the smell of my desperation has become a stench

Happiness is . . .

  • rosebaby

    2003/01/15 at 9:22 am

    love that. so does the dog.

  • Kate

    2003/01/15 at 9:23 am

    And speaking of that, I’m #2.

  • rosebaby

    2003/01/15 at 9:24 am

    p.s. much like asparagus pee, grape juice poop is weird smelling.

  • the propagandist

    2003/01/15 at 9:28 am

    so you complain about weird comments and you post this?

    the hounds give inspiration to us all – they’re like colons with fur.

  • aubs

    2003/01/15 at 9:31 am

    …or when your cats finally learn the difference between YOUR bathtub and THEIR litterbox.

  • dooce

    2003/01/15 at 9:32 am

    propagandist: i never complained about *weird* comments. in fact, the weird ones are my favorites. they make great dinner conversation with my Granny, like, ìGranny, is grape juice poop weird smelling, or what? Pass the gravy.î

  • LK

    2003/01/15 at 9:34 am

    yay! congrats, dooce. 😉 as someone who has gone through the few-days-without-pooping experience, i know exactly how you feel.

  • poop on a stick

    2003/01/15 at 9:42 am

    Silly propagandist, she doesn’t complain about weird comments she just edits/ censors them out of her web site… come on get it right….


    2003/01/15 at 9:43 am

    i am on the atkins diet (induction phase) for 14 days (i’m now on day 9), and as you may or may not know, it’s a low-carb, hi-protein diet which means lotsa meat, notta lotta veggies. i’m like totally serious when i say when i pooped this morning, it was only the second time in 9 days. somehow i remain happy, even though it was rather short and i didn’t even get to finish up all my avantgo pages whilst on the loo.

  • dooce

    2003/01/15 at 9:45 am

    actually, poop on a stick, i only edit/censor yours.

  • Carrie

    2003/01/15 at 9:45 am

    Exactly, Dooce. Simple, mundane things become of paramount importance in their absence. Like, being able to breathe out of your nose is an extremely underrated pleasure – until, of course, one cannot do so.
    As to your particular private misery, I can only offer these words of hope and consolation: Metamucil mixed with orange juice. Godspeed.

  • leblanc

    2003/01/15 at 9:47 am

    i remember hearing somewhere that if you always look in the toilet before you flush, it’s some sort of Freudian symptom of deep psychological issues. is this true? because i do. every time.

  • megchem

    2003/01/15 at 9:47 am

    Ha…good one dooce!

  • poop on a stick

    2003/01/15 at 9:48 am

    that makes me feel so special 🙂

  • Ariel

    2003/01/15 at 9:59 am

    I have a good friend with some pooping issues, and when we went to Burning Man together in 1999, she simply could not poop the whole time we were there. Which was four days. I wanted to cry for her.

    For those eager to get REALLY into their poop, I recommend the Arise and Shine cleanse. Woo. What poop that is!

  • April

    2003/01/15 at 10:02 am

    That said, my cat must be very, very happy.

  • Glovia

    2003/01/15 at 10:03 am

    Bring back “How to Charm Me/Annoy Me” etc. That was so great.

  • Funtime Ben

    2003/01/15 at 10:05 am

    Ahhh, poop. It’s the last bastion of hope for the blogging community.

  • the propagandist

    2003/01/15 at 10:10 am

    dooce: yes dear, a glance at your archives illuminates my error.

    please accept my apologies, but i really needed a lead in to the colons with fur comment.

  • Underwear Ninja

    2003/01/15 at 10:17 am

    For a long time, my diet was all screwy, and I was in huge amounts of colon pain once a week, and only once a week. Morning Raisin Bran and afternoon Jamba Juice 5 times weekly. I’m not regular, but I’m daily. There’s no colon cramping, and that’s Happiness enough for me.

  • anna

    2003/01/15 at 10:21 am

    i could not agree more.
    one of my friends asked me recently if i would rather never take a satisfying shit again in my life or give up orgasms.

    it was a hard one for me to answer.

    that’s how much i love pooping. or perhaps more accurately – how much i love the absence of the bloating, discomfort, irritability and general grossness that come along with chronic constipation.

    my kingdom for a poop….

  • anna

    2003/01/15 at 10:24 am

    oh yeah!

    speaking of grosser than gross – i think THIS will win the big money prize…..

  • Jennay

    2003/01/15 at 10:30 am

    Ah, I just pooped like 2 minutes ago. I was actually just talking about this with my mom. I’m usually a mid-afternoon pooper, and according to Ma, I always have been. I cherish regular poops, and I never realized how much until I caught a wicked nasty stomach flu where I wasn’t pooping regularly. I was either pooping 6 times in an hour or NOT pooping for 4 days. I just like pooping.

  • Avril Lavigne

    2003/01/15 at 10:31 am

    I like to eat poop for breakfast.

