    2002/12/09 at 11:54 am

    Maybe I’m just anal, but I would have burned that data onto cds and stuck them in my jockstrap if they were my source of income.

  • Naaman

    2002/12/09 at 12:11 pm

    Do they have Snicker’s candy bars in Utah? They must not, otherwise the driver wouldn’t have been listening to pelicans screaming, “Save me”, and wondering why they talk.

  • jimbob

    2002/12/09 at 2:13 pm

    it’s damn shame.

  • Kat

    2002/12/09 at 2:50 pm

    I’ve heard of these types of scams before. In fact, I think that whole “triple charging” thing is a very common m.o. of these guys. Take a look at this site. It happens to a lot of people, apparently. http://www.movingscam.com/theScam.shtml

  • john

    2002/12/09 at 4:49 pm

    We spent $4000 to move 1/2 a house 80 miles and my wife still insists it was worth it (I moved the other 1/2 of small items in a rented truck for like $90). I don’t think so. Movers suck.

  • Keith

    2002/12/09 at 5:15 pm

    Sic the ex-Congressman on their nuts. When I moved from Boston to Los Angeles, I sold off all my furniture, shipped five big-ass boxes via UPS to L.A., then piled whatever I could in my car and took off. I couldn’t really afford to hire movers, even though I still miss my furniture very much.

  • Shanni

    2002/12/09 at 5:22 pm

    That’s why I always move with U-haul. Must. Have. Control. From SF – Las Vegas a few months ago = $1,000.

  • dennis

    2002/12/09 at 5:47 pm

    reminds me of the last time i moved… an [unnamed company] paid for my relocation through their preferred moving company — i had a bed, tv, and a computer/desk. for this they scheduled an 18-wheeler to drive 220km, otherwise empty except for my stuff jammed in the front (which occupied about 1% of the overall space). it ended up costing $2000 (CDN) or so. sheesh.

  • United Van Lines

    2002/12/09 at 6:07 pm

    I bet it was us. We do this to everyone. Bwahahaha.

  • heather

    2002/12/09 at 7:44 pm

    they’re most likely doing what my movers did when i moved across country t’other way. gambling. yes, the movers called me from every single gambling emporium between montreal and san francisco. i’m surprised i had a pot to piss in by the time they arrived on my doorstep. still think my drying rack never showed up because they hawked in in winnemuca.

  • occasional kate

    2002/12/09 at 8:39 pm

    why is it that moving to improve one’s life and plan for one’s more fruitful future is so liable to break one’s bank account at the outset? i did the same recently though i sold most of my crap before the move and uhauled my arse cross country. even that hurt the checking acct.

    a friend of mine just made a big move. moving co set a date. and another. and backtracked. and told at least one lie along the way that one guy forgot he’d said and then contradicted himself. she paid them the ridiculous markup and is now regrouping to sue to get it back. keep your eye on your contract and Write Down Every Word They Say. and inspect every goddamned item when it arrives no matter how freakin’ tired you are and how badly you just wanna move the fuck on with your life.

    the assbackward loophole that gets you paying $700 for supplies is one of their sneakiest tactics. they’ll just keep going and going and going and you’ll have no choice but to pay. did i suggest writing it all down?

  • occasional kate

    2002/12/09 at 8:40 pm

    (nice new graphics by the way)

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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