Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.

Put Up a Parking Lot

So I’m lying there on this table, except it isn’t a table but more like the hybrid offspring of a dentist’s chair and a psychiatrist’s couch, very cold and covered in butcher paper (which is appropriate on so many levels), and I’m thinking that this lady is doing a disproportionately large amount of talking to actual ripping. And I’m wondering if she knows that hot wax has a tendency to dry, like concrete.

And I’m remembering that my bikini waxer in Los Angeles, while a total airhead and one-dimensional in many respects (she once referred to a compilation cd as a copulation cd), somehow understood this principle of physics. She knew that if she left steaming wax on the body too long she’d pull off shards of quivering skin along with the wax. And I’m missing her like a soldier of war, tired and fearful, misses his wife and kids back home.

And just as I realize that this new waxer woman hasn’t started removing the wax, I also realize that she’s waving the waxing wand around like she’s conducting an orchestra, bringing the alto saxes up to an exploding crescendo, and she’s spilling stray wax all over my bare knees.

So I look up like a turtle flipped and stranded on its back, just to see what’s going on because I can feel the wax hardening. And suddenly I’m confronted with glowing blue asphalt, two inches thick, the length of a private driveway, bonding to the inside of both of my thighs. And I’m thinking, this can’t be right. I can’t be seeing that.

And I’m thinking, there’s no way she’s ever going to be able to get that off my body, not even if she were a surgeon with a bulldozer, and that I’m going to have two permanent airport landing strips, newly paved, free for landing on the lower half of my body for the rest of my life.

And just as I start to panic she finally stops talking and notices that I notice what she’s doing. And she says something like, it looks a lot worse than it actually is, something a deadbeat boyfriend would say when he shows up to your house late with lipstick on his collar, and I’m totally really not convinced.

And then she says something like, let’s just get it over with, on the count of three: one, two . . . But all I hear is the creaking, un-oiled hinge on the lid of the coffin, and the final snapping shut of death.

So when I say spontanoues bikini wax, I’m talking about the kind where you realize that, oh hey, they do bikini waxes here, right here in a salon next to the grocery store, so while he goes to pick up some milk and bean dip, I’ll just wander over and have my loins systematically and violently ripped from my body.

  • Copulation CD = Barry White’s Greatest Hits

  • coley

    why would you want to do this anyway? more power to those who do, but i’m all for natural stuff…

  • Coochy Creme? Now there’s a domain name I need to register. Almost as good as

  • Your Correctional Officer

    To all those people who think men don’t have to go through that amount of pain: 1) being kicked in the balls and 2) kidney stones. Having 2 rocks, dare I say BOULDERS, come out of the most sensitive part of your body. The part of the body that usually is a male’s sole purpose in life, that if he were removed he would not want to live anymore. And he’s pushing ROCKS through it. LOTS of them. Hurts like nothing anyone who hasn’t popped a 7 lbs baby out of their nether regions and the reason why I think there is no god.

  • OK, Correctional Officer, I’ll give you that, although women also experience great pain from kidney stones. We, too, have a small urinary tract from which we must excrete said stones. But really, Scott Baio and girlfriends??? That’s like having someone tell you their spouse just died and you say, “Yeah. I know what you’re going through. I just lost my favorite pair of shoes last week.”

  • Wayne

    2% milk and medium spicy bean dip?

  • jen

    I do the laser hair removal thing (on my face) and let me tell you, it is like a hundred little needles in your face every 6 weeks. Women totally suffer for beauty. Oh, the insanity.

  • Dave Thomas

    If I could become beautiful just by removing a few facial hairs, I wouldn’t complain about it.

  • Ok, I have to admit that I must not know jack about bikini waxing. I had mine for the first time about a month ago, and I asked for a Brazilian thinking that she would take off all the hair and leave a little bit at the top, a sort of pubic Hitler mustache. Instead she ripped off all the top hair and left everything south of the Great Divide intact. Like a goatee. What’s a Playboy then? Is that what I thought a Brazilian was? And by the way, although I almost cried and changed my mind in the middle of the waxing and leapt off the table with half a bush, I so love it now. A month later and there’s still barely enough to care about. Can’t beat that.

  • ever try waxing from home? i have had great success with a $5 box of Sally Hansen’s warm wax hair remover kit. 4 minutes in the microwave, and it comes with a little bottle of lotion to dull the pain afterwards. it hurt, but not bad enough to keep me from using it again and again. plus, total control…and nobody up in your grill. smooth.

