An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Put Up a Parking Lot

So I’m lying there on this table, except it isn’t a table but more like the hybrid offspring of a dentist’s chair and a psychiatrist’s couch, very cold and covered in butcher paper (which is appropriate on so many levels), and I’m thinking that this lady is doing a disproportionately large amount of talking to actual ripping. And I’m wondering if she knows that hot wax has a tendency to dry, like concrete.

And I’m remembering that my bikini waxer in Los Angeles, while a total airhead and one-dimensional in many respects (she once referred to a compilation cd as a copulation cd), somehow understood this principle of physics. She knew that if she left steaming wax on the body too long she’d pull off shards of quivering skin along with the wax. And I’m missing her like a soldier of war, tired and fearful, misses his wife and kids back home.

And just as I realize that this new waxer woman hasn’t started removing the wax, I also realize that she’s waving the waxing wand around like she’s conducting an orchestra, bringing the alto saxes up to an exploding crescendo, and she’s spilling stray wax all over my bare knees.

So I look up like a turtle flipped and stranded on its back, just to see what’s going on because I can feel the wax hardening. And suddenly I’m confronted with glowing blue asphalt, two inches thick, the length of a private driveway, bonding to the inside of both of my thighs. And I’m thinking, this can’t be right. I can’t be seeing that.

And I’m thinking, there’s no way she’s ever going to be able to get that off my body, not even if she were a surgeon with a bulldozer, and that I’m going to have two permanent airport landing strips, newly paved, free for landing on the lower half of my body for the rest of my life.

And just as I start to panic she finally stops talking and notices that I notice what she’s doing. And she says something like, it looks a lot worse than it actually is, something a deadbeat boyfriend would say when he shows up to your house late with lipstick on his collar, and I’m totally really not convinced.

And then she says something like, let’s just get it over with, on the count of three: one, two . . . But all I hear is the creaking, un-oiled hinge on the lid of the coffin, and the final snapping shut of death.

So when I say spontanoues bikini wax, I’m talking about the kind where you realize that, oh hey, they do bikini waxes here, right here in a salon next to the grocery store, so while he goes to pick up some milk and bean dip, I’ll just wander over and have my loins systematically and violently ripped from my body.

  • ouch…

  • erika

    ……is there anything that men do to themselves that is remotely as painful as what we do to ourselves?! if men only knew what we go through. And I mean REALLY knew. They have no clue. <=o/

  • Katherine

    Precisely why I’m never getting one of those. I jump a foot in the air everytime I get my eyebrows waxed… I could never stand the pain of a bikini wax. *shudders*

  • i’m eternally suspicious of cute little shops next to grocery stores. i went to get my nails done once at this place next to a grocery store, and i ended up getting bloody cuticles done by a large, oafish man. it took my hands weeks to recover.

  • Vasectomies.

  • kidfarthest

    why should men desire to *really* understand such insanities? that’s akin to appealing to a normal, sneaker-clad pedestrian to *really* understand what a ballerina goes through to pull off those beautiful movements in order to more fully appreciate the dance. That’s not how it works. If we think about the mangled and bloody feet its not a beautiful thing at all. Same with the various follicular holocausts women put themselves through.

  • Yeah, Naaman– I get a vasectomy every third Tuesday just to keep my boxers from sagging in that, y’know, less than appealing fashion that they sag when, um, the yambag hasn’t been nipped and tucked in just the right way.

  • There have been numerous ads here (Washington DC), including radio promos, for the laser hair removal. I’m so thinking about it. I means, guys have their nads zapped, and nothing gets injured. It can’t be that bad!

  • JSN

    Bikini waxing scares me more than being accused of having 70’s bush in the heat of the moment.

  • oh dooce, i’ve totally had this happen to me before. and it wasn’t even spontaneous, i’d actually made the appointment and everything and she nearly killed me.

  • This is the first time I have ever fainted while reading dooce.com.

  • It sounds as if this bikini waxer got the words “copulation” and “waxing” mixed-up; because you definately got screwed.

  • I’m thinking next time, a weed whacker.

  • Donna

    I know the feeling. My friend, who dragged me to the wax, informed me that I bled. The bikini waxer told her so.

  • yes, but, heather (commenter heather, that is) – the laser hair removal commercials you are hearing are more for people who want to remove hair from their faces and maybe legs and things like that. laser bikini removal is of course, done, but not really something they do often. anyway, I have had laser hair removal on my face and let me tell you, it is *painful* – a million times more painful than a waxing… so I would never in a million years suggest to do the laser down there… if it hurts that much on the face, ohhh boyyy….

  • Ex-liontamer

    Lemme get this straight. You hire someone to put wax next to WHERE?

  • Ok…I am SOOOO glad that I’m a man.

  • This “spontaneous bikini wax” doesn’t sound like a scenario for a porno movie, it sounds more like a Bela Lugosi movie. Horrors!

  • I only ever had my bikini line waxed once in my life. The subsequent bruising was so bad that my bits were still icky bruise-yellow coloured when the regrowth started.
    (Normally I just lurk but I wanted to comment today – I feel your pain!)