    That’s kink. Top that, Brittany.

  • dooce

    2003/01/15 at 10:34 am

    can i just say, i LOVE you people.

  • Marlyse

    2003/01/15 at 10:47 am

    You can be thankful also that you don’t have a case of the ‘roids. I thought, ‘this can’t be normal for a healthy 30 year old to suffer from hemmoroids – for a week’! Buying PrepH ranks up there on my most embarrassing moments list…but I must admit it works.

    be glad, Dooce, be glad.

  • PJ

    2003/01/15 at 10:48 am

    I saw Marilu Henner on a talk show once (I think it was Letterman), she was plugging her diet book. Ever since then I cannot stop thinking (and noticing) every time I go, that she said they should be ‘floaters, not sinkers’, if you were eating properly.

  • Juney Jen

    2003/01/15 at 10:49 am


  • Kel

    2003/01/15 at 10:51 am

    My favorite poop colloquialism: Dropping the kids off for swimming lessons.

  • Death Cab

    2003/01/15 at 10:55 am

    OMG! I don’t think I’ve ever had a floater…

  • Kate the Great

    2003/01/15 at 10:59 am

    Colloquialisms for pooping! This is my kind of topic. One of my favorites is “I’ve gotta go put something down on paper.” (Courtesy of Sealab 2021)

  • cicada

    2003/01/15 at 11:03 am

    I can’t stop thinking about that scene in the movie The Road to Wellville where Anthony Hopkins talks about his poop being as large and fragrant as a hot biscuit. Bet it wouldn’t taste like one, though. *shudder*

  • Chuck Cheeze

    2003/01/15 at 11:04 am

    I usually am a after-meal pooper. Something like the new stuff in my stomach is signaling my intestines to start moving things along.

    I like a #1
    I love a #2
    I live for NUMBA THRRREE

  • vibegrrl

    2003/01/15 at 11:07 am

    KEL!! hahaha, my LOUser ex-boyfriend Lou used to say that ALL the time!! “Droppin’ the kids off at the pool…”
    heh 🙂

  • Libbyo

    2003/01/15 at 11:12 am

    In mid-stages of pregnancy – I SO AGREE WITH YOU THERE!

  • lee

    2003/01/15 at 11:16 am

    Floaters, not sinkers?

  • Shawn

    2003/01/15 at 11:22 am

    My friend calls it Hanging Clay, which is just the grossest thing ever.

  • jen

    2003/01/15 at 11:24 am

    Pooping on a too regular of a basis can be unhappiness though.

    I can tell you where all the good public washrooms are in the area.

    poop = life

  • Irk

    2003/01/15 at 11:25 am

    I have an email somewhere about all the different types of poops. My personal favorite is the Rap Poop: “Fart, Poop Poop Fart, Poop Poop Fart Fart Poop Poop Fart.”

  • pinklady

    2003/01/15 at 11:25 am

    several of my guy friends say they have to “pinch a loaf”.

  • Carrie

    2003/01/15 at 11:30 am

    Okay, this seems to be the right time to share this. My b/f told me this one, which was overheard by a friend from the next men’s room stall: “Ah, No blood, no puss, no chunks of meat – It’s gonna be a good day.”

  • megchem

    2003/01/15 at 11:30 am

    1. laying cable
    2. pushing a boneless brown
    3. squeezing a squirrel

    Need More!

  • Sheila

    2003/01/15 at 11:35 am

    Pooping is good. So is farting. Feels like I’m losing weight when either occurs.

    How about your long (dimensionally) poop? I had a really long one the other day. 🙂

  • Sheila

    2003/01/15 at 11:35 am

    s/b “longest” poop

  • the media

    2003/01/15 at 12:00 pm

    gee thats great and so many ass pumping comments to go along with it
    freedom of speech is over rated

  • poo poo platter

    2003/01/15 at 12:00 pm

    how about when it comes out like a playdough fun factory?

  • Jason

    2003/01/15 at 12:10 pm

    If you like this topic, you’ll love:

  • PJ

    2003/01/15 at 12:14 pm

    My 11-year old son, on a regular basis, but not regularly, lays one AS BIG AS HIS ARM. He is skinny, but still, they are monster shits. Last week he did one, it wouldn’t flush, of course he doesn’t tell anyone, next kid goes, toilet overflows, husband yelling, I’m mopping, then in the middle of all this, the fucking handle on the toilet breaks! It was Sunday night, no hardware stores open until the next morning, we had to alternately plunge/ turn water on&off at shutoff valve/ plunge again until the log finally flushed. All the yelling aside, I think my husband is secretly proud of the boy.

  • Amanda Lew

    2003/01/15 at 12:21 pm

    I’ve always admired those of my friends who comment, “Be right back… I’m going to go have a food baby.”

  • April

    2003/01/15 at 12:22 pm

    Note to self: no reading Dooce during lunchtime.

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Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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