the smell of my desperation has become a stench

A Very Merry Christmas

Chuck totally wanted me to dress him up in a jaunty bow and ribbon. I didn’t even have to bribe him with cheese and bacon-flavored biscuits to get him to sit still for these portraits, not at all.

Jon and I will be spending the next several days in various corners of the Salt Lake City area, giving homemade gifts to The Family Units, listening to 4-yr old boys whine so loudly that they sound like an adult immitating a 4-yr old boy whining, picking out the walnuts in the holiday fudge and slipping them to Chuck under the table (Jon is so going to kill me for this), singing and screaming and trying not to fall asleep during the reading of the nativity story as written in several parts of the New Testament.

Have a wonderful holiday, forgive your family, and drink whiskey. See you next year.

  • meredith

    2002/12/23 at 11:33 am

    yay! thanks for the connor. and happy holidays. i just dropped my roommate off at the airport, destination: utah.

  • Tammy

    2002/12/23 at 11:47 am

    Happy Holidays everyone.I ususally lurk but I wanted to leave a message today :).Be safe and be happy and be a little naughty if you have to. You only live once.

  • The Ghost of Jimmy Stewart

    2002/12/23 at 11:59 am

    Snow, snow please fall,
    On the heads and hoods of our friends one and all,
    Who bring us good gear,
    And a six pack of beer,
    And gift certificates from the mall.

    Over highways they ride,
    Or in jets four seats wide,
    They travel across our crass land.
    Though they’ve searched high and low,
    They’re trading love for some dough,
    And wonder how giving got out of hand.

    Take a deep breath, oh you harried souls
    Consider while pondering the hearth’s coals,
    Just what we’re supposed to be sharing,
    The snow on the walk,
    Memories and small talk,
    And friendship where cash has no bearing.

  • Keith

    2002/12/23 at 12:09 pm

    I’m a Jew… a lonely Jew… at Chriiiiiiistmaaaaas… Happy holidays & a safe non-stressful journey to everyone at the Blurbodoocery. I’ll raise my glass of heavily spiked eggnog to y’all while I’m sitting in a Chinese restaurant having Christmas Day dinner.

  • Mrs. Kennedy

    2002/12/23 at 12:13 pm

    Who does Chuck think he is, Barbara Walters?

  • The Mighty Jimbo

    2002/12/23 at 12:16 pm

    Your dog hates you for the ribbon, but bacon goes a long way toward canine forgiveness.

    I have to forgive my family. We are Italian and do plenty to one another that requires forgiveness.

    But whiskey? Ugh. It makes you spontaneously grow back hair. I’ll stick to tequilla personally.

    Merry Christmas Dooce. And thanks for making my holidays significantly more entertaining.

    PS: Resolution proposal for you: Write a book.

  • A Medium

    2002/12/23 at 12:18 pm

    Who knew I was channeling Dooce last night when, after 5 gin & tonics, I excused myself for a moment to turn on the Christmas tree lights so as to make the room (as I chose to put it) “Motherfucking festive.”

    Happy Holidays.

  • slackjaw

    2002/12/23 at 12:57 pm

    Happy Holidays Dooce! Thank you so much for the gifts. There is no better present that I have recieved this year than reading your very silly blog. The ability to make me (and everyone) laugh is pretty special and unique.Wish I could repay you in the same!

  • aaron

    2002/12/23 at 1:23 pm

    Merry Christmas Dooce!

  • Cindi

    2002/12/23 at 1:27 pm

    Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight…

  • Jason Kill

    2002/12/23 at 1:28 pm

    Chuck + Nikon + Anne Geddes = Reason for the Season.

  • Angelique

    2002/12/23 at 1:44 pm

    Many happy moments, many happy returns. You three are very fortunate to have the love, sarchasm and wit to make the holidays a bit brighter. Have a safe holiday and new year.

  • se

    2002/12/23 at 1:44 pm

    Chuck is such a handsome boy in his finery. He’s so grown up. Thanks for sharing your fun things, your serious things, your photos, your music, your humor, and your wit. Best wishes to you, the husband, and Chuckles.

  • Xanthan

    2002/12/23 at 2:17 pm

    Merry Christmas to all three inhabitants of the Blurbodoocery. I leave you with my favorite alternative Christmas carol, courtesy of that sage of old comics Pogo.
    Deck us all with Boston Charlie.Walla Walla Wash. and KalamazooNora’s freezing on the trolleySwaller dollar cauliflour alley garoo. Don’t we know archaic barrel,Lullaby Lilla Boy, Lousiville Lou.
    Trolley Molly don’t love Harold, Boola boola Pensacola hullabaloo.

  • Kevin

    2002/12/23 at 2:30 pm

    Decibels… I was watching the syndicated version of Who Wants to be a Millionnaire the other night and learned that 30 decibels is one hundred times more than 10 decibels. I think. Merry Christmas, Dooce.

  • Zosia

    2002/12/23 at 3:55 pm

    Merry holiday and all that. I am currently forcing my dogs to view Chuck’s pictures in the small hope they, too, will let me decorate them with various festive cheer.

  • occasional kate

    2002/12/23 at 5:11 pm

    spreading the joy once more … thank you and happy holidays!

  • Michele

    2002/12/23 at 5:18 pm

    ~~~Happy Holidays~~~
    to my favorite family 🙂

  • Mark Crane

    2002/12/23 at 7:49 pm

    Went caroling tonight on a hayride/trailer. Everyone ran out of songs after 20 minutes. It was cold. Merry Christmas, Dooce Groupies.

  • spike

    2002/12/23 at 7:56 pm

    have a merry christmas and a happy new year!