  • Sheila

    Hey Bill,
    I was referring to a ‘standard’ bikini situation…not the ‘full monty’. But hot wax or Nair…you’re supposed to endeavor to keep both away from those delicate membranes.
    Wax on….

  • Amy

    They do bikini waxes in Utah???

  • Zan

    You do this on purpose?

  • Dave Thomas

    Only when “praying the hair away” fails.

  • So on a scale from say, full-body massage nekkid, to pap smear nekkid, just how invasive are these bikini waxes anyway? Are we talking stirrups here?

  • folically challenged

    what’s a brazilian wax? what’s a playboy wax? pray tell.

  • Erika — My wife wanted to test out this new “wax” she found to see if it really worked the way they said it would. The dog was nowhere to be found; so, she made me volunteer to test this — molten lava — on my back. I didn’t know that hair follicles were that well supplied with blood. The pain — I do not mind now when I hit my thumb with the hammer. And the worst thing was, she said, “We can’t just do part of it. It looks funny.” And it must have looked funny because she was laughing her ass off.

  • Ex-liontamer

    Oh yeah, and “Caveat Emptor”.

  • moose

    oh. my. god.

  • seriously, don’t kill the messenger.

  • Kat

    I agree with Leslie. A skilled waxer is extremely important. I nearly canceled a move across the country for a waxer. I’m not kidding.

    And Miss Mea-Mea: your waxer does not understand what a Brazilian wax is. Your original description of a “pubic Hitler mustache” is pretty much correct. It conjures up some really odd imagery, though.

  • i’ve used a home-wax kit and let’s just say i think i’ll leave the bikini waxing to the professionals. even if i do end up with a little bruising.

  • cat

    ok, ok – i only wish i could demonstrate getting the wax like my cousin laura did. but i can’t – so onward. the thing that all the playboy models have is a brazilian wax…. so, a playboy and a brazilian are one and the same.

    darlin’, whoever left you with all your lower bottom system hair did not do a successful job. of course, you might be happy about that. 🙂 i just don’t have the guts to wax out all my hair, um, back thataway.
    and the aforementioned cousin said the lady she goes to puts numbing cream on it all. i mean, ALL OVER IT. she did a nifty demo of that too…

    hey – where does one buy coochy creme?

  • Kat

    Oh, and Dooce: I feel your pain. I’ve had some hellish waxes before. I once went to a waxer who put the wax on wayyyy too hot, and the skin in my “area” was peeling like a sunburn for a week. So attractive. I told her it was too hot at least five times, and she told me to stop being such a baby and suck it up. Needless to say, I never went back. I also entertained many thoughts of her brutal and painful death. Because I’m forgiving like that.

  • Yet another day when I think: “Thank you God for making me a man!”

    Don’t get me wrong, I love women, but I don’t comprehend some of the things you do to yourselves.

    Wax + bikini line /= good.

  • Million-dollar idea: “Lakesha’s International House of Tequilla and Waxing”.

  • PD

    Stop all that waxing. Who ever told you ladies that a landing strip was sexy? It’s NOT. Removing hairs that spill over into the navel or the thighs is one matter, but stop removing all that soft fluffy goodness down there. It looks good, OK?

  • Too Embarassed

    Does it itch when it grows back? I had to be shaved down there once when I had a procedure for infertility done and I was scratching for weeks while it grew back. It was neither attractive nor comfortable.

  • lor

    reason #5,218 i will not wax in that region.

  • an honest man

    i appreciate the pain you ladies go through.

    the “bald” look is a wonderful one.

    so… thanks 🙂

  • markh

    i once thought i had minstrel cramps, but it was just my hammered dulcimer. does that count?

  • kgjbnme

    ahh, yes, the snatch wax. I’ve been to a couple of ’em who are clueless or sadists or both, and ended up stippled and ouchy, but my current wax on/wax off lady, a very efficient Russian dollface in her 40’s, is a dream. She’s quick, requiring only two strips per side, and as gentle as could be under the circumstances. The relatively good experience and the stubble-free month are worth the price (3X what the clueless sadists charge). And as for why I don’t go natural? Please. What’s sexy about a wild jungle peeking out from the edges of the thong front? My actual bottom system, however, is a wax-free zone — Lara Flynn Weirdo, I’m not. Oh, and one more thing:

    Men: shut up.

  • moose

    Most of these men have not a clue. Scrumptious Bearded One exempted, of course.