  • On the way up to Memphis, there’s a massive billboard for “Quick Vascectomy Reversal.” That sounds painful…

  • ron

    sorry abt yr episode. today’s title made me smile because i have been learning to play big yellow taxi on the guitar.

  • Good for you! Next time go for the Playboy wax and get any straggling butt hairs too.

  • Long ago, I decided to give up the fight with my nether follicles. Now I can cross my legs without wincing, and no one has kicked me out of bed yet.

    Now, as for those who ran screaming before we even got to the bed part, that’s a different thing altogether…

  • Boobies are so much less compicated.

  • yes – compicated

  • cat

    oh i showed my dearly beloved what i go through…
    once he was taking a nap after i had suffered through a particularly nasty waxing that left me BRUISED. soooooo –
    i snuck upon the sleeping little angel, lifted his shirt and slathered his back with hot wax and yanked for all i was worth. he woke up screaming for his life and his mommy and the puppy he had when he was 10 and i said, “there. multiply that by 100 and think about why i’m grumpy.” now he never says anything if i allow things to um…take a walk on the wild side
    -if you will – for a little bit b/c i don’t have the courage to deal with the bloody torture of my nether regions…

  • ME

    It wasn’t a Brazillian, was it? The type of waxing I mean. Not the waxer.

  • oh honey, a skilled waxer is more valuable than a good haircutter or facialist. i’m so sorry you had to endure that horror of all horrors, and i hope you had a good supply of khiel’s lady shaverette lotion at home to help with the aftermath. (if not i suggest putting it on your xmas list!)

  • God. Please tell me where you were so I can make sure never to go there.

  • We men endure Scott Baio marathons on TVLand. If that’s not as emotionally painful and scarring as the physical aspects of a bikini wax, I don’t know what is.

  • While I’ve never done it, I might suggest that many gay men might empathize after a fashion, but straight men… no.

    Just remember that during waxings, periods, childbirth… well, either the Christians are right and God hates women or the angry lesibian feminists are right and ya’all’d be better off not subjegating yourselves to the standards set by men.
    Both may be frightening prospects, but at the end of the day you must ask… which one are you crawling into bed with?

    And I suggest that you make your spouse have his body plucked individually with rusty pliers to further your relationship. Appreciation is always a boon.

  • my thighs have sympathy pains

  • audrey

    scott baio is my god

  • Desiree

    I was so freaked by the potential pain of bikini waxing that I only first had one years after I had a child and after I got tattooed; I did it in anticipation of a trip to Maui this last Sept., and I went for the gold on my first try by getting a playboy wax. I will never forget the first time I looked in a mirror afterward and was like “Hello, I haven’t seen you since I was like 10”! Though shockingly painful (at first), it’s so worth it.

  • these are my best comments ever. it feels like i’ve unleashed a lurking grumble, and I say, let it ROAR.

  • For the record, she was waxing before I entered the scene… I’m still grateful and respectful. And there is no male pain like female pain… Men, get over yourselves. We are walking sperm banks. Occasionally with beards.

  • Your description is so dreamlike, that I’m still having trouble convincing myself this really happened.

    Regardless, it confirms my conviction to stick to other, less painful, hair removal methods.

  • Glovia

    Desiree: you waxed the bottom system? That would be an even more tearful photo than of Dooce’s niece.

  • Ericalynn: around here, any hairy part goes. I can’t remember the name of the company doing it now, but DC101 had a big promo recently, asking for guys to send in their scary back hair stories, and the best one would get about $6K worth of hair removal. Underarms, nads, backs, bikinis – anything goes.

  • I have an epilator under my bathroom sink collecting dust. I actually used to think it was pretty nifty until I tried epilating my underarms. It’s kind of like trying to remove hair by scraping it off with an exacto knife.

  • I shave, but using a product titled (no I’m not kidding) Coochy Creme. No bumps, no ingrown hairs, no razor burn, no chemical burn and no idiots who have no business near my coochy near my coochy.

  • dayna

    in the emerg dep’t i work at, we had a lovely woman come in a few months ago, after enduring a brazilian wax. she paid over 100 bucks (canadian, gasp!) to have half her labia burned off. i’m sure they can do marvellous things with plastic surgery these days….

  • I will admit to being a complete baby when I get my eyebrows waxed.

    However, I would rather get my entire body waxed than get another trans-glans genital piercing.

    Don’t make me post the video online.

  • Yet another reason why every girl needs to get a set of nads.

  • Keith: did you seriously just compare Scott Baio marathons to bikini waxing???

  • RW

    erica asks, “is there anything that men do to themselves that is remotely as painful as what we do to ourselves?!”

    yes, erica. we go out with women.

  • Sheila

    N-A-I-R.

  • Aubrey #3

    Wow! I will never ask my wife to get one of these! Thank you Dooce! My wife will thank you too!
    –Aubrey

  • Dude, men. Did you not read the post? Did you not see what the Non-Waxed Husband had to say??? You sooooo can’t compete.

  • Um, Sheila… I’ve heard on good authority that N-A-I-R and your nether regions should NEVER be mixed. But, then, I’m a guy. You get on with your bad self.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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