  • jen

    2002/12/23 at 8:31 pm

    Bob, Doug, and I wish you lots of things this christmas, but hopefully a beer… in a tree.

  • Totah DinÈ

    2002/12/23 at 8:39 pm

    ewww.. doggie walnut farts

  • devilishkittykaat

    2002/12/23 at 8:59 pm

    just wanted to de-lurk to thank you for your amazing writing. thanks for making me laugh!

    merry christmas and happy holidays!

  • Desiree

    2002/12/23 at 9:08 pm

    What? No reindeer antlers or santa’s hat for Chuck? *blocking my dog Luna’s view of the monitor so she cannot see Chuck* (I told her that no dog could escape x-mas as easily as just a bow and ribbon)

    Happy x-mas and all the best for 2003 in your new home; LA will miss you; hope santa’s good to you even though you may have toed the line between naughty and nice.

  • Edsmonkey

    2002/12/23 at 10:08 pm

    Chuck looks mutherfucking festive!

  • Snyder

    2002/12/24 at 12:16 am

    I just happend apon your site today and while reading through some past posts ive become a fan.
    Oh, and your dog looks great.

  • Jen

    2002/12/24 at 3:37 am

    Merry Christmas Dooce and DJ Blurb.

  • Wojo

    2002/12/24 at 3:50 am

    I am just a frequent lurker but I just wanted to thank you for allowing all of us (lurkers and non-lurkers alike) to read your rantings and stories. I can’t stop myself from checking back often to see what is going on in your world.

    All the best to you, Chuck and the Bearded One.

  • Lin

    2002/12/24 at 4:08 am

    Merry Whatever You Celebrate. We’re going to get 5-7 inches of snow here in the mountains. YAY.

  • rickster

    2002/12/24 at 5:39 am

    Dooce…..have a great X-mas. I feel like i get a present from you every day when I open your website. The Blogs from the “Wax” Section almost killed me with Laughter the other day!!! I’m off to be MotherF@#$%ng Festive!!!

    P.S. – Kevin you’re right about the Decibels. 30 is 100 times louder than 10.

  • Katherine

    2002/12/24 at 6:42 am

    Merry Christmas and thanks for those cute Chuck pictures.

  • the propagandist

    2002/12/24 at 9:16 am

    i hate to be repetitive, but:

    this is why dogs bite people. they hate soft focus.

  • Fantasy Island Girl

    2002/12/24 at 10:43 am

    Have a Merry Christmas!

  • Brooke

    2002/12/24 at 12:35 pm

    Chuck sure is looking festive. Glad to see there are not ornaments hanging from his ears, though, because that would have required cheese and bacon-flavored biscuits, and lots of them.

    Merry Christmas!

  • Registered Trademark

    2002/12/24 at 6:18 pm

    Merry Motherfucking Doocemas to the Dooce, Blurbomat and Chuck household extravaganza.

  • daisy

    2002/12/24 at 6:52 pm

    Happy Holidays.

  • kath

    2002/12/24 at 8:15 pm

    Ha. Don’t give me that “no biscuits” bit — I can see them reflected in his eyes.

  • kane

    2002/12/25 at 9:27 am

    I was so very happy when you returned to write in your journal this year. Thank you for sharing your unique perspective and sense of humor throughout the year. Have a wonderful Christmas.

  • shy

    2002/12/25 at 11:39 am

    merry christmas, dooce. as i sit here in thunder bay at my fiance’s parents’ place, the cat and dog are fighting over the catnip. no bloody snow though… i travelled all the way up to the great white north and there’s no snow. meanwhile, toronto is covered by a white blanket. how fair is that? chuck looks rox0r! what a pornstar!!!

  • P.T. Bosum

    2002/12/25 at 9:52 pm

    merry xmas dooce and jon, happy holidays in mormon country . . .

  • the media

    2002/12/25 at 11:35 pm

    happy birthday to big baby jesus. so many ass pumping comments. must be the holidays.

  • lauren

    2002/12/26 at 5:49 am

    merry christmas, dooce :).
    chuck looks adorable.

  • rebecca

    2002/12/27 at 10:16 am

    chuck is so pretty… i’m jealous.

  • Xanthan

    2002/12/27 at 11:40 am

    That soft golden light… ah, what a portrait. Annie Liebowitz has nothing on you, Dooce.

    Merry Christmas to all in the Blurbodoocery: Dooce, John & the forger Congressman.


    2002/12/27 at 9:05 pm

    Do I really talk that much?
    Come home, we all miss you guys. Merry Christmas and if we don’t speak to you, have a Happy New Year.

  • Dirty

    2002/12/27 at 11:28 pm

    why the f*bombs? Why!?

  • Michael

    2002/12/28 at 7:04 pm

    Anyone else think that Dooce and Blurb are giving Chuck the Jon-Benet Ramsey treatment? How long until he has the little cowboy hat and vest?

  • alli

    2002/12/28 at 8:14 pm

    The dog is adorable. Yes, that is what I think.

  • Heather #2

    2002/12/29 at 8:36 pm

    I hope your fucking New Year fucking rocks like fuck! Have the best fucking New Year and fucking thanks for fucking fucking making my ’02 the rockin’est blog year fucking ever! You’re the fucking best!!! Fuck!

  • PJ

    2002/12/30 at 4:13 am

    If you bribed Chuck with Chew-Rific brand cheese and bacon flavored chews, I can see why he did it. Those things smell humanly good enough to eat. I drank lots of merlot instead of whisky, unless Bailey’s counts. Happy New Year to you and Jon!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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