  • Damn lost my comment. I always thought the bald look was wonderful… TO A PEDOPHILE!!! I mean, common, let it grow, let it grow, let it grow. Besides it is much more comfortable “aux natural” then when it reaches “sandpaper crotch” stage and causes me lots-o-chafing.

  • As unsure as I am about Los Angeles, I do have to vouch for the skill of the waxers here. Since everyone waxes their EVERYTHING here, the waxers have lots of practice…and are so cheap! Why, I just had a full leg and bikini done by Mena, my Iranian waxer/love slave, for $25!! That woulda cost me $60 in Seattle.

    Bad waxers, meanwhile, are the stuff of nightmares. I had one wax job in Olympia, WA where the waxer applied opaque glop (the sort meant for faces) from above my knee to below my ankle, AND TRIED TO RIP IT OFF ALL AT ONCE! As you can imagine, one 20″ strip of fabric cannot be pulled off in one quick yank, and so it took her FOREVER to rip it off bit by bit. AWFUL! I had ingrown hairs and red bumps for weeks. And it cost a fortune!

    When you find the best waxer in Utah, you kiss her, hug her, and never let her go.

  • Oh, and to answer Brynn’s question about what a “brazil wax” REALLY is? A brazil is when they wax your entire gential area, all the way from the front to the back. Let me be more blunt: it includes everything from your pubic triangle to your ass crack. Everything. I have never had it done, but used to go to place that specialized. Oh, and no: the hair that grows in post-waxing does NOT ITCH like post-shaving hair. It grows back oh so soft. And now, I’ll stop talking about waxing.

  • darsella

    i just had a very trying wax experience last weekend (my nurturing and expeditious russian regular was out of town so i went to a very poor replacement) and not only am i recovering from scalded skin but she ruined my favorite black shirt!! i never thought i’d say ‘be grateful you had hot wax dripped on your knees’ but it might be better than having hot wax dripped across your favorite shirt, and then have the inept waxer try to rub it off (grind it in) with a wet towel.

    i also learned that you cannot shave AND wax. i was chastised by the dribbler for having shaved a little. newbies, if you’re going to take the wax plunge, make sure you havent shaved in the previous 4 weeks. oh, and dont wear anything you like.

  • Natasha

    Never, ever, ever, ever.

  • pea joe.

    Hey, about being a minority here in SLC, … you are in slc aren’t you … just remember i got your back. I didn’t grow up in The Church, but I do have Mo family and I did grow up being pissed at The Church. but ever since I got out of high school I’ve realized that it gets better here every year. It sounds like y’alls friends in The Church are pretty ok, but if you’re having difficulty with The Church, get yourself some heathen friends. If y’all are having trouble appreciating the city or the state, meet some transplants, ‘cuz all of ’em liked it enough to move here.

  • My only question is, what’s wrong with having 70s bush? Unless you’re going to a P.Diddy party, that is.

  • Trimmed

    There’s nothing wrong with a ’70s bush…but bare skin makes the whole area more sensative. I’m not advocating waxing ye olde cooter, but a little trim here and there does wonders for the sensation factor.

  • Shamed

    …Naturally, I meant sensItive.

  • It’s official…I’m so never doing this.

  • GracieFay

    And that’s the exact reason I prefer to let my loins wear a full fur coat. Call me Cleopatra Jones if you must.

  • s

    we go through great pains just to be in fasion

  • thinker

    i accidently entered your website, while on a trail to find out more about mormans….i clicked lifestlyes, mormans….and your website was one search.
    i sure found in interesting to have some insight on what u spoke.
    i came to this country a few yrs back, and just happen to know that there many mormans in my college, and all i know is most of them are married young, have many kids, and they are mormans!
    was just curious to know why so many young people were so devoted to religon, quite rare to see.

  • thinker

    oh yeah by the way in reference to this posting…..i get my legs and hands waxed its usually fast and quick few seconds of pain and then 1-2 months of alopecia…..
    also its better than shaving.
    never tried bikini waxing however! ……

  • JSN

    70’s bush has served me well thus far…

  • kidfarthest

    I’m with Dill on the pedophile factor– I don’t know why else that would be considered attractive unless men are pressuring women to simulate young snatch… and women also believe themselves to be more beautiful when they look pre- or barely pubescent down there. Whatever.

  • Ricky Ticky Taffy

    It’s not a pedophile thing. I hope not for most people anyways. It’s a considerate thing for when we go down there. Ever had a short n’ curly stuck between your teeth? Go lick a soft wire brush to get an idea of what it’s like and you’ll understand the considerable difference in comfort for the guy.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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